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Vistyrria (sci-fi)


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#1 kassamarandra

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Posted 13 January 2019 - 11:33 AM

Thank you in advance for the feedback. 

 

 

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Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left him suspicious of all new species to visit the abundant planet of Vistyrria.

 

As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world. It's the group's mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species, and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial. Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier. But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt.

 

With the help of a human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to the human's ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure exactly what he's uncovered, or exactly what the humans plan, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions. While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their plan and wipe out the Vistyrrians.

 

VISTYRRIA is an adult Science Fiction story that flips the alien invasion trope and explores an alien world where humans are the invaders. [housekeeping - dual POV]



#2 JDSmith

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 01:38 AM

Thank you in advance for the feedback. 

 

 

___________________________________________________

 

Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left him suspicious of all new species to visit the abundant planet of Vistyrria. (Haha! I'm already interested!)

 

As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world (What? I think we're missing a word here). It's the group's mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species, and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial. Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier. But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt. 

(M. Night Shyamalan - "What a twist!")

 

With the help of a human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to their ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure exactly what he's uncovered, or exactly what the humans plan, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions. While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their plan and wipe out the Vistyrrians.

 

VISTYRRIA is an adult Science Fiction story that flips the alien invasion trope and explores an alien world where humans are the invaders. [housekeeping - dual POV]

Great concept! I'm hooked- kind of... It feels like this query whizzes past before I can attain any information. It feels confusing. I think more time needs to be spent developing the setting in the first paragraph. I didn't fully understand what was going on and then suddenly HUMANS. It just needs some polishing. I'm looking forward to seeing how it develops!


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#3 Gabe S.

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Posted 15 January 2019 - 08:51 PM

Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left him suspicious of all new species to visit the his abundant planet of Vistyrria.

 

(I think this is where the "aliens" arrive. I'd move the sentence announcing this here.) As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world. It's the group's joins a secret mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors to the Vistyrrian Senate. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial. Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier. But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt. 

 

With the help of a human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to the human's ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure exactly what he's uncovered, or exactly what the humans plan, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions. While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their whatever secret plans they have in store for Vistyrria. and wipe out the Vistyrrians. (Don't jump the gun--leave me hanging!) 

 

VISTYRRIA is an adult Science Fiction story that flips the alien invasion trope and explores an alien world where humans are the invaders. [housekeeping - dual POV]

 

Great concept! Keep at it. (Vistyrria reminds me of Listeria, but that's just me. Ignore.) 


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...a-sci-fi/page-2


#4 kathleenq

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Posted 31 January 2019 - 06:56 PM

Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left leaves him suspicious of all new species to visit the abundant planet of Vistyrria (is this his home planet or the planet that he's been abducted to?).

 

As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world. It's the group's mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species, and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial (in denial of what? I feel like you can't be in denial about your belief that you've been abducted or not, unless being Taken means that you've been abducted, in which case your description earlier that it's a belief is confusing). Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier (what mass abduction? Was he a part of this mass abduction and now he's a Taken? If he was, where did the humans take him to and how did he get back to Vistyrria?). But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt.

 

With the help of a friendly human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to their human's ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure exactly what exactly he's uncovered, or exactly  what exactly the humans' plans are, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions (I think you need to mention that Phannix has some idea that the unknown pathogen is dangerous or something, because this is very little evidence to be presenting to a governing body). While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their plan and wipe out the Vistyrrians (but if they don't know the plan, then how do they know it's going to wipe out the Vistyrrians?).

 

This is a very interesting premise, but I'm not sure you really need to include Narissa in the query, unless she's more involved in the action of the discovery. So far, I get that Phannix has met her earlier and then for whatever reason, he decides to trust her. The relationship, and thus relevance, is unclear. Hope this helps! If you can check out my query when you get a chance, I'd appreciate it :)


Query: Glass Domes


#5 PeterD

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Posted 01 February 2019 - 03:42 PM


Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left him suspicious of all new species to visit the abundant planet of Vistyrria. What I don't understand here is why this makes him shunned. On Earth, alien-abductees are shunned because nobody believes, but if new species are regularly visiting, it seems less farfetched. So why?

 

//As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world. It's the group's mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species, and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial.//I feel like you're asking all three of these sentences to do too much heavy lifting. Try something like: "Phannix joins the Taken's Voice, a radical splinter group dedicated to proving the dangers and changing the senate's policies. When a new ship arrives, P gets himself assigned... in order to learn all he can. There he meets Narissa..." Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier. But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt.

 

With the help of a human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to the human's ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure //exactly// what he's uncovered, or //exactly//I'd avoid repeating 'exactly,' and you probably don't really need either. what the humans plan, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions. While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their plan and wipe out the Vistyrrians. I agree with the above comments: this paragraph needs fleshing out along the lines of: what makes them so sure that's the humans' plan? And, how does Narissa get so involved? All you've got up to now is "he meets Narissa," so their relationship needs (probably just a bit) more explaining.

 

VISTYRRIA is an adult Science Fiction story that flips the alien invasion trope and explores an alien world where humans are the invaders. [housekeeping - dual POV]

 

Overall a great job - well written, and an exciting premise with a nice 'flip!'



#6 beccamae

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 05:04 PM

Hi, I'll post my feedback down below. I'd love some feedback too: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

Phannix is a Taken—shunned for believing aliens abducted him—and his experience left use more active language 'leaves him' him suspicious of all new species to visit the abundant planet of Vistyrria. there was a lot in this last part of the sentence. There are new species visiting, but people don't believe in aliens? What is an abundant planet? Abundant in life?

 

As a member of The Taken's Voice, a radical splinter how is it a splinter? That makes it sound like there is internal conflict. Is that the case? group spawned from those abducted, Phannix helps with the launch their campaign during a new ship's arrival to their world. It's the group's mission to prove of the dangers of free trade with alien species, and to change the senate's policies on off-world visitors. In order to learn all he can about the new aliens, Phannix gets himself assigned passive voice here to a low-level scribe position for the arrival, where he meets Narissa, a Taken in denial. Upon meeting the new aliens, who call themselves humans or Earthlings? If they are from Earth, humans is too vague as other humans might exist, Phannix recognizes them as the species behind the mass abduction a year earlier. But, in order to convince the senate, he'll need proof of their guilt.

 

With the help of a human he's made friends with, Phannix gains access to the human's ship and discovers a secret lab and an unknown pathogen. Not quite sure exactly what he's uncovered, or exactly what the humans plan, he hopes it will be enough to convince the senate of the human's ill intentions. While Phannix and Narissa don't agree on whether to drive the humans off or destroy them altogether, Isn't Narissa in denial? When does this change? they do agree that they must be stopped before they can enact their plan and wipe out the Vistyrrians.

 

VISTYRRIA is an adult Science Fiction story that flips the alien invasion trope and explores an alien world where humans are the invaders. [housekeeping - dual POV] you can work the dual POV in, or nix it altogether. It's clear Narissa and Phannix are both involved in the story.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of plot points, but things move too rapidly in the query. I would cut some of it so you can flesh out the earlier details. How does Phannix know he was abducted. Give some enticing details about his culture. It wasn't clear that he wasn't an Earthling human. There was also no sense of setting in the query. There's a lot that's unusual about this story, but make sure to spell it out for us. Good luck.






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