Any help is appreciated and reciprocated - just share your Q title in your reply. One request - any suggestions where to put the reference to the MC's appearance? It's clunky at the end of paragraph one, but it's too important to cut.
Banished to the land of Counterpane, Drizzelda is magically bound as personal assistant to a hybrid dragon queen Hybrid what? Does this mean half human, half dragon? It's not entirely clear. with a nasty temper, and even nastier spells. Her day job is mostly distracting the queen from turning allies into cockroaches and negotiating lower insurance rates despite all the dragon-breath fires. Okay, I'm diving into really nit-picky here, but technically this sentence could be also interpreted as Drizzelda distracting the queen from negotiating lower insurance rates, due to your usage of multiple gerunds. I don't think it's that unclear that it means the other way, but you want to impress with your query, so having a sentence that is technically ambiguous might not be as helpful. On the plus side, she’s managed to convince most of her coworkers she’s NOT actually an ogre, so that’s good. (Humans always think tusks + large frame + red skin = ogre.) Do you actually need the physical description? I think something like, "managed to convince her coworkers she's not an ogre, despite what her appearance might say". But the bigger thing for me is to wonder how this even works. How in the world does she manage to convince people she's not an ogre when she clearly looks like one? And especially when apparently her aunt (whom I'm must presume is an ogre, too) is running around the castle. There's nothing in the rest of the query that suggests her being an ogre is critical, but I think it's important to establish your MC is non-human, just so there's no misconceptions for agents. But having her convince her coworkers that she's not an ogre is just confusing for the time being, and it isn't plot critical for purposes of your query as currently written. So might it just work to establish she's an ogre by saying, "teenage ogre Drizzelda" (or whatever descriptor fits her best)? I know you're going for voice as well, but sometimes simplicity is just as important.
Every night, she learns about her birth country of Morath. Her Aunt Mog - also banished and the queen’s fearsome military commander - teaches Drizzle Morathian I didn't immediately realize that Drizzle is the MC's nickname, so I read this as being taught about a culture called "Drizzle Morathian". culture such as how to properly barbeque a fire salamander and the most popular dance-fighting moves This is a long sentence. But neither of them can lift the binding keeping them in Counterpane until the queen dies. And, under the binding, they’re barely at human strength - which isn’t near strong enough to do her in themselves.
Then Mog is killed obeying the queen’s command. Drizzle wants to take her ashes home to Morath to be buried properly. But the whole banishment thing means she has to ask permission of her former BFF, whose awesome dance-fighting skills have made her ruler of Morath. When the frenemy allows her to return for a brief visit, Drizzle heads to Morath...where she discovers her banishment is based on a lie. Wait, I'm confused about the whole banishment/spell thing. The previous sentence implied it was based around the dragon queen, but here it seems based on the ruler of Morath. I do trust that it makes sense in the novel, but what I read here just seems contradictory.
Drizzle returns to Counterpane determined to expose her betrayer. To do that, she’s got to break the magic binding her there. That means taking down its increasingly unstable dragon queen.
Good thing she’s got an unlikely ally, her super smart brains and a hidden power on her side
!. Ugh, please, no exclamation points. Also, these points are a little too vague, in my opinion. And by placing the points in her favor here, in a chipper tone, it actually detracts from the stakes. Instead of ending on, "How will she ever succeed?", we're left with, "It'll be tough, but don't worry, here's all these ways that will make it easier." Which makes me wonder why I should worry. The Monster’s Rebellion THE MONSTER'S REBELLION (word count?) is Shrek meets The Last Dragonslayer, a YA fantasy spoof.