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Lilith, Bug, and the Whale YA Contemporary

Young Adult

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#1 kotafjones

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Posted 20 January 2019 - 01:44 PM

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to give some advice.

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.

 

The beginning of Lilith’s summer before her senior year was supposed to start off like all the others before it – taking pictures for her portfolio, hanging out with her best friend, Kat, and soaking up the sun while her mom and little sister surf at the local beach. But then her nine-year-old sister, Cassie dies in a surfing accident, and Lilith’s dream of a perfect summer becomes a distant memory.

 

Everything about Lilith’s life is changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse, her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist called, Doc, and then there’s the fact that every time she looks into Cassie’s room, she sees the whale, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe.

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s sole focus for the summer, Lilith gets a job at the new surf shop in town and meets a group of people she can start over with. But can she hide the truth of Cassie’s death and her crushing anxiety from them forever? Especially from Bug, the boy who looks at her as if she’s as transparent as the island waters and maybe – possibly makes her heart feel a little less numb? And will Lilith ever be able to face the whale, or will her mental illness send her down a road of no return?



#2 W.P.

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Posted 21 January 2019 - 08:52 AM

Thanks so much for the critique! I'm here to return the favor. :)

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.

 

The beginning of Lilith’s summer before her senior year was to supposed to start off like all the others before it – takeing pictures for her portfolio, hanging out with her best friend, Kat, and soaking up the sun while her mom and little sister surf at the local beach. But then her nine-year-old sister, Cassie dies in a surfing accident, and Lilith’s her dream of a perfect summer becomes a distant memory when her nine-year-old sister, Cassie dies in a surfing accident.

 

((You have the right content for the hook, but it's drowned in filler. It doesn't have the "punch" that queries need. But that's a quick fix. :)   ))

 

Everything about Lilith’s life is changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse,; her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist called, Doc,; and then there’s the fact that every time she looks into Cassie’s room, she sees the whale she sees in Cassie's room, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe.

 

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s sole focus for the summer, ((no idea what this means but the query still makes sense.)) Lilith gets a job at the new surf shop in town and meets a group of people she can start over with. But can she hide the truth of Cassie’s death and her crushing anxiety from them forever? ((but why is she hiding it? actually, I know why, but I'm wondering what would be the consequences? what are the stakes? Why should I--the reader--care that they know?)) Especially from Bug, the boy who looks at her as if she’s as transparent as the island waters and maybe – possibly makes her heart feel a little less numb? And will Lilith ever be able to face the whale, or will her mental illness send her down a road of no return?

 

 

Super interesting story. The query is clear and has all the right things in it. However, I think it might be lacking a bit of punch, especially in the beginning. But it's easily fixed. It's just removing the excess.

Good job and keep at it! :)



#3 Caligulas

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Posted 23 January 2019 - 01:49 PM

Thanks for your critique!

Thanks in advance to anyone willing to give some advice.

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell. (I usually live by the words of Query Shark and Query Shark says this housekeeping goes below the query, that is, unless an agent specifically wants it above. In that case, I think you should write more of what the plot is and less of what it means thematically)

 

The beginning of Lilith’s summer before her senior year was supposed to start off like all the others before it – taking pictures for her portfolio, hanging out with her best friend, Kat, and soaking up the sun while her mom and little sister surf at the local beach. But then her nine-year-old sister, Cassie dies in a surfing accident, and Lilith’s dream of a perfect summer becomes a distant memory. (I don't dislike this, but at the same time it's not written punchy enough. You spend a long time talking about what the story isn't instead of what it is)

 

Everything about Lilith’s life is changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse, her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist called, Doc, and then there’s the fact that every time she looks into Cassie’s room, she sees the whale, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe. (I've been told by many that queries aren't the place to get overly flowery with you language, especially when in some stories this could be on the literal side. Also, this is wordy overall, I think you need to narrow down the sentence length and focus more on being concrete with what's happening. So far your MC isn't doing much other than being upset and this all reads like a lot of backstory. On top of that, it's nothing all that unheard of story wise and here is where you want to zero in on what makes your story unique)

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s sole focus for the summer, (Why? I've never dealt with anything like this, don't families like to come together for support, and if not, what is the reason?) Lilith gets a job at the new surf shop in town and meets a group of people she can start over with. (See this seems like where the plot gets moving and where your query should start) But can she hide the truth of Cassie’s death and her crushing anxiety from them forever? (Questions that are meant for the reader to answer are big query no-nos. This truth stuff is intriguing and probably where your second paragraph should be)Especially from Bug, the boy who looks at her as if she’s as transparent as the island waters and maybe – possibly makes her heart feel a little less numb? And will Lilith ever be able to face the whale, or will her mental illness send her down a road of no return? (This isn't a very intriguing ending, possibly due to the questions because they don't do what you're thinking they're doing. I, and most people likely, end with idk... that's not how you want to end the query. You want to end it with the reader REALLY interested in seeing what happens next. I think you need to focus the query on detailing plot more than emotion right now. There's not enough concrete plot here)

Hope this helps!



#4 kotafjones

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Posted 27 January 2019 - 01:20 PM

Thank you both for the feedback! Here is my second attempt. I just went for a complete re-write.

 

 

  Lilith has always been afraid of everything; big crowds, the dark, and most importantly, the water. Fortunately for her, her little sister, Cassie has fearlessness covered. Cassie is on track to be as good of a surfer as their mother, which means Lilith doesn’t have to feel too guilty for having nothing in common with her family. That is until Cassie dies in a surfing accident, leaving Lilith alone and confused about her place in her family and the world.

 

  When Lilith stumbles into Shiloh’s Surf Shop, she never expects to meet a group of strangers that make her feel truly accepted, no questions asked. There’s Shiloh, a fire-cracker with a heart of gold, Mac, who’s love-language is grumbling, and Wai, an army-brat with a kick-ass afro. But it’s with Bug -  quirky, lanky, and magnetic – that Lilith feels truly and completely understood for the first time.

 

  LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.



#5 Caligulas

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Posted 27 January 2019 - 06:13 PM

Thank you both for the feedback! Here is my second attempt. I just went for a complete re-write.

 

 

  Lilith has always been afraid of everything; big crowds, the dark, and most importantly, the water. Fortunately for her, her little sister, Cassie has fearlessness covered. Cassie is on track to be as good of a surfer as their mother, which means Lilith doesn’t have to feel too guilty for having nothing in common with her family. That is until Cassie dies in a surfing accident, leaving Lilith alone and confused about her place in her family and the world. (So I see what you're going for here, but it doesn't entirely make sense to me because I don't get Lilith's feelings. So her sister is like the rest of the family, she's the different one, and that makes her feel LESS guilty? Wouldn't it make her feel like more of an outcast in her family? How does her sister dying have anything to do with her place in the family?)

 

  When Lilith stumbles into Shiloh’s Surf Shop, she never expects to meet a group of strangers that make her feel truly accepted, no questions asked. There’s Shiloh, a fire-cracker with a heart of gold, Mac, who’s love-language is grumbling, and Wai, an army-brat with a kick-ass afro. But it’s with Bug -  quirky, lanky, and magnetic – that Lilith feels truly and completely understood for the first time. (This reads more like a blurb than a query letter. You're missing the essentials. What does your MC want, what's stands in their way, what will they do to get what they want? You have to answer these questions as the baseline of the query, not always explicitly, but it some way that details the plot. As it is, there's no conflict here, no stakes) 

 

Hope this helps! Keep trying!

 

  LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, (You need to SHOW this in the query, not TELL it in the housekeeping. Try going through the Query Shark logs to study more queries. :) )it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.

 


#6 kotafjones

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Posted 28 January 2019 - 01:28 PM

Okay, round three... Lol

 

 

Reeling from the death of her baby sister, Lilith’s life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe.

 

Lilith has always been afraid of everything; big crowds, the dark, and most of all, the water. This makes things difficult seeing as she’s a native Hawaiian. Her sister, Cassie was the one who loved to surf with their mother. Cassie was the fearless one. Now it’s just Lilith, her mother, and her step-father. With silence and sorrow filling the house, it’s no wonder that Lilith’s mom would put all of her focus, good or bad, on her.

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s suffocating attention, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop where she meets a group of people that completely accept her for the first time. All she wants to do is start over. That means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. But Lilith isn’t sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who makes her feel truly and completely seen.

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.



#7 Caligulas

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Posted 28 January 2019 - 01:49 PM

Okay, round three... Lol

 

 

Reeling from the death of her baby sister, Lilith’s life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe. (Too much info in this paragraph. Focus on your MC. The main point here is her sister died and she has anxiety. Find a way to say this in a hooky way. Also, the whale part I had issue with before. It's confusing. Be literal.)

 

Lilith has always been afraid of everything; big crowds, the dark, and most of all, the water. This makes things difficult seeing as she’s a native Hawaiian. Her sister, Cassie was the one who loved to surf with their mother. Cassie was the fearless one. Now it’s just Lilith, her mother, and her step-father. With silence and sorrow filling the house, it’s no wonder that Lilith’s mom would put all of her focus, good or bad, on her. (The information is good, but the writing is choppy and too long. This needs to be condensed.)

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s suffocating attention, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop where she meets a group of people that completely accept her for the first time. All she wants to do is start over. That means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. But Lilith isn’t sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who makes her feel truly and completely seen. (This is fine, but not intriguing. I think the information needs to move around a bit to enhance suspense and the hiding the truth part needs to be highlighted more. It's crammed in there like hidden veggies in a kid's sandwich)

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii. It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.

 

(This is better as it has the basic down, now you need to work on 'the sizzle' because right now it's very flat and long. Hope this helps! I have an updated query myself if you want to take a look.)



#8 IMB

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 04:14 PM

I thought you'd like a fresh set of eyes, so I'm critiquing this without looking at the other revisions!

 

Ps. I write a lot, so, don't be scared by all the red!

 

Okay, round three... Lol

 

 

Reeling from the death of her baby sister, Lilith’s life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe. (I like this start. Feels very powerful, and the whale served well as an image to me, since I know what feeling breathless from anxiety is like. It also gives it a little voice, which is nice!)

 

Lilith has always been afraid of everything; big crowds, the dark, and most of all, the water. This makes things difficult seeing as she’s a native Hawaiian. Her sister, Cassie was the one who loved to surf with their mother. Cassie was the fearless one. Now it’s just Lilith, her mother, and her step-father. With silence and sorrow filling the house, it’s no wonder that Lilith’s mom would put all of her focus, good or bad, on her. (This paragraph feels a little too long. You could remove the sentence about her being a native hawaiian entirely, because since you mention Cassie surfs with their mother, we automatically know they're coastal - we can learn about Hawaii later, in the book. Also, that last phrase was a bit awkward. You should try to make it a little more concise, so not to loose the attention of the reader.)

 

Desperate to escape her mother’s suffocating attention, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop where she meets a group of people that completely accept her for the first time. (This last bit, 'completely accept her for the first time' reads really strangely to me. I'd consider rephrasing it to make it more direct.) All she wants to do is start over. That means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. (So, this is the actual hook of the book, her hiding bits of her life. It's intriguing, but it's so down on the query that you risk people stopping before they even get to it.) But Lilith isn’t sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who makes her feel truly and completely seen. (I like this last bit with Bug. It makes the book come alive a little more, because so far the query felt slow.)

 

LILITH, BUG, AND THE WHALE is a 74,000-word YA contemporary novel based in Hawaii.(You say it's based in Hawaii here, so I'd definitely remove that sentence in the 2nd paragraph.) It explores grief, loss, and the power of friendship. With an emphasis on anxiety and panic disorder, it will appeal to fans of SAINT ANYTHING by Sarah Dessen and FANGIRL by Rainbow Rowell.

 

You seem to have a good book here! But I have to say, the query felt a little slow, and I'm blaming that second paragraph, because I really like the first one, and the third one is where all the stakes are. You might want to shorten the second paragraph and expand a bit on what happens with her friends, and her lies. Also, I actually like that your query is short, and you're trying to be concise. I think you're almost there, you just need to make sure to keep your readers' attention all the way through!


Current Query (YA Science Fiction): http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#9 kotafjones

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Posted 10 February 2019 - 12:46 PM

#4 So I went back to my MS and fixed some things to up the hook and stakes in my story. This query involves the newer material but I'm still not sure where it's at. Thanks for all the help, you guys! You don't know how much I appreciate it!

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Lilith has always been afraid of the water. Even more so after her little sister, Cassie dies in a surfing accident.

 

Trying to keep her busy for the summer, Lilith’s mom pairs her up with the boy who’s been silently harassing her for years. Desperate to escape her mother’s suffocating attention, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop where she meets a group of people that make her feel normal. All she wants to do is start over. That means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. But Lilith isn’t sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who makes her feel truly and completely seen.

 

When Lilith finds a crumpled paper from Cassie, titled Lilith Kai’s No More Fear’s List, her plans for the summer change. She’s going to make her sister proud by conquering her biggest fears. According to Cassie, she has to go to a party, get her panic attacks under control, and maybe even kiss a stranger. What Lilith doesn’t realize, is that Cassie is trying to save her from herself. Lilith hasn’t ever really lived, and there are some days that she might not even want to. One question stands between Lilith and her biggest fear. Will she sink or swim?



#10 IMB

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Posted 10 February 2019 - 03:46 PM

Thanks for the feedback on my query!

 

Again, don't be scared by the red! I write too much!

 

#4 So I went back to my MS and fixed some things to up the hook and stakes in my story. This query involves the newer material but I'm still not sure where it's at. Thanks for all the help, you guys! You don't know how much I appreciate it!

 

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Lilith has always been afraid of the water. Even more so after her little sister, Cassie(,) died in a surfing accident.    (I've read over the whole query and came back to make a comment. This line is to the point, and pertinent to the story, but I don't know if it's how you want to start this. Your previous first paragraph was better. So I thought I'd give you a suggestion: Keep this first phrase - it's better than how you started the other one - but add in the spunk the other had (with some edits, of course). Something like this: "Seventeen-year-old Lilith has always been afraid of the water. Even more so after her little sister, Cassie, died in a surfing accident. Now her life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she now spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe."  This way, it gives so much voice to the query, and portrays that you have a strong voice in the book too.)

 

Trying to keep her busy for the summer, Lilith’s mom pairs her up with the boy who’s been silently harassing her for years.(Ok, so this is already very different than the previous version. But is this boy all that important here? You mentioned him in this sentence, but after a quick scan I can't see him being brought back in the rest of the query.) Desperate to escape her mother’s suffocating attention, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop(,) where she meets a group of people that make her feel normal. (Maybe you should expand a little on the 'group of people', because right now it came off as vague and uninteresting. Are they hooligans? Are they older than her, or her age? Do they work at the shop, or just frequent it? You don't need to pack information in, just give me a little something that stands out about these people that caught Lilith's attention.) All she wants to do is start over. That means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. (This is the first mention of her anxiety in here, but in the previous version I got the impression her anxiety was a big driving force for the story. Right here, it feels like an afterthought. And I'm sorry to see that you removed the whale sentence. I went back to find it, and I still like it very much, especially with it being in the first paragraph; it set a tone for the query which I find is missing here.) But Lilith isn’t sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who makes her feel truly and completely seen. (I still like this bit with Bug, glad to see it's a little higher on the query. But, overall, this paragraph is too packed, and a little dry. You're telling me things, instead of showing me. You should think about splitting this into two; one short one about the struggle with her overbearing mother, and the next one about the shop and the new friends.)

 

When Lilith finds a crumpled paper from Cassie, titled Lilith Kai’s No More Fear’s List, (If you're going to include Lilith's last name here, include it in the first paragraph too.) her plans for the summer change. She’s going to make her sister proud by conquering her biggest fears. (Interesting. Sounds like a tear-jerker, which right here, is a good thing.) According to Cassie, she has to go to a party, get her panic attacks under control, and maybe even kiss a stranger. (You should really think about reintroducing the idea of her anxiety back into that first paragraph, and more into focus on the whole query. That way this sentence - and whole paragraph - will be a lot more impactful.) What Lilith doesn’t realize, is that Cassie is trying to save her from herself. (Is this really necessary? Feels like you're telling me some realization Lilith get's way ahead in the story, and that's not good for a query. You want to hook us, leave us wondering if she'll suceed or fail. Or fail, but still come out on top somehow.) Lilith hasn’t ever really lived, and there are some days that she might not even want to. (A suggestion would be to expand on the conflict with her anxiety, as in, she wants to do her sister's list, but she's paralized by her panic, which she doesn't feel able to overcome. This would also flow better with this final question you got.)  One question stands between Lilith and her biggest fear(:) Will she sink or swim? (Yeah, you could skip to this final question and leave behind the realization bit. This is a lot more punchy and active.)

 

Okay, so, I know that it feels like I just tore your query apart. I'm sorry about that. But I actually have good news: this is a lot stronger already! You're getting the structure right, and I think the bones here are good. There's a lot of phrasing that you have to rearrenge and get flowing nicely, but that's just how it goes when you rewrite. I like that the information about the surf shop is up at the start now, instead of the last paragraph, and I really love what this final paragraph brought in, brings a whole other set of stakes, and it makes it more interesting. One thing I'd consider is maybe removing the bit about the boy who's harrasing her, or, if he's too important to the story, bring him back in the other bits, and tell me why he matters (and if he doesn't matter all that much, it's okay to leave that as a 'surprise' in the Manuscript. We can't always insert all the plot lines in the query when we're trying to keep things short.)

 

Overall, great revision! Needs some polishing, but in reading it, I learned all that I needed to know, and it interests me to read more. Good work, keep going!


Current Query (YA Science Fiction): http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#11 kotafjones

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Posted 10 February 2019 - 10:34 PM

I am a fan of the red! lol It only helps it to be better :) Thank you for the great advice! I revised it a little..

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Lilith Kai has always been afraid of the water. Even more so after her little sister, Cassie, died in a surfing accident. Now her life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe.

Desperate to evade her mother’s overbearing plans for their summer, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop, where she meets an eclectic group of newcomers that make her feel normal.

All Lilith wants is to start over, which means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. But Lilith isn’t so sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who looks at her as if he can see everything going on in her head.

When Lilith finds a crumpled paper from Cassie, titled Lilith Kai’s No More Fear’s List, her plans for the summer change. She’s going to make her sister proud by conquering her biggest fears. According to Cassie, she has to go to a party, get her panic attacks under control, and maybe even kiss a stranger, all before summer ends. But the biggest and baddest thing on the list terrifies Lilith to her core. She has to get in the water.

One question stands between Lilith and her biggest fear: Will she sink or swim?



#12 mwsinclair

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Posted 11 February 2019 - 07:38 AM

Speaking as someone who just entered the discussion on the final entry, I have to say it has promise! I like the title, and I like the query.

More importantly, I like the story you're painting in the query. In just a few sentences, I really have a sense of story, the spark of interest in the main character, and a sense that this is a writer who can accomplish the story's goal.

 

Well done!



#13 IMB

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Posted 11 February 2019 - 03:47 PM

I am a fan of the red! lol It only helps it to be better :) Thank you for the great advice! I revised it a little..

 

 

Seventeen-year-old Lilith Kai has always been afraid of the water. Even more so after her little sister, Cassie, died in a surfing accident. Now her life is forever changing – her mom, whose moods have taken a nose-dive for the worse; her Mondays, which she spends with a spunky therapist; and the whale she can’t escape, a monster that crushes her chest until she can’t breathe. (Yes, this is a lot better. Gives me a really good understanding of who Lilith is.)

Desperate to evade her mother’s overbearing plans for their summer, Lilith gets a job at Shiloh’s Surf Shop, where she meets an eclectic group of newcomers that make her feel normal. (This also reads better! It's good how you kept it concice, but still in a somewhat teenage voice.)

All Lilith wants is to start over, which means hiding the truth of Cassie’s death and her overwhelming anxiety from her new friends. But Lilith isn’t so sure she can hide her problems forever. Especially from Bug, the boy who looks at her as if he can see everything going on in her head. (Thought you should know, I still really like this. And now it goes really well with the teenage voice and the vibe of the whole query. It feels more like a complete piece, and that's great!)

When Lilith finds a crumpled paper from Cassie, titled Lilith Kai’s No More Fear’s List, her plans for the summer change. She’s going to make her sister proud by conquering her biggest fears. (interesting change here. I'm still intrigued.) According to Cassie, she has to go to a party, get her panic attacks under control, and maybe even kiss a stranger, all before summer ends. But the biggest and baddest thing on the list terrifies Lilith to her core. She has to get in the water. (Oh my god, I LOVE this. This was the best freaking phrase you could have added to your query. It adds so much excitment, while smoothly tying back into the first paragraph; Good work!)

One question stands between Lilith and her biggest fear: Will she sink or swim? (Great hook. You might catch some fish with this one *winkwink*)

 

This is 110% better. Your phrases feel a lot tighter, and more active. The query has a distinct vibe and voice that intrigues me about the book, and it's very concise and cohesive. I feel like you knocked it out of the park.

 

If I were you, I'd start testing the waters (Another sea-related pun for you!), and send it out to a few agents as a test. Just make sure those first pages are as tight as the query, and you might get some requests! Good luck!


Current Query (YA Science Fiction): http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#14 kotafjones

kotafjones

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Posted 12 February 2019 - 06:18 PM

Thank you both very much! I'm feeling wayyyy better about this query and your help was invaluable! 







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