This is quite rough...I always struggle with the stakes of my novel (and as this is a WIP heading into revisions before heading to my writer's group, the stakes may change as I go) so any advice there is always, always, always welcome! There are two versions of this query, but I think this is stronger, so it's what I'm starting with. I will be sure to crit other queries and feel free to point me in the direction of yours if you have one =).
Death is for sale. Carla knows this first hand: she’s a Deather and in charge of bringing people over, a thousand dollars or more a head.
Carla doesn’t like the money making side of the business and is glad her mandatory year of work is ending. Death, however, has other plans. He swears there’s a prophecy that says Carla has to take over for him when he retires. She calls his bluff and he finally admits the truth: her great-great-great-grandmother broke a major rule over a hundred years ago as a Deather and Carla’s family has paid for it ever since. Now, Carla must take over as The One True Death and crossover a family member to right this wrong. When she refuses, Death finds her an opponent and says there will be a fight to the death; the dead one becomes Death.
When the final fight ends in a draw, Carla is faced with having to cross her opponent, who is her brother, over or be killed herself. When a ghost wanders in and changes all the rules, Carla will have to decide if she’s ready to become The One True Death or if she’s willing to let the family curse live on.
DEATH FOR SALE is adult urban fantasy complete at ____ words. Thank you for your time and consideration.