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Awakened (YA Sci-Fi) - Will return crits


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#1 ddcash80

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Posted 24 June 2019 - 09:17 PM

Updated, Revision #9

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding psychic powers. Everyone has the psychic gift, but the spectrum of power leaves some people overflowing and others wanting more. Dax is of the latter, so he has to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home.


A rogue scientist wasn’t happy with his power either, so his illegal experiments turn humans into savage monsters. His first subjects were volunteers but now his operating table is built with tough leather straps. One night, a monster smashes through Dax’s front door, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom is left in a deathly coma.


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with an eager detective while hiding a big secret. Dax tells them the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, who’s lost his humanity, now with pale skin and empty eyes.


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. And the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power he has before he ends up as the next victim on the wrong side of good versus monster.



#2 NoNoNoNo

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Posted 26 June 2019 - 11:01 PM

Hey now. Usually these are too long, it's nice to see someone erring on the side of brevity. I would say erring though, I think you need a little more meat for an agent to chew on here, and some of the ideas aren't completely clear. I'll give my general thoughts on the paragraphs, you write capably enough so no need to go into line edits.

 

 

 

It’s 2035, and 15-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived.

 

The sentence reads a little awkwardly to me. You're using one sentence to describe two things; your hero and your world. The format is kinda "listy" and I don't come out with a really solid hook. Try playing with breaking this into two sentences: a hook with your kickass teenage psychic dealing with crushes and bullies; and the world with the year 2035, aliens, the fact everyone else has psychic powers. Something like that will let you drop all the information you need but still give you some room to really lean into the hook, which is your priority here.

 

 

 

The Zorin seem nice, bringing peace and technology to the planet. It’s the monsters that cause the trouble, wreaking blood and gore – a product of mankind’s tampering science.

 

This is where it falls apart for me. You introduce the Zorin, fine, that works. Then you introduce the monsters, who are causing trouble. What trouble? I guess wreaking blood and gore, whatever that means. So what are the monsters? A product of mankind's tampering science. Hmm. This doesn't explain things for me at all. Did the monster first arrive when the Zorin did? What do they actually do? Do they literally shoot blood and gore at people or are they just really violent? (because if so it doesn't match the next paragraph where the best friend simply shows up at the front door.) 

 

I don't know what these things mean:

  • wreaking blood and gore
  • a product of mankind's tampering science

 

 

As the monsters grow rampant and the aliens conspire against the Earth, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. Especially when the next monster to show up at his doorstep is his best friend, with pale skin and blackened eyes. 

 

This gets things back on track, although still a little unclear. I think most of this would work if I had a better idea of what the monsters and aliens actually were. I would kill that "learn to use the little power" clause. 'Dax must protect his family' is a stronger theme than 'Dax must learn to use his weak powers'. The end works well enough for me.

 

Overall:

You've got some room to flesh this out a little more. I could use a bit clearer idea of the whole alien/monster business but that's not your main problem. What I'm missing in the pitch is a voice and a personality. Sure, give people the 5 w's or whatever, but you absolutely have to leave them with an impression of who you are as a writer and a storyteller. The people you're hitting up spend hours trudging through this crap and you have 30 seconds of their time. If you can make that 30 seconds fun and enjoyable they'll love you for it. Spend less effort trying to get all the elements of a pitch down on the paper and more effort making those elements into a real pitch. You don't have to turn it into a knock-knock joke but give the reader something to laugh, smile, or cringe about. 



#3 AsperBlurry

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Posted 28 June 2019 - 07:48 AM

Hey, thanks so much for your feedback, I'm returning the favor :) 

 

**Returning crits:**
*Still deciding if I will keep or delete the blue part. Thoughts?*

Dear Agent,

15-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived.

It’s 2035 though, and Dax still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night. Cool hook!

A harsh scream sends Dax running to his mom’s bedroom, and he finds her limp body hanging in the air. A grisly monster strangles her with an invisible force, but Dax jumps to action, knocking it out of the window as it flees into the night. At the police station, Dax’s rapid pulse doesn’t get a rest though, sitting face to face with an alien detective who has fiery yellow eyes and a penchant for reading minds.

The aliens seem nice, bringing peace and technology to the planet. It’s mankind who takes the blame for the monsters, thanks to the curiosity of science, and illegal experiments. The first subjects were volunteers, but now the monsters are born from unwilling patients, strapped to metal beds before put under a knife. i think you should keep it. gives us more angst & drama. 

As the monsters grow rampant and the aliens act suspicious, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to fight back. And more importantly, figure out who the real enemy is — monster, alien, or human — before he ends up like his best friend, with pale skin and blackened eyes, another monster on the side of evil.  love it!  But, I'm not sure what's Dax's drive to stop the monsters. is it because of them killing his mum & best friend? I'd add this info to show his determination. Also, why does he have to fight BACK? I mean, do they attack him or someone else or are all people in danger & he wants to help them? In your hook, you mentioned that everyone was given psychic powers so what's so special about Dax? Revenge, or maybe it turns out his skills are more special? 

 

Overall, it's a decent query & I'd like to read the book. Hope it helps & Good luck :)

 

If you're interested, I posted a new version of my query. Actually 2 because I can't decide which one is better, haha. 

 

 

******

Old Version:
It’s 2035, and 15-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived.

The Zorin seem nice, bringing peace and technology to the planet. It’s the monsters that cause the trouble, wreaking blood and gore – a product of mankind’s tampering science.

As the monsters grow rampant and the aliens conspire against the Earth, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. Especially when the next monster to show up at his doorstep is his best friend, with pale skin and blackened eyes.


Please consider a re-critique http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=360734


#4 Derrick

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Posted 05 July 2019 - 10:52 AM

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived. It’s 2035 though, and he still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.

 

I love your whole query. but this red part above, I just can't shake how jarring it felt to me the first time, and I keep coming back to it.

 

I'm just giving a shot at trying to tighten the whole thing a bit:

 

"Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived. It’s 2035 though, and he still hasn’t seen an alien, but that changes when a monster breaks into Dax's house."

 

I can't really explain why what you have didn't work for me. But it is almost like you expected me to know that was significant, and it also made an assumption that a monster was easier to see than an alien? I think it's just easier to go straight into the action.

 

First is the monster, human turned grisly creature by illegal experiments. It breaks into Dax’s house, strangling his mom, but Dax jumps to action, knocking the savage out of the window as it flees into the night.


Afterward, Dax doesn’t get to rest his nerves, sitting face to face with an alien detective and looking into their fiery yellow eyes for the first time. According to his uncle, the aliens are harmless though, bringing peace and technology when they came to the planet.

 

The monsters cause the bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is—monster, alien, or human—before he ends up like his best friend, who shows up with pale skin and empty eyes, a monster on the side of evil.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#5 London C

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Posted 10 July 2019 - 01:35 PM

**Returning crits:**

Version #3:

Dear Agent,
 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived. It’s 2035 though, and (use something that shows how much time has passed: we don't now when the aliens arrived, so 2035 is meaningless) he still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.

 

First is the monster, human turned grisly creature by illegal experiments. ​(This sentence is grammatically a mess: you're missing some words and punctuation.)  It breaks into Dax’s house, strangling his mom, but Dax jumps to action, knocking the savage out of the window as it flees into the night. (At the risk of being overtly PC, I'd avoid the use of savage. It has colonialist overtones that could put off an otherwise friendly agent.)


Afterward, Dax doesn’t get to rest his nerves, sitting face to face with an alien detective and looking into their fiery yellow eyes for the first time. According to his uncle, the aliens are harmless though, bringing peace and technology when they came to the planet. (This confused me: you set this up as if the aliens invaded, then it turns out they're working as detectives. I can imagine this working in the MS, but in the query, it's demands perhaps more information than you can get in)

 

The monsters cause the bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is—monster, alien, or human—before he ends up like his best friend, who shows up with pale skin and empty eyes, a monster on the side of evil(This might be too much information to introduce as part of your closer.)

This sounds like a charming story, but I found the query a bit complicated. I'm not sure I really know what the story is about at this point. 


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#6 ddcash80

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Posted 10 July 2019 - 09:26 PM

This sounds like a charming story, but I found the query a bit complicated. I'm not sure I really know what the story is about at this point. 

Thx for feedback. I'm wondering why you thought the aliens invaded?

 

maybe this line?: "wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived."

Did you think the psychic powers were given out by the army or something to fight aliens?

 

Because it's actually supposed to mean that the aliens arrived peacefully and gave mankind psychic powers as a gift.

 

But maybe I can change it to: "wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone by the aliens when they arrived"?



#7 NoNoNoNo

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Posted 11 July 2019 - 11:17 PM

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived. It’s 2035 though, and he still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night. - Nice hook to set the stage

 

First is the monster, a human turned grisly creature by illegal experiments. It breaks into Dax’s house, strangling his mom, but Dax jumps to action, knocking the savage out of the window as  and it flees into the night. - I think this (and the next sentence) could still be condensed a bit. If Dax is knocking monsters out of windows it can be assumed he's jumped to action. My version would be:

'First a monster - a human twisted savagely by illegal experiments - breaks into Dax's house and starts strangling his mom. Dax knocks the creature out the window and it flees into the night. Afterward Dax finds himself looking into the fiery yellow eyes of an alien detective.'

 

Maybe play around and see if you can get this tighter. 

 

Afterward, Dax doesn’t get to rest his nerves, sitting face to face with an alien detective and looking into their fiery yellow eyes for the first time. According to his uncle, the aliens are harmless though, bringing peace and technology when they came to the planet. - For the first time is redundant. 

 

The monsters cause the bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is—monster, alien, or human—before he ends up like his best friend, who shows up with pale skin and empty eyes, a monster on the side of evil.

 

#

This is shaping up pretty well. I think you're on the right track here. I think there's a little bit of a jump between the setup and the conclusion. You get the character and world out there well. You describe what starts the whole story, the monster breaking into his house. Then you jump to the end. All of it works reasonably well, but there's a gap for me between the breakin and the conclusion. 



#8 Derrick

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Posted 12 July 2019 - 08:07 AM

I think yo

 

Thx for feedback. I'm wondering why you thought the aliens invaded?

 

maybe this line?: "wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone when the aliens arrived."

Did you think the psychic powers were given out by the army or something to fight aliens?

 

Because it's actually supposed to mean that the aliens arrived peacefully and gave mankind psychic powers as a gift.

 

But maybe I can change it to: "wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone by the aliens when they arrived."

I think you are putting too much back story into your hook.

 

Like I was trying to get at earlier: I think there's a lot of assumptions there that I'm just not getting.

 

My suggestion is to make your hook as punchy as possible, not weighed down by details. Then in your body, definitely tell me they arrived and gave physic powers peacefully.

 

So for instance, in the hook have maybe:Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers. Then move onto an incident with stakes.

 

Then in your body, expound upon the details of how he got the powers.


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?


#9 ddcash80

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Posted 12 July 2019 - 08:10 AM

Two new versions in original post

#10 London C

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Posted 14 July 2019 - 11:21 AM

**Returning crits:**

I now have 2 versions which I am struggling to decide which one is better. One is more Plot-driven while the other is World-driven. If you can tell me which one you like better that would be great. That’s more important, and you can Crit that one if you have time. Thx.

Plot-driven:

Everyone has psychic powers, but some weren’t satisfied, so they used scalpels and science until monsters were born. Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter hates himself more than the monsters though, since he’s the one who killed his best friend’s parents. 

 

The opening clause is a little vague. I think I'd focus on the hook (Dax hates himself more than monsters, since he killed his BFF's parents) and leave the rest to body.


At least that’s what he tells himself as he lies awake at night. In reality, when Dax and his friend Seven are camping, a black monster creeps from the darkness and rips through their camp, leaving dead parents, a missing friend, and Dax unconscious.


Dax could’ve done more to help, so he blames himself, and he’s not the only one. His best friend shows up at his doorstep with pale skin and empty eyes, turned into one of the wretched monsters with a bloody wrath. And their reunion ends with broken bones and Dax’s mom in the hospital.


Both seek revenge and the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and to stand a chance against the monster that wears his best friend’s face, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given before he himself ends up on the wrong side of the scalpel.

 

It's not clear why being attacked by a monster would lead Dax on the wrong side of the scalpel. Are the monsters taking control of the world and forcing people into monster-making surgery? 

Word-driven:
Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding the psychic powers that were given to everyone by the aliens when they arrived. (This is really complex: can you simplify it to something like: not to mention wielding psychic powers?) It’s 2035 though, and (the date doesn't tell me anything) Dax still hasn’t seen an alien . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night. (Trimmed down, this is really hooky.)

First is the monster – a human turned grisly creature by illegal experiments. It breaks into Dax’s house, strangling his mom, but Dax jumps to knocks the beast out of the window and it flees into the night.

Afterward, Dax doesn’t get to rest his nerves, sitting face to face with an alien detective and looking into their fiery yellow eyes for the first time. According to his uncle, the aliens are harmless though, bringing peace and technology when they came to the planet.

The monsters cause the bloodshed and gore. And soon they grow rampant as the aliens conspire against the Earth, so Dax must learn to use the little power he was given to protect his family and his town. More importantly though, Dax needs to figure out who the real enemy is – monster, alien, or human – before he ends up as one of the dark monsters, just like his best friend.

 

The plot-driven query's hook doesn't have the sense of humor of the World-driven query. That makes it hard for me to decide which one is better, because I don't know which one reflects the voice of the book better. I'm inclined to say go with the World-driven hook, but stick with a plot-driven body. The stakes are clearer, although I think you probably need a fresh take on the actual words. 


——————

My latest query is here. I appreciate reciprocal critiques


#11 Sreid

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Posted 15 July 2019 - 03:16 PM

Updated, Revision #5

 

Query writing is hell. It's like fishing a coin you swallowed out of the toilet. You have to go through a lot of sh*t to get anything valuable, and even then, you'll get your hands dirty and probably feel like throwing up. There's no cut and dried formula for good queries, and they're a lot harder to write than a novel.

 

Two core concepts most good queries cover are conflict and motivation. A good place to start is by answering these three simple questions in this order:

1. What does your protagonist want?
2. What does s/he have to do to get it?
3. What happens if s/he fails to get what s/he wants? (the stakes).

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush This is backstory and probably unnecessary., not to mention wielding alien psychic powers. In exchange for their place on the planet, they gave all of mankind the gift. Dax still hasn’t seen an alien though . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.


Dax’s best friend had been missing for weeks, but he shows up at Dax’s doorstep with pale skin and empty eyes, turned into a monster. It’s mankind’s fault though. Some aren’t satisfied with their power, so they use scalpels and science until monsters are born. So, Mr. Best Friend used a scalpal and science on himself to intentionally turn himself into a monster? Why? Unmotivated action will kill any story for me.


Now savage, Dax’s friend lashes out, leaving Dax’s mom in the hospital, and Dax has to tell the story to an alien detective who gets the better details by reading Dax’s mind. No he didn't, at least not according to your next sentence. But Dax fights the mental invasion, only revealing that the culprit was a “monster”, so he can be the one who deals with his childhood friend.

 

Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend as his town falls under attack. I like the conflicting emotions. Monsters rampage in the daylight while aliens conspire in the shadows. To protect his family and save his town, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given. More importantly though, he needs to figure out who the worst enemy is monster, alien, or human before he ends up as one of the dark monsters, just like his best friend. So, is he afraid he'll take a scalpel and science to himself for some unexplained reason, or is someone else making people into monsters?

You have a plot here, and I see some of what's at stake, but I have difficulty seeing the motivation. I hope some of my comments helped.



#12 ddcash80

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Posted 17 July 2019 - 01:59 PM

New version in original post

#13 ddcash80

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 10:20 AM

Still working on this, and will return crits. New version in original post

#14 Anna.k

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 11:48 AM

Updated, Revision #6

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding alien psychic powers.(Ok I like the part about alien powers but it is a bit confusing; is Dax an alien or can she/he somehow connect with aliens? Also confused about the gender because of the neutral name) In exchange for their (who, the aliens?) place on the planet, they gave all of mankind the psychic gift. (Ah, but why?) Dax still hasn’t seen an alien though . . . or a monster, but that all changes in the span of one night.


First is the monster (This sentence seems awkward) A rogue scientist wasn’t happy with his power, so his illegal experiments turn man (or woman) into grisly monster (Huh now really confused, first you're talking about aliens and now monsters too..? Are they two different things?) One breaks into Dax’s house, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom isn’t as lucky. She’s stuck in the hospital.(Reword this to something like, Dax is attacked and left unconscious...not sure you need to add the mom bit)


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with an alien detective (Ok, still not sure why the aliens would give everyone this gift or what the gift entails) who gets the better details by reading minds. But Dax empties his thoughts, and only reveals that the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, with pale skin and empty eyes.(Need to reword this. Basically, he finds out his best friend is a monster - GASP - of some sort. Who attacked him for...what reason?)


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. (Revenge for what? Hurting the mom? Shouldn't be asking the question WHY his friend attacked him? )And the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control.(What does this mean?? Need way more info about these 'monsters'..is it like a zombie disease of some sort?  a side effect of the alien psychic gift? If so that needs to be made WAY clearer...) To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power he was given before he ends up as the next victim on the wrong side of good versus monster.

 

Soo this sounds like an interesting/fun story but the query is extremely vague and confusing at this point...Need to make a distinction between the aliens and the monsters, why the aliens invaded/what they want, and how this all ties in with Dax's world. From the end sentences it seems like the plot and stakes is helping his friend from being consumed by his monster side, or turning him in, and if so, that should be forefront of the story. The aliens seem kind of sub plot right now and I'm not sure how they all tie into each other.

Would appreciate a look at my query as well, thank you!!

 

http://agentquerycon...d-2-ya-fantasy/



#15 ddcash80

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Posted 01 August 2019 - 12:07 PM

updated in original post



#16 SuzieTheWriter

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Posted 01 August 2019 - 12:07 PM

Updated, Revision #7

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding psychic powers. I like this hook---I can kind of see it on the back of the book kind of start. Everyone has the psychic gift now, some more than others. Dax is one of the unlucky few, Does this mean he has too many powers or not enough? so he’ll have to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home.


A rogue scientist wasn’t happy with his power either, so his illegal experiments turn man (or woman) humans into grisly monsters. One breaks through Dax’s front door, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom isn’t as lucky. She’s stuck in the hospital.


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with a detective while hiding a big secret. Dax tells them that the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, who now has pale skin and empty eyes. How exactly does the bold relate to the transformation into a grisly monster?


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. And the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power Ah! he was given before he ends up as the next victim on the wrong side of good versus monster.

 

I feel like I'm still missing a piece of information connecting the rogue scientists and what happened to Dax and his friend.


Please check out my latest query:

http://agentquerycon...antic-thriller/


#17 Gabe S.

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Posted 01 August 2019 - 08:08 PM

Updated, Revision #8

Hey! So, thank Apple that I can’t use the full editor and stuff like italics and strike through on my iPad Bluetooth keyboard. Anywho, if you don’t mind, I deleted what I changed and left parentheses on what I added. Whatever I changed can obviously be re-worded to match your MS. They’re just suggestions to how to reword. Good luck!

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding psychic powers. Everyone has the psychic gift now (I’d get rid of ‘now’. Say “Most have many psychic gifts, an unfortunate few have just one or two. Dax belongs to the latter.” or something of this nature), but some more than others. Dax is one of the unlucky few, so (H)e’ll have to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home.[/size]

A rogue scientist (bereft of powers and yearning to be equal), (preforms) illegal experiments turn(in) humans into savage monsters. His first subjects were volunteers but now his operating table is built with tough leather straps (I like—you show). One of the monsters smashes through Dax’s front door, (knocking Dax unconscious) while his mom is left in a deathly coma.[/size]

(After waking and being detained by the police), Dax has to sit with a detective (and struggle to) (hide) a big secret. Dax tells them the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, (who barely resembles a human, and acts like even less so.)[/size]

Dax is torn between (vengeance for his mother) and saving his friend (who may be unaware of his actions). (The) two friends clash as (other) monsters (let loose by the scientist, roam) out of control. To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power he (has) before he ends up as the next victim (in the batter between) good versus monster.[/size]


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...a-sci-fi/page-2


#18 janeald

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Posted 17 August 2019 - 06:06 PM

Updated, Revision #9

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, and not to mention, he wieldsing psychic powers. Everyone has the psychic gift, but the spectrum of power leaves some people overflowing and others wanting more. Dax is of the latter, so he has to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home. (this doesn't seem to correlate with his psychic ability)


A rogue scientist wanted to expand his power beyond his psychic abilities wasn't happy with his power either, and begins so his illegal experiments to turn humans into savage monsters. His first subjects were psychic (?not seeing the correlation to the psychic abilities so I'm not sure if my suggestions relate) volunteers but now his operating table is built with tough leather straps. One night, a monster smashes through Dax’s front door, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom is left in a deathly coma.


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with an eager detective while hiding a big secret. Dax avoids revealing details about the monster. the monstells them the attacker was a “monster,” so hHe wants to can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his now with pale skin and empty-eyed best friend, who’s lost his humanity, now with pale skin and empty eyes.


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. And tThe two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. To save his town and possibly(maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little psychic power he has before he ends up as the scientists next victim. He fights against joining on the wrong side of good versus monster.

Interesting plot! I hope my suggestions help make it more clear!

 

I'd love your feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...girls/?p=361490 !



#19 fatalkiss19

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Posted 27 August 2019 - 12:47 AM

Updated, Revision #9

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope deal with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention and wielding psychic powers. Everyone has the psychic gift, but the spectrum of power leaves some people overflowing and others wanting more (Can you explain this better? It's confusing). Dax is of the latter, so he has to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home. (Reword this, it's confusing. Why is a monster breaking into his house?)


A rogue scientist wasn’t happy with his power either, so his illegal experiments turn humans into savage monsters. His first subjects were volunteers but now his operating table is built with tough leather straps. One night, a monster smashes through Dax’s front door, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom is left in a deathly coma. (With this paragraph being about the monster you should delete the monster info from the first paragraph. Why isn't the scientist happy with his power? What makes the humans turn into monsters?)


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with an eager detective while hiding a big (use a better word) secret. Dax tells them the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, who’s lost his humanity, now with pale skin and empty eyes.


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. And the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power he has before he ends up as the next victim on the wrong side of good versus monster.

Your query has some good bones, just needs the meat. What would you be comparing your book to? What's the title, genre, and word count?



#20 kassamarandra

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Posted 28 August 2019 - 03:25 PM

Updated, Revision #9

 

Fifteen-year-old Dax Carter has a lot to cope with: homework, bullies, and a secret crush, not to mention wielding psychic powers. Everyone has the psychic gift, but the spectrum of power leaves some people overflowing and others wanting more. Dax is of the latter, so he has to fight with all his might when a monster breaks into his home. (I'd lead with psychic powers and the monster breaking into his home. Then I'd lead into that he's not particularly gifted with them, even though some people are, and go from there.) 


A rogue scientist wasn’t happy with his power either, (this POV flip feels strange. Try to phrase this from Dax's POV) so his illegal experiments turn humans into savage monsters. His first subjects were volunteers but now his operating table is built with tough leather straps. One night, a monster smashes through Dax’s front door, and Dax is knocked unconscious while his mom is left in a deathly coma. (this feels like going back since you've already brought up the monster.)


If that wasn’t nerve-racking enough, Dax has to sit with an eager detective while hiding a big secret.(what secret? this is vague and cliche) Dax tells them the attacker was a “monster,” so he can be the one who deals with the real culprit – his best friend, who’s lost his humanity, now with pale skin and empty eyes. (whoa, this information is the big secret? Don't bury this.) 


Dax is torn between revenge and the lingering hope to save his friend. And the two friends clash as the monsters grow out of control. To save his town and (maybe) his best friend, Dax must learn to use the little power he has before he ends up as the next victim on the wrong side of good versus monster. (I love this turn of phrase here, but I think it should start the final sentence and let the stakes unfold from there. "In a fight of Good vs Monster... to save not only the town, but  also maybe his best friend.") 

Overall, this query feels like the important information always comes a beat too late. eg. monster attack, mom in coma, soulless bestie. 

 

Hope my comments help. And if you have time, I'd appreciate you taking a look at my query here

Cas






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