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The Wincander Witch -middle grade ((Will Critique Back))

middle grade fantasy

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#1 W.P.

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Posted 16 January 2019 - 02:55 PM

please link me to your first 250 words; I like to return the favor. :)

 

 

 

2nd try:

 

 

Beth was eleven, but she was not a child. Children avoided all awful things, such as homework, the doctor, and even vegetables. Beth, on the other hand, avoided all things fun. 

During recess, children played or talked or read, but Beth would sit under a tree and gaze at the horizon all by herself. When told a joke, a child might laugh or scrunch up their noses in confusion, but Beth showed absolutely no reaction—not one muscle of her face moved.  

And, surely, all children loved celebrating their birthdays, they dreamed of presents and cake and blowing out the candles to get their wishes. But birthdays were Beth's night terrors. She knew she would never turn twelve. She knew the witch would come for her. 

Even before she had been born, her father had known it too. 

Because of this, Mr Wincander had never wanted children of his own. He had never told his wife why, but she had accepted his decision without an issue, and the couple had lived quite happily indeed. But then, five years later, Mrs Wincander found herself pregnant. 

To her, it was a happy surprise, but to Mr Wincander, Beth's birth brought him a nightmare that still haunted his sleep. When he tried to explain the source of his dread, his wife gaped right at him and said, “I’m not sure if you are joking or completely mad.” 

But Mr Wincander was very serious. His fingers quivered and his lips trembled when he confessed, “The Wincander children are cursed. I was sixteen when the disappearances started. My little sister was the first to be taken, then my cousin … neither one has ever been seen again ...” 



#2 Koechophe

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Posted 18 January 2019 - 07:00 PM

Heya W.P, I tend to like critiquing your stuff, you do a good job

 

 

 

Beth Wincander was eleven, but she was not a child. This sentence is a good idea, but the fact that you've got two passive verbs going on (was, was not) that are super vague just means the execution falls flat. Reword to bring a bit clearer of an image and a bit more active tone. 

 

Children avoided all the right things, such as like homework, the doctor, and even vegetables. Beth, however, avoided all things funavoided everything 

 

During recess, children played or talked or read, but. Beth satwould sit under a tree and gaze at the horizon all by herself. When told a joke, a A child might laugh or scrunch up their noses in confusion at a joke, but Beth kept still had absolutely no reaction—not one muscle of her face moved.  

 

And, surely, all children loved celebrating their birthdays, they dreamed of presents and cake and blowing the candles to get their wishes. But birthdays were Beth's night terrors. She knew she would never turn twelve. She knew the witch would come for her. The word structuring here is too mature for the genre. You need to simplify the sentences a lot (not the word choice as much as the pure sentence structure. This is what my edits are geared towards).

 

But to understand Beth’s story, it’s important to learn about her birth. And the truth is Beth was never supposed to be born.  

 

To her mother, Beth had been a happy accident (this idea might be a bit too much for a MG fiction. Would a twelve-year-old have any clue what "happy accident" means when it comes to being born?), but to her father, her birth had brought him a nightmare that still haunted his sleep. When Mr Wincander had tried to explain the source of his dread, his wife had gawked right at him and said, “I’m not sure whether you are joking or completely mad.” 

 

But Mr Wincander had been very This word is repeated a lot. serious, and his fingers had quivered and his lips had trembled when he confessed, “The Wincander children are cursed. My sister was the first to be taken, then my cousin … neither one has ever been seen again ...” Your dialogue tags are super long. Just throw the sentences by themselves.

 

Over all, it reads a bit too complicated. Pare it down to the base essentials, and dumb the writing style down a tad. It also strikes me as being a bit unnecessary that you have all the precursor. You could legit cut everything before "to understand Beth" and your story would start a lot smoother imho. 

 

Hope this helps! Good luck and happy writing. Here's mine if you want to dig in.

 

http://agentquerycon...acy-ya-fiction/

 







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