Hi mate! I will read your query for the first time ever, and let you know my thoughts.
Laura Bishop is one of the last people in the world capable of keeping a secret. Eh. A hook should be sharp and punchy as hell. Consider:
Laura Bishop cannot keep a secret. Especially this one.
Her immunity to Vocacium, a government-controlled brainwashing drug, makes her a dangerous woman. I love dangerous women. She hides with the Circuit; a group of mercenaries hidden in the London Underworld. Their sole purpose is to bring down the authoritarian regime that rules the city with an iron-first. Cool, I'm following ya. Sounds Divergent-y
When she is spotted at the scene of a crime she believes she committed for the right reasons - but at the cost of two innocent lives, she soon finds herself a criminal on the run. This sentence is too long and not very interesting. Maybe: When she is spotted (insert the bad thing she did here) she runs for her damn life, too afraid to look back. sorta thing.
Desperate and guilt-ridden, Laura takes on a mission from an infamous crime-lord to obtain an encrypted flash-drive, in exchange for protection. When she discovers the flash-drive contains a deadly secret; a fatal pathogen i'm so impressed with myself that I know what this word is, high-five to me that has been used in vaccinations on almost every citizen, she abandons her mission and keeps it for herself. so this pathogen is Vocacium?!
Her recklessness becomes her downfall eh, try and show me more stuff instead of telling me (how is she becoming reckless?) when she is caught by Detective Jonah Nolan. He has been hunting her months, driven by revenge. Years ago, Laura's father was arrested for the murder of Jonah's childhood love. I'm not convinced we need to know this, it is slowing the query down and losing its urgency. The authorities task
s Jonah with Laura's execution but she needs his help to prove the fatal nature of the pathogen before people begin to die. To succeed, she needs him to willingly betray the government that gives him power or she'll have to be buried along with the knowledge that could save the life of millions. There are great stakes here but the line is so long that it's losing its potency. Chop it up a bit, and you're good to go.
What I like about this query: It is relatively easy to follow. I'm understand the stakes, which is half the battle of writing a good query.
What needs work: The voice. Laura is coming across as a bit passive. I'm being told she's reckless and guilt-ridden, but I'm not being shown it.
The bones of this query are really good. Just shove some voice in, and I think it will kick-ass.