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Posted 27 May 2019 - 08:50 PM
Newest version here!
Posted 30 May 2019 - 08:23 PM
Any feedback is greatly appreciated! I will happily return the favor if you direct me to your query.
Liss’ soul-sorting ability, which allows her to sense any emotion a person is feeling, makes her a master at deception. She uses this talent to steal dragonhide wallets and Lagonian jewels to help provide for her people, the Extended, who are hunted for fear of the disease that lives in their blood. If you read this phrase out loud, you'll notice that it reads a little clunky. See if you can get it to read smoother. Her thieving exploits have become legendary across the continent.It’s not long before the cruel Lagonian Emperor hears about her exploits and sends the infamous Assassin to dispose of the thief. And once the Assassin has a target, no one escapes his blade.On the run and terrified of what will happen when the Assassin finds her, Liss decides to go on the offensive. If she can discover the secret behind the Lagonians’ newfound immunity to the deadly virus that gives the Extended strange abilities and kills everyone else, the Assassin will die and her people will be left in peace. I was doing pretty well with the query up until this point. The fact that the Lagonians are now immune comes a bit out of nowhere, and also makes me think, well, hey, if they're now immune, isn't that a good thing because now they don't have to fear the Extended? And then I really stumbled wondering why her finding this information will result in the Assassin dying, and why that will save her people. The Assassin was sent after her, so if he dies, then she lives, but how does that extend to the rest of her people being saved?But on her way to Lagonia, Liss encounters a mortally wounded man who has the most complex and interesting soul she’s ever sorted. Despite her urgent need to find the immunity before any more Extended are killed, she stops to save him. By the time Liss discovers that the man is the Assassin who is supposed to kill her, she has already fallen for him.Liss is facing pressure to uncover the secret to the Lagonians’ immunity before more Extended die. But for Liss, the stakes have changed. She’s faced with an impossible choice: kill the man she loves, or lose her people’s only chance of survival. Nice clear stakes.LISS is a Fantasy complete at 107,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s Lady Midnight and Ilona Andrew’s Hidden Legacy series, both for a forbidden love element and rich interplay between the magical and the mundane. [Personalized sentence to the agent.][bio, closing]
Solid query. The only real issue I have is that clunker sentence in the middle that makes me confused about how all these things tie together and why things will happen. If you can explain those things better, I think you'll be in real good shape. Otherwise you've got a nice level of detail that makes things fresh without going overboard. The only other thing, that I'm almost hesitant to suggest because things are working well as is, is to wonder if maybe you can get a bit more of her soul-searching ability in and what exactly that entails. Maybe something a little bit more on how she uses it. It could be that extra thing that makes your query pop even more.
Anyway, nice work, and good luck.
Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.
Posted 30 May 2019 - 09:04 PM
Overall I like this, and I'd want to read more! I think just clearing up whether this is adult or YA is good, but other than that great query.
Here's a link to my query, if you're interested in giving me some feedback: http://agentquerycon...gical-thriller/
Posted 31 May 2019 - 11:20 AM
LNLOFT and AReadingRedSox, thank you so much for your amazing feedback! I have a lot to work on, so I'll get back to work and re-post when I have a new draft. I'll head over to both of your queries and return the favor now. Thanks again!
Posted 10 July 2019 - 06:26 PM
Newest version here!
Okay, I'm back with a revised version based on everyone's awesome feedback. Thank you in advance for your suggestions! I will happily return the favor if you direct me to your query.A couple of notes:1) The protagonists are 20 years old (which I don't mention in my query). I'm not sure if I should call it YA or adult in my last paragraph (it really falls into the New Adult category given the protagonist's age, but to my understanding, that is more of a defunct categorization. Any advice?2) I don't have a title yet, so ignore the boring one I've used as a placeholderDear [Agent],Liss’ soul sorting ability, which allows her to sense any emotion a person is feeling, makes her a master of deception. She uses this talent to steal dragonhide wallets and Lagonian jewels to help provide for her people, the Extended. (Excellent intro)It’s been one year since the Lagonians announced their newfound immunity to the contagion. The disease kills everyone except for the Extended—carriers of the virus whose iridescent skin and inhuman abilities make it impossible for them to hide. (I want a hint as to why they're called the Extended instead of name like Lagonians) Now, emboldened by their immunity, the Lagonians don’t just want to shun the Extended for being diseased. They plan to eradicate them.When the threat approaches her front door, Liss decides to go on the offensive. Her people’s only chance is to destroy the source of the Lagonians’ immunity. (Is there a reason she's not trying to get the immunity for everybody? That seems like an easier solution than genocide.)What began as a simple mission is complicated when Liss falls in love with one of the Lagonians—a man with the most fascinating soul she’s ever sorted. It’s full of darkness and honor, and a torrent of other conflicting emotions that would tear most people apart. But when Liss discovers his true identity, they’re both thrust into more danger than she could have ever imagined.Liss must uncover the secret to the Lagonians’ immunity before more Extended are murdered. But if the immunity is destroyed, the man she loves will become infected along with the other Lagonians. She’s faced with an impossible choice: give up her people’s only chance of survival, or sentence the man she loves to death by the contagion.LISS is a Fantasy novel complete at 108,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Cassandra Clare’s Lady Midnight and Ilona Andrew’s Hidden Legacy series, both for a forbidden love element and rich interplay between the magical and the mundane. [Personalized sentence to the agent.][bio, closing]
This is quite compelling.
Not sure I have a good answer vis-a-vis NA vs Adult. It's definitely not YA with a 20yo protagonist, though. My understanding is NA now exists as mostly YA contemporary with more explicit sexy times and characters old enough that nobody gets worried about it being creepy. It might be useful to think about how this fits in with what you've been reading: does it feel more YA or Adult? If the feel is YA, can you bring the MC and her romantic interest down to 17?
My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques
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