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Love/Sick (women's fiction) - Will return crits


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#1 MirBagley

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Posted 07 April 2019 - 08:29 AM

Dear ,

 

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. The chant of the childhood game loops in Claire’s head as she decides her brother’s fate. How can she possibly force the hands she once played silly games against into a pair of handcuffs? What will happen if she doesn’t? Her solution: denial. It seems to work well for her mom. 

 

Besides, she has her own problems. Nearing thirty, with no marriage prospects in sight, has Claire begging herself not to become bitter. She swears for her next date she’ll show up in sweatpants, sans makeup, two drinks ahead—the truest form of speed dating. 

 

Claire’s denial hits its expiration when more money disappears from her bank account. Ignored addictions don’t fade, they grow. After her baby brother refuses rehab, her only power is to press charges. It’s a risk. The judge could sentence him to rehab, or prison. But it may be the best way to save him. Or lose him forever.

 

While her family life crumbles, her lackluster love life unexpectedly blooms. Things move fast with Barrett, a young politician. Claire’s dream of creating a family of her own finally feels within her grasp. Unfortunately, Barrett’s grasp is a bit too tight. She may not be able to save her brother, but by giving up the future she so desperately wants, she may be able to save herself. 

 

Love/Sick is an 88,000-word women’s fiction manuscript tackling the heartbreaking nature of the opioid epidemic. My own brother is currently serving an 18-year prison sentence as result of an opioid addiction.

 

I hold a degree in journalism from The University of Georgia. Before moving abroad, I was an advertising copywriter and creative director. I currently live in Düsseldorf, Germany.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best,



#2 Derrick

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Posted 07 April 2019 - 12:15 PM

Dear ,

 

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. The chant of the childhood game loops in Claire’s head as she decides her brother’s fate. How can she possibly force the hands she once played silly games against into a pair of handcuffs? What will happen if she doesn’t? Her solution: denial. It seems to work well for her mom. 

 

I'd get rid of the questions. But I really like your opener, but my first impression wasn't so great personally, because of the punctuation oddly enough. It just caused me to read it differently.

 

I'd do your hook like this:

 

One, two, three, four, I declare a thumbwar. The chant of the childhood game loops in Claire's head as she decides whether or not she should force the hands she once played silly games against into a pair of handcuffs. She chooses denial until... (Here I really need to be hooked to keep going here. The first sentence is great, but I need more to help me understand the catch of the book.)

 

Besides, she has her own problems. Nearing thirty, with no marriage prospects in sight, has Claire begging herself not to become bitter. She swears for her next date she’ll show up in sweatpants, sans makeup, two drinks ahead—the truest form of speed dating. 

 

Claire’s denial hits its expiration when more money disappears from her bank account. Ignored addictions don’t fade, they grow. After her baby brother refuses rehab, her only power is to press charges. It’s a risk. The judge could sentence him to rehab, or prison. But it may be the best way to save him. Or lose him forever.

 

While her family life crumbles, her lackluster love life unexpectedly blooms. Things move fast with Barrett, a young politician. Claire’s dream of creating a family of her own finally feels within her grasp. Unfortunately, Barrett’s grasp is a bit too tight. She may not be able to save her brother, but by giving up the future she so desperately wants, she may be able to save herself.  Here, I have two beefs:

 

1) Make this paragraph happen sooner. Do I really need to know about the speed-dating? Doesn't seem relevant for the information I need to understand the premise, stakes, etc.

 

2) Is Barrett bad? Sounds like it. If he is, how is she going to save herself? If he's not, you need to reword some things here. Also, if he's bad, then is the family really within her grasp? So many questions here...

 

Love/Sick is an 88,000-word women’s fiction manuscript tackling the heartbreaking nature of the opioid epidemic. My own brother is currently serving an 18-year prison sentence as result of an opioid addiction.

 

I hold a degree in journalism from The University of Georgia. Before moving abroad, I was an advertising copywriter and creative director. I currently live in Düsseldorf, Germany.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Best,


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#3 Robin LeeAnn

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Posted 12 April 2019 - 11:28 AM

The chant of the childhood game chant loops in Claire’s head as she decides her brother’s fate. One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war. (I think it'd be better if you switch it. Doing the song isn't much of a hook. But it sounds better switched.) How can she possibly force the hands she once played silly games against into a pair of handcuffs? What will happen if she doesn’t? The questions are just confusing and don't work. I'd explain more. Like why is she deciding her brother's fate. How? Her solution: denial. It seems to work well for her mom. lol

 

Besides, she has her own problems. Nearing thirty, with no marriage prospects in sight, has Claire begging herself not to become bitter. She swears she’ll show up in sweatpants, sans makeup, two drinks ahead for her next date, which is the truest form of speed dating. 

 

Claire’s denial hits its expiration when more money disappears from her bank account. (Why is money disappearing?) Ignored addictions don’t fade (What addiction? Does she have one?); they grow. After her baby brother refuses rehab, her only power is to press charges (Press charges for what? Be more specific.). It’s a risk. The judge could sentence him to rehab, or prison (For what?). But it may be the best way to save him. Or lose him forever.

 

While her family life crumbles, her lackluster love life unexpectedly blooms. Things move fast with Barrett, a young politician. Claire’s dream of creating a family of her own finally feels within her grasp. Unfortunately, Barrett’s grasp is a bit too tight. (Explain more.) She may not be able to save her brother, but by giving up the future she so desperately wants, she may be able to save herself. (Nothing to do with Barrett at the end? I'm slightly confused.)

 

Overall, it has a good baseline. It's an interesting plot. I'd just explain what's going on a bit more and switch around the first paragraph.

 

 

(I usually don't edit these, but here's a few pointers:)

Love/Sick (LOVE/SICK is how titles are written.) is an 88,000-word women’s fiction manuscript tackling the heartbreaking nature of the opioid epidemic. My own brother is currently serving an 18-year prison sentence as result of an opioid addiction. (All should be one paragraph. Not sure you have to tell about your brother though. That's debatable.) I hold a degree in journalism from The University of Georgia. Before moving abroad, I was an advertising copywriter and creative director. I currently live in Düsseldorf, Germany.  (The agent doesn't need this information.)



#4 Joseph Isaacs

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Posted 13 April 2019 - 08:45 AM

Dear ,

 

One, two, three, four. I declare a thumb war.ha nice The chant of the childhood game loops in Claire’s head as she decides her brother’s fate. How can she possibly force the hands she once played silly games against into a pair of handcuffs? wow nice and dark and intriguing What will happen if she doesn’t? Her solution: denial. It seemsseemed to work well for her mom. 

 

Besides, she has her own problems. Nearing thirty, with no marriage prospects in sight, has Claire begging herself not to become bitter.um handcuffing him? what happened about that? handcuffing brother equates to being 30 without getting married? 30 isn't even old. She swears for her next date she’ll show up in sweatpants, sans makeup, two drinks ahead—the truest form of speed dating. funny

 

Claire’s denial hits its expiration when more money disappears from her bank account.and all the time we are thinking um, what about the brother in the hand cuffs? Its like: the house is on fire. By the way coffee is ready. and can you pick up the dry cleaning? oh and sandra called. Did you see what the cat did to the sofa? Ignored addictions don’t fade, they grow. After her baby brother refuses rehab, her only power is to press charges. It’s a risk. The judge could sentence him to rehab, or prison. But it may be the best way to save him. Or lose him forever. put this before her problem of not being married and then add Claire has problems of her own after

 

While her family life crumbles, her lackluster love life unexpectedly blooms. Things move fast with Barrett, a young politician. Claire’s dream of creating a family of her own finally feels within her grasp. Unfortunately, Barrett’s grasp is a bit too tight. She may not be able to save her brother, but by giving up the future she so desperately wants, she may be able to save herself.  you lost me here

 

Love/Sick is an 88,000-word women’s fiction manuscript tackling the heartbreaking nature of the opioid epidemic. wow cool topic but you didn't mention that earlier, add that in with the rehab part? My own brother is currently serving an 18-year prison sentence as result of an opioid addiction. i am really sorry to hear that. It's a terrible problem, you have my sympathy

 

I hold a degree in journalism from The University of Georgia. Before moving abroad, I was an advertising copywriter and creative director. I currently live in Düsseldorf, Germany.  On query shark I think they usually say only to list previous publications? could be wrong

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. No problem :-) Very strong overall, you are almost there. Mine is Soul Hosts, if you don't mind returning the favor, it would be appreciated

 

Best,






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