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THE PRINCE AND THE SPIDER - ROUND 2!!! YA FANTASY


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#1 Anna.k

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Posted 24 July 2019 - 12:48 PM

THREAD CLOSED FOR QUERYING! WISH ME LUCK!



#2 CS29

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Posted 24 July 2019 - 06:39 PM

Hey Anna, thanks for your advice on my query. Thought I'd return the favor.

 

Sixteen-year-old Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked down at her attacker's body. I like your hook here, but the end feels less dramatic than the beginning. Could you reword it a little? Like she didn't know her eyes could kill, until they did? Something more...exciting(?) I guess.

 

But he had it coming. Ever since she arrived, the master of the orphanage has been punishing her for powers she can’t explain. Personally, I'd find a way to combine the first two lines here, make it punchier. When her long lost aunt rescues her from justice, Lena discovers that they are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who can inflict pain, even death, using only their eyes. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with all  most of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Eye Magic buried. 

 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, he’s nothing like she expects, and she finds herself falling for the enemy. Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Either she gives her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she is, or to the family to whom she's bound—live an impossible lie, or kill for the Kingdom, and become evil for good. I like your setup and stakes here, but you might break this last line into two. Just a suggestion.



#3 lnloft

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Posted 24 July 2019 - 08:26 PM

(Posting on behalf of dancingdove311)

 

 

Sixteen-year-old Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked down at her attacker's body. This phrasing feels odd to me--if her eyes killed him, then when she looked at him he was still alive, and thus more than a body. I like the general idea of this hook, but I think you need to rephrase slightly.

But he had it coming. Ever since she arrived, the master of the orphanage has been punishing her for powers (what kind punishment? What kind of powers? So far you only mentioned the power to kill) she can’t explain. When her long lost aunt rescues her from justice (referring to it as justice makes it sound like Lena's pursuers are in the right, I'm not sure if that's what you're going for since you said this inspired by Cinderella as a villain, but I thought I'd mention it), Lena discovers that they are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who can inflict pain, even death, using only their eyes. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with all of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Eye Magic buried.

 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to-be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, he’s nothing like she expects (Can you make this more specific?), and she finds herself falling for the enemy. Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Either she gives her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she is, or to the family to whom she's bound—live an impossible lie, or kill for the Kingdom, and become evil for good.

 

The idea of Cinderella as a villain is intriguing! One thing I noticed is that the Eye Magic seems very important at the beginning of the query and then doesn't feel important at all at the end. Maybe see if you can keep from losing it in the shuffle.

 

Thanks for looking at my query, I hope my comments help!


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#4 JDSmith

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 03:11 AM

Hello lovely and helpful creatures!!

I've revised this heavily since it's been posted here but it seems not enough! No bites yet!! I need help! What's wrong with my query??

Thanks and of course willing to return the favor!

 

 

 

Dear (Agent)

 

Please consider THE PRINCE AND THE SPIDER, a YA Low Fantasy of 106,000 words, inspired by Cinderella as a villain. I thought you might enjoy it (Queryshark said agents don't like it when you say "enjoy". instead maybe say "I decided to send this letter to you because...")based on (agent personalization...)

 

Sixteen-year-old Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked down at her attacker's assailant's body.

 

But he had it coming. (Who was it? When did it happen? is it important to the plot?) Ever since she arrived, the master of the orphanage has been punishing her for powers she can’t explain. Before she can be held accountable for her crimes, her long lost Aunt rescues her and informs her of what she really is. When her long lost aunt rescues her from justice, (oh so she killed the master of the orphanage? I think a lil rewording can make that much more clear. haha) Lena discovers that t They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline of notorious weapons for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who can inflict pain, even death, using only their eyes. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with all of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Eye Magic buried.

 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

 

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, he’s nothing like she expects, and she finds herself falling for the enemy. Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Either she gives her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she is, or to the family to whom she's bound—live an impossible lie, or kill for the Kingdom, and become evil for good. I like this entire chunk right here!

 

Perhaps run this through another draft. I think it's pretty close. I felt myself really getting invested by "Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal" to the end.

 

Good luck!

 

-JD


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#5 Anna.k

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 09:08 AM

Thanks everyone for the uber helpful advice. Here's the latest revised::

 

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked at her attacker and told him to drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Ever since Lena arrived, he’s been abusing her for powers she can’t explain. When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom and take her to Swabia, Lena learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who can inflict pain, even death, using only their eyes. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with most of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Eye Magic buried. 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness and charm takes her by surprise, and she finds herself falling for the enemy.

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Either she gives her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she is, or to the family to whom she's bound. Keep her magic forever hidden, or kill for the Kingdom, and become evil for good.



#6 Illumen

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 03:12 PM

This sounds like a cool story! Just a couple nitpicky things, for me it stuck out that you have two when sentences (when, but when), it feels repetitive for me in something this short. I don't think you need the sentence at the end that starts with 'either', the information it gives is already shown well earlier. The last sentence is pretty cool because keeping her magic hidden or killing someone sounds like big stakes, i like the way kill for the kingdom sounds too, but the evil for good part doesn't seem necessary. It that sentence could tie into the where her loyalties lie sentence better i think it would be really great. Just my thoughts tho, hope this helps!

#7 JDSmith

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 06:19 PM

Thanks everyone for the uber helpful advice. Here's the latest revised::

 

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked at her attacker and told him to drown himself. (Oooooohhhhhhh... Yeah this makes it so much cooler)

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Ever since Lena arrived, he’s been abusing her for powers she can’t explain. (A little wonky wordplay that I think can be streamlined) When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom and take her to Swabia, Lena learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who can inflict pain, even death, using only their eyes. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with most of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Eye Magic buried. 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness and charm takes her by surprise, and she finds herself falling for the enemy.

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Either she gives her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she is, or to the family to whom she's bound. Keep her magic forever hidden, or kill for the Kingdom, and become evil for good.

 

I think this works so much better! It's very clear and easy to read and if I was an agent, I'd pick it up!

 

(I'd appreciate it if you could check out my query too. Thanks!)


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#8 Anna.k

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 06:21 PM

JDSmith could you leave the link for your query? Thanks!!



#9 JDSmith

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 09:04 PM

http://agentquerycon...sy-revision-11/

 

here you go! thanks!


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#10 rewrighter

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 11:44 PM

I like your revision - it's more concise!

 

That said, your first sentence gave me pause. Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked at her attacker and told him to drown himself. 

So...he drowns himself bc she suggests it? Or he dies right away just from her look, like she has laser eyes? Bc it's the first sentence, make the distinction clear. Later, you call what her power literally 'Eye Magic' which made me chuckle a bit. Could you rename this power to be a bit more mysterious? And to emphasize exactly what her power is - to kill via influence (and can she influence in other ways?) or kill by making ppl drop dead instantly. 

 

YA fantasy is incredibly competitive, and your plot reminds me of Ash Princess or Dance of Thieves. Those are great comps, but agents have read plots like yours for years. What makes your heroine/plot different from those? Include what makes your story unique in your Q. Good luck!



#11 Anna.k

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 08:18 AM

thanks for the thoughts. Actually she’s more like silver fox in the way that she can command people to do things with her eyes..but it seems I’m having a hard time translating this into a sentence lol!

#12 Anna.k

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 11:36 AM

ALL RIGHHHT REVISED AGAIN LET ME KNOW WHAT YA'LL THINK! (REVISED LINES IN BOLD)

 

Dear Delightful Agent

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and told him to drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain.When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom and take her to Swabia, Lena learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can force their enemies to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser was murdered along with most of their kind, the throne was overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to be, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness and charm takes her by surprise, and she starts falling for her victim.

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie; give her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she truly is and keep her Magic a secret, or take the Kingdom, but be tied to her aunt forever--as her slave.

 

THE PRINCE AND THE SPIDER is a YA Low Fantasy of 106,000 words, inspired by Cinderella as a villain and set in Medieval Stuttgart, Germany. It explores themes of abuse, revenge, and forbidden love, and may appeal to fans of SERAPHINA by Rachel Hartman and ASH PRINCESS by Laura Sebastian.



#13 lionspaws

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 02:38 PM

Thank you for your feedback on mine! 

 

First of all, I really like "I'm supposed to kill you but I'm falling in love with you" stories... they always interest me :) 

 

The two main areas of clarity I'd look for: 

 

Is this in a fantasy version of our world, or a completely fantasy world? Because I don't have any knowledge of what or where Swabia is, but Kaiser makes me think this is supposed to be in Germany? 

 

And -- for the stakes, I'd like to know what really terribly thing will happen to her if she chooses love. Having to keep her magic secret is sad, but not dramatic. Will her aunt be furious, and what revenge would she take? 

 

I *could* be wrong, but my understanding is that 106,000 words may be considered steep for YA, especially a debut author... but others may have more expertise. And I liked SERAPHINA! 


http://agentquerycon...sail-the-stars/

http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/

 

"You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus." - Mark Twain 

"There are no rules of architecture for a castle in the clouds." - G.K. Chesterton 


#14 ddcash80

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Posted 27 July 2019 - 12:49 PM

ALL RIGHHHT REVISED AGAIN LET ME KNOW WHAT YA'LL THINK! (REVISED LINES IN BOLD)

 

Dear Delightful Agent

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and told him to drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain.When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom and take her to Swabia (take her away) the less formal names the better, Lena learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can force their enemies to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser was (is) keep present tense murdered along with most of their kind, the throne was (is)overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the new Kaiser-to-be, Prince William (consider using "a young prince" to keep the formal names down, also you don't state his name again in the query), they can steal the crown and get their revenge.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness and charm takes her by surprise, and she starts falling for her victim.

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie; give her heart to the boy who doesn’t know what she truly is and keep her Magic a secret, or take the Kingdom, but be tied to her aunt forever--as her slave. I just have a problem with the stakes since it seems like an obvious choice. Love or slave?

 

THE PRINCE AND THE SPIDER is a YA Low Fantasy of 106,000 words, inspired by Cinderella as a villain and set in Medieval Stuttgart, Germany. It explores themes of abuse, revenge, and forbidden love, and may appeal to fans of SERAPHINA by Rachel Hartman and ASH PRINCESS by Laura Sebastian.

Nice query. I have a small problem with the 'magic' since it seems so overpowered. It seems like the Aunt could also simply tell the prince to kill himself? Maybe try injecting something about the limits of the magic, "have to be really close", does the aunt not have the power?

And as stated above, I think you need to rework the stakes to something more reasonable. Also, if only Lena has the power, instead of being a slave couldn't she just take the Kingdom herself? anyway, nice job overall, probably only a few tweeks needed!q



#15 rewrighter

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Posted 29 July 2019 - 10:55 PM

I like this Q better than your other versions, but have the same concerns as other commenters.

 

Like - why doesn't Lena just kill her aunt? And why can't the aunt kill the prince herself? 

I was thinking maybe there's only 1 killer one each generation, but your statement that MC will become a slave to the aunt suggests the aunt has her own powers...or else why would MC be a slave, if she could just kill her aunt? So I'm stuck with the rationalization there. 

 

Also, the stakes now - love or slave - could be stronger. Maybe there are other consequences for your MC if she breaks the deal with her aunt? Bc it sounds like if she does what her aunt wants, she becomes a slave. Negative reinforcement isn't a good motivator. 

 

Generally, 106k is too long for a YA debut. A MS should be 80-90K tops when querying, and closer to 80k. That gives an agent/editor room to reshape after signing. Having such a long word count can be a red flag. 

 

Good luck!



#16 Anna.k

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Posted 30 July 2019 - 08:54 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Regarding word count as some have mentioned, from what I've researched, YA Fantasy does tend to run a little longer (sometimes up to 110k), But I'll definitely keep it in mind if it's a problem going forward.

Here's the latest revision!

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and told him to drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain. When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom, Lena finally learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can inflict pain on their enemies. Or, like Lena, force them to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser is murdered along with most of their kind, the throne is overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the Heir, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge. As long as Lena obeys her aunt's every wish, she won’t hurt Lena too much, just enough to make her the greatest Enchantress the Kingdom of Germania has ever seen.

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness takes her by surprise, and she starts to fall for her victim.

 

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Kill for the Kingdom, or betray the only family she’s ever known, and give her heart to the boy she loves. Even though he might just have to burn her if he finds out what she really is…



#17 Gabe S.

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Posted 30 July 2019 - 11:17 AM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Regarding word count as some have mentioned, from what I've researched, YA Fantasy does tend to run a little longer (sometimes up to 110k), But I'll definitely keep it in mind if it's a problem going forward.

Here's the latest revision!

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and told him to drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain. When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom, Lena finally learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can inflict pain on their enemies. Or, like Lena, force them to do their bidding.

(bit of nitpicking--I felt like this paragraph should end here)

But when the Kaiser is murdered along with most of their kind, the throne is overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. (Maybe add 'this gives Lena's Auntie the chance to take the throne' or something similar, for continuity) Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the Heir, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge. As long as Lena obeys her aunt's every wish, she won’t hurt Lena too much, just enough to make her the greatest Enchantress the Kingdom of Germania has ever seen. (Little confused. So, her aunt will hurt/punish Lena if she doesn't do her bidding, but at the same time if Lena does what she's told, her aunt will make her Enchantress Supreme?)

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness takes her by surprise, and she starts to fall for her victim.

 

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Kill for the Kingdom (So the new rulers of Germania are anti-magic. Why would she be made to use her powers, like the Kaiser would've?), or betray the only family she’s ever known, and give her heart to the boy she loves. Even though he might just have to burn her (at the stake, I assume) if he finds out what she really is…(I think the two choices are: betray her manipulative auntie, therefore risking her ire or hookup with the prince and risk him actually being seriously anit-magic, with a dash of witch burning syndrome)

 

Cool story. From the query, it sounds like Lena is stuck between a malevolent powerful aunt with a chip on her shoulder, and a new regime that burns magical people, the only hope being that the fair prince is more understanding than his parents. The story has parallels to history and folk tales. 

I hope this helped and good luck!  


If you'd like, you can critique my query at: http://agentquerycon...a-sci-fi/page-2


#18 lnloft

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Posted 31 July 2019 - 08:56 PM

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Regarding word count as some have mentioned, from what I've researched, YA Fantasy does tend to run a little longer (sometimes up to 110k), But I'll definitely keep it in mind if it's a problem going forward. Yeah, from what I've heard in fantasy and sci-fi we tend to have a bit more leeway on word count than some other genres. Just make sure your words are for a purpose. Double check you're not wasting words on extraneous adverbs and dialogue tags, for instance (which I mention because, you know, maybe I probably pared 1000 words from my MS by removing excess dialogue tags).

 

Here's the latest revision!

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and told him to drown himself. Coming in to this query relatively fresh, this doesn't quite compute for me. It's close, but as I read it, her actions seem more on par with having a voice that causes magical compulsion, since she "told him" to kill himself. So her eyes being the things that kill doesn't exactly make sense here.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain. When her long lost aunt arrives to pay for Lena’s freedom, Lena finally learns the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can inflict pain on their enemies. Or, like Lena, force them to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser is murdered along with most of their kind, the throne is overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

 

Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. The transition into this paragraph feels clunky. If Lena succeeds in murdering the Heir, Prince William, they can steal the crown and get their revenge. As long as Lena obeys her aunt's every wish, she won’t hurt Lena too much, just enough to make her the greatest Enchantress the Kkingdom of Germania Just trying to keep things simple by removing a proper noun that isn't really needed. has ever seen. Why does her aunt hurting Lena make Lena the greatest Enchantress ever? And why does killing the prince get them the crown? He's just the heir, so the king would still be in power.

 

However, when Lena attends the spring ball under a false identity and meets the Prince, his kindness takes her by surprise, and she starts to fall for her victim.

 

Now she must choose where her loyalties lie. Kill for the Kingdom, or betray the only family she’s ever known, and give her heart to the boy she loves. Even though he might just have to burn her if he finds out what she really is… I uses ellipses all the time in my writing, but I think the ending will have more punch if it just ends on a period.

I like the concept of the hook, and the line of the master of the orphanage having it coming is good. But it his death doesn't really feel relevant to the rest of the query. Lena kills him, and then she goes off with her aunt, but there isn't even really a connection established between his death and her aunt's arrival. Which makes it feel included mostly for the sake of the hook.

 

I also have a couple questions of the logistics of their plan. Other than the two I mentioned above, I have to wonder how Lena even has time to fall for the prince. If she's there to kill him, shouldn't she just see him, meet eyes, and compel him to kill himself? From what I'm presented with, it seems like it really should be that simple.

 

Overall, though, your points are clear, and your concept is solid. Just continuing to iron out the nitty-gritty. Good luck.


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#19 Anna.k

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Posted 01 August 2019 - 08:35 AM

A few more revisions. Thanks for helping out, everyone. I hope this is getting me there...

 

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and made him drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain. Drawn by the use of her Magic, Lena’s long lost aunt finds her and pays for her freedom. Only then does Lena learn the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can inflict pain on their enemies or force them to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser is murdered along with most of their kind, the throne is overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

 

In order to steal the crown, Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the Heir, Prince William, they can get their revenge. 

However, when Lena meets the Prince under a false identity, his kindness takes her by surprise, and she starts to fall for her victim. Fearing her aunt’s talent for pain, Lena begins seeing him in secret.

 

Then the Kaiser is declared dead, and Lena must choose where her loyalties lie; kill for the Kingdom, or betray the only family she’s ever had, and risk her aunt’s wrath. But if she gives her heart to the boy she loves, he might just have to burn her if he finds out what she really is.



#20 Derrick

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Posted 06 August 2019 - 12:30 PM

A few more revisions. Thanks for helping out, everyone. I hope this is getting me there...

 

 

Lena didn’t know her eyes could kill, until she looked into her attacker’s eyes and made him drown himself.

 

But the master of the orphanage had it coming. Lena is sick of being abused for powers she can’t explain. Drawn by the use of her Magic, Lena’s long lost aunt finds her and pays for her freedom. Only then does Lena learn the truth. They are the last survivors of a noble bloodline notorious for being the Kaiser's weapons—Enchantresses who, using only their eyes, can inflict pain on their enemies or force them to do their bidding. But when the Kaiser is murdered along with most of their kind, the throne is overtaken by a family who wants nothing more than to keep Magic buried. 

 

The red in the para above kinda reads weird for me. It was jarring in an otherwise smooth query so far.

 

In order to steal the crown, Lena's aunt lures her into a treasonous deal. If Lena succeeds in murdering the Heir, Prince William, they can get their revenge. 

However, when Lena meets the Prince under a false identity, his kindness takes her by surprise, and she starts to fall for her victim. Fearing her aunt’s talent for pain, Lena begins seeing him in secret.

 

Then the Kaiser is declared dead, and Lena must choose where her loyalties lie; kill for the Kingdom, or betray the only family she’s ever had, and risk her aunt’s wrath. But if she gives her heart to the boy she loves, he might just have to burn her if he finds out what she really is.

 

The red part above kinda makes it sound like a play by play. Which really isn't what the query is for. I'd suggest "When the Kaiser is declared dead, Lena..."

 Some notes above, but overall, I think it's good.

 

It starts to sound more like a detailed synopsis in the middle. And I guess it's because of how I view queries.

 

First para is the hook.

 

Next few is the synopsis. But that second para is a little confusing, because the Kaiser is dead, then he is dead again?

 

It's almost like that blue sentence can go completely. I was going to say add it to the hook, but really the stakes are super clear in that last para and I would lean into that more.

 

Let me know if you have questions!


Would you do me the kindness of critiquing my query?





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