I owe so much of this to you all. I'd post here OBSESSIVELY. It works. Getting critique after critique after critique forced me to grow as a writer, and eventually took me to the point where I landed a few offers and signed with my agent. I'm so thankful for all your help, and hope this helps some of you:
Dear [Insert Agent Name],
When sixteen-year-old amateur occultist Paul “borrows” an enchanted ankh to conjure a social life, he gets a demon instead. A demon that, unfortunately, plans on using the ankh to conquer San Francisco instead of scoring Paul a hot date to prom. The demon steals the ankh and kidnaps Paul’s crush before disappearing into the Underworld. Oops.
A demon-hunting society arrests Paul for the blunder, revealing that his spells have turned him into an underworlder — a monster with a thing for magic and evil laughs. If that wasn't stressful enough, the society assigns teenage commando Alice to be Paul’s babysitter. She doesn’t exactly appreciate the assignment, or see eye-to-eye with her people’s nonviolent approach to underworlders. The society gives Paul just one month to retrieve the ankh and rescue his crush. If he fails, the society turns his head into a wall hanging.
Paul and Alice’s search for the ankh takes them deep into the Underworld, a world where might makes right and danger strides through the ashen streets. But when Paul gets chummy with the cutthroat underworlders, Alice tests his loyalty via broadsword. Paul must find a way to save both worlds from the demon he released, all while keeping his big head on his shoulders. Fingers crossed.
OCCULT JENGA is a YA urban fantasy novel, complete at 90,000 words. It will appeal to fans of HOLD ME CLOSER NECROMANCER by Lish McBride. I studied at Cornell University, with a focus on economics and bottomless coffee cups. Last month, I won the first-five-pages writing workshop with agent Paula Munier.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
If you'd like to see the first five pages that I used in the query, plus how I formatted them, head to my mailing list at patrickbohanbooks.com/. You'd get my first chapter, an audio play sample FREE, and no spam. You'd also get my gratitude, it means a lot to me.