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James Rhyder and the Cave of Dreams (Upper-MG Fantasy)

Fiction Fantasy Middle Grade

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#1 Faltho

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Posted 23 March 2019 - 10:17 AM

Thanks all, I got the feedback I needed!

 

Dear ____,

 

[Agent personalization here]

Twelve-year-old James Rhyder doesn’t dream at night of being a hero. Rather, his dreams are filled with shadowy figures and cryptic warnings about the end of the world. As these strange dreams begin to make James question if he’s going crazy like his mother, a quirky girl named Rheyna Anwen whisks him away into a hidden world where psychics, druids, and magic are real.

 

At first the enchanted cabins and unusual summer camp where new psions, known as psychics to the outside world, are trained feels unbelievable like one of his mystifying dreams. However, James soon discovers a secret about himself which threatens to turn this new life into a nightmare: his dreams are a dangerous and illegal talent known as dreamwalking.

 

When a mysterious man in blue -who’d been stalking James all summer- kidnaps one of his cabinmates, his strange dreams may be the only way he can find his comrade. Now, James must learn to trust his new friends, control his illegal psion talent, and put aside his insecurities. If he can’t, much more could be at stake than just one missing camper.

 

JAMES RHYDER AND THE CAVE OF DREAMS, complete at 66,000 words is a standalone upper middle grade urban fantasy novel with series potential. Set against a contemporary background it will appeal to fans of low fantasy novels with magical world building like Jessica Townsend’s Nevermoor series.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,



#2 Ethaaang

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Posted 23 March 2019 - 01:54 PM

Dear ____,

 

[Agent personalization here]

 

Twelve-year-old James Rhyder doesn’t have dreams of becoming a hero. Rather, his dreams are filled with shadowy figures and cryptic warnings about the end of the world. When these strange dreams begin to make James believe he’s going crazy like his mother, a quirky girl named Rheyna Anwen whisks him away into a hidden world filled with psions, druids, and magic.  Intriguing.  I think this is really well done. 

 

At first the magical cabins and unusual lessons of the summer camp where new psions, known as psychics to the outside world, are trained feels like one of his curious dreams. However, James quickly discovers a secret about himself which threatens to turn this new life into a nightmare. His dreams are a dangerous and illegal talent in the psychic world known as dreamwalking.

    

So, when a mysterious man in blue who’d stalked James all summer kidnaps one of his cabinmates, his strange dreams might be the only key to saving his comrade. Now, James must learn to trust his new friends, control his illegal psion talent, and put aside his insecurities. If he can’t, more might be at stake than just a missing camper.

 

JAMES RHYDER AND THE CAVE OF DREAMS, complete at 67,000 words is a standalone upper middle grade fantasy novel with series potential. Set against a contemporary background it will appeal to fans of low fantasy novels with magical world building like Jessica Townsend’s Nevermoor series.  You’re not suppoed to ccompare your work to anything that already exists.  I’d take that sentence out entirely.  This is a catchy query and I feel like it speaks for itself instead of needing to compare it to something already published.  Sorry that I can’t come up with more, but honestly I feel like it works.  I do know for a novel that word counts are typically greater, but considering the audience you are going for I think you’re safe.  Please query mine if you have a chance!  It’s at the bottom:

http://agentquerycon...124-dramaturgy/

 

[Author stuff]

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,



#3 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 24 March 2019 - 12:00 PM

Twelve-year-old James Rhyder doesn’t have dreams of becoming a hero. Rather, his dreams are filled with shadowy figures and cryptic warnings about the end of the world. (I thought you meant like "Goals" in the first sentence, but are you meaning dreams at night instead? Explain a tad more.) When these strange dreams begin to make James believe he’s going crazy like his mother, a quirky girl named Rheyna Anwen whisks him away into a hidden world filled with posions, druids, and magic. (Why does he think he's having these dreams? Like does he believe he's cursed or so? -- & So the normal world didn't have magic?) (You never mention magic again much. You keep playing on "psychic", which is different. So, I'd say that instead of magic.)

 

At first, the magical cabins (Explain more.) and unusual lessons of the summer camp lessons where new psions (I keep thinking you're misspelling this world.), known as psychics to the outside world, are trained feels like one of his curious dreams. However, James quickly discovers a secret about himself which threatens to turn this new life into a nightmare: his dreams are a dangerous and illegal talent in the psychic world known as dreamwalking.

    

So, When a mysterious man in blue who’d stalked James all summer (I'd either isolate this part of the sentence with m dashes or take it out. It gives just a bit too much information.) kidnaps one of his cabin-mates, his strange dreams might be the only key to saving his comrade. (Why? What about the other psychics and "magic"?) Now, James must learn to trust his new friends, control his illegal psion talent, and put aside his insecurities. If he can’t, more might be at stake than just one missing camper.

 

Overall, I think your query is good. I'd just be more consistent about psychic rather than "magic", because you didn't show any magic. I'd also just clean up a couple of sentences to make sure it's all clear.



#4 Faltho

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Posted 24 March 2019 - 12:53 PM

Robin, thanks for your feedback! I'll definitely be making several of these changes. While psions/psychics are different in this world than magic (which also exists), I'll try to make the distinctions a bit more clear. Thanks again!



#5 epercak

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 01:06 PM

Thanks for the feedback on my query!

 

 

Thanks all, I got the feedback I needed!

 

Dear ____,

 

[Agent personalization here]

Twelve-year-old James Rhyder's doesn’t dream at night of being a hero. Rather, his dreams are filled with shadowy figures and cryptic warnings about the end of the world. ("dream at night" sounds clunky, and dream on it's own seems like "aspires to." I'd scrap it entirely. Opening with a negative, and one that isn't particularly special, isn't too strong.) As these strange dreams begin to make James question if he’s going crazy like his mother, a quirky girl named Rheyna Anwen whisks him away into a hidden world where psychics, druids, and magic are real.

 

At first the enchanted cabins and unusual summer camp where new psions, known as psychics to the outside world, are trained feels unbelievable like one of his mystifying dreams. (I know you're trying to build the world with the term, but introducing it here makes it clunky.) However, James soon discovers a secret about himself which threatens to turn this new life into a nightmare: his dreams are a dangerous and illegal talent known as dreamwalking.

 

When a mysterious man in blue -who’d been stalking James all summer- kidnaps one of his cabinmates, his strange dreams may be the only way he can find his comrade. Now, James must learn to trust his new friends, control his illegal psion talent, and put aside his insecurities. (don't end a list with the weakest.) If he can’t, much more could be at stake than just one missing camper. (too vague of a closing.)

 

JAMES RHYDER AND THE CAVE OF DREAMS, complete at 66,000 words is a standalone upper middle grade urban fantasy novel with series potential. Set against a contemporary background it will appeal to fans of low fantasy novels with magical world building like Jessica Townsend’s Nevermoor series.  

 

Thank you for your time and consideration,

 

 

There's a good concept here in the story, but I think the query could be tidied up a little more. It could also benefit from a stronger hook and closing, as is they are pretty generic and don't make it stand out.



#6 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 03 April 2019 - 05:33 PM

Thanks all, I got the feedback I needed!

 

Dear ____,

 

[Agent personalization here]

Twelve-year-old James Rhyder doesn’t dream at night of being a hero. why would he? i bet he doesn't dream at night of riding a pony either. why put what he doesn't dream of? Rather, his dreams are filled with shadowy figures and cryptic warnings about the end of the world. this is part is good, perhaps change the first part to the usual stuff a boy of twelve dreams of As these strange dreams begin to make James question if he’s going crazy like his mother, a quirky girl named Rheyna Anwen whisks him away into a hidden world where psychics, druids, and magic are real.good

 

At first the enchanted cabins and unusual summer camp where new psions, known as psychics to the outside world, are trained feels unbelievablYe like one of his mystifying dreams. I would avoid the word unbelievable, as it might prompt the agent to think to him/herself, I don't believe it either However, James soon discovers a secret about himself which threatens to turn this new life into a nightmare: his dreams are a dangerous and illegal talent known as dreamwalking. cool

 

When a mysterious man in blue -who’d been stalking James all summer- kidnaps one of his cabinmates, two words his strange dreams may be the only way he can find his comrade. Now, James must learn to trust his new friends, control his illegal psion talent, and put aside his insecurities. If he can’t, much more could be at stake than just one missing camper. so all he has to do is trust his friends? sounds too easy

 

JAMES RHYDER AND THE CAVE OF DREAMS, complete at 66,000 words is a standalone upper middle grade urban fantasy novel with series potential. Set against a contemporary background it will appeal to fans of low fantasy novels with magical world building like Jessica Townsend’s Nevermoor series.   nice overall very strong

 

 Here is mine (Soul Hosts) if you would please return the crit, it would be appreciated: http://agentquerycon...irection/page-2

Thank you for your time and consideration,







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