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Soul Hosts (fantasy) (will return crits, just point me the right direction)

Adventure Fiction Fantasy Young Adult Commercial Fiction Mystery Science Fiction

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#41 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 06 April 2019 - 08:45 AM

If sixteen-year-old Wayden is to have a pontificating wizard mysteriously inhabiting his mind, he could at least be considerate enough to be useful.

But the wizard Wayden hosts, despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, isn’t even able to control any stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword wielding hulk who is chasing Wayden through the streets.

 

The gray-skinned man does not reveal to Wayden why he chases him, but stalks Wayden to the orphanage and promptly takes up a job there. Wayden likes to spy on him, and others, in hopes of gaining information about his peculiar sorcerer hosting situation, but he runs into another spy. Verica. She is the daughter of a Healer who often visits the orphanage to take care of the crazed old woman named Night who lives in the attic and she hosts a wraith in her mind.

 

Verica and Wayden needs information from Mistress Night who likes to throw chamber pots she likes to throw chamber pots at people or invite Wayden out onto the ledge for a bit of star-gazing. But by questioning and spying on Night, the gray-skinned man, criminal masterminds, and important bureaucrats, Wayden and Verica obtain important information about an oncoming massacre, that will sweep up Wayden, Verica, and hundreds of others.

Unfortunately, Wayden, Verica, and the other soul hosts face obstacles and enemies, some of whom are even in their own ranks. Some even in their own minds.



#42 Derrick

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Posted 08 April 2019 - 08:48 AM

I think the query is really shaping up now. I think the hook is as strong as it's going to get at this point.

 

I'd hate to keep harping on it, and I think others might have to weigh in, because maybe it's my hang up, but I still want to know why the gray-skinned man was chasing him.

 

I'm glad that you kinda answered the question as to why he is relevant in your last paragraph, but I still think to myself, why was he chasing him in the first place. Is it because the gray-skinned man senses that he has a mage in his head and he is trying to figure this whole thing out too? If so, I think that's a strong detail to incorporate.

 

If the gray-skinned man is not really super relevant beyond the fact that he's just another piece of the puzzle, I don't know if I would give as much description as you do on him. It just makes me want to know more about him. Which is good, you do want people to want more, but in this case, my thought is, "is there more to him?" And that's not really a question you want asked of your query.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#43 Cengel

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Posted 11 April 2019 - 12:24 PM

Joseph,

 

Thanks for critiquing my query and sorry it took me a bit to get back to you! I critiqued your query below. I hope it helps!

 

If sixteen-year-old Wayden is to  must have a pontificating wizard mysteriously inhabiting his mind, he could at least be considerate enough to be useful. 

But the wizard Wayden hosts, despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, isn’t even able to control any stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword wielding hulk who is chasing Wayden through the streets.

 

The gray-skinned man does not reveal to Wayden why he chases him, but stalks Wayden to the orphanage and promptly takes up a job there. Wayden likes to spy spies on him, and others, in hopes of gaining information about his peculiar sorcerer hosting situation, but he runs into another spy. Verica. She is the daughter of a Healer who often visits the orphanage to take care of the crazed old woman named Night who lives in the attic and she hosts a wraith in her mind. there's a lot of info in this sentence. I would consider separating it somehow. Or considering which details are most important. Does it matter that Verica is the daughter of a healer? Is visits important, or could you just have that she takes care of the woman?

 

Verica and Wayden needs Verica and Wayden together make a plural subject. information from Mistress Night who likes to throw chamber pots she likes to throw chamber pots at people or invite Wayden out onto the ledge for a bit of star-gazing. first, who have the chamber pots part twice. But also I'm confused about the star-gazing? But by questioning and spying on Night, the gray-skinned man, criminal masterminds, and important bureaucrats, Wayden and Verica obtain important information about an oncoming massacre, that will sweep up Wayden, Verica, and hundreds of others.

Unfortunately, Wayden, Verica, and the other soul hosts face obstacles and enemies, some of whom are even you have even in the sentence after in their own ranks. Some even in their own minds.


Please take a look at my query.


#44 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 11 April 2019 - 02:20 PM

If almost sixteen-year-old Wayden must have a wizard inhabiting his mind, he could at least be useful. But the wizard he hosts, despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, isn’t even able to control any stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword wielding hulk who chases Wayden through the streets.

 

The gray-skinned man does not reveal to Wayden the reason he stalks him to the orphanage and proceeds to takes up work there. Wayden spies on him, and others, in hopes of gaining information about his peculiar sorcerer hosting situation, but he runs into another spy. Verica.

 

Verica is the daughter of a Healer who visits the orphanage to care for a crazed old woman, Mistress Night, who lives in the attic. Verica and Wayden need information from Mistress Night who was the witness to an event that happened sixteen years ago when a group of wizards were sacrificed in a failed attempt for the leader of the Red Kingdom to gain their powers.  That leader is making moves to make a second attempt, an attempt, that will put Wayden, Verica, and hundreds of others in danger.

Unfortunately, Wayden, Verica, and the other soul hosts face many obstacles and enemies, some of who are in their own ranks. Some in their very minds.



#45 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 11 April 2019 - 09:55 PM

If almost fifteen-year-old Wayden (Say actual age) must have a wizard inhabiting his mind, the wizard (For clarification. Does he have a name? That may help clarify him from Wayden. Maybeeeeee.) could at least be useful. (Good intro by the way. Nice hook.) But the wizard he hosts, Despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, the wizard can't isn’t even able to control any stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword wielding hulk (I think taking out "gray-skinned" would help because you don't want to have too many adjectives for one noun.) who chases Wayden through the streets. (Why does the hulk chase them?)

 

The hulk (Keep to same descriptions.) gray-skinned man does not show to Wayden why the reason he stalks him (Stalks is different from chases.) to the orphanage and proceeds to takes up work there. (He works at the orphanage?) Wayden spies on him, and others, in hopes of gaining information about his peculiar sorcerer hosting situation (Huh? This sounds like it's talking about the wizard, but I thought we were talking about the hulk.), but he runs into another spy: Verica.

 

Verica is the daughter of a Healer who visits the orphanage to cares for a crazed old woman, Mistress Night, who may know some information about ____(insert wizard or hulk guy.) lives in the attic. (That is an info dump. I'd take some info out.) Verica and Wayden need information from Mistress Night who was the witness to an event that happened sixteen years ago when a group of wizards were sacrificed in a failed attempt for the leader of the Red Kingdom to gain their powers.  That leader is making moves to make a second attempt, an attempt, that will put Wayden, Verica, and hundreds of others in danger. (This is all too much for a query I think cause I can't see how it connects to the wizard or hulk guy. I'd just expand on those two parts or at least show the connection between this part and the next part. Cause there's just so many names and such to keep up with.)

 

Unfortunately, Wayden and Verica, and the other soul hosts face many obstacles and enemies, some of who are in their own ranks. (Explain this a tad more) Some in their very minds.

 

This draft is alright. Honestly, I kind of miss the older drafts that explained the wizards more. I felt like those were stronger. This one just confuses me a bit by the third paragraph cause of all the new information, but it does have good potential like that first paragraph is great. I get the trying-to-switch-the-draft-up though. I've done that myself.



#46 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 12 April 2019 - 02:02 PM

If almost sixteen-year-old Wayden must have a wizard inhabiting his mind, he could at least be useful. But the wizard he hosts, despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, isn’t even able to control stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword-wielding hulk who chases Wayden down the cobble-stoned streets.

 

The gray-skinned man does not reveal the reason he stalks him to his home, the Dracon’s Home for Unadoptable Orphans, and proceeds to takes up work there. He watches Wayden happily and looks about to lick his lips when a new orphan arrives, a small, stuttering Tulkarian boy named Rif.

 

Wayden despises Tulkarians. One, a Skyraider archer, killed his mother, while his winged-wolf riding comrades kidnapped his brother and destroyed his childhood home. Wayden wants to get vengeance by tormenting Rif but the sanctimonious wizard in his head advises against it.

 

It turns out Rif and Wayden have much in common. They both host wizards, both are trying to keep the fact secret, both are orphans, and both share the same birthday. Three Moons Night. The last convergence of the trio of moons happened almost sixteen years prior--the same date upon which the wizards that inhabit their minds were murdered during a magical ritual.

 

Wayden and Rif, on a quest to save Wayden’s brother, become aware of an oncoming atrocity, an attempt to repeat the magical ritual, this time by murdering even more people, themselves included. They ally with other soul hosts: a princess who is searching for her long-lost mother, a girl with a strange scar, a girl who lives in the woods, and the daughter of the Skyraiders’ leader.

 

To stop the oncoming massacre, they have to face many enemies, some of who are in their own ranks. Some in their very minds.



#47 lnloft

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Posted 04 May 2019 - 10:08 PM

If almost sixteen-year-old Why "almost 16"? Why not just say fifteen-year-old? Wayden must have a wizard inhabiting his mind, he could at least be useful. But the wizard he hosts, despite being the Grandmaster of Beast Tongue, isn’t even able to control stray dogs or pigeons to deter the gray-skinned, sword-wielding hulk who chases Wayden down the cobble-stoned streets. This is a bit of a cumbersome phrase. Simplify. Maybe split it into two sentence. Something like: "...isn't even able to control stray dogs or pigeons. Which would be helpful deterring the gray-skinned..."

 

The gray-skinned man does not reveal the reason he stalks him Wayden to his orphanage home, the Dracon’s Home for Unadoptable Orphans, Don't clutter the query with unneeded proper nouns. and proceeds to takes up work there. In your first paragraph you refer to the guy as chasing Wayden, so I'm literally imagining him running down the street, sword raised over his head, as he tries to gut Wayden. And that image is very much at odds with what we have here. He watches Wayden happily This feels a bit like we've jumped out of Wayden's POV and into this other dude's head. It also just feels very odd. Is this guy just smiling as he sits and watches Wayden? and looks about to lick his lips when a new orphan arrives, The meaning of this is unclear. Is he about to lick his lips about Wayden, but stops when Rif appears? Or does the appearance of Rif make him almost lick his lips? Also, what is the implication of him licking his lips? That he wants to eat them? That whatever he wants with Wayden is so close within his grasp? a small, stuttering Tulkarian boy named Rif.

 

Wayden despises Tulkarians. One, a Skyraider archer I see that the word Skyraider does appear another time in your query, but can you find a way to say the same thing without using "Skyraider"? Again, you want to minimize the number of proper nouns in your query. The more you have, the harder it is for the reader to keep track of things., killed his mother, while his winged-wolf riding comrades kidnapped his brother and destroyed his childhood home. Wayden wants to get vengeance by tormenting Rif but the sanctimonious wizard in his head advises against it.

 

It turns out Rif and Wayden have much in common. They both host wizards, both are trying to keep the fact secret, both are orphans, and both share the same birthday. Three Moons Night. The last convergence of the trio of moons happened almost sixteen years prior So this is why you say "almost sixteen", but I think readers will intuit easily enough this is coming up on Waydon's 16th birthday if you just say he's 15.--the same date upon which the wizards that inhabit their minds were murdered during a magical ritual.

 

Wayden and Rif, on a quest to save Wayden’s brother, become aware of an oncoming atrocity, an attempt to repeat the magical ritual, this time by murdering even more people, themselves included. They ally with other soul hosts: a princess who is searching for her long-lost mother, a girl with a strange scar, a girl who lives in the woods, Okay, I approve of the multitude of female characters joining them, but can you offer a different noun for one of these so you don't have a double usage of "a girl"? and the daughter of the Skyraiders’ leader.

 

To stop the oncoming massacre, they have to face many enemies, some of whom are in their own ranks. Some in their very minds. Nice little touch for the end.

Um, what happened to the gray-skinned man? The danger he presented was the focus of the first two paragraphs, and then he completely disappeared. Felt like an abrupt plot change, and that's a problem. The ending is also a little rushed. Wayden and Rif are at the orphanage, finding they have these things in common, and then... suddenly they're on a quest? With all these other people like them? There was no real transition of how they got there.

 

Keep plugging away it. You can get there. Good luck.


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