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YA Contemporary Fantasy

Young Adult Fantasy

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#1 KET Writes

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Posted 26 February 2019 - 02:45 PM

Hey guys..I REALLY really do not enjoy synopsis writing... to the point where I've actively avoided querying agents who ask for them. (Yes that's a dumb strategy, I know). 

 

But I think it's time I came on here and subjected myself to a total destroying of my synopsis... so ... without further ado... (I know it's bad... that's why I'm here for your help).

 

 

 

While on an after-dark trip to her small-town grocery store, seventeen-year-old Desirée is attacked. A young man, ADRIAN, saves her life but threatens to silence her if she tells anyone of the assault.

 

After months studying Desirée, Adrian realizes she isn't a threat. He offers Desirée an explanation for the attack. He and her attacker are ORPHAE, they can wield darkness like a weapon. Desirée is DRITAN and has powers fuelled by the light. The two groups have warred for centuries, but are now at a cease-fire. Her attacker had been seeking revenge for the death Adrian’s sister, whom he had loved. In harming Desirée, he violated the truce. Adrian had covered it up to prevent the war from reigniting.

 

When a Dritan man begins stalking Desirée, and she accidentally blasts him back with energy, she seeks out Adrian and asks him to help her control her powers. It’s treason for him to assist a Dritan, but he’s drawn to her—he agrees.

 

The two spend time training together and form a precarious friendship. On Desirée’s birthday, her adoptive mother reveals that someone is after her. Desirée and Adrian suspect it’s the Dritan man who was stalking her.

 

They decide that if a Dritan is following her, the safest place for her to hide is in the Orphae residence—a series of hidden underground tunnels outside of town. Along the way, they again encounter the Dritan man. A fight breaks out and they discover that Desirée is the Dritan heir, but that Desirée’s birth mother had spent the last years of her life hiding her away from their court. She and Adrian escape to his residence.

 

In the tunnels, Adrian and Desire feelings grow for one another. Adrian is conflicted by his duty to his court, and to avoid intimacy with Desirée, visits the bed of his friend-with-benefits, MEL.

 

When Desirée and Adrian finally talk about their feelings, ending in a kiss, Mel walks in on them, putting a wedge between Adrian and Desirée.

 

Things get progressively more tense within the tunnels, but Desirée finds solace in the new friends she’s made—other members of Adrian’s circle. Meanwhile, the Dritans are desperate for Desirée’s return. The truce is now moot, and they are killing off Orphae guards to get to her.

 

To protect her new-found friends, and in part to escape her complicated feelings with Adrian—Desirée goes with the Dritans. Adrian struggles to cope, shuts off his emotions, and focuses on his court—anticipating a war.

 

Among the Dritans, Desirée feels like a prisoner, not a monarch. In sneaking the grounds, she discovers that Adrian’s sister is still alive — the Dritan COUNCIL has been running experiments on her, looking for ways to augment their power, by sucking hers away.

 

Desirée discovers that the only reason she was wanted back at court, was so that she could be experimented on as well—due to the powers buried in her royal bloodline. The Council wants ultimate control + Power, they feel stunted by the tradition of bowing to a royal bloodline.

 

Desirée manages to free Adrian’s sister, and they end up back at the tunnels, where Adrian has become engaged to Mel in his effort to align himself with his responsibilities to his court.

 

It ends with everyone safe, Desirée acknowledges that she has chosen to side with darkness.


 


If my feedback was helpful, I'd appreciate some thoughts on my YA Urban Fantasy Query !

 


#2 dmsimone

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Posted 15 September 2019 - 10:12 PM

Agree, writing a synopsis is a horrid experience. See my comments below.

I'd love for you to take a look at my synopsis, if you have a chance.

 

I made a bunch of suggestions to save words, and had a lot of questions. I am sure you have all the answers, too, but right now the synopsis does not yet flow. I think it's missing some key linkages. Watch comma usage and don't go crazy with the em dashes (I LOVE em dashes, btw). A lot of "was" too, which usually indicates passive phrasing, especially toward the end.

 

I also had trouble pinning Desiree's character arc...

 

Is this dual POV between Desiree and Adrian?

 

 

Hey guys..I REALLY really do not enjoy synopsis writing... to the point where I've actively avoided querying agents who ask for them. (Yes that's a dumb strategy, I know). 

 

But I think it's time I came on here and subjected myself to a total destroying of my synopsis... so ... without further ado... (I know it's bad... that's why I'm here for your help).

 

 

 

While on an after-dark I personally prefer late-night, but that's just me trip to her small-town grocery store, seventeen-year-old Desirée is attacked. Attacked by who/what? A young man, ADRIAN, saves her life but threatens to silence her What does "silence her" mean? if she tells anyone of the assault. I worry a little bit about your MC's agency here because it sounds like she has none. Does she fight back? If so, I would add that.

 

After months of studying Desirée, What does this mean? Is he stalking her? Can you do a little show? Adrian realizes she isn't a threat. What makes him think she was a threat? He offers Desirée an explanation for the attack. I feel like you can say this more succinctly and flow more smoothly into the next sentence, like: He seeks her out and explains that he and her attacker are ORPHAE, they  beings who can wield darkness like a weapon. Desirée is DRITAN and has powers fueled by the light. The two groups have warred for centuries, but are now at an impasse cease-fireI made this suggestion because you have a lot of hyphenated words. Her attacker had been seeking sought revenge for the death of Adrian’s sister, whom he had loved. But Desiree had nothing to do with that death, right? Did her attacker simply target her because she is a Dritan? And what was Adrian doing there at the moment of the attack anyway? In harming Desirée, he violated the truce. Did he actually harm her? If so, I would state that above. Adrian had covered it up to prevent the war from reigniting.

 

When a Dritan man begins stalking Desirée why does she have so many stalkers?, and she accidentally blasts him back "Blasts him back" sounds unpolished...maybe something like...when she accidentally lashes out with a column of light with energy, she seeks out Adrian and asks him to help her control her powers. It’s treason for him to assist a Dritan, but he’s drawn to her—he agrees. At this point I'm wondering if Desiree had knowledge of her gifts, if she knows anyone else like her, and how she knows where to find Adrian.

 

The two spend time training together and form a precarious friendship. On Desirée’s birthday, her adoptive mother reveals that someone is after her. Would this be stalker #3? I'm sorry, it's just strange that there are so many people following her around. Maybe if you explained why it would help. Desirée and Adrian suspect it’s the Dritan man who was stalking her. she fought with using her light. Just a suggestion to try to make Desiree sound more active. And why would a fellow Dritan follow her or try to harm her? 

 

They decide that if a Dritan is following her, Not sure this clause if needed. The safest place for her to hide is in the Orphae residence—a series of hidden,underground tunnels outside of town Since we don't know much about this town, not sure if it's relevant to state that the tunnels are beyond the town. Along the way, they again encounter the Dritan man. A fight breaks outand they discover that Desirée is the Dritan heir, heir to what?? but that Desirée’s birth mother had spent the last years of her life hiding Desiree away from their court. How do they learn all of this from what sounds like a street fight? 

 

Start a new paragraph here. She and Adrian escape to his residence. So is she there in secret? Adrian is hiding her from everyone, right? In the tunnels, Adrian and Desire their feelings grow for one another. Adrian is conflicted by his duty to his court, and to avoid intimacy with Desirée, visits the bed of his friend-with-benefits, MEL. NOOO! When Desirée and Adrian finally talk about discuss their feelings, ending in a and kiss, Mel walks in on them, exposing her relationship to Adrian and putting a wedge between Adrian and Desirée. driving Desiree from him.

 

Things get progressively more tense within the tunnels This is telling, and telling is okay in a synopsis, but I don't know what this means. Presumably, Desiree is there in secret. Only Adrian and Mel know - so what is becoming tense? but Desirée finds solace in the new friends she’s made—other members of Adrian’s circle. But I thought it was treason to assist a Dritan...so everyone in Orphae knows the heir to Dritan is among them, and they are okay with this? Meanwhile, the Dritans are desperate for Desirée’s return. How did they know where she was? The truce is now moot, and they are killing offattack Orphae guards to get to recover her.

 

To protect her new-found friends, and in part to escape her complicated feelings with Adrian,—Desirée goes leaves with the Dritans. Adrian struggles to cope, shuts off his emotions, and focuses on his courtt, anticipating a war.

 

Among the Dritans, Desirée feels like a prisoner, not a monarch. Can you do a little show to show us why? In sneaking exploring? the grounds, she discovers that Adrian’s sister is still alive, and the Dritan COUNCIL why the all caps? has been running experiments on her, looking for ways to augment their power, by sucking hers away. This entire bit should be revised with more polished and tighter phrasing, IMO.

 

Desirée discovers She just "discovered" in the sentence prior, so suggest to rewrite this that the only reason she was wanted back at court, was so that she could be experimented on as well—due to the powers buried in her royal bloodline. What is so special about her powers? Can she command the dark, too? The Council wants ultimate control and power, they feel stunted by the tradition of bowing to a royal bloodline.

 

Desirée manages to frees Adrian’s sister, how? and they end up back at flee to the tunnels, where Adrian has become engaged to Mel in his effort to align himself with his responsibilities to his court.

 

It ends with everyone safe, Desirée acknowledges that she has chosen to side with darkness. I'd like to see a stronger ending here. 


 


My QL is here: http://agentquerycon...ght-ya-fantasy/

My synopsis is here: http://agentquerycon...ght-ya-fantasy/

I am happy to reciprocate with a critique.






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