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Wake Up - YA Science Fiction (will critique back!)

Science Fiction Young Adult Fiction

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#1 IMB

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 05:39 AM

New version down on post #9.

 

 

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'll try to critique back too, just point me in the right direction!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
17 year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave.
 
After a haste escape, he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy; and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan, is the one person who knows where to go.
 
Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes.
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#2 hannahb712

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 10:07 AM

Hope you like the suggestions!!! If you have a chance, it would be great if you could check out my query too? http://agentquerycon...eturn-critics/  :) 

 

 

 

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'll try to critique back too, so make sure your query is available for me to find!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
17 (always write out numbers!) Seventeen-year-old patientcomma Siancomma wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep(What is cryo? Maybe just say deep sleep to prevent confusion to the readers) to find himself 70   seventy years in the future, and cancer free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave.
 
After a haste escape, he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy;comma and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan(you already mention he's a runaway boy so don't need to reiterate this), is the one person who knows where to go. Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae, however, has a plan to evade the Corp’s graspperiod - t The first stepcomma is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodiescomma and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down. But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes. With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth risking his the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

 



#3 Nessa

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 01:25 PM

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated! [Welcome back!]

 

 

I'll try to critique back too, so make sure your query is available for me to find!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
17 year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. [1) 70 years from when? What's our point of reference? 2) Because cancer is mentioned at the beginning, I'm assuming this will play a major part in the query, which doesn't seem to be the point after a quick scan.] Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave.
 
After a haste escape[That's a very short gap from being sold to escaping, and we still haven't been introduced to the setting.], he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life[Is this the "norm" of the future, or is this the poorer part of society?]. Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy; and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan, is the one person who knows where to go.[Too vague. This is the only time "Orphan" is brought up, and I don't know what that is when it's preceeded by "self-proclaimed." Are Orphans an outdated concept in the future? Is that the name of a band of runaways?]
 
Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. [Tae was also woken from cryo-sleep? Oh, was cryo-sleep meant to heal cancer? The first sentence can be reworked to make it clear.] The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep[So while Sian and Tae were asleep in cryo, being healed for cancer, the Corp took over their hospital, or wherever they were being treated.]. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.[Why are they valueless? Can they purchase their freedom?]
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics["forceful tactics" sounds awkward], and the wild lands have many unknown foes.["wild lands" and "unknown foes" are vague]
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

 

[Strong foundation! Just needs fleshing out.]



#4 beccamae

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Posted 03 February 2019 - 04:41 PM

Hi, I'll post my critique below. I'd appreciate it if you took a look at mine, we have some similar themes!: http://agentquerycon...eturn-critique/

 

 

17 year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future,cut comma. Also, is this 70 years from today? Then maybe say at the end of the 21st C, or else give us a hint about your world building, like he wakes stunned to learn there's a colony on the moon, or that aliens exist, etc and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. I would cut "only one problem," it's too colloquial. I would also assume there's other problems. Did he leave family in the past?
 
After a hastey escape, build this up more. This moves too fast. Who was trying to sell him? Is there a reoccurring villian?he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life.This is a nice visual Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy;cut semicolon and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan, is the one person who knows where to go.
 
Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. It makes sense to give the details of the Corp here, but still build it up in the earlier paragraphs to give a sense of what Sian faces upon wakingFreedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down. Them being the Tae and the man?
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes.
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him. ​I get that your character is torn between the two options, but it's a bit of a surprise that Sian would consider going back to them after escaping, there was no foreshadowing of his inner conflict. 
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential. Rephrase to "character-driven YA science fiction 85,000 word novel with series potential. They'll know it's near fiction because you hint that in paragraph 1, you don't have to say completed, because they'll assume that, and simply to series potential because they'll know that it could be either.
 
I think it's nice over all, but the paragraphs are too short. I would condense to three paragraphs. It's okay if you cut some details and build more in the beginning. It felt a little jumpy between plot points and I think building up the beginning will help us get a sense of the worldbuilding you did. Good luck to you.


#5 Caligulas

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 01:05 PM

 

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'll try to critique back too, just point me in the right direction!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
17 year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. (I think this is an amazing start. Very hooking)
 
After a haste hasty? escape, he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy (Maybe name the boy here to introduce him without tripping up the reader. Want it to be as smooth as possible); and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan, (Is there a reason this is capitalized? Is this a title that means something other than the normal meaning of the word? If so, explain it) is the one person who knows where to go. (Knows where to go for what? What's the goal here after getting away from being sold? This paragraph needs more of a connection to the opening. I was looking for more detail about the being sold as a slave part. Also is the other boy in the same position?)
 
Taking pity in Sian (Little bit of head hopping here. Is the story from both perspectives? If so, queries usually work best from one perspective. If not, reword this or just take it out. As well if you're going to do dual perspectives the split needs to be even and obvious), Tae explains what’s become of their world. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve. (Good info, but I think it can be condensed into one paragraph with the one above. The opening is very direct and punchy, things are loosening up here. Keep it tight)
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes. (Vague, I'd rather have more of a peek of what kind of threat we're looking at)
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him. (These stakes read false. One doesn't merely settle into being a slave is if it were some lousy office worker job. If given a clear opportunity, I can't imagine anyone deciding to just say, eh, too risky, rather be enslaved my entire life. If we're going with an internal struggle here, both sides have to have very clear pros and cons. In this situation, either way he's got something bad to look forward to, only leaving gives a hope of better. If he had surviving family living in slavery he felt obligated to help for one reason or another...then we're talking stakes. You need pulling in both directions for THESE types of stakes to work. I think you're better off using different stakes not the this or that format)
 
Hope this helps, sorry this took so long. Been busy at work without enough time to respond properly! Thanks a lot for your input on mine. :)
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

 



#6 perpetual

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Posted 05 February 2019 - 08:30 PM

Returning crit. Thank you for your awesome feedback on my query!

 

 

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'll try to critique back too, just point me in the right direction!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
17 Seventeen-year-old (always write out ages) patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. I think this is a great hook! It's the perfect blend of setting, plot, and character in a punchy, concise paragraph. Well done!
 
After a haste escape, he finds himself lost Feeling like this wording is a bit weak and loses the tension you've built so far in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. I'm not crazy about this description. Feels too familiar. Would rather like to know what's unique about your world. Picking paths at random, Hmmm... Is he running away from anything? Does anyone know he's gone? Does he have food/water/etc? I feel like there's way more to your story, but in the query it's coming across to me like your MC is just wandering around aimlessly for several chapters. he comes across another runaway boy; and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan, is the one person who knows where to go. How does he know he can trust him?
 
Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. This sentence reads like a POV switch. Not sure if that's your intention. If your novel isn't dual POV, I'd rework this. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve. What about the girls?
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes. These are the kinds of things I'd like to see in the query before he meets Tae. Then, you don't need it here because we already have a sense of the danger.
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him. Unfortunately, I'm a bit unclear on both. I don't have a good sense to Tae and what makes him trustworthy or qualified enough to take down the Corp or even what their plan is after they remove the tracking chips. And if the tracking chips are imbedded in Sian and Tae, how come they haven't been found yet? I'm also unclear on what a future with the Corp actually involves beyond slavery. Slavery in what sense and to whom?
 
WAKE UP I'm also not too crazy on the title, but this is the kinda thing that would get worked through with your agent anyway ;) is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential. Any comps? :)
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

 


Would love your feedback on my query: Click here.

 


#7 NerdWitch

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Posted 06 February 2019 - 11:00 AM

 

I'm back with another query while my first project is out on the trenches. Any feedback is appreciated!

 

I'll try to critique back too, just point me in the right direction!

 

 
 
Dear (Agent Name),
 
When 17 year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. I'm already intrigued but maybe some more information on who is about to sell him as a slave and why? .
 
After a haste escape, he finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Picking paths at random, he comes across another runaway boy ; and to his luck, Tae, self-proclaimed Orphan (Orphan as in a child with no parent or does Orphan have another meaning in this?) is the one person who knows where to go.
 
Taking pity in Sian, Tae explains what’s become of their world. The people that are chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid, which took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.This paragraph feels a bit clunky and long, try to figure out a way of making the sentences a bit shorter or perhaps rewording them slightly?
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp -  and the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and He’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow them down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with Corp sentinels trained in forceful tactics, and the wild lands have many unknown foes (such as?)
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest is worth the risk of his death, or if he’ll be better off settling with the dark future the Corp has designed for him.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
 
 
Thanks in advance!

 

This sounds very interesting but I think some of the sentences could do with some rewording and re-arranging. The stakes are a bit vague but the world seems really cool and I'd be intrigued to read more. Keep going with the query it's hard work but you'll get there :) 


Here's my latest query :) http://agentquerycon...turn-critique/ 

 

 


#8 IMB

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Posted 06 February 2019 - 03:20 PM

Everyone, thank you so much for the feedback! I've been working on a revision, and I'll be posting it soon!


Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#9 IMB

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Posted 07 February 2019 - 08:26 AM

So, here's the revised version! I focused mostly on minor tweaks and expanding on those vague or confusing bits! I also changed the final paragraph so it's more consistent with the actual book.

 

Again, thanks to everyone who's helping me with this! If you have a query for me to critique, or a new revision out that you want me to see, just point me in the right direction!

 

 

 

Dear (Agent Name),
 
Seventeen-year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave.
 
He escapes the facility where he’s being held, but there are guards chasing him; he can’t stop running. He finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Disoriented and hopeless, Sian runs into Tae, a runaway orphan who knows where to hide.
 
Through Tae, Sian learns what’s become of their world. The people chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid that took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow him down.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with violent Corp sentinels, and the wild lands carry many other dangers, from wild animals to ruthless communities. 
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest for freedom is worth the risk of his death, of if he’ll be better off hiding with other society outcasts, running from every loud noise, forever afraid to be captured.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.

Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#10 perpetual

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Posted 07 February 2019 - 03:43 PM

I think this is a great revision! It's clean and the stakes are a lot clearer in this one!
 

I'm wondering about your timeline... How much time has passed since Sian escapes to when Tae asks, Are you with me or not? I'm wondering if you include this, it'll give the query a bit more urgency, which I felt was lacking. I feel the descriptive paragraph to explain your world really slows things down.

I'm wondering if things could be reworked so that we get the world and dangers "in the present" as Sian and Tae are trying to find the man who can remove their chips. Because it seems like even if Sian won't join Tae in his quest, he still needs to remove his chip if he's going to live in hiding.

Also, i'd remove the mention of the society outcasts in the stakes, as it made me wonder who these people are. Focus on what living a life on the run means to Sian, esp. considering he's been on the run already for [insert timeline.]

Hope this helps! :)


Would love your feedback on my query: Click here.

 


#11 kotafjones

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Posted 10 February 2019 - 12:54 PM

Seventeen-year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future, and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. Boom. Great pacing here and the stakes are clear.  I give you props for this first paragraph.
 
He escapes the facility where he’s being held, but there are guards chasing him maybe something like (but he finds that his captors won't ever let him go); he can’t stop running. He finds himself lost in an old metropolis, a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Disoriented and hopeless, Sian runs into Tae, a runaway orphan who knows where to hide.
 
Through Tae, Sian learns what’s become of their world. The people chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid that took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp - the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies - and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow him down. I like this. I see a budding friendship/relationship forming here.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with violent Corp sentinels, and the wild lands carry many other dangers, from wild animals to ruthless communities. 
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest for freedom is worth the risk of his death, of or if he’ll be better off hiding with other society outcasts, running from every loud noise, forever afraid to be captured.
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words, a stand-alone with series potential.
 
(PERSONALIZATION)
 
Per your request, I’ve pasted (requested material) below.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
IMB.
 
I think you did a great job here. The letter is very professional and I got a really good understanding of the novel and the world building. Good job :)


#12 smithgirl

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Posted 15 February 2019 - 02:27 PM


 

Dear (Agent Name),
 
Seventeen-year-old patient Sian wakes up from a deep cryo-sleep to find himself 70 years in the future no comma and cancer-free. Only one problem: he’s about to be sold as a slave. Oh, good hook!
 
He escapes the facility where he’s being held and , but there are guards chasing him; he can’t stop running. enters  He finds himself lost in avoid passive voice an old metropolis: a landscape of abandoned buildings and overgrown vegetation, forsaken of any human life. Disoriented and hopeless, Sian runs into Tae, a runaway orphan who knows where to hide.
 
Through Tae, Sian learns what’s become of his their  world. It's not become of Tae's world; his world has always been this way. The people who chase chasing them are part of the Corp, a giant corporation/government hybrid that took over and reformed the land during Sian’s sleep. Freedom is now expensive, and valueless boys like Tae and Sian are meant to serve.
 
Tae has a plan to evade the Corp’s grasp -- (em dash) the first step is to find the man who’ll remove the tracking chips implanted in their bodies -- and he’ll allow Sian to follow, as long as he doesn’t slow him down. Unfortunately, removal of tracking chips is an offense punishable by death.
 
I would add something here about the danger of removing your chip. Then just jump to Sian's decision for the stakes.
 
But Sian wonders if they’ll ever get that far, when the streets are packed with violent Corp sentinels, and the wild lands carry many other dangers, from wild animals to ruthless communities. Avoid lists. Also, I think we can assume he faces dangers in the metropolis.
 
Sian must decide if he will risk death for a chance at real freedom, or live a long life of fear and possible enslavement. 
 
 
With his survival at stake, Sian must decide if Tae’s quest for freedom is worth the risk of his death, of if he’ll be better off hiding with other society outcasts, running from every loud noise, forever afraid to be captured. 
 
WAKE UP is a character-driven YA near-future Sci-Fi novel completed at 85,000 words. It is stand-alone with series potential.
 
 
Hi IMB. I made a few recommendations that I think make your query tighter. However, it was super short even beforehand. Especially since you indicate this is a character-driven novel, I would try to expand on your story (I think that part is quite clear) with some text that helps us get to know Sian as a person, and maybe the nature of his relationship with Tae. I assume the two becomesclose, but here they feel like two people who barely get to know each other. I don't feel any real connection to either of them. I think you can add some emotion to this query so we feel more invested in Sian's journey. Good job, though, so far. I think the actual story is clear and that's most of the battle. Can you please review my query when you get a chance? Thanks! 

 



#13 IMB

IMB

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Posted 22 February 2019 - 02:33 PM

Everyone, thank you so much again!

 

I've been extremely lucky to receive some feedback from an editor too, and I'm currently revising. I'll post a new version sometime soon!


Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)






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