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Legacy (YA fiction)


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#1 Koechophe

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Posted 31 December 2018 - 10:48 PM

Alright, so I haven't actually finished this puppy yet, so the prospect of publishing is far enough in the periphery that I need binoculars to see it, but I'd like to see what you guys think anyway.

 

"Glen knelt on one knee, head bowed respectfully, face furrowed in concentration. He’d never been particularly good at praying, which was pretty sad, considering who he was. Other people seemed to be able to pray in a language that was both beautiful and respectful. Glen, however, could barely muster the courage to say two words to the Divines.

After all, he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of his parents.

“Uhm… hey,” Glen said, finally working up the courage to speak. “I… I know you’re listening. I… I’m not sure if that’s something people have a problem with or not. I mean, it would be kind of silly if they did, since you guys are really powerful, but I mean, I just wanted to make sure you knew that… well, obviously you know that, I wasn’t trying to imply that you didn’t know that, because you know everything. Well, or maybe...”

Glen sighed, wishing he could just start over. Unfortunately, Divines didn’t tend to forget things.

“I… I guess what I mean is… I know you hear me. I know that. I...I know I’m important to you. I can feel it inside of me, and when I close my eyes, I can almost see you guys watching. I… I don’t know why I’m so special, but… thanks. For watching, and listening. It’s… it’s good.”

Glen cleared his throat and awkwardly rose to his feet. It wasn’t much of a prayer, but it was the best Glen could do."

 


#2 lnloft

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Posted 08 January 2019 - 09:09 PM

Alright, so I haven't actually finished this puppy yet, so the prospect of publishing is far enough in the periphery that I need binoculars to see it, but I'd like to see what you guys think anyway.

 

"Glen knelt on one knee, head bowed respectfully, face furrowed in concentration. He’d never been particularly good at praying, which was pretty sad, considering who he was. Other people seemed to be able to pray in a language that was both beautiful and respectful. Glen, however, could barely muster the courage to say two words to the Divines.

After all, he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of his parents. I like the idea behind this line, but I think I have a bit too much of a delayed reaction, where first I'm picturing his (human) parents standing behind him, watching and judging him as he gets ready to pray. Then I realize that it means his parents are gods. I'd like something that gets the message across clearer that this is not a normal kid. But concept of making us go, "Ooh, wait, his parents are gods" is right on track.

“Uhm… hey,” Glen said, finally working up the courage to speak. “I… I know you’re listening. I… I’m not sure if that’s something people have a problem with or not. I mean, it would be kind of silly if they did, since you guys are really powerful, but I mean, I just wanted to make sure you knew that… well, obviously you know that, I wasn’t trying to imply that you didn’t know that, because you know everything. Well, or maybe...” This got a little much, so I cut a couple phrases that I think could go while still keeping the uncertain stuttering intact, but you could try a couple other ways as well.

Glen sighed, wishing he could just start over. Unfortunately, Divines didn’t tend to forget things.

“I… I guess what I mean is… I know you hear me. I know that. I...I know I’m important to you. I can feel it inside of me, and when I close my eyes, I can almost see you guys watching. I… I don’t know why I’m so special, but… thanks. For watching, and listening. It’s… it’s good.” This is interesting, because usually it seems when there's a story about a kid with divine parentage, the divine parents are absent, and at the very least the kid thinks they don't care. So you're doing something a little different, which is a plus.

Glen cleared his throat and awkwardly rose to his feet. It wasn’t much of a prayer, but it was the best Glen could do."

Overall a solid start. The only other big thing that I would say would be to provide some sense of place. Doesn't have to be much, just something like, "Glen knelt in front of the alter/in his bedroom/in the linen aisle of the local Walmart." You know, just something so that we can start forming a background as he prays, so that he's not just floating in some gray, amorphous mist.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 W.P.

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Posted 21 January 2019 - 12:15 PM

Glen knelt on one knee, head bowed respectfully, face furrowed in concentration. He’d never been particularly good at praying, which was pretty sad, considering who he was. Other people seemed to be able to pray in a language that was both beautiful and respectful. Glen, however, could barely muster the courage to say two words to the Divines. ((Where is he kneeling? I can't quite picture it.))

 

After all, he didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of his parents. ((this is great stuff. But I think the first paragraph is a bit lackluster compared to this part. Maybe trim it down for more impact?))

 

“Uhm… hey,” Glen said, finally working up the courage to speak. “I… I know you’re listening. I… I’m not sure if that’s something people have a problem with or not. I mean, it would be kind of silly if they did, since you guys are really powerful, but I mean, I just wanted to make sure you knew that… well, obviously you know that, I wasn’t trying to imply that you didn’t know that, because you know everything. Well, or maybe...((too many tangents that felt like awkward exposition. just him stuttering and not knowing what to say is enough for him to want to start over imo.)) 

 

Glen sighed, wishing he could just start over. Unfortunately, Divines didn’t tend to forget things.

 

“I… I guess what I mean is… I know you hear me. I know that. I...I know I’m important to you. I can feel it inside of me, and when I close my eyes, I can almost see you guys watching. ((sounds more like prose than a line of dialogue.)) I… I don’t know why I’m so special, but… thanks. For watching, and listening. It’s… it’s good.” 

 

 

Glen cleared his throat and awkwardly rose to his feet. It wasn’t much of a prayer, but it was the best Glen he could do.

 

 

I really like this beginning. It's humorous and endearing and says quite a bit about Glen and his parents. My only issue is that the whole thing is a blank, meaning, I couldn't picture any of it. Not the place or the character since there is no description. I also think the beginning could be trimmed a little for more impact and for better pacing, other than that, it's awesome! :) This makes me want to keep reading.

 

I hope this was helpful. Good luck! :)






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