Sixteen-year-old dancer Hope Sanderson swore she would take no interest in anything or anyone in Spain, the country in which her dad and Cruella-De-Vil-mother are “holding her hostage”.
I like this opening hook. You introduce us to your MC and her situation right away. The only thing I would change is the Cruella de Vil comparison. First of all, I think the integrity of your sentence stands without it. The fact that her parents are holding her hostage is enough to tell us that they aren't the kindest people. Also, it feels odd when there's no comparison for the dad. Both parents are holding her hostage, so the question in my mind is why the dad isn't compared to some cartoon supervillain?
To fall in love with Layo—the hot-lifeguard-sculptor—goes against her oath, but the fact that in only four weeks he has caused her to reconsider all her dreams: that should have been ruled out by the law of the impossible.
After hooking me with the first line, you lost me here. Firstly, the wording feels unnecessarily convoluted, with phrases like "To fall in love with Layo." There's a love interest who is causing Hope to waver on her dreams, but you haven't introduced us to her dreams. I'm not sure what you mean when you say the law of the impossible. Are you referring to the legal concept?
Impossible, like the police's explanation for Layo's disappearance. Impossible, like getting rid of the baby that is growing inside her. (I love this wording!) Impossible, like not risking everything to find him.
Here, you caught my interest again. I would just structure it differently. First, comes Layo's disappearance (inciting incident). Then, the fact that Hope is risking everything (be more specific) to find him. I would end with the suggestion that she's pregnant with his child.
Layo receives a message from his father seconds before been murdered. (I would change the first sentence to make it crystal-clear as to who was murdered--Layo or his father. I know it's the father, but the wording is weird.) His instructions are clear: nine months from now he will have to testify against the NGO suspected of covering up a pedophile ring. Until then, his life and all those with whom he comes into contact will be in danger.
This part feels jarring. We've jumped from Hope's story to Layo's story. Who is the MC of this book?
After nine Crusoesque months spent hiding in the northern mountains, he returns to Madrid only to discover that the case has been dismissed. That leaves him with only one way to get his life back and reunite with Hope: he will have to infiltrate the murderous organization ("Murderous organization" sounds weird here. It makes me think of organized crime--the Mafia, cartels, etc.--not an NGO.) with the help of a network of squatter-hacktivists, and find the evidence his father lacked.
What Layo doesn't expect is that Hope's investigations (Her investigations? Isn't she just a 16 yo dancer?) will cause them to collide at the very heart of the organization. What Hope doesn't see coming is the secret her family has been harboring. What no one can imagine is the Machiavellian conspiracy lurking behind the NGO.
I understand there are two teen protagonists in this story and the romantic element is what connects them, but this query felt jarring. It jumped from Hope's POV to Layo's POV to an omniscient narrator at the end. It also feels disconnected, with important plot lines left unaddressed. Despite that, I will say that your premise sounds very interesting and complex; and judging by what I've read here, I could see it having good crossover appeal to adult readers as well. I also love the title, which is on-point for the thriller/suspense category, while conveying the romantic undertones of your story.