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MEMORIES FORGOTTEN - YA Fantasy - (Will Critique in Return)

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#21 kassamarandra

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 12:03 PM

 

Newest draft (1/11):
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos. The town feels emptier after humans are kidnapped and massacred. Magical creatures who rebel are captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best warriors – lost all of his memories. (This feels too choppy imo and not really successful as a hook. I would try something like: When Zadok's town is raided by rebelling magical creature, something happened and Zadok – one of the best warriors – lost all of his memories. but in your words.)
 
When Zadok leaves his hideout, he finds out that Kasen – the leader of the enemy’s army – wants humans extinct. He was told that Kasen took his memories too.(part of this sentence feels like a repeat of the previous sentence.) But he has to cross past war lines if he wants even some of those memories back. 
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed; he’d rather get his memories back. He doesn’t think a boy (boy? how old is he?) with no memories could be helpful. 
 
But when he gets some of his memories back with the help of some (repeat) magical creatures, he realizes the life he has been living is a lie. The more he discovers, the more his spark to end this war turns into a flame. He’s not sure if he can stop the war, but he wants to stop Kasen. (I think you're on the right track with this ending, but as it reads now, it's pretty vague. But when some magical creatures help Zadok regain parts of his memory, he realize the life he's been living is a lie. That like ignites a yearning to put an end to the war or at least stop Kassen from.... I'd do something like this for a closing, but again, in your own words.)

 

 

 

Thanks for the critique, hope this helps! 



#22 annevic

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 04:27 PM

Newest draft (1/11):
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos (Which world?) The town feels emptier after humans are kidnapped and massacred. Magical creatures who rebel are captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best warriors – lost all of his memories. 
 
When Zadok leaves his hideout, he finds out (How?) that Kasen – the leader of the enemy’s army – wants humans extinct. He was told (by whom?) that Kasen took his memories too. But (Why but...?) he has to cross past war lines if he wants even some of those memories back. 
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war (who asks him to do so?) even (why even?) after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed (why?); he’d rather get his memories back. He doesn’t think a boy with no memories could be helpful. 
 
But when he gets some of his memories back with the help of some magical creatures, he realizes the life he has been living is a lie. The more he discovers, the more his spark to end this war turns into a flame. He’s not sure if he can stop the war, but he wants to stop Kasen.

 

 

I really like the ending of your query much better than the rest. It's a bit confusing, for me it lacks a little bit of context, a little bit more of who he is, where they are, what's going on overall. I know that fantasy is a tough genre to query, but your story seems to have an interesting hook that you could use to make a great query.  Good luck!!



#23 mkuriel

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 08:45 PM

 

Newest draft (1/11):
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos. The town feels emptier after humans are kidnapped and massacred. Magical creatures who rebel are captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best warriors – lost all of his memories. 
 
When Zadok leaves his hideout, he finds out that Kasen – the leader of the enemy’s army – wants humans extinct. He was told that Kasen took his memories too. But he has to cross past war lines if he wants even some of those memories back. 
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed; he’d rather get his memories back. He doesn’t think a boy with no memories could be helpful. 
 
But when he gets some of his memories back with the help of some magical creatures, he realizes the life he has been living is a lie. The more he discovers, the more his spark to end this war turns into a flame. He’s not sure if he can stop the war, but he wants to stop Kasen.

 

 

Honestly, this is a complete scrap and start over. 

 

I've been told the same before; I like saying it about as much as you probably like reading it.

 

It's time to get back to basics. Before you do, stop thinking about the query for at least a week. Read the archives at query shark. 

 

So, the basics.

 

Who is the MC? Zadok, a warrior with amnesia. 

What does he want? His memories. To maybe fight in a war and stop human extinction? 

What bad thing will happen if he gets what he wants? No idea.

What worse thing will happen if he doesn't? No idea.

 

This query has no stakes. What choice does the MC face?

 

I might be correct in intuiting/guessing answers to the questions, but I shouldn't have to. The whole purpose of the query is to deliver compelling answers to those questions. You know you've done that when people read it and reply, "Yes! I want to read more! Gimme more!"

 

Good luck,



#24 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 18 January 2019 - 03:13 PM

Thanks for the critiques everyone! A new update will be up shortly.



#25 dizzywriter

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Posted 20 January 2019 - 03:42 PM



 

Newest draft (1/18):
 


After waking up with no memories [this seems to be a common trope on this board. A lot of people waking up with no memories. I'll take the risk of saying its a cliche at this point. opening it this way], a magical war is the last thing Zadok wants. [I'd open with him fighting the war and not knowing why.] He’d rather remember who he was instead of fighting monsters [too vague]  trying to take over the country [which country?] [how does he know this if he has no memories? Is he thrown into battle? Be more specific] with only a sword in his hands. But he has no choice [Why not? Is it to survive or what?]
 
Mysterious creatures [much too vague], who Zadok doesn’t know well [this is redundant. if he knew them, they wouldn't be mysterious], tell him that he was a great warrior before, which puts a target on his back [this is a cliche]. Every monster is looking for him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – [I think you need to describe this war a little better. Calling it a "magic war" in the previous graph doesn't tell us much] has made a little game [nothing with high stakes is a "little game" and nothing with low stakes should be in the query.] for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take [vague] certain areas [vague] back under his control [vague], he can get [fragments] of his memories back. Kasen must be the final boss though. But if he defeats Kasen, his memories will just reset again. [I don't understand the last two sentences.]
 
Zadok plays Kasen’s game for a bit [vague, no tension], getting some of his memories. The more memories he gets, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken from him. He must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again…for the eighth time. [If his memories reveal that what remains of his life (wife, kids, whatever) is in danger, that would raise the stakes a lot.] And getting the memories shouldn't be the stakes. The memories are what make him understand whatever the really big stakes are.

 

It's an interesting concept. But I think you need a lot more specificity. Good luck with it. Thanks for your input on mine. I put up another draft if you have the time.



#26 W.P.

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Posted 21 January 2019 - 08:34 AM

After waking up with no memories, a magical war is the last thing Zadok wants. ((since we don't have the context, this sounds a bit odd. even if he had all his memories, most people don't want a war.)) He’d rather remember who he was instead of fighting monsters trying to take over the country with only a sword in his hands. ((why does one exclude the other)) But he has no choice. ((why? who's forcing him?))
 
Mysterious creatures, who Zadok doesn’t know well, ((this makes me wonder why he trusts them. if he doesn't know them well, why believe their words?))tell him that he was a great warrior before, which puts a target on his back. Every monster is looking for him. That and As well as Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – who has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen must be the final boss ((this sounds like a videogame, which goes against the atmosphere that you were building) though. But if he defeats Kasen, his memories will just reset again.
 

 

Zadok plays Kasen’s game for a bit, getting some of his memories. The more memories he gets, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken from him. He must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again…for the eighth time.

 

 

I really like the whole game concept (conquer areas to gain memories). Not sure why you hadn't mentioned it before when this is a huge selling point. Not only could you explore this a bit further, but you could also write the query around it. It'd make for a much more epic and cohesive query, since it connects the memories with the war (and so far it wasn't so obvious).

 

I think you are finally finding the way to go about the query. Good luck! :)



#27 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 27 January 2019 - 12:39 PM

 

Newest draft (1/18):
Hello, still critting away hoping someone will give me some feedback for my soul hosts blurbs.
 
After waking up with no memories, a magical war is the last thing Zadok wants. amnesia is pretty cliched so not sure its quite the hook you need for people to say, got to read this! magic war is better, but a bit vague, anyway to get a drop more specific about how your magical war is so cool I should read it?
He’d rather remember who he was instead of fighting monsters trying to take over the country with only a sword in his handsa magical war with only a sword? seems like a non-magical war then. But he has no choice.
 
Mysterious creatures, who Zadok doesn’t know well, why would he. there mysterious  tell him that he was a great warrior before, which puts a target on his back. Every monster is looking for him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen must be the final boss though. But if he defeats Kasen, his memories will just reset again.
 
Zadok plays Kasen’s game for a bit, getting some of his memories. The more memories he gets, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken from him. He must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again…for the eighth time. if he has already lost them seven times, why is the eighth time more significant?

 



#28 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 01 March 2019 - 04:13 PM

Thanks for the critiques everyone! I posted a new draft up. I hope it has improved in some way.



#29 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 01 March 2019 - 09:05 PM

 

Newest draft (3/1):
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos. The town feels emptier after humans got kidnapped and massacred.the writing here feels weak, can you tweak it? Perhaps condense-- Zadok finds his town has been massacared?  Any type of creature  who rebels is captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – lost all of his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore. cool
 
Being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking for him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. cool  Kasen must be the final boss though. a little too video gamey for me
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed. good He doesn’t believe a boy with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once.
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again...for the eighth time. last line feels weak to me. why is it so much worse to lose them for eight times than 7?
 

 



#30 callalilly

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Posted 07 March 2019 - 02:43 PM

Hi Robin LeeAnn. Thanks for the critique on my query, I'm here to help in return hopefully. I see your query's progressed quite a bit for the last time I saw it -nicely done. Below are again, just a few suggestions.

 

 

Newest draft (3/1):
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos. The town feels emptier after the humans were kidnapped and massacred. Any type of creature  who rebels (Rebels against what? The massacre of the humans?) is captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – is no help after he lost all of his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore.
 
Being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking for him(why? To challenge him?). That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas of the land back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen must be the final boss though(meaning he must be the one to win? If he isn't then what?).
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed. He doesn’t believe a boy with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once. (good conflict)
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again...for the eighth time.
 

 

 

Again, this has come a long way. I didn't have a lot to suggest, just a few questions I'm wondering. I think I'd suggest a line about why Zadok's memories keep being stolen -is it to repress him? Make him less of a threat by making him forget his life? I think if a line about that was added, it'd be great. It sounds like it's coming along, keep at it and good luck!



#31 Bibliophyl

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Posted 09 March 2019 - 11:42 AM

 
 
Zadok finds the world in chaos. The town feels emptier after humans got kidnapped and massacred. Any type of creature  who rebels is captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – lost all of his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore. [this is super random, but your MC's name immediately reminds me of Zadok the Priest by Handel...and now it's stuck in my head. Is the reference intentional? Just curious! Also, the last line feels a little superfluous; I don't see what the difference between the complexity of riding a horse and holding a sword is, so the distinction that he remembers the former and can't do the latter doesn't work for me. For me, it's enough to say he lost all his memories. I think it might be a more powerful end to the paragraph anyways.]
 
Being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking for him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas back under his control, [how is he supposed to do this if he can't fight anymore? It seems a little counterintuitive for Kasen to choose Zadok for this task since it seems like he'll be very ineffective] he can get some of his memories back. Kasen must be the final boss though. How does he find out he used to be a great swordsman? 
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get tortured and oppressed. [the water spirits seem to come out of nowhere, I don't quite understand their significance to him or the plot here] He doesn’t believe a boy [you might want to clarify his age--I was picturing him as a full grown man since he was supposedly the best swordsman ever (I feel like you'd have to have significant experience under your belt to be known as such)] with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once. 
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen for good or he’ll lose all his memories again...for the eighth time.
 
This sounds intriguing! I noted a couple points where I needed a little more clarification. I hope something was helpful!


#32 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 10 March 2019 - 05:13 PM

Thanks for the critiques everyone! A new draft is up!

 

@Bibliophyl - lol No, the name was not intensional. I based it off the name meaning "courage" than anything else. I didn't see your comments until after I edited it though. But thank you for the comments! I'll edit your query within the next day or two!



#33 Stephen G. Bria

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Posted 11 March 2019 - 01:24 AM

 

Newest draft (3/10):
 
Zadok finds his world destroyed. Humans got kidnapped and massacred. Any type of magical creature who rebels against the oppressing rules got captured and torturedThe first thing I notice is this weak, repetitive of the word got . Which brings up the question who is doning all this stuff? You mention that humans and magical creatures are in trouble... which just confuses me. What's left? You probably don't want to focus on the villains right now, but you can be a little more clear and use more active wording without introducing them.And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – is no help after he lost his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore.
 
But being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking to torture him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army – Still confused WHAT they even are has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas of the land back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen knows the perfect final scene too: an intense battle where he kills Zadok for good. Sentence is a bit strange given how its worded and its placement after the last sentence. It makes it seem that a "scene" has something to do with memories. Instead he's trying to make the protagonist strong to then beat him in a battle? Why that doesn't seem to make much sense on its face. 
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get repressed. He doesn’t believe someone with no memories could be helpful. You just told us he can get his memories back. So why is this a concern to him. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once. If Kasen’s dreams don’t come to reality, he could simply press reset and start over. I have no idea what this sentence means. Time travel? What are the bad guy's dreams? To kill the hero in a battle? Unclear. 
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen or he’ll lose all his memories again and the torturous cycle will continue. 
 
 
I'd like to make some bigger sweeping statements, but I'm honestly just a little confused. It probably makes a lot more sense in your head since you've rewritten this a few times; things get lost in the shuffle. 


#34 AstrMikeDexter

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Posted 14 March 2019 - 12:03 PM

 

Newest draft (3/10):
 
Zadok finds his world destroyed. Humans got kidnapped and massacred. Any type of magical creature who rebels against the oppressing rules got captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – is no help after he lost his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore. This is all very interesting! I'm just a little confused about what has actually happened. What/who destroyed the world and how?
 
But being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking to torture him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army I could use a little insight into who the enemy is and their motivations (other than torturing Zadok) – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas of the land back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen knows the perfect final scene too: an intense battle where he kills Zadok for good.
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits get repressed I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel with this sentence. Currently, I don't really care if water spirits get repressed or what that means for the story. Maybe it can be expounded upon earlier?. He doesn’t believe someone with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once Oooh! Very interesting. If Kasen’s dreams don’t come to reality, he could simply press reset and start over. I think you should frame this last sentence from Zadok's perspective. It should be about his journey. So if he doesn't stop Kasen, then he risks losing his memories again, or something. Up the stakes a bit.
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen or he’ll lose all his memories again and the torturous cycle will continue.
 

 

Interesting premise! Just a few comments and suggestions above. Best of luck!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#35 Ethaaang

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Posted 14 March 2019 - 02:57 PM

Zadok finds his world destroyed. Humans got kidnapped and massacred. Any type of magical creature maybe just say “any type of magical creature…” who rebels against the oppressing rules is there a simpler way to say oppressing rules? got captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – is no help after he lost his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore.

 

But being a great warrior before before what? what happened to make him lose his memory? puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking to torture him. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ do the enemies have a name? army – has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas of the land where are they? back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen knows the perfect final scene too: an intense battle where he kills Zadok for good.

 

Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war even after seeing water spirits seems kind of tossed in get repressed. He doesn’t believe someone with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back I personally would prefer “return” to get back..maybe just simpler, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once. If Kasen’s dreams don’t come to reality, he could simply press reset and start over.

 

Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen or he’ll lose all his memories again and the torturous cycle will continue.  I’m definitely intrigued but I’m curious if there is a bit more to the plot you could add to kind of, place me in the story?  Just my 2 cents. 



#36 London C

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Posted 14 March 2019 - 05:47 PM

 

Newest draft (3/10):
 
Zadok finds his world destroyed. [Destoroyed by whom?]Humans got kidnapped and massacred. [This is implied by destroyed]Any type of magical creature[I'd find this more compelling if you are more specific here, assuming you can do so without getting bogged down in detail]who rebels against the oppressing rules got captured and tortured. And Zadok – one of the best swordsmen – is no help after he lost his memories. He knows simple things like how to ride a horse, but he doesn’t even know how to hold a sword anymore.
 
But being a great warrior before puts a target on his back. Every monster, from half breeds to beasts, is looking to torture him[why?]. That and Kasen – the leader of the enemies’ army [Did the army destroy the world? If so, why?]– has made a little game for Zadok to play. If Zadok can take certain areas of the land back under his control, he can get some of his memories back. Kasen knows the perfect final scene too: an intense battle where he kills Zadok for good. [The stakes here are clear, but Kasen's motivations aren't]
 
Zadok is conflicted about fighting in the war [while it's implied, you don't mention a war before. Did the war destroy the world or is it a result of the destruction]even after seeing water spirits get repressed. He doesn’t believe someone with no memories could be helpful. But the more memories he gets back, the more he realizes everything – his family, his friends, his life – was taken away from him more than once. If Kasen’s dreams don’t come to reality, he could simply press reset and start over.
 
Now, he must find a way to stop Kasen or he’ll lose all his memories again and the torturous cycle will continue.
 

 

 

My first impression of this is that there just isn't enough information. When I looked at the thread, I saw your earlier versions, which are, I think, more compelling :( 

 

Based on the earlier draft, it feels like the big conflict/problem Zadok has is that he's trapped in a cycle where he has to fight the same battle(s) repeatedly. You've put that at the end here. I'd lead with it, then give us enough information so we can understand at least the basics of Kasen's motivations to toy with him (from the prior query, I assume it's because he wants revenge for human crimes against monsters.  

 

Other critiques noted this before, but I also think you need to work on the voice. It's fairly perfunctory and doesn't give us much insight into Zadok or the world. Can you substitute some more impactful words for some of your verbs or otherwise bring some sense of the voice? 


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#37 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 15 March 2019 - 02:39 AM

Thanks for the tips everyone! I think I'll be taking a small break to work on it again, so please ignore this thread for a bit. I'll let you know when a new draft is up.







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