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The Circuit (Speculative Fiction)


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#1 NerdWitch

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Posted 16 December 2018 - 02:41 PM

In Laura Bishop's world there are two kinds of people; those who believe in free-will and those who'd do anything to take it away. Unfortunately, the latter is her own brother


Here's my latest query :) http://agentquerycon...turn-critique/ 

 

 


#2 lnloft

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Posted 16 December 2018 - 10:07 PM

In Laura Bishop's world, there are two kinds of people;: those who believe in free-will, and those who'd do anything to take it away. Unfortunately, the latter is her own brother

Added a couple commas out of personal preference, but that semi-colon should be a colon. Otherwise, it's not bad, but I wonder if the structure is a bit of a cliche. The "two kinds of people" line has been used for a lot of things. It's hard for me to say how much it "hooks" me, because I've seen your query before, but I wonder about taking the basic concept and then changing up the structure to make it a bit more unique, and then we'll see from there.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 JoQwerty

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Posted 17 December 2018 - 11:42 AM

In Laura Bishop's world there are two kinds of people; those who believe in free-will and those who'd do anything to take it away. Unfortunately, the latter is her own brother

 

There are many famous philosophers who do not believe in free will. How do they fit in Laura's bipartite classification scheme? :smile:

 

Jesting aside, your hook does not give me any idea of what happens in the story or any clue as to what is at stake for Laura or her brother.






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