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Dramaturgy


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#1 Ethaaang

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Posted 13 March 2019 - 03:56 PM

It's been a while but I've resurrected this project.  You help me and I'll help you!    Edited on 3/14 at 553 PM

 

 

Coming of age refers to the adolescent’s transition into adulthood.  For Clarke, it means discovering tangible proof that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  For Elijah, it means dealing with an acute onset of schizophrenia. 

 

Classes, chapel, and Bible study comprise the academic demands of being a student at United Christian College (UCC). Clarke and Elijah are popular juniors who are at the top of their class academically while leading busy social lives. Both are comforted by knowing that when God is in control, success follows.  Until, for the first time in each of their lives, they start doubting.  It being with a stolen laptop.  How could a true Christian steal, Elijah thought.  How could a just God let this happen?  It culminates to an in-class debate where the validity of Christianity and faith in Christ is challenged to the core.  Doubt is natural though.  It deepens your convictions.  Or so they tell themselves.  Yet they are both deeply unsettled, causing them to take action. 

  

For Elijah, this means altering his way of life. He convinces himself that through fasting, isolation, and meditation, he can get closer to Christ’s mind.  The closer he gets, the more twisted his own becomes.  But it’s healthy to go weeks without eating, if it’s getting you closer to God.  And auditory hallucinations are completely normal.  What he believes is progress others see as his mental health crumbling.  Clarke embarks on a journey to discover tangible proof that Christ is the Son of God.  A theorem, or a philosophy.  It must be possible.  He discovers a Resonant Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation system, which can induce brief periods of savantism; the deepest level of autism where individuals have been known to learn new languages in a matter of days, or hundreds of digits of pi.  Being a savant also comes with a price; the loss of motor skills.  However, his priorities change as he finds that there are more immediate issues that demand his attention, especially realizing that his friend’s mental health is drastically declining. 

 

DRAMATURGY is a psychological thriller and my first novel.  It is complete at 80,314 words.   Thank you for taking time and consideration.



#2 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 13 March 2019 - 10:00 PM

Coming of age may mean claiming one’s independence and owning his or her thoughts and behaviors.  In Dramaturgy, for Clarke and Elijah, it means questioning their Christian faith, learning how much of their lives were founded upon belief, and dealing with the ramifications. ("Dramaturgy" is the name of your book, right? Only mention the name at the super end of your query. Also, this is not much of a hook. Like I'm slightly interested, but not too much. This is also the like hardest part of a query and takes forever to find the perfect one, so I don't blame you.)

 

Classes, chapel, and Bible study comprise the academic demands of being a student at United Christian College (UCC). Clarke Adams and Elijah Finetti (Take out the last names. Only mention last names if you want the first time you mention their names.) are popular juniors who are at the top of their class academically while leading busy social lives. Both are comforted by knowing that when God is in control, success follows. (This is a good sentence.) Until, for the first time in each of their lives, they begin to doubt. (Why? What happened?)  Doubt is natural though.  It deepens your convictions. Or so they tell themselves. Both, unbeknownst to the other, decide to take action. ("unbeknownst" is a strange word to use.)

 

Now about halfway through, but I'm not sure what the plot or like the "bad" part of the story is.

 

For Elijah, this means fundamentally altering his way of life. He convinces himself that through fasting, isolation, and meditation, he can get closer to Christ's mind of Christ. The closer he gets, the more twisted his own becomes. (Explain more.) What he believes is progress others see as severe decompensation of his mental health. (This sentence sounds weird.)

 

Clarke embarks on a journey to discover tangible proof that Christ is the Son of God. (Like how?) He discovers a Resonant Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation system, which can induce brief periods of savantism. (Explain?)  Brief periods of unhinged genius, though it also causes temporary loss of his motor skills. (What does? This sentence is confusing.) He begins using the machine in hopes of finding the proof he seeks...yielding mixed results.  However, his priorities change as he finds that there are more immediate issues that demand his attention, such as his deteriorating relationship with his father, his inconsolable mother, and the realization that his friend’s mental health is drastically declining. (This is a bit of an info dump.)

 

Dramaturgy (Your name of the novel is in all capital letters.) is my first novel.  It is complete at 80,314 words.  (Mention the genre of the book. That's super important.) Thank you for taking the time and consideration.

 

 

Overall, the query is in good shape. You explain who your characters are well. The first paragraph is not as hooking, but it's hard to get that sentence. I do want a bit more info on your plot though to get what's going on more. 

 

 

 

If you can, please return the favor: http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/



#3 Ethaaang

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Posted 14 March 2019 - 03:20 PM

Thanks for your comments.  I added a little meat to it:

 

Coming of age refers to the adolescent’s transition into adulthood.  For Clarke, it means discovering tangible proof that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  For Elijah, it means dealing with an acute onset of schizophrenia. 

 

Classes, chapel, and Bible study comprise the academic demands of being a student at United Christian College (UCC). Clarke and Elijah are popular juniors who are at the top of their class academically while leading busy social lives. Both are comforted by knowing that when God is in control, success follows.  Until, for the first time in each of their lives, they start doubting.  It being with a stolen laptop.  How could a true Christian steal, Elijah thought.  How could a just God let this happen?  It culminates to an in-class debate where the validity of Christianity and faith in Christ is challenged to the core.  Doubt is natural though.  It deepens your convictions.  Or so they tell themselves.  Yet they are both deeply unsettled, causing them to take action. 

  

For Elijah, this means altering his way of life. He convinces himself that through fasting, isolation, and meditation, he can get closer to Christ’s mind.  The closer he gets, the more twisted his own becomes.  But it’s healthy to go weeks without eating, if it’s getting you closer to God.  And auditory hallucinations are completely normal.  What he believes is progress others see as his mental health crumbling.  Clarke embarks on a journey to discover tangible proof that Christ is the Son of God.  A theorem, or a philosophy.  It must be possible.  He discovers a Resonant Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation system, which can induce brief periods of savantism; the deepest level of autism where individuals have been known to learn new languages in a matter of days, or hundreds of digits of pi.  Being a savant also comes with a price; the loss of motor skills.  However, his priorities change as he finds that there are more immediate issues that demand his attention, especially realizing that his friend’s mental health is drastically declining. 

 

DRAMATURGY is a psychological thriller and my first novel.  It is complete at 80,314 words.   Thank you for taking time and consideration.



#4 London C

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Posted 14 March 2019 - 06:56 PM

It's been a while but I've resurrected this project.  You help me and I'll help you!    Edited on 3/14 at 553 PM

 

 

Coming of age refers to the adolescent’s transition into adulthood.  For Clarke, it means discovering tangible proof that Jesus Christ is the Son of God.  For Elijah, it means dealing with an acute onset of schizophrenia. [I'd rework this to exclude the first sentence—it's a general statement, not about your novel.]

 

Classes, chapel, and Bible study comprise the academic demands of being a student at United Christian College (UCC). Clarke and Elijah are popular juniors who are at the top of their class academically while leading busy social lives. Both are comforted by knowing that when God is in control, success follows.  Until, for the first time in each of their lives, they start doubting.  It being with a stolen laptop.  How could a true Christian steal, Elijah thought.  How could a just God let this happen?  It culminates to an in-class debate where the validity of Christianity and faith in Christ is challenged to the core.  Doubt is natural though.  It deepens your convictions.  Or so they tell themselves.  Yet they are both deeply unsettled, causing them to take action. [This is a very clear set-up.]

  

For In response, Elijah, this means altering alters his way of life. He convinces himself that through fasting, isolation, and meditation, he can get closer to Christ’s mind.  The closer he gets, the more twisted his own becomes.  But it’s healthy to go weeks without eating, if it’s getting you closer to God.  And auditory hallucinations are completely normal.  What he believes is progress others see as his mental health crumbling.[I'd rework this last sentence so it's clear that while he doesn't believe it, he's experiencing the onset of schizophrenia; the way it's written, you're suggesting it's a matter of opinion.]  Clarke's response is to seek embarks on a journey to discover tangible proof that Christ is the Son of God.[Is he seeking evidence that Christ is the son of God, or that God exists? I'm assuming the theft didn't leave him questioning if Jesus was just a prophet instead of God's son, or if maybe God is really Buddha.]  A theorem, or a philosophy.  It must be possible.  He discovers a Resonant Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation system, which can induce brief periods of savantism; the deepest level of autism where individuals have been known to learn new languages in a matter of days, or hundreds of digits of pi.  Being a savant also comes with a price; the loss of motor skills.  However, his priorities change as he finds that there are more immediate issues that demand his attention, especially realizing that his friend’s mental health is drastically declining. [The conclusion feels a little weak. Is there an inciting event that shows Clark that Elijah is in danger?]

 

DRAMATURGY is a psychological thriller and my first novel.  It is complete at 80,314 words.   Thank you for taking time and consideration.

 

 

Overall, I think this is strong (and my sentence-level edits might not improve it any). I think you could get rid of the opening paragraph and move right into the background. The other issue I'd think about is how to convey what the conflict is. The stakes are clear: Elijah is trying to mange a serious mental health issue; however, it's not as clear what the conflicts will be. Does Clark have to pick between helping his friend and…RTMS? Not to be flippant, but other than his mental health, what does Elijah have to lose? Your set-up suggests something of it, but I'd like to see a bit more about how this plays out in the plot.


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My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques





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