Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Our Lady of Death -- YA Fantasy


  • Please log in to reply
11 replies to this topic

#1 mindy24601

mindy24601

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 52 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 August 2019 - 03:59 PM

Unfortunately I have not been successful in the query world, and was wondering if anyone out there would be able to take a look and give some feedback. I feel like it might be a little wordy in some parts. 

Will reciprocate! :D 

 

Update 3.0

 

Attn: Fantastic Agent X

 

Dear Mr/Ms X: 

 

Years before the legends address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case. Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back downstairs.

Permanently. 

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to clean up her act accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden: a secret weapon which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 
Miranda Maxwell


#2 lnloft

lnloft

    LNLOFT

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 627 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 August 2019 - 09:23 PM

 

Unfortunately I have not been successful in the query world, and was wondering if anyone out there would be able to take a look and give some feedback. I feel like it might be a little wordy in some parts. 

Will reciprocate! :D 

 

Attn: Fantastic Agent X

 

Dear Mr/Ms X: 

 

Years before the legends ever address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case, plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper to escort wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. There's a bit of wordiness for this first sentence. I wonder if we need the part about Senora Muerte? From your housekeeping it seems that is a character from Latino folklore, but it doesn't mean much to me right now, and that might be making things a little confusing. So maybe just leave the Senora Muerte explanation for the end. After all, the story takes place before she becomes that, so it's technically not relevant for an inciting incident. But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to Hell.

 

Permanently. 

 

But Luz’s plight sheds light on a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. How does her plight shed light on this? Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

 

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden, secrets which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will threaten the entire concept of the Afterlife as it’s known.  Hmm, this isn't bad, but I'm trying to be nit-picky. I wonder if clarifying a bit of what you mean by "threatening the entire concept of the Afterlife" and/or presenting it as a choice for Luz (i.e. Luz can either prove her innocence or destroy the known Afterlife) might make it more powerful.

 

I am currently seeking representation for Our Lady of Death OUR LADY OF DEATH , a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on the Divine Comedy, Our Lady of Death combines the TV show Supernatural I love Supernatural with a burning passion, but for comps you're a lot safer sticking with books. with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

 

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 
Mindy Maxwell

 

Honestly, this query is fairly solid. You can make some few tweaks, but from this description I'd probably read it if I read this on the back cover at a bookstore. So, as far as querying goes, you can futz around with this some more and make sure your first pages are SOLID (if you haven't already, you can post your first 250-words in the 250 word forum for feedback). Otherwise, though, it might just take patience. Which sucks, because I totally know the struggle of just wanting to DO something, when all you can really do is wait.

 

Good luck.


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#3 Bibliophyl

Bibliophyl

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 93 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 August 2019 - 02:00 PM

Years before the legends ever address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case, plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper to escort wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to Hell.

Permanently. [I like your first paragraph!]

 

But Luz’s plight sheds light on a bigger scheme: [how?] someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. [I don't quite understand the three-tiered thing, and I'm wondering if it's necessary to include] Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

 

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden, secrets which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will threaten the entire concept of the Afterlife as it’s known.  [I think this might be stronger if the stakes were more personal to Luz. What does she personally stand to gain or lose? How does the afterlife being threatened affect her?]

 

I am currently seeking representation for Our Lady of Death, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on the Divine Comedy, Our Lady of Death combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. [I think this is definitely a selling point!] The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

I hope this was helpful! I think this is solid and could be great with some tweaks. I feel like I've seen a lot of agents looking for material like this (Latino folklore, etc.). How many rejections have you gotten? Good luck!



#4 mindy24601

mindy24601

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 52 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 August 2019 - 02:56 PM

Update in first post! Thank you for the feedback!



#5 Anna.k

Anna.k

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 119 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Working on it!

Posted 13 August 2019 - 03:50 PM

 

Unfortunately I have not been successful in the query world, and was wondering if anyone out there would be able to take a look and give some feedback. I feel like it might be a little wordy in some parts. 

Will reciprocate! :D 

 

Update 2.0

 

Attn: Fantastic Agent X

 

Dear Mr/Ms X: 

 

Years before the legends ever address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case; plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. (This sounds fun, but agree with above comments, too wordy for a hook) But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, (Lol I love this) and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to Hell. (Nice. This is clear and succinct.)

Permanently. 

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to straighten up (How?) accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife.(This is cool, but I'm not sure you need the three tier part) Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool  who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. (Not sure these character descriptions are necessary to the plot) 

 

But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden, secrets which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends reputation, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  (Hmm, this is super vague. Especially the bit about hidden secrets, which is kinda tropey in itself. Need to specify Luz's quandary and specify how it will affect her)

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass. (This sounds epic! Altho comparing yourself to Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir who are practically immortal queens in YA Fantasy at this point might not be the best idea... go for someone middle ground)

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 
Mindy Maxwell

 

 

Thanks for helping out with my query!! The query trenches are so rough lol



#6 jrjan1

jrjan1

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 15 August 2019 - 12:07 PM

Here's my two cents. I have one on here as well and would appreciate your thoughts on mine.

 

Years before the legends ever address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil (if this is a title, I think it would be capitalized and separated with a comma) Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case; . Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife (no capital-I don't like starting a sentence with But. Perhaps make it a compound sentence and separate with a comma). But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to Hell.

Permanently. 

 

( Like this: 

Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled afterlife, but taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl. When Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to... (This is the third time you've used hell very close together.) Hell.

Permanently. 

)

 

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to straighten up accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

 

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Aafterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Aangel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden, secrets which,  that haveing fallen into the wrong hands. Luz is forced , will force Luz to choose between her new friend's reputation, her own reputation, and the existence of the aAfterlife as it’s currently known.  (Is there another thing she can choose between? Using reputation so close together seems klunky)

 

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

This sounds like a great story. Kudos. I don't think the word afterlife, hellboy, or angel would be capitalized.



#7 janeald

janeald

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 97 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:I have only published journalistic work.

Posted 17 August 2019 - 04:51 PM

 

Unfortunately I have not been successful in the query world, and was wondering if anyone out there would be able to take a look and give some feedback. I feel like it might be a little wordy in some parts. 

Will reciprocate! :D 

 

Update 2.0

 

Attn: Fantastic Agent X (If they have email subject line guidelines, make sure to follow those.)

 

Dear Mr/Ms X (I suggest only putting agent name): 

 

Years before the legends ever addressed her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case.; pPlucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, Luzshe now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But tTaking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, wWhen Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back to Hell.

Permanently.

 

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to straighten up accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

 

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But tThe underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden, secrets which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends reputation, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  

 

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, is a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

 

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 
Mindy Maxwell

 

Really really like this plot! Let me know if you're looking for a critique partner! I hope my suggestions are helpful! 

 

I'd love your feedback on my query: http://agentquerycon...girls/?p=361490 !



#8 mindy24601

mindy24601

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 52 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 21 August 2019 - 03:28 PM

Update in the first post!!! Thanks to all for the excellent advice. :) 



#9 Anna.k

Anna.k

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 119 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Working on it!

Posted 21 August 2019 - 06:11 PM

Great it’s looking better. Stiiiill a bit vague on the stakes in the last para, but the rest looks good to me :-))

#10 fatalkiss19

fatalkiss19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 133 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 23 August 2019 - 02:37 AM

Attn: Fantastic Agent X

 

Dear Mr/Ms X: 

 

Years before the legends address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case. Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But taking Taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back downstairs.

Permanently. 

But (Reword this, agents usually don't like sentences that start with "But") Luz’s half-hearted efforts to clean up her act accidentally (use another word, you already used "accidentally" and agents don't like reading the same words over and over again) uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy (Do you think people will confuse him with the movie version of Hellboy?) and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But (Again reword) the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden: a secret weapon which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. Complete at 83,000 words, OUR LADY OF DEATH is a young adult fantasy novel. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

((I understand that you…, and would be appreciative if you would consider OUR LADY OF DEATH for representation, tailored to specific agent.))

Thank you for your time.

 

Sincerely,

 
Miranda Maxwell

 



#11 ScarlettLeigh

ScarlettLeigh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 135 posts
  • Literary Status:in-between agents, industry insider
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 23 August 2019 - 04:51 PM

Hi Mindy! I think you have a really strong query here, and it's always frustrating when a strong query isn't netting requests. I read a lot of queries in my day job, and I did notice a few things that may be holding agents back.

 

- Until I got to where you told this was YA, I assumed it was an adult UF. The MC Luz feels very adult. She has a job and is already in the afterlife, the inciting incident stems from an incident with a coworker, which feel more adult to me. Either see if there's a way to get across that Luz is a teen in that opening paragraph, or consider marketing this as adult. Personally, I think you might have better luck querying this as adult, which you can do even if the character is 20-21. Adult with younger "NA" range protagonists is getting hotter, and the market for angle/ demon UF is more open in adult than YA, right now.

 

- Why are you drawing inspiration from hispanic culture/ folklore? Are you hispanic and want to see your culture represented? Is this #ownvoices? If so, I suggest including this in your query. It shows agents why you're writing this story and that you're coming from a place of authority. If this isn't #ownvoices, ask yourself why you as a non latinx author want to draw from hispanic folklore and what makes you the right person to tell this story? So, so, so few latinx authors have had the opportunity to tell their own stories, is it worth taking shelf space away from someone because you were "inspired" by their culture?

 

- Your comps a little dated and don't really tell me that much about the story. Leigh Bardugo is sort of a cliche comp at this point, and I don't really see the connection here, other than it's gritty, same with Sabaa Tahir. Maybe try Labyrinth Lost by Zoraida Cordova or the Bone Street Rumba series by Daniel Jose Older (especially if you go adult)?

 

I think you have a super fun and unique story here, and I wouldn't want to see these three things stand in your way of the requests you deserve! Keep at it because you have something really, really good going here!

 

 

Years before the legends address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case. Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back downstairs.

 

Permanently. 

 

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to clean up her act accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Especially when she knows just who is to blame.   

 

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden: a secret weapon which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  

 

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.

 



#12 bookgirl_kt

bookgirl_kt

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 346 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Currently querying agents.

Posted 02 September 2019 - 12:33 AM

Agents only reply to a tiny percentage of queries, so not getting much response doesn't mean it's bad. It's a tough business! Good luck!

 

Here are my suggestions. You can take or leave them as you like:

 

Years before the legends address her as Señora Muerte, sarcastic daredevil Luz is Purgatorio’s charity case. Love the opening :) Plucked from her job as Hell’s sewer-scraper, she now escorts wayward souls to their penance-filled Afterlife. But taking the girl out of Hell is easier than taking Hell out of the girl, and, when Luz’s pranks accidentally cost one of her coworkers his chance at Heaven, she’s given an ultimatum: shape up, or get shipped back downstairs.

Permanently. Very awesome first paragraph. Your voice is incredible. I love it as it is.

But Luz’s half-hearted efforts to clean up her act accidentally uncover a bigger scheme: someone is cheating Heaven out of its souls, threatening the strict hierarchy of the three-tiered Afterlife. Suggestion: keep the first half of this and cut after the comma. The world-building of the Afterlife doesn't seem necessary to understand the query so you can cut it. Luz’s penchant for mischief makes her a prime suspect, yet she’s unwilling to accept an eternity of scrubbing Satan’s sewers without a fair fight. Nice stakes. Funny too! Especially when she knows just who is to blame. If you're not going to tell the readers who's to blame, you might cut this line.   

Luz soon realises that proving her innocence will require her to recruit the skills of souls from all three realms of the Afterlife, including a starry-eyed Hellboy and a rainbow-loving fool who doesn’t quite match anyone’s idea of an Angel. But the underdogs’ efforts will force the revelation of secrets that should have remained hidden: a secret weapon which, having fallen into the wrong hands, will force Luz to choose between her new friends, her own reputation, and the existence of the Afterlife as it’s currently known.  I'm not sure you should introduce the weapon. The query is already a little long, and this is a completely new plot thread you're throwing in at the end. Just saving herself from being falsely accused might be enough for a query, since you usually only cover the first part of your book here. You can still make it clear the fate of the whole afterlife is at stake because this is part of a larger, shady scheme.

 

Your humor is great and made me smile! Hope I've helped! There's a link to mine in my signature. Good luck and I'd love to see a revised version.

I am currently seeking representation for OUR LADY OF DEATH, a young adult fantasy novel complete at 83,000 words. A Hispanic-inspired take on Dante’s Divine Comedy, OUR LADY OF DEATH combines the TV show Supernatural with Latino folklore to bring forth an original backstory of La Calavera Catrina, the skeletal personification of death, as she evolves from a vengeful teenage spirit into the legendary Señora Muerte. The story will appeal to readers who prefer dark, grittier stories, such as those of Leigh Bardugo and Sabaa Tahir, similar to Gods of Jade and Shadow and The City of Brass.






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users