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GOLDSONG-- YA Fantasy/Mythology


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#1 NoraP

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Posted 19 January 2019 - 11:51 AM

First draft!

 

To win her freedom, a girl with a deadly gift will battle pirates, heroes, gods, monsters, and her own cravings for a power to make the world tremble.



#2 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 19 January 2019 - 08:26 PM

I came here after reading your query. I'll repeat what I said there: What sucked me in with your hook was that you have an MC who is going against both monsters and heroes. That said, I think you can (and should) name your MC here. Names are more personal.

 

Also, keep in mind the Rule of Three. It's easier for readers to remember it if you keep to three things rather than saying pirates, heroes, gods, monsters, etc.

 

Lastly, the last part is a bit odd: "her own cravings for a power to make the world tremble." She already has a deadly ability, so how important is this power? It's also a bit wordy. I would say something along the lines of "her own insatiable lust for power."


Check out my poetry book, The Groundwork of Realization (2018).
 

#3 NoraP

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Posted 19 January 2019 - 09:58 PM

Thank you, you have a good point! How's this:

 

To win her freedom, Aster of Phrygia will battle pirates, heroes, monsters, and her own insatiable lust for power.



#4 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 21 January 2019 - 05:31 PM

I like this hook a lot more, but we can still tighten this a bit more. 

 

To earn her freedom [from who or what?], Aster of Phrygia must battle monsters, heroes, and her own insatiable lust for power.
 
A couple things here:
- I don't think you need to add pirates. "Pirates" make me think less Greek myth retelling and more Treasure Island.
- Using "must" instead of "will" adds a sense of urgency and raises the stakes.
- "Earn" is an action verb. You might also mention who or what is keeping her captive.
- When listing what she must battle, aim to keep to the rule of three in writing. Things listed in threes are more memorable and convey a sense of completeness.

Check out my poetry book, The Groundwork of Realization (2018).
 

#5 NoraP

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Posted 21 January 2019 - 11:07 PM

 

I like this hook a lot more, but we can still tighten this a bit more. 

 

To earn her freedom [from who or what?], Aster of Phrygia must battle monsters, heroes, and her own insatiable lust for power.
 
A couple things here:
- I don't think you need to add pirates. "Pirates" make me think less Greek myth retelling and more Treasure Island. Okay, good point xD
- Using "must" instead of "will" adds a sense of urgency and raises the stakes. You're right, I think that does sound better.
- "Earn" is an action verb. You might also mention who or what is keeping her captive. I'm sorry, I don't see the difference between "earn" and "win", as they're both action verbs? 
- When listing what she must battle, aim to keep to the rule of three in writing. Things listed in threes are more memorable and convey a sense of completeness. I want to add something besides "monsters" and "heroes" to give a little more of a feel for the world, but I understand what you mean. Tried to remedy it below.

 

 

Try #3

 

To win her freedom from a greedy king, Aster of Phrygia must battle gods, heroes, monsters, and worse─ her own insatiable lust for power.



#6 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 22 January 2019 - 08:48 PM

I think you can definitely flesh out your world while keeping things short and punchy. Let's get specific about the gods, heroes, monsters in your book. If you were going to entice me to read GOLDSONG, what are some of the unique threats I can expect to see Aster battling?

 

As it is, the hook doesn't feel as compelling as it needs to be, but you are definitely on the right track!


Check out my poetry book, The Groundwork of Realization (2018).
 




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