Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

A Dark Night at Jeffrey's (YA-suspense)

suspense thriller

  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 Jrax16

Jrax16

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 21 January 2019 - 04:08 PM

Jeffrey Donad looks out the window and ponders his life circumstances as the rain fell with increasing ferocity. The tapping and clicking noises of the rain hitting the aluminum gutters are getting more frequent, as time goes on. Then there is Teddy the dog; people think that dogs are unintelligent creatures, but Jeffrey knows just how clever dogs can be. Teddy is a Jack Russell and Beagle mixture.

“Damn it all to hell,” Jeffrey says out loud to himself and Teddy.

Teddy the dog looks behind himself at Jeffrey thinking, ‘Why aren’t you happy, we’re both alive!’
            An uproar of knocking is heard at the door. Three hard raps on the door and then silence. Teddy begins to bark loudly and urgently. Jeffrey leaps up from the living room soft white sofa to answer the door. After swiping the door blinds off to the side, Jeffrey notices that no one is at the door. Teddy’s barking drops off as he calms back down to a placid state.

            “What kind of witchcraft is this,” Jeffrey asks himself in a surprised tone.

            Teddy begins to wag his tail excitedly, and strolls to behind Jeffrey. He opens the door and takes a peak to the left and right of the door; scanning the entirety of the yard. There isn’t a presence in sight, unless you count Harold the neighbor who is mowing his lawn. Jeffrey is a little daunted.

            “It was probably some damn mischievous group of kids playing ding-dong-ditch,” Jeffrey ponders out loud.

 



#2 giffordmac

giffordmac

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 386 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 22 January 2019 - 01:01 AM

The first thing I notice is that there's more description of Teddy than there is of Jeffrey. I've got no idea at the end of this bit what Jeffrey looks like, what age he is, what clothes he's wearing or anything about him except that he curses and seems to believe in witchcraft. He has "life circumstances" that he's "pondering", but we don't know what they are. It's difficult for me to connect with a character unless I know more about him.

 

There's quite a bit of redundancy as well. For instance, when dialogue is in quotes, we know it's said out loud so you don't need the bits that tell us that. And the "uproar at the door" sentence is essentially re-stated in different words in the next sentence.

 

I also had trouble with the transitions from one paragraph to another. Example: Teddy is described, then the next thing is Jeffrey cursing, which infers that he's cursing at the dog.

 

Teddy has a point of view in this sentence: Teddy the dog looks behind himself at Jeffrey thinking, ‘Why aren’t you happy, we’re both alive!’ And this section seems to give him a human action: Teddy begins to wag his tail excitedly, and strolls to behind Jeffrey. He (Teddy) opens the door ...

 

Finally, I wasn't sure why either Harold or the supposed kids would be out in the rain that "fell with increasing ferocity", especially as Harold is mowing his lawn (and btw, there's a tense change in that phrase about the rain.)

 

I'm sorry I couldn't be more positive, but this reads more like a first draft than a finished work. My suggestion is that you join a writing group or critique circle and get the opinions of several other writers on where your story works and where it doesn't, and how to avoid the pitfalls of repetition and POV. Input from other writers is, I feel, critical to the success of any manuscript.

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 Jrax16

Jrax16

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 22 January 2019 - 02:31 PM

Thank you GiffordMac. It's just a slop first draft, no thorough editing done to it.



#4 Jrax16

Jrax16

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 26 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 22 January 2019 - 04:11 PM

Here's a little revised version. 

 

20-year-old Jeffrey Donad looks out the window and ponders if he’ll be able to earn enough money after college to live on his own. Delivering pizzas to drunken old men who answer the door in robes isn’t cutting it. You need a certain amount of luck to take off with a Bachelor’s Degree in Performing Arts; and Jeffrey needs to use every tool at his disposal to make it big. Jeffrey is a dark and handsome young man, 6’0”, with piercing brown eyes- surely his looks will help bring him fame and fortune. Jeffrey sits on his vanilla suede couch, wearing brown corduroys, and a red and green striped sweater. The rain fell with increasing ferocity. The tapping and clicking noises of the rain hitting the aluminum gutters are getting more frequent, as time goes on.

Then there is Teddy the dog; people think that dogs are unintelligent creatures, but Jeffrey knows just how clever dogs can be. Teddy is a Jack Russell and Beagle mixture.

“Damn it all to hell,” Jeffrey says.

Teddy, his ears drooping, looks at Jeffrey.
            Teddy perks up his head at the sound of three hard raps on the door. There is a moment of uncomfortable silence. Teddy begins to bark loudly and urgently. Jeffrey leaps up from the living room soft white sofa to answer the door. After swiping the door blinds off to the side, Jeffrey notices that no one is at the door. Teddy’s barking drops off as he calms back down to a placid state.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: suspense, thriller

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users