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YA fantasy spoof/humor

Fiction Fantasy Young Adult Offbeat/Quirky

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#1 rewrighter

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Posted 25 July 2019 - 11:26 PM

Any help is appreciated and reciprocated - just share your Q title in your reply. One request - any suggestions where to put the reference to the MC's appearance? It's clunky at the end of paragraph one, but it's too important to cut.

Thanks! 

Revision in post #4

 

 

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzelda is magically bound as personal assistant to a hybrid dragon queen with a nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Her day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches and negotiating lower insurance rates despite all the dragon-breath fires. On the plus side, she’s managed to convince most of her coworkers she’s NOT actually an ogre, so that’s good. (Humans always think tusks + large frame + red skin = ogre.) 


Every night, she learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - teaches Drizzle Morathian culture such as how to properly barbeque a fire salamander and the most popular dance fighting moves. But neither of them can lift the binding keeping them in Counterpane until the queen dies. And, under the binding, they’re barely at human strength - which isn’t near strong enough to do her in themselves. 



Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers her banishment is based on a lie. 



Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down its increasingly unstable dragon queen.

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a hidden power on her side! The Monster’s Rebellion is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.



#2 lnloft

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 04:14 PM

Any help is appreciated and reciprocated - just share your Q title in your reply. One request - any suggestions where to put the reference to the MC's appearance? It's clunky at the end of paragraph one, but it's too important to cut.

Thanks!

 

 

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzelda is magically bound as personal assistant to a hybrid dragon queen Hybrid what? Does this mean half human, half dragon? It's not entirely clear. with a nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Her day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches and negotiating lower insurance rates despite all the dragon-breath fires. Okay, I'm diving into really nit-picky here, but technically this sentence could be also interpreted as Drizzelda distracting the queen from negotiating lower insurance rates, due to your usage of multiple gerunds. I don't think it's that unclear that it means the other way, but you want to impress with your query, so having a sentence that is technically ambiguous might not be as helpful. On the plus side, she’s managed to convince most of her coworkers she’s NOT actually an ogre, so that’s good. (Humans always think tusks + large frame + red skin = ogre.) Do you actually need the physical description? I think something like, "managed to convince her coworkers she's not an ogre, despite what her appearance might say". But the bigger thing for me is to wonder how this even works. How in the world does she manage to convince people she's not an ogre when she clearly looks like one? And especially when apparently her aunt (whom I'm must presume is an ogre, too) is running around the castle. There's nothing in the rest of the query that suggests her being an ogre is critical, but I think it's important to establish your MC is non-human, just so there's no misconceptions for agents. But having her convince her coworkers that she's not an ogre is just confusing for the time being, and it isn't plot critical for purposes of your query as currently written. So might it just work to establish she's an ogre by saying, "teenage ogre Drizzelda" (or whatever descriptor fits her best)? I know you're going for voice as well, but sometimes simplicity is just as important.


Every night, she learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - teaches Drizzle Morathian I didn't immediately realize that Drizzle is the MC's nickname, so I read this as being taught about a culture called "Drizzle Morathian". culture such as how to properly barbeque a fire salamander and the most popular dance-fighting moves This is a long sentence. But neither of them can lift the binding keeping them in Counterpane until the queen dies. And, under the binding, they’re barely at human strength - which isn’t near strong enough to do her in themselves. 



Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers her banishment is based on a lie. Wait, I'm confused about the whole banishment/spell thing. The previous sentence implied it was based around the dragon queen, but here it seems based on the ruler of Morath. I do trust that it makes sense in the novel, but what I read here just seems contradictory.



Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down its increasingly unstable dragon queen.

 

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a hidden power on her side!. Ugh, please, no exclamation points. Also, these points are a little too vague, in my opinion. And by placing the points in her favor here, in a chipper tone, it actually detracts from the stakes. Instead of ending on, "How will she ever succeed?", we're left with, "It'll be tough, but don't worry, here's all these ways that will make it easier." Which makes me wonder why I should worry. The Monster’s Rebellion  THE MONSTER'S REBELLION (word count?) is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.

Hmm. I feel like maybe you've spent a bit more of the query on setting things up than actually on the plot. Context is obviously important. But I generally like a few more details on what exactly the MC has to do in order to achieve their goal. And I'm definitely not clear on how the banishment spell works. Because apparently she can't leave Counterpane until the dragon queen dies, except she gets permission from the ruler of Morath to leave, and then comes back to bring down the dragon queen? Sometimes you can fudge details in the query if it makes things clearer. I don't know if that will be your case here, but you can experiment with just simplifying the details and let us get the whole story when we read the book.

 

Good luck.


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#3 rewrighter

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Posted 26 July 2019 - 09:37 PM

Thanks for the feedback!



#4 Anna.k

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Posted 29 July 2019 - 07:14 PM

Any help is appreciated and reciprocated - just share your Q title in your reply. One request - any suggestions where to put the reference to the MC's appearance? It's clunky at the end of paragraph one, but it's too important to cut.

Thanks!

 

 

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzelda is magically bound as personal assistant to a hybrid dragon queen with a nasty temper, and even nastier spells. (Lol this made me laugh out loud. I like it. But like LNLOFT commented, may need to clarify what sort of hybrid she is) Her day job is mostly (Or, revolves around?) distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches (Lol) and negotiating lower insurance rates despite all the dragon-breath fires. On the plus side, she’s managed to convince most of her coworkers (does the dragon queen have multiple magically bound assistants?) she’s NOT actually an ogre, so that’s good.  (Humans always think tusks + large frame + red skin = ogre.) 

(Who, Drizzelda or the queen? I'm assuming you mean Drizzelda, but instead of putting it in brackets may want to reword it, i.e., even though Drizzelda has been stereotyped as an ogre for her tusks and red skin...or something to that effect.)


Every night, she learns about her birth country of Morath. (This introduction seems rather random..)Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - teaches Drizzle (Stick to her actual name?) Morathian culture such as how to properly barbeque a fire salamander and the most popular dance fighting moves. But neither of them can lift the binding keeping them in Counterpane until the queen dies. (Lol I like the bit about the salamander, but maybe you can remake it into one sentence. I.e, her aunt Mog teaches her such and such but one thing she can't figure out is how to break the binding spell...)And, under the binding, they’re barely at human strength (Hmm, confused by this phrasing. Maybe, they're not at their full strength? Also kind of confused now because you say Drizzelda is not an ogre but then again she looks like an ogre so what is she exactly...)- which isn’t near strong enough to do her in themselves. 



Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers her banishment is based on a lie. (Gasp! Although I don't know if the particular details about her BFF is necessary. Also, try to keep the story involving as few characters as possible. You already have the MC, the queen, the aunt, who seem important enough. You could just say that Drizzelda is allowed back to her home country ONLY to bury her aunt properly, and then the banishment being a lie, but you may not even need to mention the BFF at all. Just a thought.)



Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down its increasingly unstable dragon queen.

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a hidden power on her side! (Hmm quite vague here. I like how the plot is very clear all along and the stakes are definitely there. But you may need to reword this; i.e., she may have to dig up a hidden magical power, BUT that also means doing....such and such. What is the complication/harm/potential danger of using this magical power? And why didn't she use it before?)

The Monster’s Rebellion is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof. (Always add word count, and comp titles...?)

 

I liked this overall, it's funny and snarky! But needs some reworking. Please check out my query when you get a chance, thanks!

 

http://agentquerycon...d-2-ya-fantasy/



#5 rewrighter

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Posted 29 July 2019 - 10:42 PM

Here's another version a bit tighter...thanks for any feedback!

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzle is magically bound as personal assistant to a dragon queen. Half human, half dragon, the queen has nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Drizzle’s day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches or casually murdering diplomats. 


Every night, Drizzle learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - tries her best to teach Drizzle about Morathian culture, such as how to properly wear tusk jewels and the most popular dance fighting moves. 


Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy lifts the banishment and allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers the reason for her banishment is based on a lie. 


Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer and reclaim her life. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down the dragon queen and confronting her Morathian enemy in a high-stakes dance-fight.

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a convenient hidden power on her side! The Monster’s Rebellion is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.



#6 Anna.k

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Posted 31 July 2019 - 08:46 AM

Here's another version a bit tighter...thanks for any feedback!

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzle is magically bound as personal assistant to a dragon queen. Half human, half dragon, the queen has nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Drizzle’s day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches or casually murdering diplomats. (Better!)


Every night, Drizzle learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - tries her best to teach Drizzle about Morathian culture, such as how to properly wear tusk jewels and the most popular dance fighting moves. (Hmm, this still kind of reads like random backstory; need to make it more essential to the plot, like what does Morathian culture have to do with our story here?)


Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. (How? In battle?) Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy lifts the banishment and allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers the reason for her banishment is based on a lie. 


Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer and reclaim her life. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there(Still find this phrasing awkward) That means taking down the dragon queen and confronting her Morathian enemy in a high-stakes dance-fight.(Ooh I like this, but maybe instead of putting earlier that her BFF became ruler from her dance skills, you could put that here. I.e, But it'll be challenging since her BFF won the crown with her superior dance moves...)

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a convenient hidden power on her side! The Monster’s Rebellion is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.(Hmm, I still think you could have a more powerful punchline here. Still vague)



#7 SuzieTheWriter

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Posted 01 August 2019 - 10:31 AM

Here's another version a bit tighter...thanks for any feedback!

 

Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzle is magically bound as personal assistant to a dragon queen. Half human, half dragon, the queen has a? nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Drizzle’s day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches or casually murdering diplomats. This is funny--like it. I am somewhat confused on what Drizzle is magical being-wise.


Every night, Drizzle learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - tries her best to teach Drizzle about Morathian culture, such as how to properly wear tusk jewels and the most popular dance fighting moves. 


Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy lifts the banishment and allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers the reason for her banishment is based on a lie.  


Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer and reclaim her life. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down the dragon queen and confronting her Morathian enemy in a high-stakes dance-fight.

Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a convenient hidden power on her side! I get what you're going for, but this read strange to me---for a second, I thought her ally was her super smart brains...The Monster’s Rebellion is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.

 

 

I agree it was a little vague in parts. I'm unsure if that's me not being very close to this specific genre or a writing issue. Good job overall!


Please check out my latest query:

http://agentquerycon...antic-thriller/






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