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Demon (Paranormal Romance) Revision on post #20

Fiction Fantasy Erotica

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#21 brandonyoung

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Posted 18 December 2018 - 03:19 PM

I haven't tweaked a whole lot. Dunno if the changes help with flow and portray her relationship with David a tad better. Let me know.

 

 

 

Anelaigh is a Demon. Having spent the last centuries ("last centuries" sounds odd to my ear; maybe specify how many) turning the human world into her own twisted playground, she knew the Devil would come knocking at her door eventually.  Father likes his property on a short leash after all. (This works for me. I could do with something more specific. What exactly is she doing? Bad things? Messing with people? The question comes from the fact I don't know what a Demon is -- or, at least, what your kind of a Demon is. I'm guessing Anelaigh is bad. In which case, what does she do that causes the Devil to come knocking? Looking back, I noticed you actually removed some information from this version. Now I know absolutely nothing about Anelaigh.)

 

Looking to rekindle a millennia old feud, Lucifer comes strutting back into the picture with a preposterous demand: killing an archangel’s only son and heir to that throne, David. He’s made it rather clear failing is not an option, not if she enjoys having her head attached to her shoulders. Under the guise of being the newest addition to his guard, Anelaigh travels to Vienna, where she begins weaving her deadly web around the angel heir. Or so she thinks. (Cool. We know what she needs to do. I don't really understand what leads Lucifer to deciding she needs to kill an archangel's only son though. Why him? Does Lucifer always give out hitman contracts to the demons? You don't need to answer everything, but a sentence to flesh out the motivations will help me, personally, connect better. I mean, did he just pick a name out of a hat?)

 

The man has a wicked sense of humour and the looks to match it, she’ll give him that. The oldest tricks in the book barely seem to have any effect on David and so Anelaigh delves into delicious mind games, which she seems to equally enjoy; their teasing begins to grow dangerously physical and that could turn out to be her own undoing. As the target on her own back begins to itch, Anelaigh must decide if she’s willing to cross the Devil at his own game for a man she could never have. (So here's the main conflict of the story. She falls in love with the target. The Devil won't let her. She must choose between them -- siding against Lucifer having bad consequences. I wonder if you could give us a hint of what the Devil might actually do to her.)

 

Demon is paranormal romance complete at 74K words that would appeal to adult audiences of J.R Ward and her Black Dagger Brotherhood series .

 

Thank you for your consideration.

 

All the right pieces are here. I think we could trim back the setup and focus more on the romance aspects, and the actual struggle that Anelaigh is up against. What does David mean to her personally? Does he represent something she has always longed for, does he fill an emptiness inside her? And then what happens if she fails her mission? I want to feel Lucifer's shadow hanging over her, watching her every move. I want stakes. If she chooses David, is there precedent for what Lucifer will do to her? And now, what is Anelaigh planning on doing to get what she wants and what is it going to cost her? A deadly game with the Devil sounds GREAT so if you can play on that, you've got something. The Devil's "own game" hasn't been described prior to you mentioning it at the end. So, I wonder, what exactly is the Devil's game? Manipulation? I reckon that's worth mentioning.


I'm not currently in need of query letter revisions, but I am looking for some amazing beta readers. If you're interested in reading a very short standalone YA fantasy which is heavy on character, crying moments, and not so much on epic scopes and war, shoot me a DM and I'd love to lend you a copy. I'm also open to reading your novels in exchange!


#22 W.P.

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Posted 19 December 2018 - 04:55 AM

Anelaigh is a Demon. Having spent the last centuries turning the human world into her own twisted playground, she knew the Devil would come knocking at her door eventually.  Father likes his property on a short leash after all. ((I like this much better!))

  Looking to rekindle a millennia old feud, Lucifer ((I suggest sticking to either Devil or Lucifer. But that's just my opinion, take it with a grain of salt.)) comes strutting back into the picture with a preposterous demand: killing an archangel’s only son and heir to that throne, David. He’s made it rather clear failing is not an option, not if she enjoys having her head attached to her shoulders. Under the guise of being the newest addition to his guard, Anelaigh travels to Vienna, where she begins weaving her deadly web around the angel heir. Or so she thinks. ((still not sure if the web is just a metaphor or a magic system, either way I like the paragraph.))

  The man has a wicked sense of humour and the looks to match it, she’ll give him that. The oldest tricks in the book barely seem to have any effect on David and so Anelaigh delves into delicious mind games, which she seems to equally enjoy ((this sounds a bit redundant because she describes the mind games as delicious, meaning she does enjoy them)); their teasing begins to grow dangerously physical and that could turn out to be her own undoing. As the target on her own back begins to itch, Anelaigh must decide if she’s willing to cross the Devil at his own game for a man she could never have. ((Now I don't think this underlined part really works anymore. In this new query, it sounds like he is just as interested as she is, making me believe she can have it, even though it would be a dangerous business. So I'm not sure the underlined part really works anymore. But the paragraph is much better and both David and their relationship does feel alive. Love it!))

Demon is paranormal romance complete at 74K words that would appeal to adult audiences of J.R Ward and her Black Dagger Brotherhood series .

 

 

You may not have changed much, but the difference is huge! The query reads as more succinct and more alive and I love that. I'm not sure about the "man she could never have." I explained my doubts above. Maybe you mean that she can never have him because if he finds out her true identity and goal he would leave her or kill her? If that is it, then that is a huge stake and I think it should be explicit. Other than that, this is a great query. :) Great job!

 

 

I have revised my query. If you could find time to take a look at it, I'd much appreciate it. :)

http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=359585







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