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RHINDON - Upper middle grade sci-fi

Fiction Childrens Middle Grade Science Fiction

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#1 PeterD

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Posted 01 February 2019 - 03:16 PM

 
Attn. Ms. Agent:
 
When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels almost like he's on another planet. Then another new kid, Rhindon, asks for Eric's help with a strange electronics project.
 
Rhindon is everything Eric isn't. He's fashionable, mysterious, and effortlessly cool -- and actually from another planet. Not knowing this last bit, Eric just hopes to earn some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, Eric unwittingly helps Rhindon launch them in his house/spacecraft far into deep space.
 
Rhindon doesn't seem to want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, with Eric along as thanks for helping him escape Earth. Eric quickly realizes that the other boy is hiding something, though. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or the leader of some kind of cult, and hints at responsibilities that Rhindon himself denies the very existence of.
 
Eric soon discovers the bizarre truth. His shallow, irresponsible new friend is actually 'the' Rhindon, a legendary chosen champion of peace and order in a universe beset by the forces of chaos. He's been missing for years, and his sister Shahala thinks there's something more sinister than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take his duties (or anything else) seriously.
 
Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must crisscross the universe to solve the intertwined mysteries of the Rhindon's strange behavior and his disappearance, and to unlock the secrets of his power -- before it's too late.
 
RHINDON is an upper middle grade sci-fi story of adventure and personal transformation, with series potential. It's complete at 45,500 words.


#2 ScarlettLeigh

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Posted 01 February 2019 - 04:57 PM

Hi Peter D!

When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels almost like he's on another planet. Then another new kid, Rhindon, asks for Eric's help with a strange electronics project. I like this. It isn't the strongest "hook" in the world, but it's full of character and eases me into the story.

Rhindon is everything Eric isn't. He's fashionable, mysterious, and effortlessly cool -- and actually from another planet.  Sweet! Here's your hook! Maybe this could be the last sentence of your first paragraph? Either way, cool! Not knowing this last bit, (Even if this is true, it undermines the power of your hook and introduces confusion to what, so far, has been a really clear pitch) Eric just hopes to earn some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, Eric unwittingly helps Rhindon launch them in his house/spacecraft far into deep space. (Love!)

Rhindon doesn't seem to want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, with Eric along as thanks for helping him escape Earth. Eric quickly realizes that the other boy is hiding something, though. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or the leader of some kind of cult, and hints at responsibilities that Rhindon himself denies the very existence of.

Eric soon discovers the bizarre truth. His shallow, irresponsible new friend is actually 'the' Rhindon, a legendary chosen champion of peace and order in a universe beset by the forces of chaos. He's been missing for years, and his sister Shahala thinks there's something more sinister than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take his duties (or anything else) seriously.

 

These two paragraphs are good, but maybe could be just a bit tighter. I don't think you need quite as much information as your squeezing in. Just a suggestion, maybe something like:

 

At first, Rhindon doesn't seem to want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, but Eric quickly realizes that Rhindon is hiding something. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity. Turns out, his irresponsible new friend is actually 'the' Rhindon—a legendary champion of peace in a universe beset by chaos. He's been missing for years, and his sister Shahala thinks there's more than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take his duties (or anything else) seriously.

 

Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must crisscross the universe to solve the intertwined mysteries of the Rhindon's strange behavior and his disappearance, and to unlock the secrets of his power -- before it's too late.  (Before what's too late? Not really sure what's actually at stake here—Rhindon's life? The universe? Clarify that, and the rest of this is awesome!)

RHINDON is an upper middle grade sci-fi story of adventure and personal transformation, (doesn't add anything) with series potential. It's complete at 45,500 words.

 

WOW! This sounds like a really fun MG romp! I would read this in a heartbeat. I think this query is really good as is. I just have a few suggestions aimed at tighening up the conflict, and make sure your clarify those ending stakes! But I already want to read more, so the query's already done it's job :)

 

If you get the chance to reciprocate, my query is BY VIRTUE FALL. Good luck Peter!



#3 hannahb712

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 10:40 AM

Just added some minor edits! Sounds ground otherwise! 

 

 

 

Attn. Ms. Agent:
 
When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels almost like he's on another planet. (This next sentence comes out of nowhere. You were talking about Eric's parents being split and feeling like he's 'on another planet,' and then all of sudden we're onto a new kid and this science project. Doesn't flow well. Consider saying "However, when another new kid, Rhindon, asks for Eric's help on a strange electronics project, Eric doesn't feel so out of his element anymore." Or something to that effect, that brings it back to your first statment.) Then another new kid, Rhindon, asks for Eric's help with a strange electronics project.
 
Rhindon is everything Eric isn't. He's fashionable, mysterious, and effortlessly cool--and actually from another planet. Not knowing this last bit, Eric just hopes to earn some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, Eric unwittingly helps Rhindon launch them in his house/spacecraft far into deep space. 
 
Rhindon doesn't seem to want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, with Eric along as thanks for helping him escape Earth. Eric quickly realizes that the other boy is hiding something, though. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or the leader of some kind of cult, and hints at responsibilities that Rhindon himself denies the very existence of.
 
Eric soon discovers the bizarre truth. His shallow, irresponsible new friend is actually 'the' Rhindon, a legendary chosen champion of peace and order in a universe beset by the forces of chaos. He's been missing for years, and his sister Shahala thinks there's something more sinister than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take his duties (or anything else) seriously.
 
Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must crisscross the universe to solve the intertwined mysteries of the Rhindon's strange behavior and his disappearance, and to unlock the secrets of his power--before it's too late.
 
RHINDON is an upper middle grade sci-fi story of adventure and personal transformation, with series potential. It's complete at 45,500 words.

 



#4 PeterD

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 07:58 PM

Thanks a lot, ScarlettLeigh and hannahb712! That's all very helpful - tonight I'll have a look at both of your most recent queries, then give mine another shot.



#5 beccamae

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 05:14 PM

Hi, I'll post my feedback down below. I'd love some feedback too: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

Attn. Ms. Agent: Just checking that you'll personalize this line. Be sure to do so.
 
When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels almost like he's on another planet. Why? Give a detail here. Then another new kidnew kid at school? some context would help, Rhindon, asks for Eric's help with a strange electronics project. I would build up the first sentece of this paragraph and move the second one down to the next paragraph. That second sentence doesn't feel like a hook.
 
Rhindon is everything Eric isn't. He's fashionable, mysterious, and effortlessly cool -- and actually from another planet. Not knowing this last bit, Eric just hopes to earn some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, Eric unwittingly helps Rhindon launch them in his house/spacecraft far into deep space. The phrasing here is off. maybe "helps Rhindon launch his house into deep space, Eric still inside."
 
Rhindon doesn't seem to want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, with Eric along as thanks for helping him escape Earth. Eric quickly realizes that the other boy is hiding something, though. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or the leader of some kind of cult, and hints at responsibilities that Rhindon himself denies the very existence of.
 
Eric soon discovers the bizarre truth. His shallow, irresponsible new friend is actually 'the' Rhindon, a legendary chosen champion of peace and order in a universe beset by the forces of chaos. He's been missing for years, and his sister Shahala thinks there's something more sinister than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take his duties (or anything else) seriously. How do they link up with this sister if Rhindon's been missing for years)
 
Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must crisscross the universe to solve the intertwined mysteries of the Rhindon's strange behavior and his disappearance, and to unlock the secrets of his power -- before it's too lateI would cut that because it's not clear what will happen when it's too late and it's colloquial. 
 
RHINDON is an 45k-word, upper middle grade sci-fi story of adventure and personal transformation, with series potential. It's complete at 45,500 words. You don't have to say it's complete. They will assume this.
 
It sounds like a very fun story. I think the query needs to be tightened up though. There are a lot of stray words like 'acutally' and 'though' that pull away from the strength of the sentences as well as parentheses. I also think that make it shorter will help you focus on the main elements of the story. Good luck.


#6 PeterD

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Posted 04 February 2019 - 09:02 PM

Here's a new one - I tried to clarify the stakes and work in at least most of the rest of what you all said.
Thanks again for the help!
 
 
 
When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves from the city to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels like he's on another planet. He's barely gotten his feet on the ground when an even newer kid in town, Rhindon, asks for his help with a strange electronics project. Rhindon is everything Eric isn't: fashionable, mysterious, effortlessly cool, and actually from another planet.
 
Eric hopes to gain some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, he unwittingly helps Rhindon launch his house into deep space, with Eric still on board. Rhindon doesn't want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, but he's obviously hiding something. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or some sort of cult leader.
 
On his home planet, his sister Shahala reveals that Eric's slacker new friend is 'the Rhindon': next in a line of legendary champions of peace and order, chosen to defend the universe from Entropus, the lord of chaos. Rhindon was stuck on Earth for years, and Shahala thinks there's more than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take anything seriously.
 
But Entropus seeks the end of all things, and the universe is in desperate need of a champion. Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must solve the mystery of Rhindon's strange behavior and unlock the secrets of his amazing power.
 
RHINDON is 46K-word upper middle grade sci-fi story with series potential.


#7 IMB

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 01:00 PM

 

Here's a new one - I tried to clarify the stakes and work in at least most of the rest of what you all said.
Thanks again for the help!
 
 
 
When geeky sixth-grader Eric Schwarzchild moves from the city to a tiny farm town after his parents split up, he feels like he's on another planet. He's barely gotten his feet on the ground when an even newer kid in town, Rhindon, asks for his help with a strange electronics project. Rhindon is everything Eric isn't: fashionable, mysterious, effortlessly cool, and actually from another planet. (This has a cool vibe to it, and it kind of made me smile, which is what I look for in middle grade, so good work so far!)
 
Eric hopes to gain some social cred by hanging out with the older boy. Instead, he unwittingly helps Rhindon launch his house into deep space, with Eric still on board. (Oh my god, I love this.) Rhindon doesn't want anything more than a pleasure cruise through the universe, but he's obviously hiding something. Everyone they meet treats Rhindon like a celebrity or some sort of cult leader.
 
On his home planet, his sister Shahala reveals that Eric's slacker new friend is 'the Rhindon': next in a line of legendary champions of peace and order, chosen to defend the universe from Entropus, the lord of chaos. (Rhindon's title reads a bit too long, and it sort of cut into the snappy fun tone you had set up here. I'm not sure if you'd be able to change it without loosing its impact, but I thought it was worth mentioning.) Rhindon was stuck on Earth for years, and Shahala thinks there's more than teenage rebellion behind his inability to take anything seriously. (You started the query really great, but this paragraph felt a little weak. I like the last bit about the teenage rebellion, but it feels like you lost your voice a little.)
 
But Entropus seeks the end of all things, and the universe is in desperate need of a champion. (Are there adults trying to convince Rhindon to do his work as a champion? I'm sure there are, but maybe you should spand on the desperation of the universe, or the core evilness of Entropus a little more, just so we can get our bearings, and the 'end of all things' stakes doesn't sound so vague.) Together, Eric and Shahala (with an unwilling Rhindon in tow) must solve the mystery of Rhindon's strange behavior and unlock the secrets of his amazing power.
 
RHINDON is 46K-word upper middle grade sci-fi story with series potential.

 

 

The story sounds super fun! But even though there are stakes there, they're a bit weak-sounding. Your bottom two paragraphs are the weakest (which is not a terrible thing, because a strong beginning is the most important overall), but I don't think you're too far from a good version. Tweeks here and there, and you might be ready!


Current Query (YA Science Fiction): http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

Any feedback is appreciated :)






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