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Literary Novel [Title Redacted] -- Revising, Please No Critiques


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#1 smithgirl

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Posted 15 February 2019 - 12:36 PM

Note: I always redact the titles when I post queries because I don't want these posts to appear in an Internet search. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people.

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at life in general and his estranged, philandering father specifically. So far, Tom’s bitterness cuts only Andrew and him, but now Tom has a whole new plan: to plant drugs on his father, get him arrested and imprisoned, make him suffer for breaking Tom’s once-happy home.

 

To distract Tom from revenge, Andrew joins him for extra hours at a nightmarish underground sex club plus fifteen hours a week of tennis lessons. But the time commitment means Andrew must sacrifice his own greatest love, which is pool. Severed from life’s old anchor, Andrew reaches for a new source of solace and affection. For the first time in his life he finds love with a woman.

 

Still Tom vacillates, he pulls Andrew’s new love’s friend into the incarceration club, too. If Andrew can't get his life and Tom's in order, then Tom will commit a horrible injustice, his father will be imprisoned, and Andrew’s girlfriend -- she's the only thing still holding him up -- will leave him forever.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#2 callalilly

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Posted 15 February 2019 - 07:57 PM

Hi smithgirl. I'm taking a try at your query -hopefully I'll be able to supply you with some constructive notes. If anything I write does not work for you though, please ignore!

 

Note: I always redact the titles when I post queries because I don't want these posts to appear in an Internet search. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year old Andrew Wilde’s life was a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club, a club where members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people.

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at life in general and his estranged, philandering father specifically (I think you can take out those few words for a more direct approach). So far, Tom’s bitterness cuts only himself and Andrew, but now Tom has a whole new direction for his bitterness (I think maybe a sentence on why Tom suddenly decides to change could raise the stakes in here. For example, if Tom suddenly sees his father for the first time in ten years, you could write something: "Tom's bitterness has always been corralled to himself and Andrew, but on a chance meeting with his father, his bitterness is wickedly redirected and a plan sinisterly put into place to plant drugs on his father, get him arrested and imprisoned. Tom's father will suffer for breaking Tom’s once-happy home." Or something like that -I think mentioning what makes Tom decided to get revenge would be a stake for your query

 

Concerned, and hoping to distract Tom from revenge, Andrew joins him for extra hours at a nightmarish underground sex club plus fifteen hours a week of tennis lessons. But the time commitment means Andrew must sacrifice his own greatest love, which is pool. (A point in the book I'm sure, but I don't feel the pool sentence is needed.) Severed from life’s old anchor, (I like the saying, but as people have told me time and again on here with my own letters -in a query every word counts. Therefore, throw this bit out, you have more important information to convey here I feel.) Balancing Tom's thirst for revenge and his own busy life, Andrew reaches for a new source of solace and affection, for the first time in his life finding love with a woman.

 

Still Tom vacillates, he pulls Andrew’s new love’s friend (Can you re-word? This is bit confusing. Maybe just: he pulls a friend of Andrew's girlfriend into the incarceration club, too (Maybe that isn't right and I'm misunderstanding?). If Andrew can't get his life and Tom's in order, Tom might commit a horrible injustice, imprisoning his own father, and Andrew’s girlfriend, the only thing still holding him up, will leave him forever. (I changed to "might" above because it's your last sentence and to raise the stakes is always a plus in making people want to read more)

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

smithgirl- this sounds like a interesting query and book. I might suggest more info on the new club of Tom's, I'm curious but don't feel like I know much about it. A last suggestion: The hook deals with Andrew, but the following paragraph is about Tom mainly -unless this is a multi-pov book, you might stay with Andrew as your main focus. Include Tom's influence on Andrew's life, but make sure Andrew stays at the forefront. I know it looks like I wrote a lot above -most of it was me playing around with the wording and as I said, if you disagree please, please delete all. This is your query and you will know best what way to go with it. The very best of luck, I hope I helped some and happy writing!



#3 A Fatalist Dawn

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Posted 15 February 2019 - 11:33 PM

Twenty-four-year old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people (I would reword this for clarity and to be consistent with Andrew's voice)
 
Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at life in general and his estranged, philandering father specifically. So far, Tom’s bitterness cuts only Andrew and him, but now Tom has a whole new plan: to plant drugs on his father, and get him arrested and imprisoned (Logically, you don't need to say imprisoned and arrested), make him suffer for breaking Tom’s once-happy home.
 
To distract Tom from revenge, Andrew joins him for extra hours at a nightmarish underground sex club plus fifteen hours a week of tennis lessons. But the time commitment means Andrew must sacrifice his own greatest love, which is pool. Severed from life’s old anchor, Andrew reaches for a new source of solace and affection. ("Affection" is a weird way to describe his love of pool.) For the first time in his life he finds love with a woman. (When you say "finds love," do you mean it's his first time falling in love, or is it his first successful relationship with a woman?)
 
The two paragraphs above are solid, in my opinion. I think it's the voice that does it for me. Even for a literary novel, I feel like it's taking a bit long to get to the stakes, though.
 
Still Tom vacillates, he pulls Andrew’s new love’s girlfriend into the incarceration club, too. If Andrew can't get his life and Tom's in order, then Tom will commit a horrible injustice, his father will be imprisoned, and Andrew’s girlfriend -- she's the only thing still holding him up (Be specific here. What makes her so special/important to him that his life will be irrevocably destroyed if she leaves him? Also, I want to hear this in Andrew's voice) -- will leave him forever.
 
I feel myself wanting a bit more here. What specifically will Andrew have to do to correct his life and stop Tom? Otherwise, as I've mentioned, you will definitely want to build on the stakes with regard to Andrew's girlfriend. Is she so important that Andrew can't get his life together if she leaves? What's stopping him from finding another girlfriend? In Lit Fic, things as relatively small as losing a girlfriend can be earth-shattering to your MC, and you'll need to convey every bit of that tension through the query. Overall, you've kept the query personal and focused on only two named characters, which I really enjoyed. If anything, I personally hope you keep that approach.
 
[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc
 
 

Check out my poetry book, The Groundwork of Realization (2018).
 

#4 nsunshine

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Posted 15 February 2019 - 11:59 PM

Note: I always redact the titles when I post queries because I don't want these posts to appear in an Internet search. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool. That is until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club, a club where members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people (awkward wording). (Slightly confusing, consider breaking into two sentences) 

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at life in general and his estranged, philandering father specifically (what does this have to do with their friendship). So far, Tom’s bitterness cuts only Andrew and him(what?), but now Tom has a whole new plan: to plant drugs on his father, get him arrested and imprisoned, and make him suffer for breaking Tom’s once-happy home. (This paragraph is worded very awkwardly, consider changing the first sentence)

 

To distract Tom him from revenge, Andrew joins him Tom for extra hours at a nightmarish underground sex club(what?) plus and fifteen hours a week of tennis lessons. But The time commitment means Andrew must sacrifice his own greatest love, which is pool. Severed from life’s old anchor, Andrew reaches for a new source of solace and affection, happiness with a woman for the first time. For the first time in his life he finds love with a woman.

 

Still Tom vacillates, he pulls Andrew’s new love’s friend into the incarceration club, too. If Andrew can't help get Tom's his life and Tom's in order, then Tom will commit a horrible injustice, his father  an innocent man will be imprisoned, and Andrew’s girlfriend -- she's the only thing still holding him up -- will leave him forever.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 First, I really, really, like the concept of your novel. 

 

Second, as I'm sure you know, queries are one of the hardest parts of getting your book out there. Oftentimes, you go through many, many drafts. (you actually helped contribute to my third draft and I would really appreciate some input on my fourth after we get done here(link below)) 

 

Finally, your query needs some work, I really like the premise and the story alone makes me want to continue reading, to find out what happens next,  but many of the sentences are confusingly structured, words seem switched, and, in the compound/complex sentences, the dependent clause doesn't seem to connect to the independent clause in any meaningful way, leading to lots of confusion. I did my best to clear this up without changing story.

 

I really like what you got here! Keep chugging along, it will get there soon!

 

If you could please give feedback on my latest query draft at this link: http://agentquerycon...ruiser-yacrime/ it would be greatly appreciated.



#5 Carney

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Posted 16 February 2019 - 04:29 PM

Note: I always redact the titles when I post queries because I don't want these posts to appear in an Internet search. Thank you in advance for your feedback.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people. This is too vague. Does this mean they frame people, trump charges, imprison them somehow? Be clear and specific. 

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at life in general and his estranged, philandering father specifically. So far, Tom’s bitterness cuts only Andrew and him, but now Tom has a whole new plan: to plant drugs on his father, get him arrested and imprisoned, make him suffer for breaking Tom’s once-happy home. Why is Tom angry with life unless it is his father? This implies there is something beyond his father making him angry. How does Tom's bitterness cut Andrew? The point I'm trying to make is that you need to make the central point/theme of your novel clear in the query. Who is your MC (I assume its Tom). What does he want/need? What must he overcome to achieve his goal? Who/what hinders and what helps? What happens first and then what follows? 

 

To distract Tom from revenge, Andrew joins him for extra hours at a nightmarish underground sex club plus fifteen hours a week of tennis lessons. But the time commitment means Andrew must sacrifice his own greatest love, which is pool. Severed from life’s old anchor, Andrew reaches for a new source of solace and affection. For the first time in his life he finds love with a woman. I can't quite figure out what all of this means and how it connects to the above. Andrew hopes to distract Tom from revenge and so engages him in sports? But then he falls in love? 

 

Still Tom vacillates, he pulls Andrew’s new love’s friend into the incarceration club, What? Are you saying that Tom gets involved with Andrew's girlfriend's friend? I also stumbled on incarceration club -- I think you need to tie all of this together in a much more coherent and clear fashion. If I understand: Tom is bitter and angry with life for whatever reason. He also hates his father and is angry with him. He decides to somehow frame his father and send him to prison. His friend Andrew tries to stop him, but then Andrew falls in love and ???  too. If Andrew can't get his life and Tom's in order, then Tom will commit a horrible injustice, his father will be imprisoned, and Andrew’s girlfriend -- she's the only thing still holding him up -- will leave him forever.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc. Not sure this sounds like literary fiction, more like an action novel or perhaps a crime novel. 

 

I think you have the core of an interesting story here. However, there are two things not working for me: the query is a bit vague as to story and characterization and it is all summary (told). The single most important element to a query is writing in a manner that shows your story voice clearly. Agents want to know we can tell a story in an engaging manner. The only way to achieve this goal is to show, rather than tell the story. This means trying to concentrate on the most important story elements, showing the characters clearly and keeping all non-essential detail out. Who is your MC? I assume it is Tom, so show us what is essential to know about him. What matters to the story? Try to be as specific and to the point as possible.  Finally, at least as much as possible, stay away from summary. 



#6 smithgirl

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 12:07 PM

Note: I always redact the title when I post queries in a forum like this so it won't come up in an Internet search. Also note, it will help me find your query if you leave me a link or the title.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people.

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the love/hate/guilt that binds them—if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten—

 

If Andrew is the friend he should be, he’ll keep Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. But Andrew can only do so much; already he’s quit his own passion in life, shooting and loving and stroking the cue ball, just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distracted.

 

​Needing distraction, himself, Andrew reaches for something entirely new, and he lets himself fall for a woman who fell for him months ago already. This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can't stop Tom from destroying his life and his father's, as well. 

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#7 Dr.Deb

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 06:29 PM

Hi Smithgirl,

 

Thank you for reviewing my query, very helpful. I have made some comments/edits for you below. Hopefully they are useful. all the best - deb

 

---

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members incarcerate innocent people. Try not to use a colon in your hook. it can be off-putting. the last bit  - whose members incarcerate innocent people... I'm not sure what this means. I read it a couple of times and still struggle to understand it.

 

Andrew and Tom have been friends for twenty years, but it’s a relationship charged with Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the love/hate/guilt that binds them—if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten—  this is good. it makes me feel like I understand Andrew and Tom's connection.

 

If Andrew is the friend he should be, he’ll keep Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. But Andrew can only do so much; already he’s quit his own passion in life, shooting and loving and stroking the cue ball, just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distractedonce again, watch the use of colons & semi-colons. avoid them if possible in a query.

 

​Needing distraction, himself, Andrew reaches for something entirely new, and he lets himself fall for a woman who fell for him months already.  who fell for him months ago - do you mean?This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can't stop Tom from destroying his life and his father's, as well. Can you tighten this last sentence so its is clear what the stakes are in the story? It feels a little underwhelming but with a little bit of polish it could pull the whole thing together.



#8 smithgirl

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Posted 18 February 2019 - 03:14 PM

Note: I always redact the title when I post queries in a forum like this so it won't come up in an Internet search. Also note, it will help me find your query if you leave me a link or the title.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people.

 

For twenty years Andrew and Tom have shared their lives, pains, and fears, but it’s a relationship embittered by Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the hot love/guilt that binds them—if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten—

 

Andrew knows if he’s the friend he should be, he’ll keep Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. But Andrew can only do so much. Already he’s abandoned his one true passion in life, which is shooting and stroking his darling the fair pale cue ball, just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distracted.

 

Needing distraction, himself and marooned from the pool hall, Andrew reaches for something entirely new. Finally, he lets himself fall for that woman who fell for him months ago already. This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can’t save Tom from himself, from sending an innocent man to jail, from Tom nailing the coffin on his own long-suffering soul.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#9 ZacharyD

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Posted 18 February 2019 - 04:02 PM

Note: I always redact the title when I post queries in a forum like this so it won't come up in an Internet search. Also note, it will help me find your query if you leave me a link or the title.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of bartending, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people. This last section is hard to follow, and it also takes away the MC's agency. Andrew isn't the one who discovers this club, so I feel disconnected to him.

 

For twenty years Andrew and Tom have shared their lives, pains, and fears, but it’s a  Andrew and Tom's relationship has been embittered by Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the hot love/guilt that binds them are they lovers too? —if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten— I can see what you're going for here, but it comes off as too complicated. ONLY stick to the important bits.

 

Andrew knows if he’s the friend he should be, he’ll keep he should stop Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. But Andrew can only do so much. Already he’s abandoned his one true passion in life, which is shooting and stroking his darling the fair the pale cue ball, just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distracted.

 

Needing distraction, himself and marooned from the pool hall, Andrew reaches for something entirely new. Finally, he lets himself fall for that woman who fell for him months ago already. It's too late in the query to introduce a love interest. We are only supposed to be focused on Andrew and the conflict presented to him. This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can’t save Tom from himself, from sending an innocent man to jail, from Tom nailing the coffin on his own long-suffering soul.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

I think this query is really missing stakes. If Andrew doesn't stop Tom from incriminating his father, what will happen? It's not enough that an innocent person will be sent to jail because Andrew has no skin in the game. It isn't his father. The conflict isn't directly tied to Andrew, so we don't care what will happen. It also isn't enough that Andrew might lose out on partying or falling in love, because you haven't given us a connection between those elements and the main conflict.

 

Really look at your MC and ask yourself: what does Andrew want? What is stopping him from having it? What will he do to get it? What will happen if he fails (that directly impacts his personal life)?

 

Hope this helped :)



#10 TClark

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Posted 18 February 2019 - 07:27 PM

Note: I always redact the title when I post queries in a forum like this so it won't come up in an Internet search. Also note, it will help me find your query if you leave me a link or the title.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar Bartending, clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute (perhaps use a more malicious word) to the false incarceration of innocent people.

 

For twenty years Andrew and Tom have shared their lives, pains, and fears, but it’s a relationship embittered by Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the hot love/guilt that binds them—if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten— (I'm not sure how I feel about this line. On one hand I love it, on another it comes off strange. Perhaps it can be worded differently?)

 

Andrew knows if he’s the friend he should be, he’ll keep Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. But Andrew can only do so much. Already he’s abandoned his one true passion in life, which is shooting and stroking his darling the fair pale cue ball (this half of the sentence is just too much. I can see what you're going for, but maybe just stick to "the fair cue ball.") just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distracted.

 

Needing distraction, himself and marooned from the pool hall, Andrew reaches for something entirely new. Finally, he lets himself fall for that woman who fell for him months ago already. This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can’t save Tom from himself, from sending an innocent man to jail, from Tom nailing the coffin on his own long-suffering soul.

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced, 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

This isn't a bad query, but its still missing a few pieces. What are the stakes? What happens if he doesn't stop Tom? Is their friendship over? And why does this woman suddenly matter? It illicits an entire paragraph in your query but I don't understand why this is important? 

 

Your novel sounds interesting! Maybe add a line about this mysterious club? Are they evil people? Or just bored suburban housewives? I feel like a little more info on them could really suck me in! 



#11 IMB

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Posted 22 February 2019 - 02:32 PM

Hi! Sorry I took so long to get back to you! I've been really busy, so I had to wait for a day when I had the time to properly sit and pay attention to your query.

 

Don't be scared by all the red! I write a lot.

 

Note: I always redact the title when I post queries in a forum like this so it won't come up in an Internet search. Also note, it will help me find your query if you leave me a link or the title.

 

Dear [Agent]:

 

Twenty-four-year-old Andrew Wilde’s life is a free-wheeling game of tending bar (bartending?), clubbing, and shooting pool until his best friend, Tom, finds a new kind of club: whose members contribute to the false incarceration of innocent people. (This sentence runs long - I felt like it was missing a few commas even though it wasn't, which is not good - and it's coming off as boring, which is dangerous. What you're actually saying here is something really powerful and evil, but it's comming off as passive and mundane.)

 

For twenty years(,)(Also, the repetition of the word 'twenty' here made me almost mistake this as the first paragraph again, and you don't want that. I'd suggest replacing it with two decades, or placing it at the end of the sentence.) Andrew and Tom have shared their lives, pains, and fears, but it’s a relationship embittered by Tom’s anger at his estranged, philandering father. (What does this have to do with Andrew? Are they fighting because of this? And how does this relate to the evil club? This sentence feels misplaced here.) Andrew takes Tom’s hate as part and parcel of the hot love/guilt that binds them—if Andrew was a better friend, if Tom hadn’t saved him from a Rottweiler at ten— (This final bit needs to be reworked, in my opinion. You should find a clearer way to expose their relationship; I'm sure you can do it better while still keeping the emotion in it. Try to make it a little clearer.)   (Just a note: this paragraph felt like a step back, and a little too focused on backstory. If you get a first paragraph that packs a punch with a criminal club, try to run with the stakes a little more.)

 

Andrew knows if he’s the friend he should be, he’ll keep Tom from using the incarceration club to plant drugs on his father. (So he did join the club? You need to tell me that. And this also feels a little misplaced.) But Andrew can only do so much. Already he’s abandoned his one true passion in life, which is shooting and stroking his darling the fair pale cue ball, (This came off as Creepy. When I got to stroking, I got concerned about how the sentence would finish. Remove the flare language, and get to the point.) just to spend more time with Tom, to keep him distracted(This is going to sound cruel, but I kind of don't care? You should really expand more on the club instead of these matters first, because that's what's going to attract agents/readers.)

 

Needing distraction, (no comma) himself and marooned from the pool hall, (why is he marooned to the pool hall? I thought he was helping Tom? I thought Tom was actually keeping him from the pool hall, so how come he's suddenly stuck there?) Andrew reaches for something entirely new. Finally, he lets himself fall for that woman who fell for him months ago already. (Out of the blue, and again I don't care. Is the incarceration Club actually important to the story, or is it just a passing ship? Because if it's not that important, don't put it in the first paragraph, and if it is important, than it needs to be the focal point of this, and not Andrew's personal relationships.) This tangle of lives and bodies is a new kind of heaven; it's the only thing still holding him up. It's the last thing he might lose if he can’t save Tom from himself, from sending an innocent man to jail, from Tom nailing the coffin on his own long-suffering soul. (This whole final stretch is a bit of a mess. So the stakes here are that he has to keep Tom from incriminating his father. But why does that matter? Why does Andrew care, and so, why should I? I think you're getting away from the core of your story here, and it makes it look like you're all over the place. Boil it down a little more: Andrew, his friend Tom showing him the club, and then their struggle with Tom's father. You can keep the lady completely out of it, because she's just an unecessary distraction here.)

 

[Title Redacted] is a fast-paced (It's not coming off as fast-paced. Be careful.), 75,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

Sorry if this was a bit rough; I do think you have a powerful story here, but it felt buried in distracting sentences. I wanted you to talk more about the club, honestly. The stakes are a little weak, and your second paragraph loses a bit of the general interest, so be careful with that. My advice would be to take a really good look at the first third of your book, and focus the query on that. Right now it feels like you're adding too much info, and getting to conflicts that only really exist later on in the book. If the initial conflict is whether Andrew will join the club or not, and the moral implications of that, then lead with that, and keep the rest to a minimal - and if it's something else, focus on that solely.

 

Thank you for your feedback on my query, and good luck with revisions!


Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)





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