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Visions (YA Fantasy/Supernatural Romance)


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#1 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 16 August 2019 - 08:09 PM

Thank you all so much.
New version here:

Orphaned and fiercely independent seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back into society, the possibility of love, heaven in a stranger’s eyes, and a mysterious white horse.

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real.

After staying home to care for her dying mother, Agnes returns to high school. She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, he possesses a strange power of commanding those around him. He demands Agnes stay away from him and she wants nothing more than to heed the warning, but flickers of light in his eyes are enigmatic and she’s reluctantly captivated.

Her small town is reeling from the unsolved homicides of two teenage girls and Louie is the last person to see the third murder victim alive. He becomes a suspect but still, Agnes pushes to figure him out. Despite Louie and Agnes’ mutual independence , they begin to work together to find the real murderer before the serial killer claims another. The undeniable connection between them intensifies.

Louie reveals to Agnes that he is the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Agnes realizes that if she allows herself to fall for the white horse’s rider, she will learn more about Louie’s dark past that may threaten her future. If she’s smart and stays away, someone she cares about could die at the hand’s of a killer who shares a secret with Louie.

Can she really walk away from the love of someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her?

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series. I’m a horse girl and devoured books about horses as a kid. The Black Stallion series by Walter Farley, holds so many wonderful memories for me especially The Black Stallion and the Girl since it combined a story about my beloved horse with a budding romance. That idea has stuck with me for over thirty years and is my muse.

#2 lnloft

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Posted 16 August 2019 - 08:39 PM

Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back to society, a future with a new friend, a mysterious white horse, and stars in a beautiful boy’s eyes. Problem is, none of it, or all of it could be real. The problem with this hook is that there's just too much going on it, and that makes it hard to latch onto any one part of it. The "things she's seeing list" is also a bit awkward, because some of it is things she is literally seeing and some of it is a bit more metaphorical.

After a brain tumor stole her mother’s sanity, Agnes was forced to become a caregiver. She struggled for three years with homeschooling Until I read this, I didn't realize that Agnes was a teen (although I suppose I should have a assumed with this being YA and all). But just to remove all ambiguity, just include Agnes's age when you first introduce her. and her mother’s irrational words and premonitions about hell and fallen angels. She became afraid of life outside their home and experienced hallucinations herself. You've got three full sentences of backstory here. The more you can condense backstory, the better. We want to know what will happen in the story, not what happened before. After she laid her mother to rest, the vision of a pale horse persists. The change in tense in this sentence is awkward. She’s haunted by the idea that if the horse is real, then so is everything else, including her mother’s predictions that she’s destined to become a murderer.

On her first day back at school as a senior, Agnes’ goal is to just fit in and keep her panic under control. This seems to be where your story really starts, so I'd try to get to this point sooner. She meets Louie Caine and he’s aloof and imposing, and possesses a strange way of commanding those around him. She’s afraid of him, but what she sees in his eyes captivates her. Show, don't tell. He becomes a suspect in a recent murder Why? and still, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of war, How does she find this out? the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who is not seeking to end a world that he now calls home.

Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim and the undeniable connection between them intensifies. Details, please.

The pale horse is real and to earn its rider’s redemption and escape her fate, Agnes must gain confidence in herself and learn to trust and love again and maybe die. I have a hard time following exactly what this sentence is talking about. Also, I'm a little confused, because classically War rides a red horse, not a pale one. Death is usually on the pale horse. And War is the second horseman, not the first, like you said above.

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series.

Right now, I think you've got too much focus on how you got where to the start and not enough on what happens in the story. How does Agnes find out that Louie is the horseman War? How are they tangled up in the murder cases? And what do they do to work together to find the real murderer? I get the impression that the line I underlined is the crux of your story, but you've got one sentence on it. That's what you need to expand on, let us know what specifically they do, what they want, what happens if they fail. Good luck.


Please note I'm also posting on behalf of people who can't sign up, so if I provide a link in the main body of the post, make sure to reciprocate on that thread.

 

I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#3 Bibliophyl

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Posted 17 August 2019 - 08:59 AM

Thanks for stopping by mine!

 

Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back to society, a future with a new friend, a mysterious white horse, and stars in a beautiful boy’s eyes. Problem is, none of it, or all of it could be real. Agree with the other commenter that there's a lot going on here, and also there's confusion between what's literal and metaphorical (e.g. seeing a horse vs. seeing a future)

After a brain tumor stole her mother’s sanity, Agnes was forced to become a caregiver. I've heard you should avoid phrases like "was forced" because it takes away from your character's agency. Maybe just "...Agnes became her mother's caregiver." Also, not knowing the context, it makes her sound like a bad person if she has to be forced to take care of her ailing mother. She struggled for three years with homeschooling and her mother’s irrational words and premonitions about hell and fallen angels. She became afraid of life outside their home and experienced hallucinations herself. After she laid her mother to rest, the vision of a pale horse persists. Queries are supposed to be written in present tense, and the switch is jarring. She’s haunted by the idea that if the horse is real, then so is everything else, including her mother’s predictions that she’s destined to become a murderer.

On her first day back at school as a senior, Agnes’ goal is to just fit in and keep her panic under control. She meets Louie Caine and he’s aloof and imposing, and possesses a strange way of commanding those around him. She’s afraid of him, but what she sees in his eyes captivates her. He becomes a suspect in a recent murder and still, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of war, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who is not seeking to end a world that he now calls home. 

Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim and the undeniable connection between them intensifies. 

The pale horse is real and to earn its rider’s redemption and escape her fate, Agnes must gain confidence in herself and learn to trust and love again and maybe die.

 

I think more of the focus here should be on the murder and the romance (?) with Louie. I put a question mark after romance because from this query, it sounds like they could be just friends but you've designated this as a romance. If that's the case, I'd put way more emphasis on Louie and their budding relationship, what keeps them apart, etc. Hope that was helpful!



#4 janeald

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Posted 17 August 2019 - 04:00 PM

Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back to society, a future with a new friend, a mysterious white horse, and stars in a beautiful boy’s eyes. Problem is, none of it, or all of it could be real.

After a brain tumor stole her mother’s sanity, Agnes was forced to become a caregiver. She strugglesd (try to keep present tense) for three years with homeschooling and her mother’s irrational words and or premonitions about hell and fallen angels. Agnes She fears became afraid of life outside their home and experiencesd hallucinations herself. After her mother dies she laid her mother to rest, the visions of a pale horse persists. She’s haunted by the idea that if the horse is real, then so is everything else, including her mother’s predictions that she’s destined to become a murderer.

On her first day as a high school back at school as a senior, Agnes’ goal is to just fit in and keep her panic under control. She meets Louie Caine, and he’s aloof and imposing boy who, and possesses a strange way of commanding those around him. She’s afraid of him, but what she sees in his eyes captivates her. HeLouie becomes a suspect in a recent murder and still, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of war, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who doesn't want is not seeking to end the a world that he now calls home.

Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim and tThe undeniable connection between them intensifies. (suggest making one paragraph) The pale horse is real and to earn its rider’s redemption and escape her fate, Agnes must gain confidence in herself and learn to trust, and love again and maybe die. (I suggest cutting the again because it's not clear where that comes from).

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series.

 

I really like the plot and query! The main suggestion is to keep it all present tense. I hope my suggestions are helpful!

 

I'd love your feedback/advice on my query: http://agentquerycon...irls/?p=361490 



#5 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 24 August 2019 - 09:47 PM

Seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie sees heaven in a beautiful boy’s eyes. She can also see a way back into society, a new friendship, the possibility of love, and a mysterious white horse.

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real.

Agnes withdraws from school to help her mother fight a brain tumor and for three years the cancer eats away at her mother’s body and mind and causes divine hallucinations and premonitions that affect Agnes’ own sanity. The last words her mother manages is a cryptic command to Agnes that she must commit murder.

On her first day back as a high school senior, Agnes’ goal is to fit in. She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, he possesses a strange way of commanding those around him. Agnes wants to heed the warning signs to stay away, but flickers of light in his eyes captivates her. His mysterious past and enigmatic presence makes him difficult to get to know. After being the last person to see a murder victim alive, Louie becomes a suspect and still, with a newfound courage, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim. The undeniable connection between them intensifies.

Agnes and Louie learn about their shared past and they were always meant to find one another. She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who doesn’t want to end a world he now calls home. That sentiment is not shared by all of the horsemen and the third rider’s influence on mortals will threaten Agnes’ new life and happiness.

A path to a bright future, a beautiful boy’s love, and the pale horse are all real. To earn the rider’s redemption and escape the fate her mother predicted, Agnes must find a confidence and a will she never knew she possessed and give herself to someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her.

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

#6 Anna.k

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Posted 25 August 2019 - 10:07 AM

Thanks for helping with my query!

Seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie sees heaven in a beautiful boy’s eyes. She can also see a way back into society, a new friendship, the possibility of love, and a mysterious white horse. (Too much?)

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real. (I like this part though. Is there a way to make the first sentences punchier and combine it with this line?)

Agnes withdraws from school to help her mother fight a brain tumor and for three years (Avoid the passage of time as much as possible, it makes the pacing sound slow) the cancer eats away at her mother’s body and mind and causes divine hallucinations and premonitions that affect Agnes’ own sanity. The last words her mother manages is a cryptic command to Agnes that she must commit murder. (I like the 'destined to become a murderer' better)

On her first day back as a high school senior, Agnes’ goal is to fit in (on her first day in high school..). She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, he possesses a strange way of commanding those around him. Agnes wants to heed the warning signs to stay away, but flickers of light in his eyes captivates her. His mysterious past and enigmatic presence makes him difficult to get to know. (Again, there's a lot here while staying vague at the same time. Could condense this to a brief sentence about Louie + light flickers + warning signs. Also, what warning signs? What did he do/say that threw her off?) After being the last person to see a murder victim alive, Louie becomes a suspect and still, with a newfound courage, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. (Huh? what murder victim? A murder at the school? This sort of comes out of left field) Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim. The undeniable connection between them intensifies. (This could also be condensed into one sentence. I.e; They play detectives, Agnes tries to keep her distance, even as their connection intensifies) 

Agnes and Louie learn about their shared past and they were always meant to find one another. (This is going into summary mode now. Too much information? I kind of like the above mystery and wonder if you should leave it there and cut to the stakes) She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who doesn’t want to end a world he now calls home. That sentiment is not shared by all of the horsemen and the third rider’s influence on mortals will threaten Agnes’ new life and happiness. (Whew. this is a lot of information, and I'm not sure how it all ties in with the above info. Genre wise, the first half sounds like a murder mystery of sorts, which can be confusing)

A path to a bright future, a beautiful boy’s love, and the pale horse are all real. To earn the rider’s redemption and escape the fate her mother predicted, Agnes must find a confidence and a will she never knew she possessed and give herself to someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her.

(So, the second half of this query gets murky. Coming to the end, I'm not even sure you need to have the mom in there at all. There's a lot going on plot wise and I'd recommend picking a theme. For ex, if the four horsemen is the main plot line, and Louie is a fallen angel, revolve the entire query around that, eliminating the mother and possibly even the murder in the school, unless you're clearly tying it into the apocalypse. The other main question for me is Agnes' involvement. She is the MC of your story. What's her part? Is she going to try to reveal the truth to the whole school? Warn of doomsday? Does she have some kind of power? What is she going to do about it?)

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#7 queryseal

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Posted 27 August 2019 - 11:43 AM

Seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie sees heaven in a beautiful boy’s eyes. She can also see a way back into society, a new friendship, the possibility of love, and a mysterious white horse. I'm confused to what this hook means.

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real.

Agnes withdraws from school to help her mother fight a brain tumor and for three years the cancer eats away at her mother’s body and mind and causes divine hallucinations and premonitions that affect Agnes’ own sanity. The last words her mother manages is a cryptic command to Agnes that she must commit murder.

The story starts here. Try to weave that she's now back to school and the plot with the details she spent three years taking care of her sick mother>On her first day back as a high school senior, Agnes’ goal is to fit in. She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, (comma splice) he possesses a strange way of commanding those around him (I'm not sure what "a strange way of commanding those around him" means. Does he actually have powers to control people?). Agnes wants to heed the warning signs to stay away, but flickers of light in his eyes captivates her. His mysterious past and enigmatic presence makes him difficult to get to know. After being the last person to see a murder victim alive, Louie becomes a suspect and still, with a newfound courage, Agnes keeps pushing to figure him out. Despite Louie’s attempts to keep Agnes at a safe distance, they begin to work together to find the real murderer before there is another victim. The undeniable connection between them intensifies. The rest of this paragraph can be tighten up. Basically we need to know that Agnes meets Louie, Louie is a murder suspect, and the two get close. I'm also curious why Agnes thinks Louie isn't the murderer. 

Agnes and Louie learn about their shared past and they were always meant to find one another (I'm not sure what this means. More specifics would help). She uncovers that he’s the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, who doesn’t want to end a world he now calls home. That sentiment is not shared by all of the horsemen and the third rider’s influence on mortals will threaten Agnes’ new life and happiness.Last sentence is chunky, and I'm not sure what the last part means with the third rider.. So Louie is trying to stop the other horsemen from ending the world? Is there a reason why they want earth destroy? How does this relate to the murder that Louie is a suspect to?  

A path to a bright future, a beautiful boy’s love, and the pale horse are all real. To earn the rider’s redemption and escape the fate her mother predicted, Agnes must find a confidence and a will she never knew she possessed and give herself to someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her. I'd like to know how Agnes ties to all this, as the other commenter said. Why is she the one who needs to stop the apocalypse? How does it relate to her mom's message that she needs to murder someone? 

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I hope this feedback helps. I think the main take away is try to add more specifics to the plot and tighten the paragraphs down. I also suggest you keep the sentences simple. The important thing in a query is the agent understands your story. I previous commenter had some good feedback too, and I'd be happy to read over future versions of your query.



#8 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 28 August 2019 - 06:52 PM

Thank you all so much. I really like my beginning. :( Sad some don’t. The story is titled “Visions” so the MC is having visions hence the “seeing things.” Also several sources have the first of the horseman as the horsemen of war but most have him as the horseman of conquest or pestilence. He rides a white horse. Second horseman of war rides a red horse. Trying to tighten up and get to the point. Thanks again.



Orphaned and fiercely independent seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back into society, the possibility of love, heaven in a stranger’s eyes, and a mysterious white horse.

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real.

After staying home to care for her dying mother, Agnes returns to high school. She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, he possesses a strange power of commanding those around him. He demands Agnes stay away from him and she wants nothing more than to heed the warning, but flickers of light in his eyes are enigmatic and she’s reluctantly captivated.

Her small town is reeling from the unsolved homicides of two teenage girls and Louie is the last person to see the third murder victim alive. He becomes a suspect but still, Agnes pushes to figure him out. Despite Louie and Agnes’ mutual independence , they begin to work together to find the real murderer before the serial killer claims another. The undeniable connection between them intensifies.

Louie reveals to Agnes that he is the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Agnes realizes that if she allows herself to fall for the white horse’s rider, she will learn more about Louie’s dark past that may threaten her future. If she’s smart and stays away, someone she cares about could die at the hand’s of a killer who shares a secret with Louie.

Can she really walk away from the love of someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her?

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series. I’m a horse girl and devoured books about horses as a kid. The Black Stallion series by Walter Farley, holds so many wonderful memories for me especially The Black Stallion and the Girl since it combined a story about my beloved horse with a budding romance. That idea has stuck with me for over thirty years and is my muse.

#9 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 05:05 PM

Here are my suggestions:

 

Orphaned and fiercely independent (comma) seventeen-year-old Agnes Mackenzie is seeing things. A way back into society, the possibility of love, heaven in a stranger’s eyes, and a mysterious white horse. I like this line! It made me smile.

The problem is that all of it, or none of it, might be real. This seems unnecessary, could cut (especially because your query is a little on the long side.)

After staying home to care for her dying mother, Agnes returns to high school. She meets Louie Caine, aloof and imposing, he possesses a strange power of commanding those around him. He demands Agnes stay away from him and she wants nothing more than to heed the warning, but flickers of light in his eyes are enigmatic and she’s reluctantly captivated. If he can force people to listen to him, why does it sound like she's being compelled to do the opposite of what he commanded?

Her small town is reeling from the unsolved homicides of two teenage girls and Louie is the last person to see the third murder victim alive. He becomes a suspect but still, Agnes pushes to figure him out. Despite Louie and Agnes’ mutual independence ,(cut space) they begin to work together to find the real murderer before the serial killer claims another. The undeniable connection between them intensifies. 

Louie reveals to Agnes that he is the fallen angel of conquest, the first of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Agnes realizes that if she allows herself to fall for the white horse’s rider, she will learn more about Louie’s dark past that may threaten her future. If she’s smart and stays away, someone she cares about could die at the hand’s of a killer who shares a secret with Louie. This section could be shorter: two sentences for them to start finding a killer, one to drop Louie's real identity. Also, at this point it's not clear why breaking up with Louie could cause a friend to die.

Can she really walk away from the love of someone whose willing to travel to hell and back again for her?

Complete at 80,000 words, VISIONS is a stand alone young adult supernatural romance with series potential. It will appeal to fans of the Veronica Rossi’s Riders and Abbi Glines’ Existence series. I’m a horse girl and devoured books about horses as a kid. The Black Stallion series by Walter Farley, holds so many wonderful memories for me especially The Black Stallion and the Girl since it combined a story about my beloved horse with a budding romance. That idea has stuck with me for over thirty years and is my muse. 

 

Cool idea! I'm pumped for the mysterious horseman of the apocalypse, that's not a love interest I've seen before! Good luck, and I hope I've helped you.






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