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FLOODGATES (Fantasy) by Adidab14


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#1 lnloft

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Posted 10 May 2019 - 05:52 PM

(Posting on behalf of Adidab14)

 

I should mention that this is my first novel and definitely my first query so it may be pretty rough around the edges. Thanks in advance for any and all comments!

 

 

Dear [whoever I can trick into reading this]

 

Gray was never really a dreamer, all he wanted was a normal and happy life. And that’s what he had… until his dreams tore him away from the ones he loved and threatened everything he knew.

 

A simple dream can be ignored, but Gray had been having the same recurring dream night after night and ignoring it was getting harder by the day. When his childhood friend unveiled an art piece she’d been working on, it chilled him to his core and spurs him to search for a deeper meaning to this dream, setting in motion the events that would eventually catapult him into an adventure he never would have believed possible.

 

Gray soon found himself in a strange world teeming with life that is as strange and frightening as it is dangerous. But he knows this place, he’s been there before, every single night when he falls asleep. He didn’t find his way there alone, however. Somewhere out there, someone has been calling to him, leaving a trail for him to follow. Now, he needs to find out why.

 

Flood Gates, my debut novel, complete at a little over 124,000 words, will appeal to fans of both urban and traditional fantasies such as Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Perdido Street Station by China Miéville.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

- Adidab14


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#2 lnloft

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Posted 11 May 2019 - 08:31 AM

(Posting on behalf of dancingdove311)

 

This sounds like it has some really interesting elements. Here are my comments, hope they help! My query is here http://agentquerycon...dancingdove311/ if you’re interested in giving it a look
 
 

[Change this whole thing to present tense—that’s what is typically used for queries. The other overall comment is more detail! Right now it’s too vague to have the kind of impact you’re going for.]
 

Gray was never really a dreamer, all he wanted was a normal and happy life. And that’s what he had… until his dreams tore him away from the ones he loved and threatened everything he knew. [I think the second sentence here is the more interesting half of this paragraph. See if you can bring it to the front. But I’d also like it to be a bit more specific to heighten interest—right now it could mean a lot of things.]
 
A simple dream can be ignored, but Gray had been having the same recurring dream night after night [more details about the dream would make this more exciting] and ignoring it was getting harder by the day. When his childhood friend unveiled an art piece she’d been working on, it chilled him to his core and spurs him to search for a deeper meaning to this dream, setting in motion the events that would eventually catapult him into an adventure he never would have believed possible. [This is too vague to be exciting]
 
Gray soon found himself in a strange world teeming with life that is as strange and frightening as it is dangerous [too vague again]. But he knows this place, he’s been there before, every single night when he falls asleep. He didn’t find his way there alone, however. Somewhere out there, someone has been calling to him, leaving a trail for him to follow. Now, he needs to find out why.
 
Flood Gates, my debut novel [don’t tell them it’s your debut. Just say FLOOD GATES, an urban fantasy, is] complete at a little over 124,000 words, will appeal to fans of both urban and traditional fantasies such as Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Perdido Street Station by China Miéville.


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.


#3 lnloft

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Posted 13 May 2019 - 06:38 PM

(Posting on behalf of Adidab14)

 

Thank you so much for your reply! I will definitely take a crack at your query as well. 
 
I've tried to incorporate your advice and I think it looks a lot better. Hopefully you agree! Let me know if you have any more advice.
Thanks again!
 
 
Gray never really was a dreamer, all he ever wanted was to live a normal and happy life. And that’s what he had… until his dreams tear him away from the ones he loves and threaten everything he knows. 
 
A simple dream can be ignored, but Gray has been having the same dream night after night and ignoring it is getting harder by the day. He begins obsessing upon it, each night trying to explore a little more of the desert in which he finds himself when he closes his eyes. When his childhood friend, an aspiring artist, unveils a painting she’d been working on, the desert landscape he sees chills him to his core. He’s been there before, every single night. It is the first sign that perhaps this little dream is bigger than him, that perhaps there’s something more.
 
Gray is soon confronted by the severity of the situation when the sudden loss of a loved one seems to be related to his dreams. His life is soon consumed by his mysterious nocturnal visions, he dives deeper and deeper until he finds himself in a foreign world as strange and beautiful as it is dangerous. But he knows this place, he’s been there before, the sand beneath his feet is something he has felt far too many times. He didn’t find his way there alone, however. Somewhere out there, someone has been calling to him, leaving a trail for him to follow to this desert world. Now, he needs to find out why.
 
Flood Gates, complete at a little over 124,000 words, will appeal to fans of both urban and traditional fantasies such as Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Perdido Street Station by China Miéville.
 
- Adidab14

Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.


#4 London C

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Posted 14 May 2019 - 11:13 AM

 

Gray is soon confronted by the severity of the situation when the sudden loss of a loved one seems to be related to his dreams.

This doesn't seem  quite right to me—as  this  reads, he still only suspects there is something to his dreams that makes them more than dreams. Does the loss of the loved one give him proof that the dreams are real? Or is it, from what he and the readers know at that point, a weird coincidence that pushes him  to explore his dreams more?  

 

 

 

I felt this was really solid, with the niggle above. The non-query concern I have is the  word count. My impression is that many agents would view that as suspect  for a writer without a publication history. 


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#5 alibi174

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Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:58 PM

Gray never really was a dreamer, all he ever wanted was to live a normal and happy life. And that’s what he had… until his dreams tear him away from the ones he loves and threaten everything he knows. [I really like this hook! I wouldn't change anything]
 
A simple dream can be ignored, but Gray has been having the same dream night after night and ignoring it is getting harder by the day. He begins obsessing upon it,[this feels a little telling rather than showing] each night trying to explore a little more of the desert in which he finds himself when he closes his eyes. When his childhood friend, an aspiring artist, unveils a painting she’d been working on, the desert landscape he sees chills him to his core. He’s been there before, every single night. It is the first sign that perhaps this little dream is bigger than him, that perhaps there’s something more.[I really like this paragraph. My only concern is that you have several lengthy sentences. Can you break one of them up for variety?]
 
Gray is soon confronted by the severity of the situation when the sudden loss of a loved one seems to be related to his dreams.[this sentence is a bit wordy and confusing] His life is soon consumed by his mysterious nocturnal visions, he dives deeper and deeper until he finds himself in a foreign world as strange and beautiful as it is dangerous. But he knows this place, he’s been there before, the sand beneath his feet is something he has felt far too many times. He didn’t find his way there alone, however. Somewhere out there, someone has been calling to him, leaving a trail for him to follow to this desert world.[again, these sentences are wordy and a bit confusing. Consider breaking up a couple of them] Now, he needs to find out why.
 
Flood Gates, complete at a little over 124,000 words, will appeal to fans of both urban and traditional fantasies such as Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman and Perdido Street Station by China Miéville.

If you have a few moments, I'd appreciate your feedback on my query.





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