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#1 callalilly

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Posted 30 November 2018 - 04:36 PM

So, not a great query. The hook needs help, as well as the rest (and yes I know the title could be better –it is not of my concern right now). I’ve revised multiple times, but the words need fresh eyes from you fellow writers. Thank you in advance.

 

Selfish people will always be happy, or at least that’s what Saige’s parents say right before abandoning her as a child.

 

Eight years later and the clan still pities poor 17-year-old Saige. Though piteous stares follow her everywhere, Saige is glad her parents left; it taught her an important lesson about caring only for her own needs. So when foreign soldiers suddenly invade her clan, of course the lesson is still heavily ingrained in her, reminding her of her self-preservation above everyone else’s. Chaos ensues as the clan adults are rounded up like cattle, soldiers abducting every healthy adult to fight in a war hundreds of miles away.

 

Following in her parents footsteps, Saige packs quickly, feeling no guilt over abandoning the clan. Most likely, she would have been safely far away if her sister hadn’t delayed her by refusing to leave with her. She digs her heels down, unwilling to go unless Saige takes the remaining clan with them to the safe haven of the winter village. But with a dozen young children to look out for while traveling across a barren land that is likely to kill them from cold or hunger, Saige doubts the likelihood that she’ll be able to save anyone, least of all herself.

 

The Bare Snow is...(will complete last sentence separately)



#2 VickyRosly

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Posted 02 December 2018 - 09:53 AM

So, not a great query. The hook needs help, as well as the rest (and yes I know the title could be better –it is not of my concern right now). I’ve revised multiple times, but the words need fresh eyes from you fellow writers. Thank you in advance.

 

Selfish people will always be happy, or at least that’s what Saige’s parents say right before abandoning her as a child. It's not clear how that is relevant to the fact Saige is being abandoned by her parents. It for sure does not justify it and while the selfish people will always be happy ​sentence somewhat hooked me, it feels separate from the rest of the query.  Maybe try something like "The only thing her parents told Saige before abandoning her as a child was -insert a sentence that makes sense with the plot-"

 

Eight years later and the clan still pities poor 17-year-old Saige. ​It was never indicated Saige was pitied in the past, so that fact her clan still pities her is bit confusing. Though piteous stares follow her everywhere, ( No need to mention pity a second time.) Despite that, Saige is glad her parents left; it taught her an important lesson about caring only for her own needs. So When foreign soldiers suddenly invade her clan that lesson comes in handy, reminding her of her  that self-preservation is above anyone else’s. Chaos ensues as the clan adults are rounded up like cattle, soldiers abducting every healthy adult to fight in a war hundreds of miles away. I quite like this sentence but you give us nothing about the war again. This leaves me with many why's as a reader.

 

Following in her parents footsteps, Like her own parents did in the past, Saige packs quickly, feeling no guilt over abandoning her clan. Most likely, She would have been safely far away hadn't her sister delayed her by refusing to follow along.  She digs her heels down, Unwilling to go unless Saige takes the remaining clan with them, her sister's adamance convinces her to guide them all to the safe haven of the winter village. But with a dozen young children to look out for while traveling across a barren land that is likely to kill them from cold or hunger, Saige doubts the likelihood that she’ll be able to save anyone, least of all herself.

 

The Bare Snow is...(will complete last sentence separately)

 

Of course this just to kindle your own mind into changing some bits that need flow.

 

Let me know that you think.

 

xx 

Vicky


VP

#3 AstrMikeDexter

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Posted 02 December 2018 - 11:33 AM

So, not a great query. The hook needs help, as well as the rest (and yes I know the title could be better –it is not of my concern right now). I’ve revised multiple times, but the words need fresh eyes from you fellow writers. Thank you in advance.

 

Selfish people will always be happy, or at least that’s what Saige’s parents say right before abandoning her as a child. I've always been told that you should start your query with your main character but this sentence is more about her parents. I think it could be tweaked a little bit to put the focus on Saige.

 

Eight years later and the clan (I'm not sure who the clan is or how it relates to Saige) still pities poor 17-year-old Saige. Though piteous stares follow her everywhere, Saige is glad her parents left; it taught her an important lesson about caring only for her own needs. So when foreign soldiers suddenly invade her clan, of course the lesson is still heavily ingrained in her, reminding her of her self-preservation above everyone else’s. Chaos ensues as the clan adults are rounded up like cattle, soldiers abducting every healthy adult to fight in a war hundreds of miles away. (I think this paragraph and the query in general could be helped with a little more information on the setting and the time period.)

 

Following in her parents footsteps, Saige packs quickly, feeling no guilt over abandoning the clan. Most likely, she would have been safely far away if her sister (I think if you're going to mention a sister it needs to be done sooner) hadn’t delayed her by refusing to leave with her. She digs her heels down, unwilling to go unless Saige takes the remaining clan with them to the safe haven of the winter village. But with a dozen young children to look out for while traveling across a barren land that is likely to kill them from cold or hunger, Saige doubts the likelihood that she’ll be able to save anyone, least of all herself. (I think this could be reframed because right now it sounds like Saige's sister is the protagonist making all the decisions when really I'm guessing it is Saige who should be.)

 

The Bare Snow is...(will complete last sentence separately)

Just a few thoughts and suggestions. Sounds like a fascinating story!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!





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