Heya Joseph, I decided to come out of hibernation to help you with yours (Midterms happened and free time stopped happening. I hope my advice can be of some use to you.
Fifteen-year-old Wayden discovers
he shares much in common with (You've told us nothing here, and this isn't particularly grabbing.) the new boy he’s trying hard to hate. He and Rif were both born on Three Moons Night, dwell at the Dracon’s Home for Unadoptable Children, and inexplicably host the consciousness of dead wizards in their minds. This is extreme info-dump. 1. we don't need to know the exact day they were born for the query. 2. We don't need to know the name of the orphanage. 3. This could easily be cut.
Here's how you can shorten (a lot). "Fifteen-year-old Waden wishes the wizard in his head would shut up." I think that's honestly all you need. The way you presented it is bland, but if you throw a bit of voice in there, and make it a representation of the character, then you've got a much more solid start.
How could Wayden be so linked with a boy who is the same race as the winged-wolf riding raider, who fired a fatal arrow into his mother five years ago? He even feels a magical bond with Rif, one he hadn’t felt since his brother, Mavik, had been seized by those Skyraiders on that same fateful day. (You just dropped 6 characters in the same paragraph (rif, mavik, mother, brother, winged-wolf riding raider, skyraider). Honestly, I don't think we need any of this. It's backstory. Cut it and move to the juice.
Pained by the past, Wayden is tempted to shove Rif down a staircase as an act of vengeance. Guided by the wisdom of the wizard residing in his head, Wayden learns that the person he is truly angry at is himself for failing to save his brother and mother, and in order to forgive himself, he must let go of hate and overcome prejudice. This just doesn't grab me either. Maybe you can give a passing nod to the aforementioned rivalry, but telling us "he goes on an emotional journey to overcome his racism" just isn't grabbing for a query.
He befriends Rif, who in turn agrees to help Wayden in his suicidal plan to rescue Wayden’s brother Mavik from the Skymaster’s slave camp (Uhm... why didn't Wayden try this before? Is there some inciting incident that made Waden either A. find out where Mavik was or B. made Wayden think he actually had a chance at rescuing them).. But when Rif is accused of murder (Yup, this totally comes out of left field), Wayden must work to prove his new friend’s innocence. He confronts a mage who dwells in alleys practicing soul stealing (This too. These events seem totally unrelated, to the point where they sound nonsensical), the very art that caused the wizards to be placed in their minds so many years ago.
As they learn what happened on the previous Three Moons Night, the night both he and Rif were born and the wizard’s souls entered their bodies, they become aware an even worse massacre will occur on the rapidly approaching next convergence of the three moons (Again, this completely comes out of left field. A Massacre? Who's doing it? Why are they doing it? Who are they massacring? Just totally random).
Before they can act on their knowledge, Rif and Wayden are attacked by monsters who threaten them along with their fellow orphans (Uhm... why? What kind of monsters?). Wayden and Rif are forced to reveal the magic their wizards possess in order to protect innocent lives and are arrested as a result (Is magic illegal? That would be nice to know. It would be great to shove it into the hook sentence, since it adds a lot more drama to the idea. The hook "In a society where magic is illegal, fifteen-year-old Wayden has a wizard in his head that won't shut up." is a pretty awesome hook.).
But prison turns out to be an opportunity as Wayden befriends another soul host--Alaina, the daughter of the Skymaster Okay, there's just too many characters here. Way too many. . Together he and Alaina must free a captured dragon Uhm... okay in order to break up a ritual where the powers that be plan to sacrifice Mavik and hundreds of other innocents on the convergence of the three moons Again, completely out of left field .
As the soul hosts maneuver to stop the massacre, they face fearsome enemies, outside them, beside them, and within.
Okay, so this is extremely long. Way, way too long to be query, we're moving into the realm of watered-down synopsis. I actually am not entirely sure that this has gotten any better throughout the drafts, I think it's just gotten longer with more detail, which isn't what you're looking for.
Here's the deal with queries. You want to query maybe 10% of the book (generally the first 10%). Set the stage, show us an inciting incident, and then leave us wondering what the hero is going to do with it. Throughout this process, I would say that 3 characters should be your limit. Your hero, your antagonist (or antagonist organization) and maybe 1 more (or 2 if you mention them in passing in such a way that they aren't confusing).
So here's how you go about that: Pretend you've only read the first 5 chapters of your book, and write a query about them. That's it. Then, add in some of the larger stakes at the end like (if he can't learn to work with his rival Rif and the annoying wizard in his head, then (something bad will happen)."
I'd also recommend doing some research on Query Shark. but not at the failed ones. Look at the tab for queries that worked. Look at the flow and patterns. They'll be different than what you've got there.
Hope this is useful. Good luck, all the best. If you want to do mine, it's in my signature, though it's been languishing at the bottom of the forums for a while now.