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Death for Sale (Adult Urban Fantasy) Pitchees


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#1 Aightball

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Posted 26 November 2018 - 09:39 AM

Here are some pitches I've been working on...thoughts?

 

A fight to the death against her brother leaves Carla with two options: kill her brother or be killed herself.  The loser becomes the One True Death and rights her great-great-great-grandmother’s wrong.  #A #UrbanFantasy

 

Generations of women in Carla’s family know the pain of losing a baby; now Carla knows why.  And to fix that curse, she or her brother must become the One True Death.  When their fight ends in a draw Carla must choose: kill her brother or be killed herself.  #A #UrbanFantasy

 

To beat the family curse, Carla or her brother must become The One True Death.  When their fight ends in a draw it falls to Carla to choose: kill her brother or be killed herself.  Whomever dies first gets the job.  #A #UrbanFantasy

 

Over a hundred years ago, Carla’s great-great-great-grandmother cursed the family.  It’s down to Carla and her brother to fix it, by becoming The One True Death.  When their fight ends in a draw, Carla has to choose who dies and gets the job.  #A #UrbanFantasy


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

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#2 Kjcloutier19

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Posted 06 December 2018 - 03:10 AM

Hello!

 

At first I was trying to go through your hooks one by one to critique them, but I kept coming up with the same issues in all of them, which are these:

 

1) We don't know what the One True Death means, so this leaves all of your hooks feeling a little bleh. Is the One True Death good or bad? Is it an honour or a shame? We don't know, so we don't really care about the characters fighting for it.

 

2) You keep stating that the brother and sister have to fight to the death, and then when the fight ends in a draw, Carla has to choose if she dies or her brother dies. This falls flat partly because a fight to the death should already mean she decided if she wants to live or die. That's what a fight to the death is. It ending in a draw and her having to choose instead is redundant and takes the excitement away. And again, we don't know if becoming the One True Death is good or bad, so we don't know if she wants to win or lose, so, we as the readers don't care.

 

Hopefully that helps! I know hooks are really freaking hard, and it's tough to find a balance of what to explain and what to leave out. Best of luck to you! 



#3 Aightball

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Posted 06 December 2018 - 12:17 PM

Hello!

 

At first I was trying to go through your hooks one by one to critique them, but I kept coming up with the same issues in all of them, which are these:

 

1) We don't know what the One True Death means, so this leaves all of your hooks feeling a little bleh. Is the One True Death good or bad? Is it an honour or a shame? We don't know, so we don't really care about the characters fighting for it.

 

2) You keep stating that the brother and sister have to fight to the death, and then when the fight ends in a draw, Carla has to choose if she dies or her brother dies. This falls flat partly because a fight to the death should already mean she decided if she wants to live or die. That's what a fight to the death is. It ending in a draw and her having to choose instead is redundant and takes the excitement away. And again, we don't know if becoming the One True Death is good or bad, so we don't know if she wants to win or lose, so, we as the readers don't care.

 

Hopefully that helps! I know hooks are really freaking hard, and it's tough to find a balance of what to explain and what to leave out. Best of luck to you! 

That does help, thank you!

 

I struggle so bad with writing hooks and pitches =), as most writers do.  This book has many layers and it's hard to get it condensed down.  For Carla, becoming the One True Death is a curse but her brother wouldn't mind the job at all.  I'll see if I can refocus the pitches when I revise and make it clearer what's going on!


Most girls are made of
sugar and spice and everything nice; they
screwed up the recipe for me: I'm made of
bat wings and broken things.

Query: http://agentquerycon...-urban-fantasy/

Blog: http://aightball.wordpress.com

Synopsis:

Twitter Hook(s):

Short Story "Anguish", in Winter's Regret: http://www.amazon.co...winter's regret

aertja.jpg


#4 mwsinclair

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Posted 07 December 2018 - 01:13 PM

"For Carla, becoming the One True Death is a curse but her brother wouldn't mind the job at all."

 

 

I kinda like that line. Perhaps not quite a hook, but it made me stop.






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