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Fiction Childrens Fantasy

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#1 W.P.

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 11:37 AM

 

ANNABELLE ELEANOR is a Middle Grade Fantasy, complete at about 50 000 words

 

 

With a hatter for a father and a seamstress for a mother, Annabelle Eleanor’s dream is to sell her own clothes in her family’s shop. But when her mother teaches her to knit, eleven-year-old Annabelle turns out to have a real gift, too big of a gift, in fact. Since her handmade gloves keep scurrying away and her scarves flying out the window.  

 

Living in a town that fears magic and, most importantly, her clothes, Annabelle must either get rid of her magic or give up on her dream. But she’s a determined little girl, so when she learns of a dying hill that feeds on magic, she decides to have her magic sucked out of her. But the hill is surrounded by a huge wall of thorns and the eerie talking animals inside keep scaring her away. To get to the hill and evade the animals, Annabelle must knit herself some yarn wings for flying, magic outfits for protection, and even yarn pets for allies. 

 

In her quest to remove her magic, Annabelle learns to appreciate the value of her gift and she begins second-guessing her goal. But the closer she gets to the heart of the hill, the more dangerous it becomes. The strange animals no longer try to keep her away. Instead, realizing her powers, they coax and lure her deeper into the hill, promising to make all her dreams come true. If Annabelle isn’t careful, she won’t just lose her gift, but also her path back home. 

 



#2 smithgirl

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 12:59 PM

With a hatter for a father and a seamstress for a mother, Eleven-year-old Annabelle Eleanor’s dream is to sell her own clothes in her family’s shop. But when her mother teaches her to knit, eleven-year-old Annabelle turns out to have a real gift, too big of a gift in fact, since her handmade gloves and scarves keep scurrying away and her scarves flying out the window. 

 

This is good but it's rather long. I think you can easily cut it down. Also, the last "sentence" is a fragment. You should add it to the previous sentence or make it independent.

 

Living in a town that fears magic and, most importantly, her clothes, Annabelle must either get rid of her magic or give up on her dream. Her dream seems more important, so when she learns there's a hill  But she’s a determined little girl, so when she learns of a dying hill that feeds on magic, she decides to have her magic sucked out of her. But the hill is surrounded by a huge wall of thorns with and the eerie talking animals that scare her away inside keep scaring her awayTo get through to the hill and evade the animals, Annabelle must knit herself some yarn wings for flying, magic outfits for protection, and even yarn pets for allies. I like the yarn pets. :-)

 

 

 

In her quest to remove her magic, Annabelle learns to appreciate the value of her gift and she begins second-guessing her goal. This is too vague.  But the closer she gets to the heart of the hill, the more dangerous it becomes. Based on the previous sentence, I thought Annabelle had already done this. The strange animals no longer try to keep her away. Instead, realizing her powers, they coax and lure her deeper into the hill, promising to make all her dreams come true. If Annabelle isn’t careful, she won’t just lose her gift--just when she's beginning to appreciate it-- and she'll never get back home at all. also her path back home. 

 

 

Hi W.P. I have a clear idea of your story overall. I think your query starts well, especially if you tighten the hook. I also had some comments in the second paragraph that I think make is smoother and tighter. The third paragraph gets a bit more iffy. The first sentence is vague and feels out of place. I would cut. You can show that information later in the paragraph.

 

I hope this helps. Can you please look at my query when you get a chance? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...evision-post-6/



#3 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 17 February 2019 - 04:46 PM

 

 

ANNABELLE ELEANOR is a Middle Grade Fantasy, complete at about 50 000 words

Hi mine is Soul Hosts for the return crit, thanks.

 

 

With a hatter for a father and a seamstress for a mother, Annabelle Eleanor’s dream is to sell her own clothes in her family’s shop. boring opening , at present, in my humble opinion, consider souping it up. But when her mother teaches her to knit, eleven-year-old Annabelle turns out to have a real gift, too big of a gift, in fact. Since her handmade gloves keep scurrying away and her scarves flying out the window.   this incomplete sentence didn't work for me as written but here we have the first fun thing that should be sentence number one.  imho. Suggest-- Annabelle's handmade gloves and scarves had the terrible habit of running away from her. (killer right? Why can't I come up with these for my own :-)

 

Living in a town that fears magic and, most importantly, her clothes, Annabelle must either get rid of her magic or give up on her dream. But she’s a determined little girl, so when she learns of a dying hill that feeds on magic, she decides to have her magic sucked out of her. cool But the hill is surrounded by a huge wall of thorns and the eerie talking animals inside keep scaring her away. fun! and you started with seamstress boring stuff when you have all this wonderful stuff! come on now, don't hold out on us :-) To get to the hill and evade the animals, Annabelle must knit herself some yarn wings for flying, magic outfits for protection, and even yarn pets so fun. great imagination! for allies. 

 

In her quest to remove her magic, Annabelle learns to appreciate the value of her gift and she begins second-guessing her goal. But the closer she gets to the heart of the hill, the more dangerous it becomes. fun The strange animals no longer try to keep her away. Instead, realizing her powers, they coax and lure her deeper into the hill, ooh nice and creepy twist promising to make all her dreams come true. If Annabelle isn’t careful, she won’t just lose her gift, but also her path back home. 

 



#4 kathleenq

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Posted 20 February 2019 - 06:31 PM

 

 

ANNABELLE ELEANOR is a Middle Grade Fantasy, complete at about 50 000 words (maybe put this at the end with other credits?)

 

 

With a hatter for a father and a seamstress for a mother, Annabelle Eleanor’s dream is to sell her own clothes in her family’s shop. But when her mother teaches her to knit, eleven-year-old Annabelle turns out to have a real gift, too big of a gift, in fact. Since her handmade gloves keep scurrying away and her scarves flying out the window.  (You should definitely start with the fact that the gloves and scarves fly away from her. Much more interesting than her background information.)

 

Living in a town that fears magic and, most importantly, her clothes, (I'm confused about what's so scary about the clothes? I get that the gloves and scarves fly away, but presumably she has other clothes that don't?) Annabelle must either get rid of her magic or give up on her dream. But she’s a determined little girl, so when she learns of a dying hill that feeds on magic, she decides to have her magic sucked out of her. But the hill is surrounded by a huge wall of thorns and the eerie talking animals inside keep scaring her away. To get to the hill and evade the animals, Annabelle must knit herself some yarn wings for flying, magic outfits for protection armor for protection, and even yarn pets for allies. 

 

In her quest to remove her magic,Soon, Annabelle learns to appreciate the value of her gift and she begins second-guessing her goal. But the closer she gets to the heart of the hill, the more dangerous it becomes. The strange animals no longer try to keep her away. Instead, realizing her powers, they coax and lure her deeper into the hill, promising to make all her dreams come true. If Annabelle isn’t careful, she won’t just lose her gift, but also her path back home. Great ending!

 

I like this query - it has some solid ground to work on. I do think your hook should be more exciting. It's set up to read like Annabelle is boring when she's really not. The stakes and the ending are really good and make me want to read more. Check out my query when you can!


Query: Glass Domes






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