Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

PRINCE'S CELESTIAL --Fantasy (will critique in return)


  • Please log in to reply
6 replies to this topic

#1 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 08 May 2019 - 04:17 PM

Ok, I'm ready...be brutal! I will happily return the favor and critique back. Please just point me in the right direction :) 

 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

He awoke with her scream on his lips and a vision of cornfields in his mind. He’d found her.
 
Tol has spent his entire life searching for the human girl gifted with the power to save his ruined world. The magic in her blood, and the supernatural connection between them, leads him to the middle-of-nowhere upstate New York.  
 
But when he arrives at the farmhouse, Tol finds the door hanging open and blood spattered across the sagging porch steps. 
 
Murderous warriors from his old world are hunting the girl. If they get to her first, any hope his people have of surviving will disappear in a cloud of blue smoke. 
 
PRINCE'S CELESTIAL is an Urban Fantasy written in alternating POV and is complete at 107,000 words. I feel this novel will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Illona Andrew’s HIDDEN LEGACY series. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.
 
Sincerely,

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query


#2 London C

London C

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 35 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 09 May 2019 - 10:49 AM

 

Ok, I'm ready...be brutal! I will happily return the favor and critique back. Please just point me in the right direction :) 

 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

He awoke with her scream on his lips and a vision of cornfields in his mind. He’d found her.  Queries usually avoid quotes from the book or direct narration like this. Without context, this isn't a hook.
 
Tol has spent his entire life searching for the human girl gifted with the power to save his ruined world. The magic in her blood, and the supernatural connection between them, leads him to the middle-of-nowhere upstate New York.  
 
But when he arrives at the farmhouse, Tol finds the door hanging open and blood spattered across the sagging porch steps. 
 
Murderous warriors from his old world are hunting the girl. If they get to her first, any hope his people have of surviving will disappear in a cloud of blue smoke. 
 
PRINCE'S CELESTIAL is an Urban Fantasy written in alternating POV and is complete at 107,000 words. I feel this novel will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Illona Andrew’s HIDDEN LEGACY series. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.
 
Sincerely,

 

 

 

I'd start again on this. You don't establish the why's of this, so it's hard to tell what the story is. There are a lot of formulas for a successful query, this is one:

 

Start with the hook—what's this book about, what makes it interesting. That's  your first paragraph and isn't more than a few lines. Something like: After Disaster destroyed his world, Tol knows the only way to save it is to find the girl with magic in her blood. But before she can save the world, he has to find her and bandits have captured her. That sucks, but something that tells me what makes your book exciting. 

 

Then give some details about Tol, the world and the girl. I don't have enough information here to suggest anything, but look at other critiques and you'll find plenty to model it one. Once you have that, end  with the dilemma the protagonist will face.

 

There are a lot of guides to queries. I started with the Kilgator method. The main thing is making sure there are enough details on the page that people here can help you refine  your query. Once you have something with a bit more meat on the bones, the people here will help you refine it into a winner :)


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#3 Valmodeus

Valmodeus

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 19 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 May 2019 - 08:21 PM

Unsure how to edit in the forum itself so here ya go:

https://docs.google....it?usp=drivesdk

Here's my query: http://agentquerycon...sky-ya-fantasy/

#4 alibi174

alibi174

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 41 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South

Posted 12 May 2019 - 06:29 AM

Valmodeus, thanks for your reply, but it looks like the google doc you shared doesn't have any changes from my original content. Did you attach the right document? 


If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query


#5 lnloft

lnloft

    LNLOFT

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 537 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 May 2019 - 06:41 PM

(Posting on behalf of Adidab14)

 

Hi there. Here’s my best shot at a critique. Overall, it sounds cool and I definitely want to know more, but I think a little more detail wouldn’t hurt. I’m left with a ton of questions!

You can find my query here but don’t worry about critiquing if you don’t want to. No biggie

http://agentquerycon...sy-by-adidab14/

 

Dear [Agent],

 

He awoke with her scream on his lips and a vision of cornfields in his mind. He’d found her. [I don’t know if this is really necessary. The stuff below it makes me want to find out more, not really this]

 

Tol has spent his entire life searching for the human girl gifted with the power to save his ruined world. The magic in her blood, and the supernatural connection between them, leads him to a farmhouse in the middle-of-nowhere upstate New York. [elaborate on the supernatural connection, why is his world ruined, is it earth?] 

 

But when he arrives at the farmhouse, Tol finds the door hanging open and blood spattered across the sagging porch steps. 

 

Murderous warriors from his old world are hunting the girl. If they get to her first, any hope his people have of surviving will disappear in a cloud of blue smoke. [maybe explain a tiny bit about why she is so important. Is she the only one that can help?]

 

PRINCE'S CELESTIAL is an Urban Fantasy written in alternating POV and is complete at 107,000 words. I feel This novel will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Illona Andrew’s HIDDEN LEGACY series.


If you appreciated my feedback, I'd appreciate yours: Ouroboros

 

Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that instead.


#6 Ajax

Ajax

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 500 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 14 May 2019 - 01:29 AM

 

Ok, I'm ready...be brutal! I will happily return the favor and critique back. Please just point me in the right direction :) 

 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

He awoke with her scream on his lips and a vision of cornfields in his mind. He’d found her. (Save this for the sample pages.)
 
Tol has spent his entire life searching for the human girl gifted with the power to save his ruined world. The magic in her blood, and the supernatural connection between them, leads him to the middle-of-nowhere upstate New York. (Doesn't grab my attention. It's not unique enough for my liking, and it sounds like City of Bones from male point of view. Consider focusing on what makes your story stand out from the pack.) 
 
But when he arrives at the farmhouse, Tol finds the door hanging open and blood spattered across the sagging porch steps. 
 
Murderous warriors from his old world are hunting the girl. (Why?) If they get to her first, any hope his people have of surviving will disappear in a cloud of blue smoke. (Very odd phrase. Too esoteric.)
 
PRINCE'S CELESTIAL is an Urban Fantasy written in alternating POV (But how many POVs? Might be worth mentioning.) and is complete at 107,000 words. I feel this novel will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s LADY MIDNIGHT and Illona Andrew’s HIDDEN LEGACY series. 
 
Thank you for your consideration.
 
Sincerely,

 

 

So, this is basically an outline of a query. It's not even underwritten. I'd call it starving. You have a lot of space to add more details. 

I don't have any idea about Tol's personality. Same goes for the girl. If I don't care about the characters, I don't care about the story. 

The stakes could be made personal for Tol instead of just the world ending. Make him relatable. 

Good luck! 



#7 mwsinclair

mwsinclair

    Elephant with a trunk full of novels

  • Group Moderator
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 4,856 posts
  • Literary Status:published, unagented, media
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Journalist covering U.S. nonprofits, foundations, and life in general. President and Chief Elephant Officer of Elephant's Bookshelf Press, LLC. Since establishing the company in 2012, we have published more than a dozen books, including several short story anthologies and debut novels by several AQC authors including "ScubaSteve" Carman and R.S. Mellette. Midway through 2018, we've already published our first nonfiction title, "Which the Days Never Know," and are putting together an omnibus collection of the Seasons Series of anthologies, with launch expected by the Christmas season. And in 2019, there will be much more, with news to come soon!

Posted 14 May 2019 - 11:28 AM

This reads more like a book description on Amazon than a query; they're different.

 

It reminds me of how Brian Meeks recommends authors write book descriptions, in which you're not really describing the book, you're trying to convey emotions. (A very good book, by the way, though I don't agree with everything he said.)

 

I know queries are sales documents, but they're different from sales copy on Amazon (or wherever fine books are sold...)

 

Part of what is involved is knowing that agents are not reading them like someone scanning Amazon looking for their next reading fix. The query needs to sell you as an author capable of writing a compelling book -- preferably one that won't need massive revisions, has a strong sense of genre, and ideally has an audience ready, willing, and able to buy and share their love of the author's talents.

 

You're getting good feedback above. But I'd basically redo this query. The manuscript may be great. I'm not opposed to the description as you have it, as spare as it certainly is. But know your audience. You're sending this to an agent.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users