Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Tales of the Black Swan


  • Please log in to reply
2 replies to this topic

#1 David M

David M

    Author and Editor

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 14 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, industry insider
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand
  • Publishing Experience:Invincible, published in 2016 by First Edition Design (Florida, USA). Available as ebook and paperback through all online bookstores

Posted 03 July 2019 - 07:54 PM

Ok (*takes deep breath*)... here's a snippet from my current WIP.  Setting is London, 1598.

 

I bent to retrieve a blanket from the floor, picked up a mug from the bedside cabinet and tiptoed to the open window. Outside, at the end of the narrow alley, the river congealed against a rotting, slime-encrusted jetty, a flat, muted band resisting the light of the coming sun. It was the colour of the pewter mug I held. The pre-dawn air was crisp for June, and I shivered and pulled the blanket tighter around my naked shoulders. The stink of the day had not yet started to build, but it was there as always, the stench of rot, putrescence and raw sewage that lingered in the nose and throat, a reminder that soon enough, within an hour or so, it would once again rule the city.

I glanced over my shoulder as a loud fart issued from the man on the bed. I hoped he was still asleep. A man of God, this one, a travelling priest, perhaps even a papist. Not that it mattered. They are all the same in the end. They all want the same thing. I turned back to the window and took a large swig of ale from the mug. I swilled it in my mouth for several long seconds then, satisfied I had cleansed every last trace of him, leaned out of the window, hawked up a wad of phlegm for good measure, and spat the whole wet, congealed mess into the street below.

 


David Makinson

 

Author of Invincible, Volume 1 of the Tanner Archives

 

https://www.amazon.c...,aps,400&sr=8-1

 

Principal Editor, Sharpedge Editing 

https://sharpedit.weebly.com/

 

Email:

dmakinson.editor@gmail.com


#2 chellina216

chellina216

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 44 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 18 July 2019 - 09:10 AM

Hello David M,

 

I thought this was well-written. I don't have much to add except for little nitpicky things.  If you're close to a final draft and want to trim your word count, then I suggest looking for anything that's a verb + to . For example:   I bent to retrieve a blanket from the floor can be I retrieved a blanket from the floor.

 

Also, I feel like with longer sentences, it's easier for the reader to get lost.  For example: Outside, at the end of the narrow alley, the river congealed against a rotting, slime-encrusted jetty, a flat, muted band resisting the light of the coming sun. I re-read this a couple times to get the visual correct in my head. If this is the first time the reader is seeing the view from this window, then maybe break up the sentence to describe the full picture first. Outside, (description of the setting, maybe add if there are any people). At the end of the narrow alley... One more thing.  I think moving the river's description closer to the subject will help clarify the image (because mentioning the jetty pulls me away from the subject. The sentence talks about the river, then the jetty, then the river again. What if it was about the river, and then the jetty?) For example: the river--a flat, muted band resisting the light of the coming sun--congealed against a rotting, slime-encrusted jetty.

 

Since this is a snippet, I'm not sure if it's more towards the beginning or not, but I can see a nice character arc for the protagonist. 

 

Hope this helps. I think you're heading in the right direction. 



#3 David M

David M

    Author and Editor

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 14 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, industry insider
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand
  • Publishing Experience:Invincible, published in 2016 by First Edition Design (Florida, USA). Available as ebook and paperback through all online bookstores

Posted 18 July 2019 - 09:33 PM

Thanks Chellina - great feedback.

 

:smile:


David Makinson

 

Author of Invincible, Volume 1 of the Tanner Archives

 

https://www.amazon.c...,aps,400&sr=8-1

 

Principal Editor, Sharpedge Editing 

https://sharpedit.weebly.com/

 

Email:

dmakinson.editor@gmail.com





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users