Hi, here's draft 2. Feedback is much appreciated.
Yaniqui is a refugee. Yaniqui is also a powerful healer, something she must hide in a galaxy where immense corporations are in the business of human trafficking. More than anything, she dreams of escaping the labor planet and reuniting with Hloban, the man she was betrothed to before their home planet was destroyed.
When Yaniqui’s naivety lands her and her mother in a slave ship, her story spreads all the way to Earth, where Hloban lives. With his wife. That doesn’t stop him from immediately assembling a rescue party to save someone he hasn’t seen since childhood.
An expelled student from an elite galactic university, a Native living in the environmentally-torn US, and an alien that only thinks in the present tense are pulled into the disaster that is the meeting of the estranged would-be lovers.
Never the damsel in distress, Yaniqui frees herself. Her belief in fate is rekindled when Hloban finds her, then destroyed when she learns he’s no longer hers. Hloban and Yaniqui return to Earth, bringing with them the tendrils of galactic slavery.
Hello, I'm preparing to query a science fiction novel. In addition to the pitch below, I will also include a quick author bio. I appreciate any feedback on my query letter and will return a critique on yours. Please link your post in the comments when you respond. Thank you for your help.
Yaniqui dreams of escaping the labor planet populated by refugees, using her healing powers without fear of others using her, and finding the man she was separated from when their planet died.
Though they could help others, Yaniqui’s mother forces her to keep their powers a secret, terrified to draw attention in a galaxy where immense corporations are in the business of human trafficking. Pretending she does not have a gift goes against all Yaniqui is and she will not follow her mother’s wishes to stop searching for Hloban, the man she was betrothed to before the devastation of her people. The stars bound her and Hloban together and Yaniqui has to believe fate will reunite them.
However, Yaniqui does not see the betrayal coming that will shape her and her mother’s lives and she doesn't know Hloban is living his life. On Earth. With someone else.
A PLACE IN THE UNIVERSE is a 106,000 word adult science fiction novel with series potential. Readers who loved the worldbuilding in The Stars are Legion by Kameron Hurley and character driven plot of All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders will enjoy A Place in the Universe.