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The Inevitable End of Isabella Cortez (Will Return Critics!)


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#1 hannahb712

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Posted 02 February 2019 - 11:20 AM

New Revision Below!

 

Okay, sorry I kept trying to edit my last topic to say in the title that I would do a critic for a critic, but I realize that I can't change. So, I started a new one! Just ignore my first one! Anyway, here is my query, would love some advice! Thank you!

 

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For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure, she’s been scared into hiding—trying to preserve a life she isn’t living. And since that fateful day, when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough. Until, her plans are derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, Isabella vowed after her mother passed away, to never love another person again. Add on top the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. But when Claire begins to pursue and Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run back to her childhood home.

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella and get her to realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again.   

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts, which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, but she will remain twenty-eight forever.   



#2 IMB

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 01:29 PM

Thanks for the feedback on mine.

 

I tend to write a lot, so don't be scared about all the red, okay?

 

Okay, sorry I kept trying to edit my last topic to say in the title that I would do a critic for a critic, but I realize that I can't change. So, I started a new one! Just ignore my first one! Anyway, here is my query, would love some advice! Thank you!

 

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For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure, she’s been scared into hiding—trying to preserve a life she isn’t living. (This is a good start. Interesting, and it gives me a feel for the character.) And since that fateful day, when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough.(This phrase confused me. I had to read it twice to get what you meant. It reads as if it's longer than it actually is, which is not a good thing... You could maybe even eliminate it all together, and the paragraph would be more impactful - and if you really want to put her age in, you can add it somewhere in the second phrase.) Until, her plans are derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, Isabella vowed after her mother passed away, to never love another person again. Add on top the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. But when Claire begins to pursue and Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run back to her childhood home. (I think you might want to break this final phrase into two, or rephrase it to improve the flow. I understood what you meant, but it dragged out a bit.)

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella and get her to realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. (This paragraph made me feel like you just told me the end of the story.) 

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts, which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. (Again, I feel like you're telling me the end. You should be asking questions, not giving answers. Will she be able to be human again? Can she conquer her fears and truly love someone again? You're supposed to leave us wanting more, but you're kinda indirectly telling everything.) Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, but she will remain twenty-eight forever. 

 

So, overall, the stakes are clear, but you might need some re-structuring of your query. You're telling too much, when you should leave some questions to be answered in the book itself. I get that this is a self-discovery book, and those can be really hard to translate into a query, but you've got the right ideas here; just needs a little more TLC.


Current Query (YA Science Fiction): http://agentquerycon...cience-fiction/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#3 PeterD

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 03:06 PM

Hey there hannahb! Thanks for the comments on my query, much appreciated.

 

Okay, sorry I kept trying to edit my last topic to say in the title that I would do a critic for a critic, but I realize that I can't change. So, I started a new one! Just ignore my first one! Anyway, here is my query, would love some advice! Thank you!

 

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For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, no comma it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure, she’s been scared into hiding—trying to preserve a life she isn’t living. And since that fateful day, no comma when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough. Until, no comma her plans are derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, I think this "See" is too conversational, leave it out. Isabella vowed after her mother passed away, to never love another person again. I think this sentence would work better turned inside out, like "After her mother passed away, Isabella vowed..." Add on top the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. But when Claire begins to pursue and Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run back to her childhood home. I agree with the above comment to split this up. Something like "But then Claire begins... feelings. Her fears convince her to run..."

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella I'd flip this 'Isabella' and the 'her' at the beginning of the sentence, and end it there - "manages to befriend her." - Then start the next with something like "The friendship, after so many years alone, makes her realize..." and get her to realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. I don't think I agree that this gives away too much.

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts, which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. At the end of the last graph, you make it seem like she knows there's a chance she can change it. But she doesn't? Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, but she will remain twenty-eight forever. I feel this would be stronger/clearer if you don't lead with 'Although," like "Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only..."

 

I love your overall premise -- so much speculative fiction is rooted in action/adventure, and I like this emotional, psychological approach. What would immortality actually do to a person? Overall this is quite good, intriguing, and makes me want to know what happens.

 

Aside from the overabundance of commas (try reading it aloud for a better sense of where your pauses should be), my main issue is the lack of clarity on whether she actually has control over whether she remains immortal, and, if so, whether she KNOWS that. I think you're going for something where the immortality is essentially metaphor for how she's walled herself away from real life, and it will end if she lets it back in, but this isn't clear, I'm just guessing, and I don't think it should be made clear if it's not clear to the caracter. I don't  have enough info to advise you on how this should really end, but If she doesn't know this until the very end, the closing ("she will remain 28 forever") does give away too much.

 

I'm sorry that this ends up looking like so much work - please don't be discouraged! I think you've got something really interesting here, and the setup is good. Your basic task is to figure out where to stop telling - tougher for a character-based work than a plot-based one. Keep at it, you'll get it!



#4 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 03:46 PM

This is a freebie. No need to critique mine.  :smile: 

 

 

For the past eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure (Be more specific—how is her life being impacted?), she’s been scared into hiding (What is she afraid of?)—trying to preserve a life she isn’t living.

The opening line is strong. The dilemma, however, reads a bit vague. I don’t understand how being immortal negatively impacts her life. Why can’t she go on adventures? Why has she spent eighty years in hiding? And what is she hiding from? Maybe I’ll find out later in the query, but right now I’m confused.

 

And Since that fateful day, when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough. Until, her plans are were (You’re jumping back in time here, so you’ll want to keep the tense consistent.) derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, After her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. Add on top the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. But when After Claire begins to pursue (What does this mean? Is she stalking her or just trying to start up a relationship?), and Isabella grasps fears that maybe she too, has also harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run and runs back to her childhood home.

Okay, so it was her mother’s death that made her afraid of the world. I would rework the last line (inciting incident) so it reads more coherently.

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed, when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella and gets her to helps her realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again.

I like that your MC’s voice comes through well here, but you can condense and eliminate redundancies. For example, you don’t need to say she wants to be “mortal again” and wants to “grow old,” as that’s essentially saying the same thing.

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts (Be specific. What does she set out to do?), which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her (Based on the query, the only one she’s shown feelings for is Claire.), but she will remain twenty-eight forever.

I don't quite follow what's happening here. Is it a psychological thing that's keeping her immortal? How does overcoming doubt and fear allow her to become mortal again?


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#5 beccamae

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 04:30 PM

Hi, I'll post my critique below. I'd appreciate it if you took a look at mine: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

 

 

 

For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure, she’s been scared into hiding why is this? —trying to preserve a life she isn’t living. And since that fateful day, when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough. Until, her plans are derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, Isabella vowed after her mother passed away, to never love another person again. Add on top of the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. I think these two reasons are necessary. Is she afraid of loss? But when Claire begins to pursue and Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run back to her childhood home.

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella and get her to realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. I feel like this paragraph pushes the pitch forward too much. This seems to be something that happens later in the plot. I'd focus on the beginning and offer a few more details there in stead. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again.   

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts, which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, but she will remain twenty-eight forever.  I'd suggest cutting this paragraph and leave us on a cliffhanger. The details in this paragraph and above hint too much at a happy ending, or that Isabella is going to figure things out. 

 

Everything is clear. It's a nice summary, but it could be stronger regarding the emotional hook and the sense of character. I know how the three interact and that Isabella has misgivings about interacting with people, but what else? Why does Claire love Isabella? What makes her eccentric? Good luck on your next draft. 

For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her, it’s anything but. Instead of pursuing adventure, she’s been scared into hiding—trying to preserve a life she isn’t living. And since that fateful day, when she was twenty-eight and jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, her goals of avoiding life and people seemed to be good enough. Until, her plans are derailed by her eccentric neighbor, Claire.

 

See, Isabella vowed after her mother passed away, to never love another person again. Add on top the fact that she’s immortal, and she has two perfect reasons on why she can’t emotionally let anyone in. But when Claire begins to pursue and Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings, she’s convinced by her fears to run back to her childhood home.

 

However, her expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend Isabella and get her to realize that all along, she’s been her own worst enemy. That by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again.   

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts, which unknowingly, simultaneously brings her closer to being human. Although, should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, but she will remain twenty-eight forever. 



#6 hannahb712

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 10:03 PM

OH MAN - THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AWESOME FEEDBACK! Wow, this was all so great! I really tried to incorporate everyone's comments into this new version! I hope you all like this one better! 

 

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For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but. She’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. And ever since twenty-eight, when she jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, avoiding adventure and people have been her only goals. Until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink haired neighbor, Claire.

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. Although, when Claire admits her intentions, Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past. Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, Isabella runs away to her childhood home.   

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. Emit and his kindness help her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. 

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts. And along the way, hopes to uncover the secret to curing her immortality. Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again.     



#7 perpetual

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Posted 04 February 2019 - 03:25 PM

OH MAN - THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AWESOME FEEDBACK! Wow, this was all so great! I really tried to incorporate everyone's comments into this new version! I hope you all like this one better! 

 

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For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but. She’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. And ever since twenty-eight, when she jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, avoiding adventure and people have been her only goals. Until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink haired neighbor, Claire. I like this set up, though I do feel some thoughts could be combined to make it more concise. :)

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. Connect over what? Although, when Claire admits her intentions, Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past. Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, Isabella runs away to her childhood home.   

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. Emit and his kindness help her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. 

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts. And along the way, hopes to uncover the secret to curing her immortality. Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again.  Good stakes! I like it :)   

 

I think you have all the right components in this version: the set-up, the mini synopsis, and the stakes. However, I feel like maybe in your efforts to 'get it right', you've lost your voice because the query reads a bit dry and it teeters largely on the side of telling vs. showing us Isabella's conflict, etc. i.e. You could show up the effect the relationship with Clare has on her because it stirs up desires Isabella thought she'd buried as a necessary means of survival. She starts daydreaming about.... 

You know your story best, but overall, I do feel I'd like to SEE the story unfold in the query vs being told what's developing. :)

 

Hope this helps! 

P.S. It's good practice to post a new revision in your original post OR link your new revision in the original post. That way everyone knows you have a new version before they start critting :)

 


Would love your feedback on my query: Click here.

 


#8 ScarlettLeigh

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Posted 04 February 2019 - 04:37 PM

Thank you so much for your thoughts on my query Hannah! Happy to take a look at yours :)

 

Since she was twenty-eight, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but. She’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. Eighty years ago, she jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond. Since then, avoiding adventure and people have been her only goals. Until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink haired neighbor, Claire. (I think this is a really clear and interesting first paragraph! I suggested switching the order of a few details around because it feels more clear to me to get what Isabella looks like first—an image I can latch onto—then save the fact she's been immortal for eighty years when you describe the backstory)

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. Nice! Although, when Claire admits her intentions, What intentions? Could you be specific here? Maybe "But when Claire admits she's developing feelings for Isabella..." Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past. Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, Isabella runs away to her childhood home. These last two sentences read a bit choppy to me. I'd see if you could play around with the wording a bit just to smooth them out. Maybe something like "But being immortal makes it nearly impossible to talk about the past—especially how her mother's death still haunts her. Instead of facing those fears with Claire, Isabella runs away to her childhood home."

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when (I didn't know she had expectations other than to run away from her problems, so this threw me) There she befriends a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. Emit and his whose kindness helps her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone. when All she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again(I like what this paragraph is accomplishing. Just a few suggested tweaks to tighten it up)

 

With this understanding, Isabella sets off to uncover the secret to curing her immortality, and hopefully demolish her doubts along the way. (Suggested switching these two around because curing her immortality is the concrete goal that's pulling her through the story. It's the one readers can see and measure. Demolishing her doubts is the personal story that's tied to that concrete plot) Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, (Not really sure what this means?) though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again. (I think this last sentence is close, but it feels a little too "on the nose". If you can show what she stands to lose without specifically spelling it out, the stakes will feel much more organic).

 

I took a peek at some of your earlier queries and this is much, much closer! Just a few places I think you can tidy up and clarify. Sounds like an interesting story! I wonder what genre you categorize this as? It sounds a bit like women's fiction with a magical realism bent. Best of luck!



#9 kathleenq

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Posted 06 February 2019 - 05:48 PM

Thanks for your critique on mine!

OH MAN - THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AWESOME FEEDBACK! Wow, this was all so great! I really tried to incorporate everyone's comments into this new version! I hope you all like this one better! 

 

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At twenty-eight, For eighty years, Isabella Cortez jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond and became has been immortal. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but. For the past eighty years, she’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. And ever since twenty-eight, when she , avoiding adventure and people have been being her only goals. Until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink haired neighbor, Claire.

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. Although, when Claire admits her intentions (intentions for what? originally I read this as an evil thing, but it's clearly not, so clarify?), Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past. Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, Isabella runs away to her childhood home.   

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed (returning where? to her neighborhood with Claire?) are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. Emit and his kindness help her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. 

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts. And along the way, hopes to uncover the secret to curing her immortality. Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again.    

I think this is interesting! I do wonder what makes Emit curious though and how he ends up helping her. It seems kind of just thrown in there and all the details are left out. Hope this helps!


Query: Glass Domes


#10 smithgirl

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 01:42 PM

 

For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal, since she jumped into what turned out to be a magic pond at twenty-eight. While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but. She’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. Scared how? And she's immortal, so why does she have to worry about her life? Also, I'm not sure why she's not living her life. And ever since twenty-eight, when she jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, avoiding adventure and people have been her only goals. Isabella just wants to avoid people and adventures until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink-haired neighbor, Claire.

 

This paragraph is confusing. Why is Isabella scared? Why is she not living her life? It's also not much of a hook because all we've learned is that Isabella is in hiding (for some unknown reason), but something is going to change because she has a new neighbor. This hook doesn't really introduce any conflict or pull us into the story.

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. Nice sentence. Although, when Claire admits her intentions, What intentions?  Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. Feelings about what? About her immortality? But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past. Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, Isabella runs away to her childhood home.

 

By the end of the paragraph, I understood that Claire has romantic intentions toward Isabella, but this situation was very unclear. You need to be very upfront that Claire wants something romantic.

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. How does he befriend her? Emit and his kindness help her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. By starting a new sentence here, actually a sentence fragment, it makes it seem like you're starting a new idea. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again. 

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts. How does she does this? And along the way, hopes to uncover the secret to curing her immortality. Be specific. Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again.  This last paragraph is much too vague. So many books are about exactly these same things. You need to show us how specifically what Isabella does, her specific story.

 

Hi Hannah. So I feel like your actual story is buried in some vague wording and generalities. You need to be clear that Claire wants a romantic relationship with Isabella. Then, when Isabella runs away, the remaining story becomes very vague: she meets a nice man who helps her see she's pushing love away, she learns she might be able to become human again -- but how? You need to make your query very specific and avoid any statements are imprecise. Try to go back and tell Isabella's story specifically -- what, exactly, is she doing? Query writing is ridiculously difficult, so please don't be discouraged.

 

I hope this helps. Can you please look at my query, too? Thanks! 



#11 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 04:38 PM

OH MAN - THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR YOUR AWESOME FEEDBACK! Wow, this was all so great! I really tried to incorporate everyone's comments into this new version! I hope you all like this one better! 

 

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Hi! For returning crits, mine is called Soul Hosts.

 

For eighty years, Isabella Cortez has been immortal. since being immortal implies forever, perhaps, it was eight years ago, that I C became immortal.  While others might perceive this as an incredible gift, for her it’s anything but.  good She’s been scared into hiding to preserve a life she isn’t living. vague And ever since twenty-eight, when she jumped into what turned out to be a magical pond, sounds a bit lame to me to be honest, can you reword this? Perhaps you don't even need to mention the magical pond? if it is cool maybe reword so we see how its cool  avoiding adventure and people have been her only goals. Until her plans are derailed by her eccentric, pink haired neighbor, Claire. good

 

Claire is chaos while Isabella is control, but somehow the two connect. good  Although, when Claire admits her intentions, Isabella grasps that maybe she too, has harbored feelings. vague. Romantic? But her secret of immortality makes it near impossible to talk about her past.  or plan their future Not to mention that after her mother passed away, Isabella vowed to never love another person again. this last one seems a bit lame to me, not much of an obstacl. if this vow is unbreakable explain how or why  So, allowing her fears to convince her otherwise, control her (suggestion as does not make sense as written)  Isabella runs away to her childhood home.   

 

However, Isabella’s expectations of returning unnoticed are destroyed when a curious stranger, Emit, manages to befriend her. Emit and his kindness help her realize that by pushing people away, she’s secured a future of being alone when all she really wants is to love again. To be mortal again. To have a chance at growing old, to have a family, to have a life, again.  this paragraph is great

 

With this understanding, Isabella begins her pursuit of demolishing her doubts. And along the way, hopes to uncover the secret to curing her immortality. Should she fail to overcome each fear that threatens her future, though, not only will she tarnish her relationships with the ones that wish to truly know her, such as Emit and Claire, but she may never get to be human again.     Good!






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