The boys of Asotin are dying.
The golden boy, the popular boy, the loner boy––one by one, they’re being found dead in the small Washington town. At first, their deaths are ruled accidental: nothing more than dumb boys doing dumb things. But as more of them start dying in increasingly violent fashion, it becomes clear there’s nothing accidental about what’s going on in Asotin.
This paragraph really isn’t necessary. I get the boys dying is the focus—the drive of your story—but they’re not who you’re focused on.
Athena Briggs knows the boys
that who are dying. As Asotin High’s star wide receiver, she’s competed side-by-side with them her whole life. And As the biggest player in school, she knows most of them off the field, too. This sentence doesn’t add to the plot. Why does their deaths interest her? One would think as a girl playing on a team of boys, their deaths would open the field up for more females, relieve some pressure of having to be the best, or remove some teenage angst. What I'd expect in that situation would be some of those boys picking a fight with her all the time, some of them trying to hit on her, and maybe, some of them respecting her for how well she played. I honestly can't see her hanging out with all of them after school, not when she's the biggest player and basically showing them up. So, my question: why does she care that they're dying?
Lila Perez also knows the boys
that who are dying. As the smartest girl in the town, she’s tutored most of them at one point or another. And as someone who can’t ever leave a puzzle unsolved, she wants to know why they’re all dying. A stereotype of smart girls vs. jocks, is that they try to date to earn points, are sweet and romantic, or make her life hell. What type does she fall into? Does she like one of the boys she tutored and is he now dead? Just because she likes solving puzzles, doesn’t mean she’d care that they’re dying. Sure, it might bug her that the police haven't solved the crime yet, but what’s the emotional connection. The smartest girl in town will know not to investigate—it would be dangerous and risk whatever future she has her eyes on—so what makes her want to?
Athena and Lila haven’t ever crossed paths before. But when an English assignment throws them together, they find out that they have more in common than they first thought––including an interest in the recent deaths…and in each other. This needs rewording. I understand it’s meant to tie your two MC’s together, but it’s a bit jarring.
With the local police force completely out of their depth, Athena and Lila take it upon themselves to find out the truth behind the boys’ deaths. Why would the police need help? Police solve murders all the time, if they can’t handle it, they phone organizations that can. If you answer why Athena and Lila care to investigate, it will help with this. Soon, they find themselves emerged in the secret, privileged side of Asotin––one that’s far more dangerous than either of them bargained for.
It’s up to Athena and Lila to bring the killer to justice…even if the lines between right and wrong aren’t so clear anymore. Not needed. Your final sentence works in my opinion.
IS THERE SOMEWHERE is a YA psychological thriller complete at 65,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Kara Thomas, ONE OF US IS LYING by Karen McManus, and THIS DARKNESS MINE by Mindy McGinnis.
I like the premise. It sounds like a great story. Your initial hook has me, but the rest just needs a little tweaking. I’ll happily keep checking on your progress