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The World Watcher


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#1 mwsinclair

mwsinclair

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Posted 04 April 2019 - 11:41 AM

A preface on this post: This is not my manuscript. A writer who has been unable to create a profile reached out to me via email and asked me so post this. She won't be able to respond directly, but she will be reading your comments and feedback.

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

It all starts when a politically involved youth, Gray Dohnrri, witnesses the devastation of his homeland. Like the rest, he is haunted by three questions –

What happened when it rained of Light?

Was it “Heaven’s Punishment” or an attack of the enemy?

And,

How could things be made right?

In the Great War for the Good, Dohnrri is determined to do his bit.

 

Instead, he has to:

Help special forces help the government misrepresent conditions in afflicted regions…

…to fuel war-propaganda.

Be rescued by a mystical tribe from the clutches of the enemy…

…to learn of true kindness.

Risk being killed, for preventing his comrades from using the bounties of foreign lands…

…to foil the sacrifice of the commoners who poisoned them to resist the invasion.

And,

Brainwash the inhabitants of a long-secret oceanic colony into turning upon their old masters…

…to, help his people become their new masters.

He has to then wonder,

Were his own people on the right side of things?

Was that the way to restore his ravaged home?

Meanwhile, the answers to his original questions remain shrouded in mystery. To get them, he must read the signs and travel to the other end of the globe, where the truth set in stone awaits him. Will the quest prove him a True Hero or just a member of the Confounded Mass-murderers?

The World Watcher is a 90, 000-word science fiction novel. It is set in an entirely fictional world with a 20th-century-like era. The story is meant to resonate with the present-day dilemma on what it means to love one’s country – blind devotion to its propaganda or wanting to establish its rightful place in the world.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Di Reyliner

 



#2 Derrick

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Posted 04 April 2019 - 12:31 PM

Dang, where is the crew? It's like a freakin' dystopia in here. Everyone seems to be wandering around the ruins with an empty cup. "Please sir, review my query." But that person doesn't have many reviews themselves.

 

A much different time than the age when these golden halls were lit with the promise of several query reviews.

 

Anyways, I'm glad to help out. My Twitter handle is @wordometer if you have questions. If you are not on Twitter, ask MWSinclair to message me and I'll give them my email.

 

And if you could reciprocate, just light one giant beacon for "It works!" and two giant beacons for "It stinks!"

 

 

 

A preface on this post: This is not my manuscript. A writer who has been unable to create a profile reached out to me via email and asked me so post this. She won't be able to respond directly, but she will be reading your comments and feedback.

 

 

 

Dear Agent,

It all starts when a politically involved youth, Maybe start with age like 16-year-old Gray... Gray Dohnrri, witnesses the devastation of his homeland. Like the rest, he is haunted by three questions –

What happened when it rained of Light?

Was it “Heaven’s Punishment” or an attack of the enemy?

And,

How could things be made right?

In the Great War for the Good, Dohnrri is determined to do his bit.

 

I'm someone who hates questions in queries. They actually don't provide the detail you think they are providing. Here's how I see the hook going down:

 

When XX-year-old Gray Dohnrri witnesses raining light destroy his homeland, he must find out if it was Heaven's Punishment or an attack by the enemy. -- Or what? That's my question. Put the consequences of failing, or something that makes him want to find the answer or anything to keep me hooked into this.

 

Instead, he has to:

Help special forces help the government misrepresent conditions in afflicted regions…

…to fuel war-propaganda.

Be rescued by a mystical tribe from the clutches of the enemy…

…to learn of true kindness.

Risk being killed, for preventing his comrades from using the bounties of foreign lands…

…to foil the sacrifice of the commoners who poisoned them to resist the invasion.

And,

Brainwash the inhabitants of a long-secret oceanic colony into turning upon their old masters…

…to, help his people become their new masters.

I am not feeling this list. Why does he HAVE to do any of this? It also comes across like a shopping list, not business letter meant to give me an idea of what is happening. I'd restructure this and give me the stakes as to WHY I care, WHY he has to do this, etc.

 

He has to then wonder,

Were his own people on the right side of things?

Was that the way to restore his ravaged home?

So again, instead of the questions, say something like "After he does whatever he does (maybe put the brainwashing bit in here if that's what drives him to question), he discovers his people might not be on the right side of things.

 

And honestly, I don't get the second question here at all.

 

Meanwhile, the answers to his original questions remain shrouded in mystery. To get them, he must read the signs and travel to the other end of the globe, where the truth set in stone awaits him. Will the quest prove him a True Hero or just a member of the Confounded Mass-murderers?

Considering my advice above, I'd get rid of this whole paragraph for another sentence at the end of the last paragraph like, "He'll have to decide to be a true hero or a member of the confounded mass-murderers.

 

The World Watcher is a 90, 000-word science fiction novel. It is set in an entirely fictional world with a 20th-century-like era. The story is meant to resonate with the present-day dilemma on what it means to love one’s country – blind devotion to its propaganda or wanting to establish its rightful place in the world.

I'd scratch this bit. If it's in there, it's in there. If you really want to show this, make it more prevalent in the previous paragraphs.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Di Reyliner

 


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?





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