Thank you, ScarlettLeigh! I love the last line suggestion!
When a golden boy who’s lost everything moves in with a girl tangled in the mafia, a potentially fatal romance is forged. This was going great until it slipped into the passive voice at the end, with romance is forged
Seventeen-year-old Tyler Winston appears to have it all: a nice house, a fancy car,That is a whole lot for a 17 year old to have. and his basketball team is on the road to victory. What kind of victory? County? State? National? Olympic? That is until Tyler’s father die
d dies keep it in the present tense and he is forced to give up his luxurious life in Scottsdale, Arizona and move across town to the infamous South Phoenix ‘hood to live with a family friend he has never met. That is a pickle indeed. Way to set up conflict.
Aurora "Rori" Giordano appears to have a respectable life,
but beneath the surface, a tweak might help here, something like: but what the other South Phoenix book club goers don't know... I randomly chose some innocuous hobby. Show how she appears to have a respectable life. she’s helping her mother dispose of dead bodies and clean after mob hits. Whoa. The last thing Rori needs is a Snobbsdale boy moving into her home and destroying her façade. Good voice, good tension. I didn't pick up on Rori being the daughter though, until I'd read through several times. I thought Rori was the family friend, and she lived with her daughter (the love interest) and her mother, so I thought Grandma was out there killing folks. I was here for it, to be honest. The problem is you end the previous paragraph with "a family friend," and the next one starts with Rori. Unless we've got a May December thing going on here, I wouldn't think Rori is the family friend, not if she's the love interest of a 17 year old boy. I would think the love interest would be a girl his own age, and the mother is the family friend. After all, I would never expect to anyone to say a teenage girl lives a 'respectable life.' That's a term I reserve for grown ups.
Sparks ignite between Tyler and Rori during late-night talks, but nothing is easy when worlds collide. This is vague and telling. If it’s not Rori’s possessive boyfriend vowing to destroy Tyler, then it’s Rori’s unspeakable secret the murdering, or something else? Does Tyler know about it? that could not only ruin her but also get someone killed. Who could it get killed? Her mom is already killing people. Ruin her how? Send her to jail? Life in South Phoenix isn’t pretty. Show the ugliness
For Tyler and Rory, the only way to make it out alive is to learn when to hold on and when to let go. The stakes aren't entirely clear. How can they hold on, or let go, and of what, in order to survive? It's late to introduce the conflict of the boyfriend, and I'm not sure if you need it, since you've got a lot of conflict already. Rori starts out not liking him, he may not really like her either to begin with. He's had to give up his life (did he not inherit anything? Where did all his fancy stuff go?). There's someone murdering and concealing it. A jealous boyfriend really pales in comparison to all that.
Complete at 92,000 words, DON’T LET GO is a young adult contemporary romance novel told in dual points-of-view. It will appeal to fans of Simone Elkles, Katie McGarry, Allison van Diepen, and Sarah Dessen.
Thank you for your time and consideration,
I see this A LOT here. Your hook never gets fleshed out in your query. You have the romance, but it's not exactly clear here how it could be fatal. Would Rori's mom kill him? Would she? The boyfriend? Someone else? Is Rori in danger, too, or just Tyler? Fatal romance makes me think they both are (and btw, just so you know, it also immediately makes me think of Romeo and Juliet) You have tons of conflict here, but this a romance, so you need to play up that aspect of it, cause it's barely there at all. On the whole, I think you have a good story, so keep at the query thing. It takes time.
Hope some of what I said is helpful