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Water Scroll-MG Fantasy Adventure


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#1 queryseal

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Posted 27 August 2019 - 12:31 PM

Update in post 9.

 

Hello, I posted here a couple of years ago, but before I could submit to agents, I started having problems with my health. These health problems lasted over a year and put me a big writing hiatus. Now that my heath is better, and after a major rewrite too, I'm back in the game. I'm lost how to improve my query, and any feedback is appreciated.

 

Dear agent: 

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic O’Byren, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse.

 

These brothers have no separate identities—cursed to think the same thoughts, speak in unison, and do everything else the same. They have no family or friends, doomed as the village’s outcasts forever.

 

Until The Twins stumble upon ancestry secret. They learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had god powers over the element water from their possession of the Water Scroll. This discovery catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne.

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but when Forvayin tries to kill them, The Twins agrees to help. Besides, they never had friends before; they can’t lose the only friendship they have. But the Scroll is locked away, and even with the princess’s help, the journey leads The Twins one near death experience after another, especially with Forvayin hunting them down.

 

Just when The Twins think the Scroll is close, Forvayin leads them to a trap where they’re thrown three years into the future. In this future, Forvayin is king, the kingdom is falling apart, and wanted signs for the cursed brothers are everywhere. The only way back home and restore everything is to get the Scroll and defeat the new king, if this future doesn’t kill them first.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#2 Anna.k

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Posted 27 August 2019 - 01:55 PM

Hello, I posted here a couple of years ago, but before I could submit to agents, I started having problems with my health. These health problems lasted over a year and put me a big writing hiatus. Now that my heath is better, and after a major rewrite too, I'm back in the game. I'm lost how to improve my query, and any feedback is appreciated.

 

Dear agent: 

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic O’Byren, (Flows better without the surname IMHO) aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse.

 

These brothers have no separate identities—cursed to think the same thoughts, speak in unison, and do everything else the same. (Interesting, but maybe combine this sentence with the hook above? Also, needs some rewording. I.e, ..the twins are cursed--cursed to share one identity..etc) They have no family or friends, doomed as the village’s outcasts forever.(Why?)

 

Until The Twins stumble upon (their/an) ancestry secret. (Still not sure why they are outcasts...is it because they're 'weird'? If so, definitely capitalize on that) They learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had god powers over the element water from their possession of the Water Scroll. (Hmm, a lot of proper nouns here) This discovery catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne.

(Confused. A lot of people and places introduced in one paragraph. Keep it simple. Preeteen Princess offers them friendship (Goal) if they stop the evil advisor (Conflict/action) from overtaking the throne. BUT Also need a bit more info on what these 'powers' are and why they're in demand. Can the twins manipulate water? And how are they planning on using that to stop the advisor?)

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but when Forvayin tries to kill them, The Twins agrees to help. (Why is he trying to kill them? And if they're so desperate for friendship, why do they need a murder attempt to convince them to help her?) Besides, they never had friends before; they can’t lose the only friendship they have. (Suggest to reword or delete this line..)But the Scroll is locked away, and even with the princess’s help, the journey leads The Twins one near death experience after another, especially with Forvayin hunting them down. (So, need some clarification on these water powers and what the scroll is. Why do they need the scroll anyway if they're already born with said powers..?)

 

Just when The Twins think the Scroll is close, Forvayin leads them to a trap where they’re thrown three years into the future. In this future, Forvayin is king, the kingdom is falling apart, and wanted signs for the cursed brothers are everywhere. (I feel like this is giving away too much plot info at this point.)The only way back home and restore everything is to get the Scroll and defeat the new king, if this future doesn’t kill them first.(Yeah, I would end the query/stakes with Forvayin hunting them down and the future of their world on the brink of extinction, and the line about freaks being heroes, or something more...general. No need to give everything away here. Also, the hook starts off with their cool powers of being totally in sync with each other, but how does that help them or play out in the rest of the plot? I'd like to see more of that!)

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Pls look at my query when you can, thanks!!



#3 ScarlettLeigh

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Posted 28 August 2019 - 12:39 PM

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic O’Byren, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse—the brothers have no separate identities. They're forced to think the same thoughts, speak in unison, and do everything else the same. They have no family or friends, doomed as the village’s outcasts forever. Fantastic hook! I'm riveted, honestly. Such a unique curse. I think it would be suuuuuper hard to pull of in the manuscript, but that's why I'd be flipping to it immediately based on this paragraph alone. My only suggestions are a few line edits for smoother cadence.

 

Until The Twins stumble upon ancestry secret. (cut filtering) They’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes whose possession of the Water Scroll gave them god-like command over the element. (suggested slight rewording to tighten up for smoother flow... I got the meaning, just stumbled slightly) This discovery catches the attention of the preteen princess (sounds awkward, to me), who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne. (Here's where I got a little confused. The discovery is a little vague. I think it's referring to the twins learning they're descendants, but the way it's position it sounds like the discovery could be referring to the Water Scroll. A way to clarify?)

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but when Forvayin tries to kill them, The Twins agrees to help. Besides, they never had friends before; they can’t lose the only friendship they have. But the Scroll is locked away, and even with the princess’s help, the journey leads The Twins into one near death experience after another, especially with Forvayin hunting them downFeels like it's over-stuffing the sentence with details, and you get to Forvayin in the next paragraph.

 

Just when The Twins think the Scroll is close, Forvayin leads them to a trap where they’re thrown three years into the future. In this future, Forvayin is king, the kingdom is falling apart, and wanted signs for the cursed brothers are everywhere. The only way back home and restore everything is to get the Scroll and defeat the new king, if this future doesn’t kill them first. I wonder if you're going too far into the story here? Typically queries only cover the action in the first 1/4 or 1/3 of the manuscript—the setup and stakes—but this feels like it well beyond the midpoint. Stopping just before this and hinting at how the stakes may escalate would leave me wanting more.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions. Great comps!

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

This feels like the CUTEST adventure and I really want to see how this curse plays out! Just a few suggestions for clarity, but I mean I would read this after that first paragraph, tbh. :D



#4 kassamarandra

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Posted 28 August 2019 - 04:25 PM

 

Twelve-year-old twins Danvis and Danvic O’Byren, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. These brothers They have no separate identities—cursed to think the same thoughts, speak in unison, and do everything else the same. They have no family or friends (why?), doomed as the village’s outcasts forever. (I feel like these sentences need to be put together) 

 

Until The Twins When the twins (no need for this to be a proper noun) stumble upon ancestry secret. T, they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes (or "heroic twins" if you need to keep "twins") who had god powers over the element water from their possession of the Water Scroll.(this last but feel like way too much info all at once. I wouldn't use "god powers" personally, and I'd say something like, "When the twins learn learn they're descendants of legendary Water Keepers--twin heroes of old--they..." what? go on a quest for the scroll? Why do they have to find it? what's at stake? or do they already have it in their possession? what does this scroll do?)  

 

(I'd put this in a new para and start with "The twin's discovery catches...") This discovery catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne.

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but when Forvayin tries to kill them ("but when the King's adviser tries to kill the twins, they agree to help." I'm not sure why, but I feel the need to put twins where "them" is) The Twins agrees to help. Besides, they never had friends before and they can’t lose the only friendship they have. But the Scroll is locked away, and even with the princess’s help, the journey leads The Twins one near death experience after another (this tells me this goes too far into the story--it's vague), especially with Forvayin hunting them down.

 

Just when The Twins think the Scroll is close, Forvayin leads them to a trap where they’re thrown three years into the future. In this future, Forvayin is king, the kingdom is falling apart, and wanted signs for the cursed brothers are everywhere. The only way back home and restore everything is to get the Scroll and defeat the new king, if this future doesn’t kill them first.

Thank you for the critique! 

 

Overall, I think there are too many proper nouns in your query: Forvayin, Water Keepers, The Twins, Scroll, as well as I worry that the query goes too far into the story. 

 

I feel like your ending should focus on the choice that they're given. Flee with the princess and search for the scroll or turn their back on their only friend to save themselves

 

Hope my comments help

Cas



#5 queryseal

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 11:07 AM

Thank you everyone for the feedback. Your critiques really helped! I'm trying to return the critique, so if I haven't gotten to yours yet, I apologize. I'll get to yours soon.

 

Here's an update version: Update in post 9.

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They think and speak in unison and do everything the same.

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water.

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne.

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but The Twins can’t pass this offer up. Not only will they get friends, but they’ll get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers, the most powerful magic in the kingdom. It gives the ability to control storms, create giant waves, manipulate ice and snow, and even breathe underwater. With that kind of power, what’s not to like? However, the Scroll is locked away, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about the princess’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#6 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 30 August 2019 - 05:19 PM

Here are my suggestions:

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, Seems rather obvious to call twins, why is it in quotes? have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They think and speak in unison and do everything the same.

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water. I didn't realize this was second world fantasy until this part.

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne. This feels like the real meat of the plot. Is there a way to get to it sooner?

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but The Twins can’t pass this offer up. Not only will they get friends, but they’ll get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers, the most powerful magic in the kingdom. It gives the ability to control storms, create giant waves, manipulate ice and snow, and even breathe underwater. With that kind of power, what’s not to like? However, the Scroll is locked away, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. This background starts to go on a little long. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about the princess’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

This sounds really interesting! You have a cool idea with the main characters' link and your writing is very smooth and easy to understand, which is a big plus in a query letter. I can tell you're skilled.

 

I hope I've helped! A link to mine is in my signature.



#7 Dawng

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Posted 03 September 2019 - 04:43 PM

I post my comments, below. 

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They think and speak in unison and do everything the same. [I'm a fraternal twin so I love this idea! Are they identical? Not conjoined, right? If so, maybe clarify. Consider combining the first two sentences to avoid repetition (curse and cursed--I found a few and underlined). Consider switching the sentence word order to read something like: "They do everything the same--even thinking and speaking in unison." to put the more dramatic emphasis at the end.]

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water. [I see a few opportunities to reword redundancies ("they're" and "think"). Consider something like: "Catapulted from outcasts to royalty when the village elders and princess see the twins controlling bodies (add something specific, here) of water--a power solely divined to descendants of the Water Keepers." It might help to move the lore of the water up here from the third paragraph.]

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne. [Could use another sentence or two about: how the twins learn of the local politics, how they specifically catch the princess' attention, become friends--sounds like a manipulator and not so much a friend, and is her request all it takes for them to become the next Water Keepers? Consider moving some clarifying info from the third paragraph here...such as how water power/control can stop Forvayin and how the last Water Keepers lost the scroll, the key scatter, etc.]

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, [I feel like we're passed that by this point in the query.] but The Twins can’t pass this offer up. Not only will they get friends [more than one? How so? Maybe consider something like: "Motivated by friendship to reclaim their lost heritage, bolstered by uncovering dormant abilities, and entrusted by X to find the four scattered keys to unlock the scrolls by.... ], but they’ll get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers, the most powerful magic in the kingdom. It gives the ability to control storms, create giant waves, manipulate ice and snow, and even breathe underwater. [Can't they already do these things with their powers? If not, clarify what they currently can and can't do--the actions that lead everyone to discover their heritage. Also, why do they need the scroll certain powers? How was the scroll lost? How will they get the scroll, now? have these powers been dormant somehow? Why were the keys scattered...I have many questions that might be better set up briefly in paragraph two.] With that kind of power, what’s not to like? However, the Scroll is locked away, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about the princess’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead. [How will controlling water stop Fovayin? Consider clarifying the scroll is locked away (by Fovayin?) earlier in the last paragraph or in a previous paragraph. Are the missing scrolls the reason why the powers were lost? Why would Fovayin kill the twins? I suggest moving some of the details from this last paragraph to earlier sections and balance out the clarity and contents between them.]

 

Overall, this story sounds interesting and fun and a little like Lord of the Rings.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 
I'd appreciate if you would look at mine, too.


#8 Kimseal

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Posted 05 September 2019 - 08:55 PM

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They think and speak in unison and do everything the same.

 

Great hook. This is really interesting. I’m curious how you handle that in terms of dialogue.

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water.

 

This is clear and is all working well for me.

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of the preteen princess, who offers them friendship with one request: become the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin, her father’s advisor, from taking over the throne.

 

‘Preteen’ is such a modern here-and-now word that it doesn’t really fit the tone of the story for me.  

 

The sentence also doesn’t say exactly what you want it to yet. I think the meaning of this sentence is that she (what’s her name?) wants the twins to become the next Water Keepers and use their powers to stop the advisor from taking the throne. As it’s written (‘the next Water Keepers to stop Forvayin’), it means that the previous Water Keepers also already stopped the advisor from taking the throne.

 

Cursed freaks aren’t meant to be heroes, but The Twins can’t pass this offer up. What’s the offer? How is it in the princess’s power to give them the power? Is it because of the scroll? Not only will they get friends, but they’ll get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers, the most powerful magic in the kingdom. It gives the ability to control storms, create giant waves, manipulate ice and snow, and even breathe underwater. With that kind of power, what’s not to like? However, the Scroll is locked away, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about the princess’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

This sounds really fun and MG appropriate, with a good word count too. I looked at your previous versions and think it’s a good idea you took the time travel out—that was probably too much to try to explain.



#9 queryseal

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Posted 06 September 2019 - 11:35 AM

Thank you everyone for the feedback! I hope I'm getting closer.

 

Latest version:

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They do everything the same, including thinking and speaking in unison.

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water.

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of Princess Salina. She offers them friendship with one request: get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers—so they can become the next Water Keepers. Her father’s advisor, Forvayin is plotting to take over the throne, and she needs a hero to stop him.

 

The Twins agree to her request. Not only will they get friends, but they’ll get to be more than just cursed freaks. They could be heroes. However, the Scroll has been locked away for centuries, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about Salina’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead.

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.



#10 IMB

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Posted 11 September 2019 - 06:12 AM

Hi! I tend to write a lot, so don't be scared by all the red!

 

Thank you everyone for the feedback! I hope I'm getting closer.

 

Latest version:

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, (I came back up here after reading the whole query to say that I really like what you did with calling them 'The Twins'. And since I bet it's the same in the book too, I'm excited!) have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They do everything the same, including thinking and speaking in unison.  (This is nice and concise, and gives me a clear understanding of the story. Good job. If I were to nitpick a little, I'd just mention you repeat the word curse - "have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to..." You could tighten this up a bit.)

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water. (Again, nitpicking here, but the first part of the paragraph is dragging, like it's too long - like it needs a comma or two, even though it doesn't. And overall, the paragraph lacks excitment. I mean, this is a huge discovery, but it feels like you're just mentioning it like it's no big deal. Since your query is short enough, you could spend a little more time in here, and maybe expand on the two bits of information you got here - They're outcasts, life sucks and all. And then boom, they're legendary Water Keepers. This might help portray the action a little more.)

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of Princess Salina. (This sentence felt super passive to me. Again, lacking a little bit of excitment.) She offers them friendship (That's all? Geez, Princess Salina is really under-selling these boys. I mean, it might just be that all The Twins want is her friendship, and they ask for that alone, but if that's the case, then maybe mention it, because if you leave it like this - even though it's MG - it makes it sound like she doesn't think much of them at all.) with one request: get the Water Scroll—the source that gave their ancestors their powers—so they can become the next Water Keepers. (Cool! I like the story here, I'm a huge fan of quest books!) Her father’s advisor, Forvayin(,) is plotting to take over the throne, and she needs a hero to stop him.(You don't need to give us the name of the advisor. The less people you name in the query, the better, and right here, his name is just adding length, and nothing else.)

 

The Twins agree to her request. Not only will they get friends, but they’ll get to be more than just cursed freaks. (This gives me the sense this book will be super cute, and I love it!) They could be heroes. However, the Scroll has been locked away for centuries, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin  (the advisor) himself finds out about Salina’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead. (Good enough stakes. It makes me think that it'll be a adventure and chase sort of thing, where they'll always be trying to get away from the advisor, which is cool.)

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

 

Ok, so overall, I think you need a little more excitment in your query. The information I need to know is all there, and I get a very clear sense of the story, but it's lacking some action. 

Ps. Sorry if this critique sounds harsh! I tend to be very blunt!


Current Query (YA Contemporary Fantasy): http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Any feedback is appreciated :)


#11 dmsimone

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Posted 15 September 2019 - 12:06 PM

Hi there, I'm returning the favor...comments in bold+blue.

 

Thank you everyone for the feedback! I hope I'm getting closer.

 

Latest version:

 

Twelve-year-olds Danvis and Danvic, aka “The Twins”, have an unfortunate curse. The brothers are cursed to share one identity. They do everything the same, including thinking and speaking in unison.

Super nitpicky - the comma should be inside the quotes: "The Twins," have an unfortunate curse.

Another super nitpicky thing: curse/cursed. Can we come up with a different word in the second sentence so it doesn't sound repetitive? The brothers are made to share one identity, forced to share one identity, plagued to share one identity, afflicted by sharing one identity? Idk, just throwing some ideas out there. 

All those -ing words and verbs (everything, including, thinking, speaking)...maybe...They do everything the same. They even think and speak in unison.

 

The Twins think they’re nothing more than the village’s outcasts until they learn they’re the descendants of the Water Keepers—twin legendary heroes who had powers over the element water.

I don't think you need village's...village works fine, and eliminates the plurality.

I think calling them The Twins at the opening of the sentence kind of distances us from them. Why not just call them Danvis and Danvic?

Should be legendary twin heroes (adjectives alphabetical).

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of Princess Salina. She offers them friendship with one request: get  find the Water Scroll—the source that gave of their ancestor's their powers—so they can become the next Water Keepers. Her father’s advisor, Forvayin is plotting to take over the throne, and she needs a hero to stop him.

Maybe...She offers them friendship with a catch...

I made a few suggestions to avoid the "their" repetition. 

I like that Salina has an ulterior motive, but move it up...something like:

 

This discovery of their ancestry catches the attention of Princess Salina, because a distrustful advisor to the king is plotting to overtake the throne, and she needs a hero to stop him. She offers Danvis and Danvic her friendship, but with a catch: find the Water Scroll - the source of their ancestor's power - so they can become the next Water Keepers and the heroes she desperately needs.

 

The Twins agree to her request. Not only will they get  earn friends, but they’ll get to be become  more than just cursed freaks. They could be heroes. However, the Water Scroll has been locked away for centuries, requiring four keys scattered across the kingdom. The journey to collect the keys won’t be easy, and when Forvayin himself finds out about discovers Salina’s plan, he’ll do anything to make sure The Twins are dead.

You used the word "get" a lot in this QL - it sounds unpolished so I tried to replace it.

I made other suggestions just to reduce word count and condense. MG queries should be short and sweet.

 

 

WATER SCROLL is a completed 60,000-word MG fantasy novel for kids who love adventure stories such as SEVEN WONDERS and NEVERMORE. For three years, I interned at [deleted] where I edited manuscripts and read submissions.

No need to say it's completed. Everyone does this, but agents know it's completed or you shouldn't be querying.

Titles of comps should be in italics, not all caps. All caps is just for the queried title.


My QL is here: http://agentquerycon...ght-ya-fantasy/

My synopsis is here: http://agentquerycon...ght-ya-fantasy/

I am happy to reciprocate with a critique.





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