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THE PILLARS - WISDOM (YA Fantasy) by nilguen


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#1 lnloft

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Posted 19 August 2019 - 04:57 PM

(Posting on behalf of nilguen)

 

For centuries, Khains and Halangas have been living among people for only one reason: find and reach out sanduks before each other. David Fallow is a young, charming and a successful businessman and he is about to find out that he is one of these sanduks. Soon, he will learn more about the Khains, sanduks and Halangas, as well as the truth about himself. During his journey to the heart of the most ancient knowledge, he will be accompanied with a woman like no other; Maide…When he joins Maide for the quest of finding the other wisdom sanduk, the challenges they will face lead to disclosure of secrets that will change their lives forever. And everyone else’s lives living in Earth… And beyond…


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I've got 250 words I'd love your feedback on: Untitled fantasy project


#2 SharonMorrisWagner

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Posted 25 August 2019 - 09:17 AM

(Posting on behalf of nilguen)
 
For centuries, Khains and Halangas have been living among people for only one reason: find and reach out sanduks before each other. David Fallow is a young, charming and a successful businessman and he is about to find out that he is one of these sanduks. Soon, he will learn more about the Khains, sanduks and Halangas, as well as the truth about himself. During his journey to the heart of the most ancient knowledge, he will be accompanied with a woman like no other; Maide…When he joins Maide for the quest of finding the other wisdom sanduk, the challenges they will face lead to disclosure of secrets that will change their lives forever. And everyone else’s lives living in Earth… And beyond…[/size]


No hook? Too short? What does “find and reach out” mean? Is David world jumping? Businessman sounds like this world and your story sounds like another. “Truth about himself” is too vague and cliche. Where and why does he join Maide? Stakes are way too vague. Need details.




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