Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Syche: The Dark Element -- YA, Fantasy Adventure


  • Please log in to reply
24 replies to this topic

#21 G A Johnson

G A Johnson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Createspace.com (Amazon)

Posted 14 March 2019 - 11:50 AM

Both are pretty solid, but I feel like #2 gives me a clearer vision of what's in store for the reader. Great work!



#22 London C

London C

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 60 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 14 March 2019 - 08:52 PM



[I combined this by combing the two and cutting out the extra]

 

 

#1

 

Dear Agent,

  In a modern world where the four classical elements are controlled by the select few born with the gift, seventeen-year-old Joshua Rasgard is horribly, painfully normal. And that’s not changing. No really. He survives by his wit and acute knowledge of how adventures should go, unlike his fire wielding younger brother Kael who Joshua secretly envies.

[I like this opening more, but the rest of the other query. The "refuses to be overshadowed" part of the second opening feels like bland YA garbage, while this one feels more like a twist.

 

#2

 

 

  After the death of their mother, the brothers ran away from home on a quest to find a legendary treasure that would bring her back to life. Five years later, today is the day they’ve run out ideas. Desperate to obtain any information, the brothers decide to poke the hornet’s nest [can you express this without a cliché?] and break into the fortress of an organization of element controlling assassins. Joshua’s convoluted plan for a heist quickly goes awry when he saves a prisoner-- a borderline psychotic, ex-assassin named Gianna.

  This decision, like most of Joshua’s others, is very poorly made. Attempting to finish treasure hunt and revive the dead will only bring death. Trying to save the girl invites betrayal. If he can’t admit his own limitations, he may doom the world while he’s at it. But Joshua would rather die than admit he’s out of his element. [much stronger conclusion]

  SYCHE: THE DARK ELEMENT is a YA Fantasy/Adventure complete at just under 100,000 words.

 

I like tales of bumblers and self-deluded saps, so this really appeals to me.


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#23 Stephen G. Bria

Stephen G. Bria

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 23 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Getting there.

Posted 17 March 2019 - 10:52 PM

It's no masterpiece, but I think we've gotten to a serviceable place with it. 

 

  In a modern world where the four classical elements are controlled by the select few born with the gift, seventeen-year-old Joshua Rasgard is horribly painfully normal. And that’s not changing. No really. He survives by his wit and acute knowledge of how adventures should go, unlike his fire wielding younger brother Kael.

  After the death of their mother, the brothers ran away from home on a quest to find a legendary treasure that would bring her back to life. Five years later, today is the day they’ve run out of ideas. Desperate to obtain any information, the brothers are about to break into a fortress of an organization of element controlling assassins, consequences be damned. Joshua’s convoluted plan for a heist quickly goes awry when he saved a prisoner-- a borderline psychotic, ex-assassin named Gianna.

  The decision, like most of Joshua’s others, is very poorly made. Attempting to finish the treasure hunt and revive the dead will only bring death. Trying to save the girl invites betrayal. If he can’t admit to his own limitations, he may inadvertently doom the world while he’s at it. But Joshua would rather die than admit he’s out of his element.

  SYCHE: THE DARK ELEMENT is a YA Fantasy/Adventure novel complete at just under 100,000 words.

 

Thanks a bundle to everyone who has given me their input! While I love criticisms of all kind, I think I'll only be making minor tweaks from now on with this framework. 



#24 G A Johnson

G A Johnson

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 51 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Createspace.com (Amazon)

Posted 19 March 2019 - 02:47 PM

I feel that you have made this very sleek and effective. At this point, it might not even hurt to put back a single more specific detail. I recall a little more tension regarding Kael in previous versions. I think you hit your mark on the last paragraph, especially. 



#25 callalilly

callalilly

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 220 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 21 March 2019 - 03:03 PM

WOW! Stephen, you've made a lot of progress since the last time I read this! Nicely done. I only have a couple of thoughts.

 

It's no masterpiece, but I think we've gotten to a serviceable place with it. 

 

  In a modern world where the four classical elements are controlled by the select few born with the gift, seventeen-year-old Joshua Rasgard is horribly painfully normal. And that’s not changing. No really. (I think you can take this out -you've already established that he's normal and not changing.) He survives by his wit and acute knowledge of how adventures should go, unlike his fire wielding younger brother Kael. (Since Joshua knows how adventures should go, I take it Kael is a little more reckless with their outings? If so maybe you can write: "He survives by his wit and acute knowledge of how adventures should go, unlike his fire wielding younger brother Kael who shoots fire first and asks questions second" That's not great, but it establishes the difference between the brothers. As always though, I leave it to you -you'll know what's best.)

 

  After the death of their mother, the brothers ran away from home on a quest to find a legendary treasure that would bring her back to life. Five years later, today is the day they’ve run out of ideas (I like this line.). Desperate to obtain any information on the treasures location, the brothers are about to break into a fortress of an organization of element controlling assassins, consequences be damned. Joshua’s convoluted plan for a heist quickly goes awry when he saves a prisoner-- a borderline psychotic, ex-assassin named Gianna.

 

  The decision, like most of Joshua’s others, is very poorly made. Attempting to finish the treasure hunt and revive the dead will only bring death (Why? Is there a curse on the treasure that brings it and not life?). Trying to save the girl invites betrayal to his original plans(?). If he can’t admit to his own limitations, he may inadvertently doom the world while he’s at it. But Joshua would rather die than admit he’s out of his element. (Great final sentence!)

 

  SYCHE: THE DARK ELEMENT is a YA Fantasy/Adventure novel complete at just under 100,000 words.

 

Thanks a bundle to everyone who has given me their input! While I love criticisms of all kind, I think I'll only be making minor tweaks from now on with this framework. 

 

Again, awesome edits from last read. It's getting really good. I hope my few thoughts help some. Good luck!






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users