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Donny Quinn and the Quest for Computer Parts - MG Humor


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#1 Derrick

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 08:51 AM

REVISION IS IN POST #19. Still working it, but while I crit others, I don't want feedback on the same stuff.

 

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If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

After former companions rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

 

But to Sandra, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop RPG game. She helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project.

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra.

 

Sandra’s right.

 

Wizards don’t exist, silly.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#2 Faltho

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 10:58 AM

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game (Solid hook. However, compared to the rest of the query, it feels a little lackluster of an introduction).

 

After former companions (Former companions is an odd choice of phrase. If he's in an role playing group, perhaps consider including some terminology to ease us into the idea.) rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world (Does Matthew have a reign of terror on the real world?).

 

But to Sandra (Might just be me, but while reading this I have no idea how old Sandra is, and that bothers me. Is she a kid, a kind adult, a librarian?), she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop RPG(I'd say role playing game, rather than RPG) game. She helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project(I'd like to have an idea why she does this too, in this query. Is she just kind, does she feel sorry for him?).

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra.

 

Sandra’s right.

 

Wizards don’t exist, silly. (I understand why this is here, it's a wonderful builder for humor and voice. However, it's distracting, and honestly you've already built the voice in well previously.)

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.

 

 

Very nice, very comical in places. I love the modern day Don Quixote edge to it. However, it's a little bare in some places that I, as a person reading this, would be curious to know a little more about. You have just about the perfect length query for a true MG novel, and a few small extra details I think would make it shine without bogging down the reading.



#3 epercak

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 01:35 PM

Thanks for the feedback on my query!

 

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.​ I think you could have a better hook. Also, it's not clear who Sandra is here, and I think that's a problem. 

 

After former companions rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. (I'm a little confused about the two worlds. Is Sandra part of the Magic World or the real world or both? It seems like there is a clear distinction, I'm just not seeing what it is and what separates the two worlds, what rules apply in the fantasy one, etc. If the reality of the fictional world is a key question in the book, that theme needs to be teased out a bit more and clarified.)

 

But to Sandra, (there's something wrong with the syntax here. I'm really not sure what you're trying to say) she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop RPG game. She helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project.

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra.

 

Sandra’s right.

 

Wizards don’t exist, silly.

 

(This whole last part feels a little gimmicky and it doesn't really say much of anything. I'd end on something stronger that lays out the stakes more clearly.)

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.

 

This could use some revision for clarity. I'm not sure what the stakes are or what the basic premise is. The biggest clue comes from the title. I'd work with that and see if you could extrapolate details from the title to shape the query as a whole. It's set up for it — outlining a clear quest.



#4 Cengel

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Posted 28 March 2019 - 11:26 PM

Derrick,

 

Thank you for the feedback on my query! I really liked your idea of changing the hook. 

 

I've added some comments below that came up, in real-time, as I was reading. Further below, I have some more comments.

 

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game. I think someone else mentioned this, but I agree that we need some sort of clarification here of who Sandra is. His mom? A friend? 

 

After former companions who are the former companions? This feels too vague to be meaningful rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. I think we need a slightly better picture of how Matthew's reign of terror applies to our world.

 

But to Sandra, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop RPG game. the wording is slightly off here -- the "to Sandra" doesn't work She helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project.

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra.

 

Sandra’s right.

 

Wizards don’t exist, silly.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.

 

Overall, I like your premise a lot! It feels very unique, and I think you're doing a good job of showing the potential for humor and some voice. I do feel like there were a couple confusing things -- first, is this told from both the perspective of Donny and Sandra? Near the end, it seems to shift to Sandra's perspective, making me think it's dual-POV. If so, I think that needs to be stated somewhere. 

 

I do think you have a lot of the pieces here, but I would try re-arranging and adding some details that will make things more clear to people who are unfamiliar with your world. 


Please take a look at my query.


#5 Derrick

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Posted 29 March 2019 - 08:27 AM

Thanks for the feedback. I'd say my biggest questions about it were answered. I put that last bit in there to really cement the reality of what is going on. And the rest of the query was really tailored to that last bit to make it make sense. But it sounds like it doesn't work because it comes off as gimmicky and it sounds like it doesn't even really answer the question, I thought it answered so clearly. Here is an older version of my query, updated to incorporate your feedback.

 

------------------

 

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. The only thing that can stop him is reality. He's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

Betrayed and robbed of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, Donny enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

 

But really, Donny meets Sandra after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project. But the most important thing they’ll build is their friendship.

  

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#6 HBDiaz

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Posted 31 March 2019 - 10:41 AM

Hi! Thank you for your feedback on my query, specifically regarding the hook. I will work on that!

I really like the premise of your story. It sounds very unique and imaginative!

My main note: It seems that these two worlds (the game and the project w/ Sandra) coincide simultaneously is the story? If so, I understand the stakes of game, but what are the stakes of the computer-building story line? What is Donny's main goal and what is standing in his way? What are the consequences if he doesn't accomplish it? I do have a few questions, but this is quite a bit outside my genre, so it's possible I don't quite understand the rules. 

Feel free to disregard if I've got it wrong. Overall, it sounds like a wonderful story! 

 

Thanks for the feedback. I'd say my biggest questions about it were answered. I put that last bit in there to really cement the reality of what is going on. And the rest of the query was really tailored to that last bit to make it make sense. But it sounds like it doesn't work because it comes off as gimmicky and it sounds like it doesn't even really answer the question, I thought it answered so clearly. Here is an older version of my query, updated to incorporate your feedback.

 

------------------

 

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, [perhaps "can open the portal" or "can finish building his portal"] he could save his world and ours. The only thing that can stop him is reality. He's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

Betrayed and robbed of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, Donny enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. [are these two worlds blending at some point? I'd like to know a little more about how Matthew's terror has gotten into our world]

 

But really, [so, is none of the above actually happening?] Donny meets Sandra after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. [does building this computer somehow affect his ability to stop Matthew? If so, how?] They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their project. But the most important thing they’ll build is their friendship.

  

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.


H.B. Diaz

 

Critiques much appreciated and returned.

http://agentquerycon...othic-mystery/ 


#7 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 08 April 2019 - 10:18 AM

Thanks for the feedback. I'd say my biggest questions about it were answered. I put that last bit in there to really cement the reality of what is going on. And the rest of the query was really tailored to that last bit to make it make sense. But it sounds like it doesn't work because it comes off as gimmicky and it sounds like it doesn't even really answer the question, I thought it answered so clearly. Here is an older version of my query, updated to incorporate your feedback.

 

------------------

 

If the wizard DonnyI I think this should either be if Donny, a wizard, or A wizard named Donny or mage Donny or Wizard Donny or the wizard, Donny,  but the wizard Donny feels wrong to me.  can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. The only thing that can stop him is suggest add- a little thing called (someone might tell you to cut this if you do add it, but I think it adds punch and texture to the writing) reality. He's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

Betrayed and robbed of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, Donny enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. this feels a bit weak and video gamey to me Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.seems kind of too simplistic to me and also I don't feel I have a reason that I HAVE to read this. it sounds sort of typical Saturday morning cartoon stuff as written to me. But maybe that will appeal to your demographic? Not sure it will grab an agent though

 

But really, Donny meets Sandra after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns, to earn the money needed to finish their projecaagain this doesn't feel compelling to met. But the most important thing they’ll build is their friendship.this sounds cliched to me to be honest.

  

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000 MG Humoif its humor I think the query should be funnierr and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.



#8 Derrick

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Posted 08 April 2019 - 11:47 AM

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

After former teammates rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns—she does most of the work, by the way--to earn the money needed to finish their project. She doesn’t care who Matthew is, but if this computer doesn’t work, she’ll have wasted her whole summer. At least, she’ll get a friendship out of it.

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra is. Wizards don’t exist.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000-word MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#9 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 10 April 2019 - 06:40 PM

If the wizard Donny can finish ("the wizard Donny" sounds strange to me. The way my brain reads it, it's like they're two different people.) his portal, he could save his world (So, he has a different world? Like a planet?) and ours. But according to Sandra (Who's she to him?), he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

After Donny's former teammates rob him of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia (Where is this? The place in the video game?), he enlists Sandra's help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. (Why did he need the book? Did it help with portals? Why does he want to build a portal?) They take on (Or: "complete" instead of "take on".) many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns (from where?), he’ll be able to end can stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. (Explain his terror more. Also, don't name too many things. Like I'd say "evil sorcerer" over "Matthew".)

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, (I feel like you've already said something similar before.) she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game (I feel like it's D&D. If it is, you can just say D&D.). Lacking friends their (Don't you mean "her age" cause we're talking about her here.) age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer (Does she do this so she can make a friend or rather doesn't have friends, so she's bored.). They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns—in which she does most of the work, by the wayto earn the money needed to finish their project. She doesn’t care who Matthew is, but if this computer doesn’t work, she’ll have wasted her whole summer. At least, she’ll get a friendship out of it.  (The last sentence sounds weird.)

 

But who’s story right? (Some say to not end a query with a question. I'd think about rephrasing it, but the question works for me. The answer below doesn't work though because you want your readers to think about the question more to see who's right rather than already think "well yeah, there's the end of the story" even if it's not. You don't want them to think they know the end.)

 

Sandra is. Wizards don’t exist.

 

Overall, I like the query. The story sounds interesting. I'd just tighten up some words and add in some information.



#10 alibi174

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Posted 24 April 2019 - 12:04 PM

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours (what's wrong with his/our world?). But according to Sandra (who is she? Maybe not right in your hook, but I'd like a little more about their world, since it seems from the info given (names; computer games) that they're in our world), he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

After former teammates (teammates for what? Is this some kind of computer game competition?) rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior (warrior?) to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s (this threat comes out of nowhere a little bit, and I feel lke you should mention it in the beginning when you're discussing the threat to his world) reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she (are you referring to Sandra here? It's unclear) meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns—she does most of the work, by the way--to earn the money needed to finish their project. She doesn’t care who Matthew is, but if this computer doesn’t work, she’ll have wasted her whole summer. At least, she’ll get a friendship out of it.(this feels a little less high-stakes than I think you might have been going for. You keep ramping up the conflict (good), but then there is a sharp decrease here, at least from my read)

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra is. Wizards don’t exist.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000-word MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.

 

Aside from missing some information and the ending, I think it's looking really good. 


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query.


#11 Jackie B

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Posted 25 April 2019 - 01:20 AM

Derrick, thanks for helping me with my query.

 

I don't know if I can be of any use. But I'll try.

 

My main problem with your query is a lack of clarity. Or where this story happens. Is Donny an ordinary boy who is or pretends to be a wizard? Who is Sandra? A computer character? An ordinary girl? How and where is she a warrior? 

 

Also in the first para, it is not clear why her opinion matters to Donny or to the story. My confusion began from there.

 

I think you need to give some context. It's not like saying Donny is the son of a factory worker in Midwest or an East Coast liberal, or a school boy in London, or a wizard of Earthsea. 

 

Hope this is of some help.

 

Thanks again.



#12 AsperBlurry

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Posted 29 May 2019 - 07:07 AM

Hey Derrick, sorry for my late reply, but I'm finally returning the favor! (and thank you for your feedback on my query)
 
Ok, so here it is: 

 

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra, he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game. Good opening but what's the reason he can't do it? The fact that he's a 12 yo? And who's Sandra?

 

After former teammates rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia (What's that?), he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. Make it simple. He asks her for help. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.  

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns—she does most of the work, by the way--to earn the money needed to finish their project. She doesn’t care who Matthew is, but if this computer doesn’t work, she’ll have wasted her whole summer. At least, she’ll get a friendship out of it. It's too long and a bit confusing. Try make it simpler. The sentences should be snappy & give u basic info (not too much). Remember that agents are busy & I imagine they don't want to waste time wondering "what's this about?":) 

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra is. Wizards don’t exist.  U should work on the ending. What are the stakes? We know about saving the world from your hook but there has to be an explanation in the end. It needs to be clear.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000-word MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE complete with windmill.

 

Hope it helps, good luck!

 

I'm rewriting my query so I'd appreciate it if you could take a look :)


Please consider a re-critique http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=360734


#13 PH87

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Posted 05 June 2019 - 11:16 AM

If the wizard Donny can finish his portal, he could save his world and ours. But according to Sandra (who is Sandra? It feels weird to have her name just dropped here without knowing who she is), he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game.

 

After former teammates rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra the warrior to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal (What's at stake here? Why does he need to build portals? What is he trying to achieve?). They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he returns, he’ll be able to end the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns—she does most of the work, by the way--to earn the money needed to finish their project. She doesn’t care who Matthew is, but if this computer doesn’t work, she’ll have wasted her whole summer. At least, she’ll get a friendship out of it.

 

But who’s right?

 

Sandra is. Wizards don’t exist.

 

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 38,000-word MG Humor and a modern day DON QUIXOTE (don't do comparasions here, I don't think it works for you) complete with windmill.



#14 Derrick

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Posted 05 July 2019 - 09:47 AM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

After former teammates rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he can return to his homeland, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends her age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel her worth, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win.

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#15 London C

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Posted 05 July 2019 - 11:42 AM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

After former teammates ​[teammates feels wrong here—not the right pseudo-fantasy feel] rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he can return to his homeland, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends her age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel her worth, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win.

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.

 

Great voice, and you do a fantastic job with the second paragraph hinting that this might not be real. I love the idea of an MG Don Quixote, too.

 

The only thing I think is missing is a hint as to why Sandra doesn't have friends her age (and what age that is—I'm assuming close to his, but can't be sure from the query). 

 

If I got this as an agent, I'd eagerly dive into the pages. The sole hesitation I might have is if the word count is low. I write YA, so I'm not sure what the standard is for your age range, but if it's off a lot that could lead to rejections. Obviously, trust any research you've done more than my speculations.


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My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#16 ddcash80

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Posted 07 July 2019 - 01:33 PM

Donny says he's a great wizard imo you should go all in and say "Donny's a great wizard who can save his world and ours but only if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy though,building a computer to play an online game (and let Sandra bring in the reality), and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

After former teammates rob After xyz is stolen (don't bring in unneccessary characters to confuse reader), Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project need a better word than project, something mystical to keep the theme (something like epic mission, make dreams come true, fulfill his goal, etc). Once he can return to his homeland, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends her age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel her worth, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win. Good ending but "gets a win" falls a bit flat. maybe "make sure he succeeds".

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.

Nice query. Even though I like the ending, I don't feel any stakes. What happens if he doesn't finish his "project"? never see father again, never move on, family never be whole, never be able to return to reality?



#17 speedchuck

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Posted 08 July 2019 - 03:53 PM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours (It's weird to refer to the reader in any way, shape, or form when pitching the story) if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just only sees a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

 
After former teammates (The draw of this query is its dual world of imagination. Seeing the different way Donny and Sandra see things is wonderful. 'Former teammates' really doesn't tell me much. Teammates in... what really? Former adventuring partners? Former brothers-at-arms?) rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests (This sentence is a little bland. You could possibly expand it a little here, giving us an idea of the fantastic quests without adding to the word count too much.) to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he can return to his homeland, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returnedThis line alone makes me want to read the book, haha. Together, they will stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our worldI feel like you do need the hook and stakes here, but I have no idea who Matthew is, or whether this is personal.
 
But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game (Makes little sense to me that this would relate to a computer game. Perhaps it makes sense in story, but there's a disconnect there.). Lacking friends her age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel her worth (Awkward wording there), so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win.
 
DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.
 
The above edits are my opinion and should be taken with a grain of salt. The story sounds fun to me! Thanks for your critique on my work.


#18 NoNoNoNo

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Posted 09 July 2019 - 01:18 AM

I don't have much to add here. This is a strong query and I don't want to give notes that don't make things stronger:

 

 

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way. - The "and ours" makes me ask questions that this query doesn't answer. Is it really necessary? 

After former teammates rob Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to finish their project. Once he can return to his homeland, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. - This line killed me, it summed up so much complexity with such simplicity. Good work. Together, they will stop the evil sorcerer Matthew’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. - See the first note.

 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends her age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawnsto earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel her worth, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win. - I feel like "her worth" is a missed opportunity to show how Donny really makes her feel.

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.



#19 Derrick

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Posted 11 July 2019 - 11:03 AM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours, but only if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

After his adventure party betrays and robs Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to complete the magical door back home. Once he can return, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop an evil sorcerer’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age,
she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer, so he can play the online version. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel appreciated, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win.

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG Contemporary DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#20 London C

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Posted 14 July 2019 - 10:55 AM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours, but only if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way. ​(An earlier commented pointed out the "and ours" isn't needed, and I agree. If you're going to put this here, the threat to our world—as Donny believes—should be in the query.)  

After his adventure party betrays and robs Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to complete the magical door back home. Once he can return, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop an evil sorcerer’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world.

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer, so he can play the online version. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel appreciated, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win. (I love how you show that the world Donny sees and the word he and Sandra live in aren't the same; however, I think this transition could be better. Can you make it more parallel to how you show Donny's perspective? E.g., just present it without qualifiers?)

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG Contemporary DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill.

 

This is excellent. I saw here that you're query is for a dual POV. You do a good job of suggesting that, but I'd state it directly so there's no confusion. 


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My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques





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