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The City's Whispers- Will critique back!!

Fiction Young Adult

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#1 yawriter

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Posted 25 October 2018 - 06:19 PM

Since birth, orphan FAYE HEX has been under the orders of KENNETH WOODS, the owner of the Hillbrooks orphanage. Her favorite part of the day is when she can escape Kenneth by traveling to the abandoned city of Nasper in an alternate realm—a city that has answers to who her parents are. To travel there, she must be near someone else who has family ties to Nasper. Her ticket to the city is her bunkmate and crush, TROY TUCKER.

 

A tragic fire sends the orphanage crumbling to ashes. Faye and Troy are adopted by JANET and LIAM who live hours away in the middle of a heavily wooded area. However, these two parents are far from loving. They gain control over Faye and Troy through violence and abuse. Devastated by their new living arrangement, the two escape the misery of their lives by traveling to Nasper in hopes of finding Faye’s actual parents. Unfortunately, when they return to the city for the first time in years, it appears to be dying. Naked branches rest on rotting trees, the sunlight no longer shines through the overcast sky, and the city is overrun by bewitched, humanoid banshees. This spurs Faye into a whirlwind of anxiety and desperation. She realizes it is a race between finding out what happened to her parents and the destruction of the city. 

 

During a search for clues about her family, Faye has a near-death encounter with a banshee. Troy confesses that she is all he has, and he refuses to lose Faye to Nasper. No longer does he want to help Faye travel to the city. Faye is devastated and outraged that he cannot see the importance of family. 

 

To make matters worse, they discover a banshee has escaped from Nasper and is hunting Faye and Troy while on Earth. In order to kill the banshee and keep Faye away from Nasper, Troy puts distance between them to sever her connection with the city. 

 

Livid, Faye spends months locating Troy. But, when she does, it is too late. Troy is in a coma from battling with the banshee. Now, physically closer to Troy, she is able to fade to Nasper. There, she discovers Troy in a bed beside his biological father, JACKSON. 

 

Though Faye is desperate to ask Troy’s father a million questions, Jackson first needs her help using Nasper to save his son. The powers of Nasper give Troy a second life. But, he is not the same Troy she grew up with. He awakens as a banshee—a light banshee with the power to dissolve into billions of particles. Now, with Jackson by his side and his new power, Troy expresses that he feels better equipped to protect Faye in Nasper. 

 

With Jackson’s help, they are able to locate the two malevolent rulers of Nasper who are sucking the life out of the city to claim it as their own. 

 

On a mission to reclaim their city gone horribly wrong, Faye and Troy find themselves encircled by a sea of banshees. The two rulers emerge from the crowd of banshees. Faye is stunned when she immediately recognizes Janet and Kenneth the moment they lower the hoods of their black cloak. It is then that Janet and Kenneth reveal that Faye has been looking for her family in all the wrong places. She has been with her biological family all her life—Aunt Janet and Uncle Kenneth.


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#2 Dollophead

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Posted 26 October 2018 - 11:46 PM

Yay! I've been wanting to read your synopsis!

 

Since birth, orphan FAYE HEX has been under the orders of KENNETH WOODS, the owner of the Hillbrooks orphanage. Her favorite part of the day is when she can escape Kenneth by traveling to the abandoned city of Nasper in an alternate realm—a city that has answers to who her parents are with answers to parents' identities. To travel there, she must be near someone else who has family ties to Nasper. This is a little awkward...especially since this idea is original and unique. Try to clarify with something like, "To travel there, she must physically touch (just guessing here) a biological citizen of Nasper." Her ticket to the city is her bunkmate and crush, TROY TUCKER.

 

A tragic fire sends the orphanage crumbling to ashes. Faye and Troy are adopted by JANET and LIAM who live hours away in the middle of a heavily wooded area. However, these two parents are far from loving. They gain control over Faye and Troy through violence and abuse. Devastated by their new living arrangement, the two escape the misery of their lives by traveling to Nasper in hopes of finding Faye’s actual parents. What about Tucker's? Doesn't he wanna know where his are? Or does he think they're dead? Unfortunately, when they return to the city for the first time in years, it appears to be dying. Naked branches rest on rotting trees, the sunlight no longer shines through the overcast sky, and the city is overrun by bewitched, humanoid banshees. This spurs Faye into a whirlwind of anxiety and desperation. She realizes it is a race between finding out what happened to her parents and the destruction of the city. 

 

Question: if Faye somehow realizes her parents are from Nasper, doesn't that mean she has family ties to it too? Could she get there by her own, without Tucker? And if so, I think this is a valid plot point to bring into your summary.

 

During a search for clues about her family, Faye has a near-death encounter with a banshee. [Troy confesses that she is all he has, and he refuses to lose Faye to Nasper. No longer does he want to help Faye travel to the city.] Seems like you could smush these two sentences together to make one more cohesive one. Faye is devastated and outraged that he cannot see the importance of family. This brings me back to my question. I wouldn't bug you so much about it if it didn't sound like a plot hole, promise!

 

To make matters worse, they discover a banshee has escaped from Nasper and is hunting Faye and Troy while on Earth. Do they know why? In order to kill the banshee and keep Faye away from Nasper, Troy [puts distance between them] disappears, thus severing to sever her connection with the city. 

 

[Livid, Faye spends months locating Troy. But, when she does, it is too late.] This sounds like filler. Just go straight to, "After months of searching, Faye finds Troy is in a coma from battling with the banshee. The one that escaped? Now, physically closer to Troy, she is able to fade to Nasper. There, she discovers Troy in a bed beside his biological father, JACKSON. 

 

Though Faye is desperate to ask  question Troy’s father a million questions, Jackson first needs her help using Nasper's power? energy? essence? to save his son. And how will Faye do this? The powers of Nasper give Troy a second life. But, he is not the same Troy she grew up with. He awakens as a banshee—a light banshee with the power to dissolve into billions of particles.What does his transformation mean for the story? Now, with Jackson by his side and his new power, Troy expresses that he feels better equipped to protect Faye in Nasper. Do the light banshees have power to oppose the dark ones?

 

With Jackson’s help, they are able to locate the two malevolent rulers of Nasper who are sucking the life out of the city to claim it as their own. This is cool. I kind of wish we had learned this earlier, to add some more conflict to Faye's search, maybe?

 

On a mission to reclaim their city gone horribly wrong, Faye and Troy find themselves encircled by a sea of banshees. The two rulers emerge from the crowd of banshees. Faye is stunned when she immediately recognizes Janet and Kenneth the moment they lower the hoods of their black cloaks. It is then that Janet and Kenneth reveal that Faye has been looking for her family in all the wrong places. She has been with her biological family all her life—Aunt Janet and Uncle Kenneth.

 

I love this twist! I also love the themes of proximity, biology vs. family, and sacrifice. Sounds like such an interesting read! I would advise you to try and weave Faye's voice into the prose a little bit more, and to stay away from Troy's pov. We got more of his rationale than Faye's. I know it's dual pov, but try to keep the querying restricted to Faye's stuff. Also, make sure to answer that plot point about Faye's Nasperian origins!







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