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The Other Side of Blood--Fantasy


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#1 Mdane

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Posted 01 November 2018 - 02:29 AM

This is my first attempt at the synopsis. Please help!! 

 

 

Synopsis

VELHO VAIN is an immortal assassin trying to find an escape from his past at the bottom of every whiskey bottle. He travels the world hoping for a way to end his tormented life once and for all. His mission is turned on its head when BROOKLYN, a twelve-year old girl with a curious ability to talk to her “pet” ghost, confronts him and requests his paid service. Velho, whose love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, tells her to bugger off.

 

Brooklyn begs Velho to help her find the lost city of ELEMAIN, which is rumoured to hold enough gold to buy the world. If Brooklyn’s mom, the DEATH QUEEN, gains Elemain first, then the entire kingdom will be destroyed by her pursuit of gun powder. Velho cares little for Brooklyn or her story, until VALTIENNE arrives on contract to return the girl to her mom. Velho and Valtienne were once lovers. That is until she betrayed him by murdering his younger. Valtienne is thrilled to see Velho, but explains that THE ASSASSIN, the new leader of the Guild, would destroy her if she let him walk. Velho cares not of The Assassin, nor the horror stories surrounding him which are spoken in whisper. The only thing he cares about is destroying Valtienne to avenge his beloved brother. They fight a bloody battle, but Valtienne manages to escape alive.

 

Velho’s failure sends him into a fit of rage. He devises a plan to use an unknowing Brooklyn to lure Valtienne to him. The plan backfires and Brooklyn is returned to the Death Queen, who intends on killing her. Velho, racked with the guilt of having lost Brooklyn to the gallows, sneaks into the Death Queen’s castle where he finds Brooklyn and the map to Elemain. Before they have a chance to escape they are confronted by Valtienne once again. Velho battles his urge to kill Valtienne, and instead opts to flee with Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel human again.

 

Velho and Brooklyn race to the entrance of Elemain, hoping they can reach it before the Death Queen. But Valtienne arrives to spoil Velho’s plan. This time she is not alone; she is partnered with The Assassin. Velho is shocked to learn that The Assassin is his younger brother, seemingly back from the dead, that Valtienne was innocent and had never stopped loving him and that his brother was no longer the man he once knew. The Guild had made a monster out of him.

 

Velho understands The Assassin will kill Brooklyn once he discovers how to enter the city. Velho battles him and in the process Brooklyn is shot and killed. Anguish tears through Velho, before turning to rage. He overcomes great odds to kill the man who was once his brother.

 

Velho collapses over Brooklyn’s bloody body, racked by grief. But there is something… a chance to save her… Small though it is… All he needs to do is get her to Elemain. He lifts Brooklyn from the bloodied ground and stumbles into the gate of the magical city of Elemain.


Desperately looking for advice on my query The Other Side of Blood

 

My published novel on Amazon The Traitor in the Trees


#2 Dollophead

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Posted 02 November 2018 - 08:13 PM

First off, I read through this in its entirety and understood everything perfectly. That's never happened before! Such a promising start!

 

VELHO VAIN is an immortal assassin trying to find an escape from his past at the bottom of every whiskey bottle.  He travels the world hoping for a way to end his tormented life once and for all. Good intro. I notice you don't detail how he became immortal in the first place, though. Is there a reason? His mission is turned on its head when BROOKLYN, a twelve-year old girl with a curious ability to talk to her “pet” ghost, confronts him and requests his paid service. Velho, whose love of gold does not extend beyond the cost of cheap whiskey, tells her to bugger off. I think your first paragraph is perfect.

 

Brooklyn begs Velho to help her find the lost city of ELEMAIN, which is rumoured to hold enough gold to buy the world. If Brooklyn’s mommother, the DEATH QUEEN, gains Elemain first, then the entire kingdom will be destroyed by her pursuit of gun powder Sounds like the Death Queen is looking for gunpowder inside Elemain. Clarify? Velho cares little for Brooklyn or her story, until VALTIENNE arrives on contract to return the girl to her mom mother. Velho and Valtienne were once lovers. That is until she betrayed him by murdering his younger brother. Valtienne is thrilled to see Velho, but explains that THE ASSASSIN, the new leader of the Guild what's this Guild?, would destroy her if she let him walk At this point we don't know The Assassin is Velho's brother, so what is the stated motive for capturing Velho? Also, how are the Assassin and the Death Queen related?. Velho cares not of The Assassin, nor the horror stories surrounding him which are spoken in whisper. The only thing he cares about is destroying Valtienne to avenge his beloved brother. They fight a bloody battle, but Valtienne manages to escape alive.

 

Velho’s failure sends him into a fit of rage. He devises a plan to use an unknowing Brooklyn to lure Valtienne to him. The plan backfires this is a little vague. I know it must be an intricate plan, but see if you can add a small detail about what exactly led to --> and Brooklyn is returned to the Death Queen, who intends on killing her Why?. Velho, wracked with the guilt of having lost Brooklyn to the gallows, sneaks into the Death Queen’s castle where he finds Brooklyn and the map to Elemain Did Brooklyn have it?. Before they have a chance to escape they are confronted by Valtienne once again. Velho battles his urge to kill Valtienne, and instead opts to flee with Brooklyn, the girl who taught him to feel human again.

 

Velho and Brooklyn race to the entrance of Elemain, hoping they can reach it before the Death Queen. But Valtienne arrives to spoil Velho’s plan. This time she is not alone; she is partnered with The Assassin. Why is Valtienne loyal to the Assassin? Why doesn't the Assassin want Velho to get to Elemain? Velho is shocked to learn that The Assassin is his younger brother, seemingly back from the dead, that Valtienne was innocent and had never stopped loving him and that his brother was no longer the man he once knew. The Guild had made a monster out of him.

 

Velho understands The Assassin will kill Brooklyn once he discovers how to enter the city. Velho battles him and in the process Brooklyn is shot and killed. Anguish tears through Velho, before turning to rage. He overcomes great odds to kill the man who was once his brother.

 

Velho collapses over Brooklyn’s bloody body, racked by grief. But there is something… a chance to save her… Small though it is… All he needs to do is get her to Elemain. He lifts Brooklyn from the bloodied ground and stumbles into the gate of the magical city of Elemain.

 

*Applause* I loved it. This is definitely a book I wanna read. 

So I understand you can't incorporate all character motivation in here. I just picked at the ones we need in order to understand the story's progression. Also, I love your names--Velho, Brooklyn, Valtienne, Elemain--all so COOL. Well done. Good luck querying!

 

I would appreciate some feedback for my synopsis too :)  






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