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Death for Sale (Adult Urban Fantasy)


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#1 Aightball

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Posted 26 November 2018 - 09:37 AM

Here are my first 250.  General thoughts?  I'm heading into revisions, so any suggestions will aid those revisions greatly!

 

Death  is for sale. It doesn’t matter  what stage of death you’re in, it’s going to  generate money. Hospitals, funeral directors, everyone makes money at the end. Death  is expensive, and more than a few have learned to profit from that. And I am one part of  that system, one more person who makes money at the end of your life .

All around me police run, calling to each other, and a camera snaps now and again. Yellow tented plastic printed with black numbers line the ground, marking a bullet here, a blood  spatter there, and whatever else counts as evidence these days. It looks like an episode of CSI or something, but it’s real life. The man shakes his head when the police point to a body on the ground. Nearby a crowd watches and someone wails with grief.

 

The metal legs of the gurney unfold as I pull it out of my van, rolling it toward the center of the street. Working for the medical examiner, the body is technically ours until the doctor has performed the autopsy. When we show up, the body is ready to move to the city morgue. Doctor Musselman joins me as an officer waves us over. Unzipping a black body bag, I lay it on the ground, then put on a pair of gloves. With the help of Doctor Musselman, we get the body secured and I zip it up. Once it’s on the gurney, I roll it to the van, the legs collapsing as I lock it in place.


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

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Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

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Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#2 Jhall

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Posted 29 November 2018 - 10:09 AM

I like the theme you're going for with the first paragraph, although I feel it could be more concise. For example, "Death  is for sale. It doesn’t matter  what stage of death you’re in, it’s going to  generate money. Hospitals, funeral directors, everyone makes money at the end." seems redundant to me. It's three sentences all kind of saying the same thing, if that makes sense.

 

I think you do a good job setting up the scene. We get a feel for what our main character does and how he feels about his work. It's interesting. The description starts to feel a little stilted and matter-of-fact as you go on, but you're painting a clear picture and I think at the beginning of a novel that's the important part. It might help to revise with more evocative imagery instead of just telling us what and where everything is. Let's get some smells, feels, and sounds in here, maybe.

 

Overall: raw, but nice. I like the direction the story is leading me, and it doesn't seem to drag with the pacing.

Death  is for sale. It doesn’t matter  what stage of death you’re in, it’s going to  generate money. Hospitals, funeral directors, everyone makes money at the end.






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