Otis Cloud has the perfect life: he starts on the football team, plays in the band, and has a beautiful girlfriend. All it takes is one night at a party no comma to change everything no comma when he finds his best friend, Michael, dead on the ground with a needle inside him. He spirals, changing for the worst. His girl leaves him, his friends turn on him, and he is left with nothing. Otis secludes himself, blaming everyone except himself for what is happening.
This isn't actually a hook; it's too long and wandering. Your hook should be short and concise. My quick attempt to rewrite below.
Otis Cloud has the perfect life: he starts on the football team, plays in the band, and has a beautiful girlfriend. Then his best friend, Michael, is found dead from a drug overdose.
Now add that other stuff.
Otis' formerly perfect life takes a nose-dive: He's off the team, out of the band, loses the girl. All he wants to do is avenge Michael's death.
Ultimately, Otis takes matters into his own hands, taking a black sweat suit and a ski mask and starts viciously attacking local dealers. In this, Otis finds purpose, to take down the head of the local drug ring, El Diablo. Otis feels life start to turn around, gaining two new friends, a couple named Andrew and Stacy, and right as life is turning around, a former friend, turned dealer literally shoots Otis back down to Earth. Otis wakes up in the hospital, and tries to lie low for a while, but the itch to be back out there needed to be scratched. Otis steals body armor from an arms dealer and goes back out there, hellbent on completing his mission. He discovers a conspiracy by the mayor to use the media to hide El Diablo and lessen the impact of the drug crisis the city is facing. Otis tries to make the mayor answer for crimes, but right as the police move in, the mayor chooses a head dive over prison. The media attempts to frame Otis for the Mayor’s nosedive out a window and hides out again. He acquires some gadgets from the same dealer he had stolen the armor from (purchasing them this time!), and reinvents himself one last time, determined to complete his mission. He finally makes a breakthrough, discovering El Diablo’s main supplier. When Otis’s assault on the supplier goes poorly, El Diablo decides that the vigilante is getting too close, that whoever he is, needs to go away for a while. Otis is practicing trombone with Stacy when he hears gunfire reverberate through the halls, his sins had come to collect the tab. This is like a synopsis. Your query needs to be a pitch: short and catchy. It's a common mistake, writing a synopsis instead of a query.
THE BRUISER no comma is a YA Crime Novel, complete at 55,000-words. Always round word count.
THE BRUISER is a realistic take on a subgenre that is consuming our pop culture, examining it through the lens of a crisis that has only been getting worse, exploring what loss can really do to a person brought to the brink, and how rebirth does not always end in salvation. Don't editorialize your query. Also, you need to add comp titles.
Hi nsunshine. What you have here is more of a synopsis than a query. Your query needs to be a pitch (aim for a final word count of <250 words minus the closing paragraph -- meaning your current query is also too long). It should have this structure:
[Hook (one or two short sentences to hook your reader)]
[Paragraph 3 (ends with the stakes)]
[Closing paragraph with title, word count, etc.]
Rewrite your query to focus closely on these questions:
1. Who is Otis?
2. What does he want?
3. What obstacles stand in his way?
4. What will happen if he fails (the stakes)?
You should also check out the Query Shark: https://queryshark.blogspot.com/
Query writing is ridiculously hard, so don't be discouraged -- this is a good first pass. Can you please review my query when you can Thanks! http://agentquerycon...title-redacted/