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I WILL FIND YOU - YA ROMANTIC SUSPENSE

Fiction Young Adult Thrillers/Suspense Romance

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#1 RebeccaDV

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Posted 10 January 2019 - 10:37 AM

Hi everyone!

 

I would really appreciate your comments. Thanks!!

 

Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”. To fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her oath, but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams: that should have been ruled out by the law of the impossible.

 

Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. Impossible, like not risking everything to find him.

 

Layo receives a message from his father seconds before been murdered. His instructions are clear: nine months from now he will have to testify against the NGO suspected of covering up a pedophile ring. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger. 

 

After nine Crusoesque months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case has been dismissed. That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope: he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked.

 

What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations will cause them to collide at the very heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian conspiracy lurking behind the NGO.



#2 Corry

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Posted 10 January 2019 - 11:27 PM

Hi everyone!

 

I would really appreciate your comments. Thanks!!

 

Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”. (perhaps a short explanation of why they're doing this. For example "...until she finishes her schooling.") To have fallen fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her impossible oath, (Name that oath! It's a bit elusive to just say "against her oath" without any background. Perhaps, "...goes against her oath to remain pure" or whatever the situation may be. It's important to know what her oath is as it sets up the stakes) but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams: that should have been ruled out by the law of the impossible.  Not a terrible line, but it's more a statement (telling) rather than a showing. 

 

Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. Impossible, like not risking everything to find him. (this is interesting, but needs a better set-up) 

 

Layo receives a message from his father seconds before been being murdered. Make clear who's getting murdered, father or son His instructions are clear: nine months from now he will have to testify against the NGO (not advisable to use acronyms) organization suspected of covering up a pedophile ring. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger. Why? Can he name names?

 

After nine Crusoesque (I like this description, but it may be lost on some) months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case has been dismissed. That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope: (a dash might be better here) he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked. If it's been dismissed, why does he have to get his life back?

 

What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations (investigating his disappearance? Almost sounds like she's investigating the organization as well. If she is, this should've come out sooner) will cause them to collide (show, don't tell. How do they "collide?") at the very heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian (a little overuse of dramatics between Machiavellian, Cruella-de-vil and the Crusoe line. Remember, you're showing, not telling. Make these characters and situations say it without saying it) conspiracy lurking behind the NGO. I would re-write this last line, this time setting the stakes. Perhaps something like; "...what Hope doesn't know is that her choice to find Layo means losing her family forever."

 

 

 

Overall, your story sounds very intriguing! I like the characters, but don't know much about your main character, Hope. Only that she's in love and pregnant. Also, a hook at the beginning would be extremely helpful. It sets the groundwork for what's to come. There is a hook section here where you can run them by people. You'll get some great help there. I love the genre, as it's mine as well, but if love is to be gained, we need to know the risk of finding it. Good luck! 



#3 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 01:36 PM

Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, which is the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”. (Why in ""? Is it not a hostage situation?) To fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her oath, but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams in only four weeks. That should've been ruled out by the law of the impossible.  (Not sure what you mean by "law of the impossible".)

 

Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. (Why do they think it's impossible? When did he disappear?) Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. (Why would that be impossible? No abortion?) Impossible, like not risking everything to find him. 

 

Layo receives a message from his father seconds before his father was murdered. (Is this a duel POV novel? & This is so different from the other part that it caught me off guard. It also gives away the suspense of his disappearance. -- Now that I read on, I realized that it was his father that got murdered. Not Layo. But that wasn't clear before.) His instructions are clear: he will have to testify against the NGO suspected of covering up a pedophile ring (This just made me lost. Who's the NGO? What ring?) nine months from now. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger. (Why?)

 

After nine Crusoesque months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case was dismissed. (Why dismissed?) That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope (Who's Hope?): he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked. (Evidence for what?)

 

What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations will cause them to collide at the very organization's heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. (What secret? Weren't they just on "hostage"?) What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian conspiracy lurking behind the NGO. (I don't think the last couple of lines has as much punch as they could.)

 

Overall, I think you have a good start. The beginning was smooth. I'd just clarify a few things throughout it.

 

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#4 RebeccaDV

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Posted 12 January 2019 - 04:18 PM

 

Hi everyone!

 

I would really appreciate your comments. Thanks!!

 

Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”. (perhaps a short explanation of why they're doing this. For example "...until she finishes her schooling.") To have fallen fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her impossible oath, (Name that oath! It's a bit elusive to just say "against her oath" without any background. Perhaps, "...goes against her oath to remain pure" or whatever the situation may be. It's important to know what her oath is as it sets up the stakes) but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams: that should have been ruled out by the law of the impossible.  Not a terrible line, but it's more a statement (telling) rather than a showing. 

 

Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. Impossible, like not risking everything to find him. (this is interesting, but needs a better set-up) 

 

Layo receives a message from his father seconds before been being murdered. Make clear who's getting murdered, father or son His instructions are clear: nine months from now he will have to testify against the NGO (not advisable to use acronyms) organization suspected of covering up a pedophile ring. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger. Why? Can he name names?

 

After nine Crusoesque (I like this description, but it may be lost on some) months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case has been dismissed. That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope: (a dash might be better here) he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked. If it's been dismissed, why does he have to get his life back?

 

What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations (investigating his disappearance? Almost sounds like she's investigating the organization as well. If she is, this should've come out sooner) will cause them to collide (show, don't tell. How do they "collide?") at the very heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian (a little overuse of dramatics between Machiavellian, Cruella-de-vil and the Crusoe line. Remember, you're showing, not telling. Make these characters and situations say it without saying it) conspiracy lurking behind the NGO. I would re-write this last line, this time setting the stakes. Perhaps something like; "...what Hope doesn't know is that her choice to find Layo means losing her family forever."

 

 

 

Overall, your story sounds very intriguing! I like the characters, but don't know much about your main character, Hope. Only that she's in love and pregnant. Also, a hook at the beginning would be extremely helpful. It sets the groundwork for what's to come. There is a hook section here where you can run them by people. You'll get some great help there. I love the genre, as it's mine as well, but if love is to be gained, we need to know the risk of finding it. Good luck! 

 

Thank you Corry,

 

Your comments are of great help.

 

In the first paragraph, her oath is when she swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain. Please let me know if it's not clear.

 

Thanks!!



#5 Corry

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 04:17 AM

Perhaps, "...goes against her oath to stay chaste" or "...promises her parents she'll not marry until she's twenty." You don't have to use that wording per se, but something that spells it out because her "oath" is (still) a mystery. 



#6 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 08:58 PM

Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”.

I like this opening hook. You introduce us to your MC and her situation right away. The only thing I would change is the Cruella de Vil comparison. First of all, I think the integrity of your sentence stands without it. The fact that her parents are holding her hostage is enough to tell us that they aren't the kindest people. Also, it feels odd when there's no comparison for the dad. Both parents are holding her hostage, so the question in my mind is why the dad isn't compared to some cartoon supervillain?

 

To fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her oath, but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams: that should have been ruled out by the law of the impossible.

After hooking me with the first line, you lost me here. Firstly, the wording feels unnecessarily convoluted, with phrases like "To fall in love with Layo." There's a love interest who is causing Hope to waver on her dreams, but you haven't introduced us to her dreams. I'm not sure what you mean when you say the law of the impossible. Are you referring to the legal concept?

 

Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. (I love this wording!)  Impossible, like not risking everything to find him.

Here, you caught my interest again. I would just structure it differently. First, comes Layo's disappearance (inciting incident). Then, the fact that Hope is risking everything (be more specific) to find him. I would end with the suggestion that she's pregnant with his child.

 

Layo receives a message from his father seconds before been murdered. (I would change the first sentence to make it crystal-clear as to who was murdered--Layo or his father. I know it's the father, but the wording is weird.) His instructions are clear: nine months from now he will have to testify against the NGO suspected of covering up a pedophile ring. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger.

This part feels jarring. We've jumped from Hope's story to Layo's story. Who is the MC of this book?

 

After nine Crusoesque months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case has been dismissed. That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope: he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization ("Murderous organization" sounds weird here. It makes me think of organized crime--the Mafia, cartels, etc.--not an NGO.) with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked.

   

What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations (Her investigations? Isn't she just a 16 yo dancer?) will cause them to collide at the very heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian conspiracy lurking behind the NGO.

I understand there are two teen protagonists in this story and the romantic element is what connects them, but this query felt jarring. It jumped from Hope's POV to Layo's POV to an omniscient narrator at the end. It also feels disconnected, with important plot lines left unaddressed. Despite that, I will say that your premise sounds very interesting and complex; and judging by what I've read here, I could see it having good crossover appeal to adult readers as well. I also love the title, which is on-point for the thriller/suspense category, while conveying the romantic undertones of your story.


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