(Posting on behalf of dancingdove311)
Dear (agent name),
I’m seeking representation for my YA paranormal thriller, ENDING SPELL, complete at 89,000 words. (Personalized greeting) (Only include a personalized greeting if you have corresponded with the agent before, are referencing a specific #MSWL item, or have another connection like having met them at a conference. If you don't have much a connection, I'd move the housekeeping stuff down to before the bio, but that's personal preference.)
It’s hard being a teenage ghost hunter, especially when your own brother is one of the dead. Zara Gerero loves her twin dearly, yet each passing day makes his ghost more unstable, more dangerous What makes him dangerous? Specifics will up the tension. Unless she finds a way to free his spirit, sooner or later he’ll lose control, and Zara will end up a goner How would his losing control hurt Zara? Make the connection explicit, too.
Meanwhile, in his quiet lakeside town, Cole Heron wants nothing more than an ordinary life, but his best friend is the ghost of a girl long-dead. Though he tries to rationalize his way out of it, he can’t help but feel more for her than he’d like to admit. Much more. (It's usually better to keep queries from a single POV. See if you can include this information, but from Zara's POV. It helps keep the tension high so that the reader doesn't have to start over connecting with a second MC in paragraph two. You can always mention that the book is dual POV in the housekeeping section).
Zara and Cole’s paths collide when the same dark force Too vague--I'd like more specifics on the dark force that murdered Zara’s brother steals away Cole’s family I think maybe the fact that Zara's brother was murdered should be brought up earlier. The two join together on a mission to hunt down and destroy the thing that wreaked havoc on their lives, but in order to free her brother, Zara must hide a dark secret from Cole. Her success will mean the end of Cole’s best friend as well Is this the secret she's hiding? It's not clear. You either need to clarify the secret, or connect these sentences somehow. Yet the closer they get to the dark force, the more Zara suspects Cole’s not the only one being deceived. This last sentence doesn't help me understand the stakes. Make them really clear!
This sounds like a cool story, I just need more specifics to really help the tension stay high and to show how, exactly, your story is unique. I hope my comments help! My query is at http://agentquerycon...dancingdove311/