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Donny Quinn and the Quest for Computer Parts - MG Humor


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#21 Derrick

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Posted 18 July 2019 - 08:29 AM

This is excellent. I saw here that you're query is for a dual POV. You do a good job of suggesting that, but I'd state it directly so there's no confusion. 

Thanks for the feedback. The story isn't in dual POV, but the query is. But I do that to make it clear.

 

The story is actually all from Donny perspective. And Sandra is chiming in with what she "sees". But the reader knows Donny is not right, because he'll describe a flashlight like a magical torch, but you the reader knows what a flashlight is, so you know the world Donny is seeing is not right.

 

I just found it hard to convey that into a query, so I put the query in dual POV. Also, Sandra is a very important character, so I really needed to show her, as the emotional stakes seem to really lie with her not Donny.

 

My point to the querier in the link was that two POVs in a query isn't really wrong, which is where I thought he might be heading.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#22 lionspaws

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Posted 18 July 2019 - 02:04 PM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours, but only if he can finish his portal. His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way. I really like the voice here and the hook. 

After his adventure party betrays and robs Donny of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They take on many quests to earn the gold needed to complete the magical door back home. Once he can return, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned. Together, they will stop an evil sorcerer’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. What's an adventure party? I was picturing an adventure themed birthday party, then a group of people going adventuring... 

But through Sandra’s eyes, she Sandra meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer, so he can play the online version. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing
 lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel appreciated, so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win. After your first two paragraphs, this feels kind of anticlimactic. It does give the impression that it's a dual POV. I'm also not certain what the stake here is? Is the plot all what's in Donny's head, or is there a real-world plot? I'd personally pick one or the other and focus. 

 

Your suggestion on my query was very helpful, and I liked your idea to use my 4th sentence as a hook. I've worked with that idea and would welcome your feedback on my updated query! 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#23 London C

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Posted 18 July 2019 - 06:19 PM

Thanks for the feedback. The story isn't in dual POV, but the query is. But I do that to make it clear.

 

The story is actually all from Donny perspective. And Sandra is chiming in with what she "sees". But the reader knows Donny is not right, because he'll describe a flashlight like a magical torch, but you the reader knows what a flashlight is, so you know the world Donny is seeing is not right.

 

I just found it hard to convey that into a query, so I put the query in dual POV. Also, Sandra is a very important character, so I really needed to show her, as the emotional stakes seem to really lie with her not Donny.

 

My point to the querier in the link was that two POVs in a query isn't really wrong, which is where I thought he might be heading.

 

I suppose there's a small risk that an agent will confuse this for a dual POV query, but my suspicion is if your pages live up to this, it won't matter. The query does a great job at conveying that your novel will be a fun read. 


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#24 Anna.k

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Posted 04 August 2019 - 04:12 PM

Donny says he's a great wizard who can save his world and ours, but only if he can finish his portal (This reads a little confusing. Shouldn't it be Donny believes rather than says, also the his world and ours bit confused me as well as previous commenters) His best friend, Sandra, thinks he's just a 12-year-old boy building a computer to play an online game, and she's pretty sure the world will survive either way.

(But) After his adventure party betrays and robs Donny (How can a party betray and rob him?) of the book that served as a gateway to Eganesia, (Could insert a line about WHAT Eganesia is here, the land of such and such) he enlists the help of Sandra, a great warrior, to help him retrieve the pieces he needs to build a new portal. They (must) take on many quests to earn the gold needed to complete the magical door back home. Once he can return, he will find his father, who went on a quest for a mystical pack of cigarettes and never returned.(Lol cute.) Together, they will stop an evil sorcerer’s reign of terror in Eganesia and our world. (So, we're dealing with 2 worlds here. Might help to clear that up a bit earlier.)

But through Sandra’s eyes, she meets Donny after his friends kick him out of their tabletop role playing game. Lacking friends their age, she helps him retrieve the parts he needs to build a computer, so he can play the online version. They take on some odd jobs, like mowing lawns to earn the money needed to finish their project. (Is this necessary? Seems like extra backstory?) The world may not need saving. A computer may not be the answer to anything. But Donny is the only person who makes her feel appreciated, (Appreciated feels a bit anti-climactic. Maybe sth along the lines of...he's the first real friend she's had...etc) so she’ll do anything to make sure he gets a win. (Or, wins the game, might be more powerful)

DONNY QUINN AND THE QUEST FOR COMPUTER PARTS is a 37,000-word MG Contemporary DON QUIXOTE reimagined, complete with windmill. Lol this sounds adorably fun and adventurous. My main issue is that the world building is a little vague, leaving me with too many questions. Also, unsure what Donny wants at this point. Is it to stop an evil sorcerer, or find his father? I think having multiple goals might be confusing. 

Pls have a peek at my query when you can, thanks!!






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