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Awakening

Young Adult Fantasy

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#1 Jackie B

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Posted 23 April 2019 - 11:12 PM

17-year-old Allii has a way with plants. Her harmless talent turns into a murderous trap when she is accused of poisoning her beloved stepmother. 

 

In the Serene Kingdom of Sallonia, home to world’s rarest metal, worst climate and strangest god, women can work in mines until they drop dead, but inherit thrones they can’t. Allii might be a princess, but one with zero dynastic value. Ignored by her father, she spends her days in the company of her plants and that of her childless stepmother, Queen Bellizza.

 

Bellizza dies after eating a rose-apple Allii grew especially for her. Accused of murder, Allii flees her father’s justice, her sole companion a daemon dog who has an opinion about everything, starting with how dangerous it is live among humans, even for humans. She is determined to find Bellizza’s killers, but her clue-hunting quest turns into something far more complicated when she realizes that everything she thought she knew Sallonia’s origins and her own were lies.

 

When a land is built on layers of deception, truth is not only a myth; it can get you killed. Bellizza’s murder is not an isolated crime but the first step in a many-headed conspiracy. If Allii fails to expose its authors, civil war will tear her country into a million bloody shards, devouring the guilty and the innocent alike.

 

AWAKENING is a YA fantasy complete at 95,000 words.

 



#2 Derrick

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Posted 24 April 2019 - 09:03 AM

17-year-old Allii has a way with plants. Her harmless talent turns into a murderous trap when she is accused of poisoning her beloved stepmother. This is a better hook. There might be a way to merge these sentences to allow for some stakes in here, but I think you are definitely on the right track with this.

 

In the Serene Kingdom of Sallonia, home to world’s rarest metal, worst climate and strangest god, women can work in mines until they drop dead, but inherit thrones they can’t. Allii might be a princess, but one with zero dynastic value. Ignored by her father, she spends her days in the company of her plants and that of her childless stepmother, Queen Bellizza.

 

Bellizza dies after eating a rose-apple Allii grew especially for her. Accused of murder, Allii flees her father’s justice, her sole companion a daemon dog who has an opinion about everything, starting with how dangerous it is live among humans, even for humans. She is determined to find Bellizza’s killers, but her clue-hunting quest turns into something far more complicated when she realizes that everything she thought she knew Sallonia’s origins and her own were lies.

 

When a land is built on layers of deception, truth is not only a myth; it can get you killed. I like everything else in here except this sentence. I think the next sentences show it, so I'd just leave it out. Bellizza’s murder is not an isolated crime but the first step in a many-headed conspiracy. If Allii fails to expose its authors, civil war will tear her country into a million bloody shards, devouring the guilty and the innocent alike.

 

AWAKENING is a YA fantasy complete at 95,000 words.

 

Typically, you would update your other post, but seeing as how it's all tumbleweeds in here, I'm sure no one will care.

 

I didn't have much more to add here. I'd wait for a few more opinions before sending it out, but I think its really close.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#3 alibi174

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Posted 25 April 2019 - 05:27 PM

17-year-old Allii has a way with plants. H , but her harmless talent turns into a murderous trap when she is accused of poisoning her beloved stepmother. 

 

In the Serene Kingdom of Sallonia, home to world’s rarest metal, worst climate, and strangest god, women can work in mines until they drop dead, but inherit thrones they can’t (I like this sentence until this last clause. It feels long and confuses your prior clauses a bit). Allii might be a princess, but one with zero dynastic value. Ignored by her father, she spends her days in the company of her plants and that of her childless stepmother, Queen Bellizza.

 

Bellizza dies after eating a rose-apple Allii grew especially for her. Accused of murder, Allii flees her father’s justice, her sole companion a daemon dog who has an opinion about everything, starting with how dangerous it is live among humans, even for humans (this sentence has a bunch of clauses. Can you separate into 2 sentences?). She is determined to find Bellizza’s killers, but her clue-hunting quest turns into something far more complicated when she realizes that everything she thought she knew Sallonia’s origins and her own were lies.

 

When a land is built on layers of deception, truth is not only a myth; it can get you killed. Bellizza’s murder is not an isolated crime but the first step in a many-headed conspiracy. If Allii fails to expose its authors, civil war will tear her country into a million bloody shards, devouring the guilty and the innocent alike.

 

AWAKENING is a YA fantasy complete at 95,000 words.


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query.






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